Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In : Monday, October 2nd, 2017

Please let us know how is your day going

My day started early this morning because I could not sleep :/

Every day seems the same: trauma comes up in some form and it is me batteling it down, trying to extinguish the fire.

Lil me keeps coming out and I do not understand at all...and I think it is ruining friendships left and right.

what all have you planned for the day, what challenges are your facing and how are you planning to tackle them.

Today I start my new job! Yes, on 4 hours of sleep, if that.

My challenege is to stay positive and focused in the present.

Make sure lil doesn't come out at all so that I can help my cleint to the best of my ability ( and don't scare her).

Another challenge is to focus on the positive and not the negative of the day ....maybe I am creating my own misery? IDK.

ps. check ins are becoming easier for me here on this forum. Yay me.

Difficult sleep last night (as I documented during the wee hours in the Sunday check in) following a day where I had pushed myself beyond my physical and emotional limits. Worried about a friend who is in especially poor health at the moment, on top of other thoughts/memories/etc that I'm having to sit with ('tis the season -- blah). My challenge today is to manage the impact on my symptoms and do my best to remain grounded despite my stress cup already brimming before I've even gotten out of bed yet.

Any support is definitely appreciated today.

@Halogen

Oh, support... kind of a ranty topic for me as of late. Do forgive me if I carry on. You have full okay to change the channel and go brew a pot of coffee or tea instead if you want. XD

For the most part, like I've gone on about. Have no family support, FOO and ILs. Both abusive and dysfunctional. My abusive husband(which I'm working on leaving), the apple is pretty much attached to the tree if you get my drift. No support there. My support is external sources like here(which you're all lovely), my psychologist, the counselors from my student EAP-type program, and other random folks who've just simply be decent, good humans to me. I don't really open up about much and have found that I get punished when I do. In the past, that's happened. With my abuser now, he can't take anything and has no emotional control so he freaks out and I basically have to keep myself together while I'm around or go off and hide to express my emotions or feelings. Only lately have I learned to open up to people and that yeah- people typically aren't gonna rip you apart for asking for help...unless they've got some serious abusive tendencies. And usually abusive people try to hide their abusive persona in public. So...yeah...

Uhm... in regards to support- I uh... had another incident at the therapist's office the other day. It's what I spoke about yesterday. Where people just told me it was in my mind. Basically, I got laughed at for leaving the office or something. I have an hour or so drive to therapy, and then I have to hang out with my abuser for about another hour. When I get there, I usually retreat into the bathroom which is through the therapist's waiting room. There have been times where I get up to leave because there are too many people in there. I mean- I have agoraphobia, social anxiety, and other crap to deal with.

So, when I went in and made my exit to the bathroom. The two people in there, one of them a counselor, no less... started laughing as I left- when before I entered it was completely silent. Not to mention a heckuva look from the counselor that was just odd. Something like this happened before, and my psych dealt with it(it was a couple who goes to marriage counseling who did the same exact thing). I told him that while it might be my perceptions and all, that I was worried for others in the waiting room who would be treated like that. That I was scared some repercussions would happen because of mentioning it, even. Heck, I wonder if that's whats going on now. I'm not pissed or hate these people- I just.. I mean, seriously. I have no ill intention and it's not like it's personal. I just need my damn space and know when I need it. While I question my experience and think on it- I will say that the rest of the evening translated perfectly fine for me. That I didn't feel persecuted or anything. In fact, I did exceptionally well socially afterward and my insecurities were at nearly 0. I even dealt with children, though they frighten the daylights out of me. So I really wonder... but I REALLY think it's lame to just up and say it's all in my mind completely. I have no history of paranoid delusions or hallucinations. So...yeah... I guess I just want some support or something... heck I don't even know right now. But I'm scared of going to my appointment on Thursday for this reason and a few other things.

I'm sorry I'm weak and tired. . . Then I got woken up by trama blaring on every channel in the news. I just want to know why.

Hi everyone,

It was an emotional weekend with a lot of compartmentalization. I drove my parents (they are in poor health) to visit a family member who is suffering from end stage Alzheimer's. It was a special time for everyone involved. I am grateful that the plans finally came to fruition. My Dad was able to see his brother who is able to be cared for at home by a loving family. Fortunately, my Uncle is smiling, has many self soothing behaviors and tries very hard to cooperate. His support network and those providing support to his caregivers is tremendous. The weekend also involved visiting with my cousins. They disclosed a great deal during that time, thus the compartmentalization. I would not even begin to know what type of support I need right now. Things are still fairly inaccessible which is okay. Everything comes together in time. Today has just been a day filled with rest and noticing emotions flowing through as freely as recalling events. Overall, some quiet time is probably better.

Today sucked. The end.

It did have some pretty awesome moments, but there were some major negative aspects of today.