Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Saturday July 15th 2017
Good morning, afternoon, evening, night - It's Saturday! Maybe it's because I work Monday to Friday, but I always think of Saturday as a day of great possibilities. It's mine to do whatever I want with, and I believe I deserve that! Strange how I can believe a day of the week belongs to me, slightly abstract, but it's harder to believe some stuff that should be pretty fundamental. Things like my needs matter, I deserve to be heard, I shouldn't feel ashamed. It's liberating when you learn to believe, way down in your core, of something you doubted for so long.
If you could believe in something about yourself, what would that be? How would life change if you could alter negative thinking about yourself? What's holding you back from believing in yourself?
Or if questions are too tough, just come say hi!
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@rationalWillow8882
@DeborahUK hey Deborah wonderful post :) I think for me, the one thing that helps someone stop negatively thinking about themselves is not only about learning to love yourself and self acceptance but at times is also about other people's behaviour impacting on us and us refusing to allow the way some people behave towards us to chip away at the rebuilding of our self worth and self esteem. People can tell themselves they are an okay person, that they are a good person, honest, sincere, caring, who dont set out to hurt anyone, that they are proud of how far they have come, what they have survived and what they have achieved and so on. But if you have experienced abuse in the past or treatment by others of being put down, criticised, ridiculed, judged and so on, if as an adult those kinds of behaviours are replicated by others in adult life, it can begin to make you doubt yourself and your own sense of worth and can in turn lead to a lot of negative thinking about yourself once more. So not allowing the behaviour of others to damage who you are as a person, and your self worth would be a start. Self acceptance I guess this all comes back too. 
@dancingRainbow45
Yes, I agree. Self doubt can be a real problem, even if you try to give yourself positive affirmations. But I also see people posting on these forums who feel they have no worth. It's sad that when we speak well of ourselves, self doubt can raise its head. But when we speak badly of ourselves, where's that little nag from our conscience to question that!
Everyone I see posting on this daily thread has positive qualities. The honesty of posting, the support for others, the kindness and compassion. It would be nice if people could finally allow themselves to accept their worth. Sadly, our dumb brains don't always make it easy!
@DeborahUK
Like comic... I just post and mobile turn off :O .
@conscientiousPineapple1782
Good to have you with us ❤️
@DeborahUK
thanks <3
@conscientiousPineapple1782
I think that just happens sometimes. Like your phone dies or a glitch makes it restart or even could be updating. It's weird but I don't think it means anything.
I used to lose just about anything I tried to write. Now I just stubbornly copy/paste it till it posts. (-:
(Altho sometimes I wonder if I was meant to not post it? But I think it's more of a length-related glitch on mobile)
@themainjane
Yeah, if you get too close to the character limit on the app, it gets all jumpy and then you lose the option to reply or even cancel 🤦🏼♀️. I just copy what I wrote, hit chat to get out of it, and then go back in and paste it 🤷🏼♀️
What's holding you back from believing in yourself?
My brain. My silly, misfiring, mish-mash of a C-PTSD-addled brain, and its broken fight or flight response. Ultimately *I'm* holding me back, or rather my damage is.
I talk about acceptance, i try to put it into practice, but I still have so much trouble at times truly accepting that it's ok to (still) be like this, that I'm not doing anything wrong -- that it's not my fault. 'This' currently means being housebound (let's be honest -- bedridden) because I keep cycling between terrifying emotional flashbacks and overwhelming depression, both with the same result: avoidance and isolation. The process of getting "better" feels so slow, elusive at the moment.
Yet despite all that, despite all those feelings, I *know* I'm getting better. Just a few months ago, I was nearly hospitalized. In and out of a crisis stabilization facility, feeling completely lost and without hope.
I've come so far since, and that is an accomplishment that I try to hold fast to. Especially when thoughts produce feelings that don't reflect the reality of the progress being made, when deeply entrenched patterns of self punishment and criticism manifest. I know I will eventually be able to move on and wholly enjoy life, instead of enduring it, as Trees put it.
I'm still inching my way towards that, working towards letting go of all my burdens with actual closure. I know I will get there. I'm just not there yet.
I feel like I've written a variation of this post countless times. But I need to let toxic sentiments out. Sunshine is the best disinfectant -- and I do see the light, truly.
I can believe I have a really good life now with lots of family, friends, safety, secuirty, play, learning and joy. The PTSD stuff that is hitting me is a thorn in my side because I do have an amazing life. I want to enjoy it and get out of the cycle of negative self talk. It's getting better all the time, but amidst symptoms it is difficult to stay present instead of entering the shaddows. The symptoms hold me back and I'm actively working to combat that with love, compassion, patience and a tone of inner growth.
I actually slept well last night, but due to fear it took me until 1am to close my eyes. I slept though.
Had harp class, we have company later, trying to finish one of my masks in clay. We have sun and it's a play day. I'm going to disconnect from 7cups the rest of the day to enjoy it. I'll check in again tonight.
All of you have a great day,
Mary
@MKJart
Well, my day started out good, but ended in a dive for cover day. Feeling lethargic and can't get my mind off things. The classes are ready to go tomorrow, which is fun. My teacher forgot about my harp class and I just could't get into the clay. If anyone out there knows the book The Phantom Tollbooth- I'm in the dulldrums. Hoping for a decent nights sleep.
@MKJart
Never heard of this book but it sounds fantastic - I want to read it now. For a children's book it sounds quite complex.
Hope you feel replenished soon.
@themainjane
It's an excellent read. I think I might go find a copy and read it again too.
@MKJart Hope you had a restorative sleep that helped you escape the dulldrums. We all need to dive under the covers sometimes and wait for the thought storms to pass over. Mega-hugs and much love to you 💟
@melliotm
Thanks Mellio, Hugs back at you.
"If you could believe in something about yourself, what would that be? How would life change if you could alter negative thinking about yourself? What's holding you back from believing in yourself?"
I would believe that I am valuable and worthy of love and respect. That I am good. That I am not defined by the bad things in my past. Sometimes I'm able to convince myself of those things, and it feels good. It feels amazing. I'm trying really hard to make those "sometimes" last longer so that it's more like I sometimes maybe don't believe in myself, instead of the way it is now. My brain is what's holding me back. I am trying really hard...well...I'm leaving for Dublin tomorrow, so I might not be trying too hard for the next couple weeks, but I HAVE BEEN trying really hard to...idk..."fix" my thinking? I'm a work in progress 🤷🏼♀️
@BeeLeigh
That sounds like a great plan Bee. Keep challenging those thoughts, don't let your brain get away with being mean.
So you're heading for some Irish craic? Lucky you. Dublin's a beautiful city, though I've only been twice. But I liked what I saw and I'm sure I'll be back! Relax and enjoy 😁 🇮🇪 🍀
@BeeLeigh
Would love to see pics if you are comfortable or at least some descriptions.
I would love to travel and have been one place overseas in the past but it's not likely to ever happen again so please share a bit of it! Lol
Enjoy and safe travels!!
@themainjane @DeborahUK
Thank you both!! I'm so looking forward to this trip!! We leave tomorrow!! 😱
After Dublin, we're going to Paris, and part of our time in Paris includes a day spent at Disneyland Paris!! 😁 Then we're off to London for a few days!! I know a few days in any location just isn't long enough, because I've lived by Chicago my whole life and we're always finding new things to do! But this is going to be so much fun!! 😁
🇨🇮🇫🇷🇬🇧😎
Also, @themainjane, I can definitely post some pics for you :)
@BeeLeigh
Here! Here! You are valuable and worthy of love!! I feel you on the work in progress. I call life's crazy challenges AFGO's (Another Fking growth opportunity). What a great work in progress you are.
@MKJart
At least you've got a somewhat positive spin on things, even if it's begrudgingly positive. I tend to fall into more of a "Really?? Have I not been through enough yet?? Why can't anything ever go right for me??" mind set when what you so lovingly referred to as AFGOs come along. And then I'm upset for a bit, and I cry, and I'm mad at everyone and everything...and then I kinda go numb. That's what usually happens anyway 🤷🏼♀️
I do try to work on it. I am way better than before. I used to be very um...I guess volatile would be a good word for it? I had a tendency to over react to anything and everything, and it could potentially not be great for others to be around me when I was like that. Which makes it very understandable to me that, as a teen, I was diagnosed bipolar by a couple different people, borderline by a couple others, I got just depressed from a few people...yeahhh...good times 🙄. In all actuality, I just needed someone to recognize that I'd grown up in an environment where that's how I was treated, so that's how I learned to respond to things. I still have a very difficult time knowing what emotion it is that I'm feeling, but I'm getting better at that. The only real problem now in that regard is that I taught myself how to stop behaving the way I did by numbing myself out and basically turning off all emotion. I was pretty much left with crying and/or laughing as my responses to things. 🙃
@BeeLeigh
Oh, believe me when I say they is a strong sarcastic emphasis on the F in AFGO- it's not as loving or begrudgingly positive as it sounds 
I relate to the numb/dissociation around emotions. I cry when I'm frustrated and laugh when I'm scared or hurt which is also confusing. I If anything feels too overwhelming I go numb again.And yes, sometimes it's like "Anything else? Come on!!!
"
I'm sorry you had those experiences and it makes sense that you numbed to protect yourself.
@MKJart @BeeLeigh Team AFGO for the win 😎 cheers to all the works in progress. We will do it.
If you could believe in something about yourself, what would that be?
That I am capable of making my life work for me not against me.
How would life change if you could alter negative thinking about yourself?
Not sure but I'd like to believe my quality of life would improve and I'd be happier.
What's holding you back from believing in yourself?
Again not sure. Myself and longheld beliefs and ways of looking at things. I also let other people influence my mood whether they intend to or not.
Not achieving goals and being easily overwhelmed stops me from many things.
It seems most things I do are not enough. I don't do enough for myself and I don't do enough for others. It's overwhelming because I'm so tired. And it's difficult living with a spouse who is always disappointed in my meager efforts. I shouldn't put the blame off on him. He runs circles around me and sees my lack of productivity as a sign of lack of caring.
Maybe he's right. But I do try to care. I'm just so so tired.
@themainjane
Wasn't there a movie one time? The yes man? Something like that anyway, unless I dreamt it! But basically the subject of the film said 'yes' to every opportunity - crazy, scary, hated or loved, he did it. Is this what you need in your life? Not just to say yes, but to say 'YES, I CAN & YES, I WILL'! Maybe a little discretion would be called for, but it's a powerful thing when instead of saying 'I can't', you start to say 'I can'.
@DeborahUK
yes there was a yes man movie. A bit of discretion might be called for but it beats modeling your life after the cable guy! 😂
I like some of Jim Carrey's comedy.
@DeborahUK
but yeah. Okay. The point . . (-:
I should try to say Yes to what I am able. I am a very long way from Yes to lots and lots of things but I can say Yes to some things.
@themainjane Those little steps are what get you moving forward, Jane. :)
@DeborahUK
I would change the fact that it's so difficult to love myself. I wish I could love and accept myself easily, but after years of being put down by my abusive father, negative self-talk has been hardwired into my thought patterns. If I could change negative thinking about myself, life would be amazing! I could go on adventures, talk to people, face my fears, accomplish my dreams... What is holding me back is all the negativity in my head, all the second guessing, all the horrible things I don't know how to stop thinking because I can't control my negative self-talk.
My question to anyone who is reading this is this: How do you practice self-love? How do you make the negative voices go away?
@Behindhazeleyes for me, it's about trust. I have to trust myself over the environment I grew up in - I have to trust myself instead of the abuse and negative comments that I've been surrounded by.
Trust your feelings - of sadness or frustration or whatever they may be - to let you know that those thoughts aren't right. I think it first comes from recognizing that your traumatic experience was valid - don't minimize it. Then you can start separating yourself from that experience ....it's not YOU that is fundamentally flawed or depressed. It was external factors and an environment that gave you these thoughts. Once you begin to separate your true identity from the traumatic experience - because you have been changed by something - I find that can help sometimes to try reconnect with my true self although I still struggle.
@Speck123 That's a really good idea. I'll keep that in mind!
@Behindhazeleyes
It was suggested to me to see that negative voice as the devil on my shoulder. It could look like anything I wanted. A person who'd hurt me, a monster, a cuddly creature, whatever. Every time it said something mean I should bop it on the nose! Well I've bopped it innumerable times, and it has helped make it pipe down a fair bit. I'm winning the fight, and I'm learning something along the way. You can change the soundtrack. You don't have to believe in something, just because somebody convinced you it was true. Just as your belief in Santa dwindles as you get older, so too can those negative messsages. You're not a child any more. You can make up your own mind about what to believe.
@DeborahUK I'll give that voice a boop every now and then! And yes, thank you for the reminder. I think it'll help to remember that.
