Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Saturday June 17th 2017
It's a new day, (in some parts of the world)! How do you intend to spend yours? Does it start off with good intentions? Do these fade slightly and look more and more remote as the day wears on? Remember, change has to start somewhere. So just for today can you replace a bad habit with a good one? Can you love yourself a little more, treat yourself a little better, enjoy yourself a little more? Or do old habits die hard? You can always try again tomorrow. 🙂
@DeborahUK
To add/remove your name from the daily checkin tag list, please click here
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai @sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR @BradyChay2310 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @chayil @Sharkradio @MKjart @AnnaKateMillerLCSW @Tamba @Celestialvoid @WaterLily16 @TheAsh @MKJart @Asiam1971 @philosophicalship9444 @Chayil @rumplesteeleskin @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Lilyflower0817
@caterpillargirl
@DeborahUK
starting with the second question I'd say that "yes" applies from then on out.
and a drink sounds pretty darn good. :/
why cant I just have a drink and move on from it?
well, not sure but it could be in part because a) my husband's an a$$hole when he's drunk, god bless him. Never know what he's going to do. b) when I tie one on I generally like to make it tight and it puts me out of commission for about the next day. c) guilt because I feel like I'm doing wrong and my best character doesn't come forward d) feel like I'm encouraging my husband's poor behavior and my own.
Am I going to get drunk now?
You betcha
Interesting @themainjane that you can list all the drawbacks yet you still follow through with the behaviour. It's not a criticism, you're surely not alone in persisting with habits that don't appear to be in your best interests. My nemesis is food.
But could you make a change today? Just for today could you avoid taking that drink? Do you want to avoid it even?
@DeborahUK
i use food, avoidance, alcohol
i don't want to avoid it and it was wrong of me to put it on you.
It's me.
@themainjane
Okay then. So you ask if you can have a drink and move on. What small change could you make to avoid the negative consequences of your drinking? Is that a more reasonable adjustment?
@DeborahUK
staying off the internet once I started would've been a good idea. Ran out of alcohol so not as bad as it could've been today.
@DeborahUK
Please add me....oops, you already did! LOL, Have an awesome day!! <3
@DeborahUK thanks for post. Afternoon here now and while achieved all we were going to do still hard to engage with people and feel anything close to ok.
Waking up at 5.30 am and having flashbacks everyday is taking its toll.
Tried to have something close to normal by going for walk with a couple we havent seen for a year. Was nice but hard to keep focused and not make it weird.
Now at in laws since bro in law getting married and suits need to be bought etc. At least English weddings seem much more civilised than the Sikh wedding we going to in a week.
Im trying to be happy for my cousin but know its first wedding without my grandparents and seeing other cousins who are expecting, or have babies going to be hard. I want to hide away and let them talk but have to be there for my dads sake.
Then again battling feelings of not wanting to be around at all constantly now, so that can hardly be worse.
Tomorrow is another day and i hope we all wake up able to face it.
@inventiveOrange1
You say you achieved all you were going to do yesterday. That sounds like a pretty great step you know.
You may feel like you're just going through the motions. All your emotions are focused on your loss in the past, and you face each new day in a daze. But you're facing it, you're getting done what's needed. And one day you may find yourself laughing at something, or seeing and appreciating something beautiful. And your loss won't diminish, but that relentless pain will start to ease.
So yes, face today. Who knows what's around the next corner. You have to step towards it to find that out.
Yay it is saturday and that means sleep over with my bestest friend/kind of big sister. I am happy about that, can you tell? I love her so much and she has always protected me since we moved here. Plus it is her birthday soon so not sure what to get for her or make for her but will have to think about it. Today we plan to open a paino and see if we can play it with the strings, to be honest it might not work and we might not be allowed to do it. Still worth a go I guess.
Okay, I'm just going to be honest. I feel a bit like I was set up.
I expect the person "in charge" here to have my best interest at heart.
Making the damn check-in post about having a few does not do that for me.
What gives?
Hey @themainjane
Yeah, fair point, maybe it wasn't the most responsible image to post. But my thinking is, in life, there are a lot of reminders everywhere that make us reflect on things we maybe don't feel proud of, or want to change about ourselves. Hard as it sounds, we have to take personal responsibility for that. As I've said before, my nemesis is food. So I switch on the TV, every advert is encouraging me to buy x, y and z product. So I head to the supermarket, buy them all, eat them, feel terrible .... Who's responsible for that?
It's me isn't it? No one forces me to eat, just as I don't force you to drink by mentioning wine in my check in post. It's a choice you make. The point of my check in was to offer up the idea we have alternatives. We don't have to do something because it's what we've always done. You want a different outcome, change your approach. And I'm talking to myself here as much as you. I follow the the same old patterns, same old behaviours, and then I wonder why nothing changes.
So yes, I take responsibility for that post, (though I'm far from in charge. I'm just an average person like you, except I'm logged into a listener account, and you're logged in as a member). But I don't take responsibility for your drinking, or your struggle with your conscience. I'm afraid my friend, you're the only one with the power to change that. But I'll be here to offer as much encouragement and support as I possibly can ❤️
@DeborahUK
fair enough except for one thing: the tv is not 7 cups. The tv does not know me nor is it a place I go for advice and support.
but I respect the fact that you are just another human being willfully giving of your time - and thank you for that.
@DeborahUK
Deb, I'm sorry. I know that it wasn't directed at me personally. And I know I've hurt people here - probably at a time when they were having a particularly difficult time that I didn't know about.
When I dislike something about myself or someone else seems sometimes I lash out. Before this incident even I was working on talking with someone so that I can get this under control. Because it's not who I want to be.
Anyway, I don't even know if this counts as a very good apology but please accept it. I shouldn't have left you to hurt when you only meant for good by it.
@themainjane
We're good Jane, please don't worry about it. And I'm sorry I set up a post that you found hard to deal with. It's a fair point you raise, in terms of trying to avoid obvious triggers, and I'll take it on board for the future.
I meant what I said about support though. Any changes have to come from you, but my goodness, I would totally be there for you if you wanted to try make them. I know from family experience that alcohol can take a grip, and it's a pernicious opponent. But it doesn't have to win.
Take good care of yourself there Jane. You're a much valued part of this community.
Deb xx
@DeborahUK
Thank you for your kind words. I guess I just get scared that if I really examined myself I'd find out it's not just something I sometimes say but that it's really true: I'm not a good person.
Still to blame my weaknesses on you is cowardly. Personal responsibility scares me. But personal responsibility is what this is about. So I will work on it.
@themainjane
Everything else about the post was really nice! Looking at practical small building steps. Even the part about how one starts off hopeful and resolve wanes as the day goes on.
Change does have to start somewhere .. so where is that somewhere again? (joke)
@themainjane
How are you not a good person? You do know none of us are perfect don't you?
People who deliberately set out to harm others, they're not good people. But to be someone who makes their way through life, sometimes slipping up, other times making unwise decisions, ruing their mistakes at times - none of that makes you a bad person. It makes you human.
I really ought to stay away from alcohol for awhile. Especially since I seem bent on being an idiot each time I drink. I do much better without it.
The urge strikes, I deny. The urge strikes, I deny. The urge strikes, oops. Then I'm off to the races. Much better than it used to be but still too much for my liking.
My spouse encourages my drinking. It supports his own drinking.
I say I want to eat healthier and he agrees. But then he buys me ice cream, pizza, burgers. I don't say no. I've asked him before not to buy me certain foods or alcohol unless I specifically ask for them. But he always says he just wanted to be nice. Figured I never a "reward."
If he can't stop then I must. I must find that inner strength. But I have to have some outlet because this stuff has to go somewhere or I'll just go right back to it.
@themainjane im sorry for your struggle. I agree its hard to be healthy when you have a partner who is unwilling to change or doesnt see a reason to. I hope you are able to discuss it with him and find a compromise which isnt so harmful to you.
@inventiveOrange1
Thank you. He means well I think it's just that he loves me and he's insecure as well. I fear him stepping out on me. And it's possible he has a bit of fear that if I were "better" I'd leave?
But I don't want that. I think a healthier me would make for a happier us.
@inventiveOrange1
Can you ask your doctor for a mild sleep aid? Or can you ask your counselor or someone for some sleeping techniques or flashback coping strategies?
Surely there is something that could help you get a little rest? I don't know how to release the memories or stop the flashbacks so that you can function but surely someone here has some ideas.
@themainjane thanks. I dont want any medication because of hangover effect and def dont want the ones i may become dependent on.
I fall asleep ok just wake up early. This would be bearable if i could sleep early, its just been difficult and with weddings and things coming it will be later nights for a while.
Therapist wanted to start emdr for the flashbacks, im just scared of the process. Im know thats a dumb excuse and im trying to still go see her monday. Just not seeing the point to much today.
@inventiveOrange1
well, everything will still be their Monday. Just get through this weekend ❤
And I think trying the emdr is a good idea. Was suggested to me and although it sounds scary if it worked that'd be great. If I do try it I figure if I don't like it or it's not helpful I can always stop. So keep that in mind... might not hurt to try?
Anyway, I hope in spite of everything you find some moments of calm this weekend.
@themainjane,
emdr was one of the best decisions i've ever made! I hope you will love it as I do. It may seem scary but I promise it is worth it.
Wishing you a calm and restful weekend
@weareall1
thank you. I'm not even sure the offer is still on the table. Seems my counselor's therapy approach is in a state of flux.
I'll try anything within reason.
Today was decent. It's Father's Day weekend. We went to my grandparents' farm for most of the day, then we took my step dad out to dinner, and then we went over to our neighbor's house until it started raining and then we came home. Tomorrow I have to see my dad, and I'm none too thrilled for that, but whatever. It is what it is I suppose. I'm in a really bad place right now because if I can't find a way to pay for her, I may lose my therapist, and I can't function without her. Pathetic, I know, but I was so non functional before her, and I feel like I'd just fall right back to that without her, and I kinda already have. Idk. Maybe I can try for disability again. This just sucks. I hate that I'm in this position. 😔
@BeeLeigh
How much of this have you discussed with your counselor? Maybe she can help you with some ideas.
You still see her for a little bit even if this thing does go through?
@BeeLeigh
Thats a really horrible position to be in. Seems it's a widespread problem with mental health services. Unless you have money you can't always get the support that's right for you. That's pretty harsh.
In the UK though there are numerous mental health charities set up to try and overcome that lack of central funding. They offer either free services or greatly discounted ones. Is that something available in your part of the world? I know it maybe means getting to know a new therapist, and I understand that's maybe a daunting thought. But better that then you be left with no support.
And as for today, Father's Day, yeah - I know that can be a really difficult day for some, of 'celebrating' a relationship that doesn't really exist. Just know you'll get through it, and it'll soon be over. Face the fear and do it anyway.
I've finally started to get professional help for my trauma, so this week has been rough, with lots of panic, flashbacks and dissociating. Last night I remembered how much better I usually feel when I plan my day using my planner. Even though today has been a pretty lazy day, I've been able to give myself little ticks for doing the washing, drawing, watching a movie, etc. I've been able to feel more energetic and aware of myself, so today has been a good day.
@madelinseed
What a great example of how to take control. Finding something that works for you, that you know helps you feel empowered, it's a great way to beat those negative thoughts into submission.
Sadly, starting to work through past traumas, facing difficult realities, exploring thoughts and feelings, it can open a hornets nest. And that's not pleasant. But those hornets do eventually buzz off! You sound like you have a great coping skill to get you through that.
@deborahuk @agreeableKite4304
thank you so much for the support and kindness!