Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Saturday June 3rd 2017
Aaaah, it's Saturday! The shortest day of the week, or so it feels.
What are your plans for today? Does it feel like a good day, or have you woken up only to want to crawl back under the covers again?
Do share with us. This is your community, and it's really inspiring to see people come together for mutual support. Coping with trauma is hard work, but it's a journey made easier if travelled with friends.
@DeborahUK
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@DeborahUK
Today we have to tow a non-working diesel with a working diesel for a diagnostic with our newly bought car dolly. I pray it doesn't cost $12,000 for repairs as estimated.
@themainjane
momentum is not optional but it's a nice thought. I'm drunk and can hardly breathe.
@themainjane
Ouch, that's a hefty bill! I hope it's nowhere near that.
Is it causing you anxiety, being out and about today? You say you can barely breath. That doesn't sound so good.
@DeborahUK
It is a very, very hefty bill. That vehicle is key to our livelihood. Have to use a different vehicle in the meantime and it's putting a lot of stress on it.
However, did we do the right thing? Nooo.
Being hungover and sleeping in, we missed the deadline to get it there for today. I'm not proud of our decisions and mine in particular.
@themainjane
Could you barely breathe due to the anxiety about the bill or because you were drunk? I'm replying way too late to be a comfort at the time. How are you doing now?
@DeborahUK
I don't technically have to go to the mechanic's but I feel I should make an effort to show some support to my spouse. Nothing will be required of me and when we do finally go I'll just stay out of the way.
I didn't make it outside yesterday and haven't yet today but I need to.
There for awhile Monday's were the only days I went outside (to counseling).
sometimes I think it's not so bad but other times I'm reminded this is not normal behavior.
I'm going to do laundry today! 😊 I don't have a washer and dryer at my apartment so I texted my mom last night to ask if I could come do laundry, so now I'm locked into it lol. My aunt got me some summer pajamas for my birthday, so I'm gonna wear those cuz they're most definitely the only clean thing I have 😬 I got a 97% on my finance exam yesterday, and I still don't feel too bad after not taking any pills. I still haven't *really* eaten anything, so my stomach could still revolt, but I guess I'll find out!
Pensive and a bit squirrelly this morning. Didn't leave the house yesterday, apart from darting outside to bring in the trash cans from the curb. Feel like I *should* do something today, but don't *want* to.
Slightly anxious as I attempt to settle into daily routine with roommate's houseguest present. Thankfully able to sleep despite having my sanctuary invaded (she's extremely nice and entirely unobtrusive -- just my thoughts revolting against reality and negatively influencing my comfort as per usual). At least I have a visit with my daughter tomorrow to look forward to.
Now to get through today with my nerves still intact. 😬😬😬
@melliotm
I'm glad to hear that your "intruder" turned out not to be that bad :) Why do you feel like you "should" do something? I hope your nerves are doing their job!
@hereigoagain Eh, I dont know. A Greek Chorus of harsh inner criticism engulfs me for some reason. Drowning out my need for understanding, self compassion and loving kindness, as per usual.
Just have to constantly remind myself that depression ebbs and flows, like the tide. Today just happens to be one where i need to tread some especially murky depths. But those incessant 'Shoulds' can be rather insistent in their unyielding, arbitrary assault on my self care efforts.
Anyhow, managed to take a stroll around the block and do a couple minor household tasks, despite the magnetic pull of my bed. Truly a beautiful day out. Admittedly the sunshine felt glorious (and Gord knows I could use some vitamin D lol, to say nothing of a little exercise).
Back to bed, where my Solitaire game be on point (likely due to all the recent practice that I've been getting).
@melliotm
way to go on a successful day but don't neglect that Solitaire!!!
It's so lonely at the top.. 🙂
@melliotm
Have you tried teaching that inner critic some CBT? Like replacing "I should do this" with "I would prefer to do this / It might be good for me to do this, but if I don't manage then that's ok" or something? And do you feel better or worse now that you've done something productive and gotten out into the sun? If you feel better, could you use this for motivation next time?
@hereigoagain I trrrryyy to reframe and reorient such thoughts as much as possible, but old habits die hard, as they say. Doing so does help to alleviate unhealthy, self-imposed pressure, when I can manage to flip the script. And yes, it did feel good to get outside in the sun. Something to hopefully build on after hiding out in the blanket fort compound for the last couple days. 😃
@melliotm
Hi Melli,
I'm pensive and almost always squirley
You appear to me to have a bunch of tools for self care and reality checks, plus are pretty adept at using them. I may never, "not be be squirley", but I'm OK with it now and roll it into my humor. I enjoy your sharing because you put into words what if feels like inside PTSD in a way that I can rarely find the words. Thanks as always for sharing and inspiring me with how you carry on.
Mary
@MKJart thanks, Mary. Really glad you also find it helpful and not too self indulgent. Am trying to cope -- and heal -- as best I can; capturing these toxic feelings is at times like trying to pin down blobs of mercury.
@melliotm
Or nail down jello. I'm in the same boat. Trying to carry on and not give in.
Got a strong reminder of how much I miss my former best friends. First time in a few days that I cried a lot. It still hurts terribly, well always will. Texted and talked on the phone to less close and less triggering friends. Feeling ok again. Hungry even. Still sleeping way too little, I'll have to fix that soon o.O
@hereigoagain
Maybe your less close friends can become your close friends. I don't have any friends irl, and the few times I've had friends it was only one or two, so I don't really know, but maybe? I know it sucks to lose a good friend. A few years ago I lost the only person I ever told everything to. I know she did what she thought was best, but it left me with no one, and it was really hard for a while. You're doing great. Don't let some difficult moments knock you down. I'm sleeping way too much, want some of my hours?? Cuz I've been spending way too much time in bed lol
@BeeLeigh
I don't even think it would be a good idea for me right now to have close friends again and I'd also be so scared to bleep up again and lose them too. And nobody can replace the ones I had anyway, they are way more precious than they know or than I ever managed to show them 
I'm so sorry to hear that you don't have any friends irl and that you lost the only ones you had 
Clearly I'm having luxury problems here, sorry... I've never told anyone "everything" though, that would be way too much lol. But I got close enough to it with the people I just lost. And yes it would be awesome if you could give me some of your excess sleep haha.
@hereigoagain
I get it. Sometimes it's better to hold back. I tend to lose people because I overshare. I've been told I do that cuz I need to get these things out and once I'm able to do so I won't feel this incessant need to tell everyone things they don't need to know. I've never been able to actually speak things to anyone though. I write/message/text, or I start saying something and hope they get what I'm alluding to because I can't say it. I think that, when I share stories with people (the not so bad ones), it's just that I don't have a whole lot of happy to share. So my contributions to conversations tend to involve mildly unpleasant things. Or people that haven't been in my life for a while and then I get asked whatever happened to so&so and then it's like oh...weeell...and then I end up shutting the conversation down. But then if I don't contribute anything it's like well why don't you ever talk and then it's a whole big thing. So, whatever. I'm better not having to attempt to make conversation with people because it never works. It's not a luxury problem you're having. I didn't say what I did to imply that. I was just trying to get across that I'm not great with other people so I don't really "get" how all that works. I've never really had friends. Even as a kid. My likes aren't shared by most so I've kinda always been on my own except for those few people. It's okay 🙂 and I would GLADLY give you some of my sleep hours if I could!!😜
@BeeLeigh
Nah, it's more "too much" as in "there's so much stuff that it'd take ages to tell everything and I've never been close enough friends with someone for that long" haha. Well, and then there IS that thing about too serious conversation topics I guess, I'm guilty of that too from what I've gathered. So maybe that's also one reason why I never have friends for long 
Maybe we should learn to think of more uplifting topics to make people more comfortable? Try to get interested in boring stuff that normal people are interested in lol, oh I'm being so positive 
Well or seeking out places with other people that share our interests. I've started to do that, but then I don't have any major social anxiety or other illnesses that prevent me from just doing stuff like that.
I know you didn't mean to imply I have luxury problems but hey I do have some kind of friends still. I'm honestly shocked to read in this forum just how many people don't have any friends at all, in my perception "everyone" had tons of good friends and I'm always the loner...
Lalala guess who's been trying to exhaust themselves all day but is not sleeping again 
@hereigoagain
Eh. My topics may not be uplifting, but my therapist and her fiancée share many of my same interests. Which is both awesome and depressing. Because she's my therapist, not my friend. Even if there are some days where she's more friend than therapist. I've texted her about things and said that I didn't mean to bother her but I wanted to show someone and have no friends. I also tend to unintentionally turn a conversation to me when I'm just trying to show that I've experienced similar situations so I understand what they're talking about, and I can see it on people's faces when that happens. Then I just feel bad. I don't leave my apartment much. But I live right across the street from my family, and I spend time over there when I do leave. I have nice coworkers. But they're just coworkers. They're all way older than me. I'm not a very social person. I just feel weird around a lot of people. My dad pretty well conditioned out of me the desire to be around a lot of people or speak basically at all. So...I'm not great at those things. But I try. I go out with my mom and step dad when they invite me. I don't go out on my own though. I can't do that. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble sleeping. Have you tried sleepy time tea or even ZzzQuil or something?
@BeeLeigh
I also tend to direct conversations towards myself without really meaning to, but I don't usually realize it until afterwards... If you notice it happening, can you excuse yourself and get back to giving attention to the other person?
I'm glad to hear that you at least have nice coworkers and family. I think friendships are extra important to me because my family is so dysfunctional and abusive that I avoid them as much as possible. I feel weird around something like 99% of people too, but finding the other 1% can be so good.
I had a chamomile tea last night (well, morning) and managed to sleep for maybe as much as 6 hours! 
@hereigoagain
Idk. I try not to turn it to me but it just happens 🤷🏼♀️
I'm glad you were able to get some rest! Maybe you could try having some of that tea at night when you're having trouble getting to sleep?
@BeeLeigh
Oh, you wrote that you "can see it on people's faces when it happens", so I thought it might not be too late then to turn the conversation around again.
Yeah I was thinking of establishing a tea ritual or something before going to sleep. Sleep hygiene and routines blah blah blah, I guess I should use the strange energy of this hypomania-like state to establish something that can calm me down too o.O (I'm totally going to conquer relaxation and sleeping now! Look at me sleep like a champion yay!! lol)
@hereigoagain
Yeah, I can see it, but I usually just cut myself short and try to talk about literally anything else but then it's all weird and then the conversation dies so 🤷🏼♀️
If you could figure that out, let me know lol. I have trouble falling asleep, but then I have even more trouble waking up 🙃
@BeeLeigh
I'd probably try something like "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to derail the conversation - where were we?" and then preferably ask a question about their experience or something if I could think of any. But I don't know how well that would work in your situations.
Well there's this one which makes a lot of sense in theory but is easier said/read than done of course...
@hereigoagain
I can say that from the bit I know of you - you seem pretty centered lately. I think you're onto something. It seems like you are figuring out what you need for personal progress.
I'm taking notes. 🙂
@themainjane
Hehe. Well my life is full of ups and downs - or well it WAS until a few years ago when it started to get just full of downs lol. So maybe I'm allowed an up again. I hate to admit it but it does seem like a relief that I'm not constantly falling into trauma holes or obsessing over what to do with the ones that I love because now there is nothing I can do. And offing myself is not an option either so I might as well go and live. o.O
I'm taking it easy today. I cancelled my harp class because I need a little more time to recharge. I'll still practice after I change my broken string. I'm enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.
@MKJart
Sounds like a lovely day. 🙂
So you play the harp? Growing up our pastor's wife had one. I was fascinated by the number of strings. Seemed an interesting instrument to learn.
@themainjane
I started learning in November, it's challenging and I enjoy it. I've got a long way to go, but that's part of the fun to me. It's really meditational.
@DeborahUK
Trauma so much afected me... Don't know what to do about certain things. I am losing it more like and realising what had.
@conscientiousPineapple1782
a bit feel like crawl
@conscientiousPineapple1782
That sounds hard if you feel like you're losing it a bit. I do know that recovery from trauma isn't all one way. You can often take a few steps forward, and then a few back. I guess the important thing is not to lose hope. If you've been further on in your recovery before, then hang on to that knowledge that you know you can get there again, because you've already succeeded before. If you're stuck in one place, and it's not where you want to be, never give up looking for a way to that brighter future. Others have found it, so it must be there somewhere.
I read the difference between success and failure is belief. I'm not sure myself, but I guess if you don't believe in your ability to achieve something, you may never try. So I'm going down the route of self belief, which is pretty much a no brainer really. I believe I didn't deserve the trauma, and I know it doesn't deserve to have its insidious hold on me forever. How does that sound to you? Could you be a believer too?
@deborahUK @agreeableKite for posting a daily checkin today believing it was sunday only to find out it was saturday LOL I then changed the date to Saturday to realise there was already a daily checkin for today so I have deleted the thread I created as you have wonderfully done one here I think my brain must be fried today but it was good chatting to the few members who responded to my thread, thank you guys :) Will see you tomorrow for the checkin. Have a great day :)
@dancingRainbow45
It's OK lol.
