Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In Sunday 22nd October 2017G

@Raveninthelabrynth

:(

Slept well. A little on the cold side. Need to add that to self-care, Im sure. For some reason I deny myself simple comforts or prolong discomfort through neglect or some weird psychology that says I should wait or sacrifice. In other areas Im selfish and overly-indulgent. Ill eat anything I want, layabout and do nothing all day, shirk responsibilities but if Im cold or something like that I wont take the necessary steps to seek warmth and drag it out. In the depths of depression I used to just lay shivering in an unheated or under-heated house denying my existence and my bodys needs except for sleep.

Sooo.. dont need that do I? Not when I can get warm, eat, drink fluids, etc.

What was the other question? Plans for the day?

To stay calm and try to accomplish some things.

I had no dream related anything this am - so I am just going to vent, which I really need to do.

People keep promising me therapists for trauma and DID.

And then they check with insurance ...always a big FAT NO.

I checked my insurance yesterday why - it covers 0 therapy.

I have to face the trauma and DID and overmedicating and SH and self hatrtred and all the ways it has and does effect my life 100% ALONE.

I can not even get free cousnseling at trauma places because the DID part.

And its not even that bad!

But still - big fat NO.

I was so excited that Monday I would get a yes...but I will not bc insurance.

And I do not have money for therapy.

My life is back to being hopeless again.

Filled with nothing but pain and SH.

This is what I need to accept.

A life of pain....or gather the guts to end it all - which I do not have...so: a life of nothing but pain/

I am feeling icky today. I try to focus on other uplifting things, but my body is stuck in this gross and anxious mood. Here is what is going on in my mind. I am attention seeking because I want people to care about me. The strange thing is, I want care and concern from my teachers that look similar to my dad, who molested me when I was young. I don't remember much of what happened to me when I was young, but I remember the feeling I felt when I found out how terrible of thing my dad did to me. I was reminded of this when I was telling my therapist about how I'm an attention seeker. We tried to figure out why the attention I do get wasn't helping me feel cared by others. It brought back memories of when my dad went to court, and I had to tell these strangers about what my dad did to me. (Btw, I'm safe and I am no longer seeing him, so do not be alarmed) I also told my therapist more about what I felt, and I'm now stuck feeling gross. I do feel better and more connected to my therapist, but since I've told him more about my abuse my father did, I now feel sick thinking about my therapist. I know I'm strange and I don't make sense, but this is what has been going on in my head today.

At the moment I have nightmares and wake up in a bad state about five or six days in every week. It is really horrible. Every morning is a struggle and every night it is hard to go to sleep. This has been going on for months and months. I have an appointment in a month to see about therapy possibilities, but it is not directly trauma therapy so I need to talk to them about how much my CPTSD is disrupting my life and see what is on offer.. first I have to wait for the appointment.

Today is nearly over for me because it is almost bedtime here. I had a day in bed because I was exhausted. I did my mindfulness meditation, started learning morse code and revised some Dutch. Mostly I have just relaxed and rested after a particularly bad night last night. I needed that. I have also watched a lot of easy watching Netflix :)

How are you all today? Better than yesterday, minus the migraine

Did you sleep well? Yes for the most part, didn't want to get up.

If you awoke in a bad state what are you trying or what did you do to turn things around into a better day? Caffeine is my friend. Lol I love writing and the muses in my head don't want to stop. It's good and bad love the ideas, need more energy.

I started to post earlier and then got interrupted by a couple good friends of mine.

Today was pretty good. Probably one of my better days in a while.

Yesterday afternoon I had actually planned some time off work to throw a baby shower for my best friend with our other close friend. And because of this I was home earlier than I usually am. Was in bed early and got a decent nights sleep. Today I got up when I wanted to which was great. Made amazing bulletproof coffee (I never have time, usually buy my coffee on my way to work). Then went to Church and spent some time this afternoon outside enjoying the last of some beautiful weather for us here in NY. The kids from upstairs came down and wanted to help me paint pumpkins for a contest at work tomorrow so we had a great time painting. Now it is most definitely tie for some sleep before what will undoubtedly be a long day at work tomorrow.

If you are reading this, how are you doing? I am hoping that I am not the only one having a really good day. I would love to hear about the small or maybe even large positive things you have going on today.

With trauma it can be very scary. I used to dream terrifying dreams, the most recent was a few months ago when I had a dream about being evicted and homeless.. Thank you for sharing this I have been away and it's great to reconnect with the community.