Traumatic Experiences Community Daily CheckIn - Sunday 25th June 2017
Good Morning Folks 
And it really is early morning here in the UK, 00.46am to be precise and Im saying Good Morning before retiring to bed.
Okay I have another fantastic quote for you all:
"Change is inevitable . . . adapting to change is unavoidable, it's how you do it that sets you together or apart." William Ngwako Maphoto
Change can be a scary thing for those of us who have suffered traumatic experiences. Many of us have behaviours or habits that are hard to change and have often served us as a form of protection, perhaps to protect us from being hurt by others, to cope with our feelings, anxieties and fears etc.
These behaviours and habits exist for everyone, even those who have been lucky enough not to have suffered trauma. Most people have behaviours or habits they are trying to change. Thats normal. But for Trauma Survivors, habits can be far more ingrained and entrenched. And it can feel really difficult to break habits, for some feeling its like a life and death struggle to give them up.
The reason it an feel like this often lies in the experience of anxiety. The experience of trauma creates a level of terror and fear that can come back so suddenly and unexpectedly; The protections/defenses Survivors create to get through the trauma, become the talismans against that terror and fear. It is hard to untangle giving up the habit with the old terror: at the neural level they are inextricably linked.
Having gone through trauma, you may wish to make changes but it can often feel like you are giving up the very thing that made you feel safe. Doesn't sound logical does it, and your present life may not be filled with terror and fear any longer eg the trauma is historic. But your brain still links them, so change can be far more tricky than for people who have not lived through trauma. Which is bad news because change is hard, period. And it's even harder for you.
Trauma survivors benefit with small changes, small goals to aim for, rather than trying to tackle everything at once or setting unrealistic expectations around change. Small changes are absorbed better by our systems and we build self-efficacy for change, when those actions we take to make changes are successful and repeated.
What changes would you like to make in your lives? Are there behaviours and habits you wish to change? What are the small steps you could take to make positive changes for yourselves that don't overwhelm you, that are realistic, achievable over time, and which respect you as a person and as a Survivor?
This space is yours, is safe to share with others, whether your having a bad day, good day or inbetween day. Healing is tough work, be proud of what you are achieving for yourself, Show kindness to yourselves and reach out for support when you need it.
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Hey guys, anyone up for challenge? Then keep reading!!! cheeky
The trauma community need you!!! From Saturday 24th June-27th June 2017 The Traumatic Experiences Community are holding a T-Shirt and Poster design competition for PTSD awareness.
We are asking all listeners and members who wish to take part in this fun but thought provoking activity to design something to raise awareness of PTSD that can be used for T-Shirts or for Posters. You can draw, use computer graphics, paint, design a collage, using photographs etc, anything you feel portrays your PTSD awareness message.
We will announce our top three designs chosen by YOU!!! and will post a voting form on Saturday 24th June, when the event starts. All votes will be counted up and the winners will be announced on 27th June 2017.
The Winner of the Design Competition will have their design printed onto a T-Shirt and sold at 7cups own Store!!!! So get busy folks with your artistic talents and get your design on a fantastic new T-shirt in the 7cups Store!!
The winner will also have their design featured on 7cups Facebook Page and will be the Trauma SC Picture for the month.
@dancingRainbow45 What are the small steps you could take to make positive changes for yourselves that don't overwhelm you, that are realistic, achievable over time, and which respect you as a person and as a Survivor?
I'd like to be able to feel comfortable in social settings while sober lol. Since quitting alcohol, etc I've lost my ability to function in public without feeling overwhelmed and utterly self conscious (and oftentimes completely unsafe). One purportedly positive change (sobriety) has exacerbated another symptom (social anxiety) to extreme levels, further complicated by my recent bouts with serious depression and agoraphobia. 😕
@melliotm Hey Mellio, thanks for the post. Coping with social situations whilst not under the influence can be really hard for some people. I dont know if you have read anything about social anxiety but I am leaving a link here for you if you would like to take a look. Its a self help book on shyness and social anxiety and you may find something in it which may prove useful for you
https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/shynesssocialphobia.asp
I think very often when we are healing from trauma, we can often find we replace one coping mechanism with another or find our symptoms can be exacerbated by actions we take but you may find over time, that the more your able to build on healthier coping mechanisms with success the easier things will begin to feel. I know it may not feel like much to some people but each time you reach out here, post, share, chat with others this is a small step in working on your social anxiety with others. Yes its online and to a degree you could think but thats no real life, but we are all real people behind the computer screens. Perhaps see that as a step to the next level How does it feel to be sober and well done on that
@dancingRainbow45 Thanks, Rain -- shall check that out.
Past trauma is definitely a factor at play. Has been a bit of a tough few days for me. Lots of old memories intrusively coming out of the mental woodwork, most of them unwelcome. Finding processing/dealing arduous, and having trouble extending kindness and understanding inward.
For now I'm going to keep reaching out using conduits like this community and taking things gradually. And try not to succumb to harsh inner criticism. Thankfully I have some good longtime friends who I both trust (for the most part -- there's always irrational fears and doubts lurking in the background) who understand me and know about my issues and history (I just need to get over this false sense that everyone are sick of me and my BS and reach out to them too).
Today is just one of those days where I feel the irrational urge to apologize to everyone for existing.
@melliotm Well you dont have to apologise here :) Its hard Mellio silencing the inner critic and believing that people are not tired of hearing about things and wanting to be there for you. It sounds like you have some good long term friends who have been pretty solid for you. Perhaps think about the length of time your friendship has existed, all the things you have gone through together and question if in reality they would be fed up etc as it sounds as if through good and bad times they have been there for you.
Do you know what has been causing you to have flashbacks/memories surfacing for you at present? Are you aware of any triggers in particular that you can pinpoint? Try and be kind to yourself. Healing is tough work and there will be rough times but hopefully over time they will be less difficult to manage
@dancingRainbow45 It was about a year ago exactly when everything finally fell apart in my life -- or, rather, the walls that I had built around my past throughout my life crumbled due to a specific trigger event which led to my spiral downward and I guess it's just... I don't know. It's hard to explain without retraumatizing myself. I'm feeling a lot this week, today especially, and finding it hard to not blame myself for everything. To feel like I've lost so much of myself. I've made a lot of progress since, and I'm trying to hold onto that fact. But it's hard to maintain my grip at the moment.
@melliotm Knowing that today is a kind of anniversary date/reminder to you makes it understandable that today may feel difficult for you. You said your life kind of fell apart and though that is a painful reminder for you, a year on, your here, your reaching out, you perhaps have more self awareness and you have begun to make changes that feel right for you That doesnt take away from the fact that right now you having a tough time but you have got through this past year no matter what obstacles and challenges have been in your way. I hear that you feel to blame, but you really arent 
@dancingRainbow45 Thanks, Rain. ❤️
@melliotm Your very welcome
@dancingRainbow45 What you said here hits home:
"Sometimes we can react with the feelings and thoughts we had at the original time of the trauma as though its happening now, seeing through the childs eyes or adults eyes instead of through the adult eyes that lives in the here and now."
Struggling to stay present in the here and now.
@melliotm Just want you to know we are here for you and we feel your struggle. You mentioned in your post above about how you have lost so much of yourself. Trauma, abuse can rob the person you were, and you can never go back to the person you were, but you can choose to become the person you wish to be now. You are strong Mellio, perhaps stronger than your feeling right now. You are making changes, you are making progress like you said, and you can continue to do so. Right now your having a tough time, but it doesn't undo any of what you have managed to achieve so far, no matter how many bad days.....hang in there
@dancingRainbow45 💟
There's so much I feel needs to be worked on with me but the fear and protection things really do seem to get in the way. I really am stuck in this survival mode thing... and it seems like no matter what I do, its there with all the anxiety and fear and everything else. I need to control this better as its leading to work issues again and I'm feeling worthless daily. This survival mechanism has to change....but how idk. I guess for now I just go see my T and try not to overreact or do anything stupid.
@niceMoon4358 Hey Moon, thanks for posting
It can be very hard when survival and defense mechanisms have been in place for so long, and are effective, even if only in the short term. The things we have in place often serve us well in the short term is the sense we do get a sense we have protected ourselves, not come to any harm etc but often we end up with additional problems as a result eg not letting people close means we dont get hurt, which is a good strategy in protecting ourselves, but equally long time, if we let no one in, we become isolated and can often end up feeling alone, not understood, invisible and like you said feeling worthless.
Im sorry you feel really worthless and I hope that you are able over time, to realise your worth and your enormous potential. Trauma can leave many of us feeling we have no value but you have got to where you are today, you have survived, though it may not always feel that way, and you are now from the sounds of your post, doing all you can to work on yourself, by working with your therapist etc.
When working through trauma, Survivors can often feel as though they are reliving their past today, as if its still real and happening or as though the threats are still current. As a result, many isolate themselves, dont trust others, keep people at arms length, look for hidden agendas in others, avoid intimacy and are hyper vigilant. Defense mechanisms are, in fact, coping strategies that, in the past, may have helped you adapt to a maladaptive environment. Now the key which perhaps you are working on in therapy is to adopt more healthier strategies that dont end up hurting you, to accept you have coped in the best way you had available to you, it got you to where you are today, but those old coping strategies that served a purpose in the past may no longer be needed, develop a better self image and to regain a sense of control and power over your life, where fear and the past no longer dominate or affect you to the degree that it does now.
Rain, I didn't know you'd put questions at the end (as this is my first search/read of a daily check-in within this sub-community).
I came here for a safe place to vent. Friends? I need to cry and then cry and then cry more. And if there were someone here to even just sit by me, or better yet give hugs and encouragement, that would be so much better. I'm not sure why exactly, but it is hard to cry alone. Well, it is hard to cry in general too.
It is nearly 5pm here. The weather is gorgeous. And I want to sit and cry. How does this make sense? I don't know who to call or reach out to - there are two I can think of right away, but I'm guessing the one she is with her family and the other I don't have her phone number or even address.
Does this sound like I'm feeling lonely? Yes, that would be true. I'm not sure how 7cups can help me at this point, esp through the forum/sub-communities ... But I needed to at least tell someone.
And, Amy, listener in Michigan? I miss you dear. ......... From (me), Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370 Hey Platy, yeah sometimes we put questions on the daily checkins, sometimes its just a place to share Everyone does checkins differently. Sounds like your feeling really upset and alone Platy? You say you feel like crying? Do you know whats going on for you to feel this way? The checkins can be a place to let us know whats happening for you, to cry, to sit with others, to seek support, to know your not on your own, and your words were seen by one person who is now writing back to you Sounds like you having a rough day and Im glad you have let someone know how you feel, because it can feel pretty rotten to carry all this and to feel your not sure who to call, or share with. We're here for you Sending you a safe cyber hug if you want one
@dancingRainbow45 ... Yes, Rain. And then someone gets all oh dear, are you okay? You know concerned for me, and I get really shy and wish I could tell them I'm fine, no problems, just feel sad or whatever feeling. But usually, because they actually care for me, they are not satisfied with blanket responses like that.
How/why can I be so sad when I have so much??! I am very blessed, much beyond what I deserve. I think I'll go hug SFO now. I'm kinda surprised he's not over here sayin' "Mama are you okay? What's happening?"
Thank you Rain, yes it does help to know someone is over there at least reading what I wrote. Seeing up-votes is (fill in correct word here) for me because it helps me realize that I truly am NOT alone - even when it really feels like it. ttyl, Platy
P.S. Yes, I almost always would like, need, or want hugs. Like probably 95% of the time. Platy loves hugs! In fact (shhhhhhhh!!) it's a part of my listener name 
@cyanPlatypus6370 Vent away. You don't have to explain nor justify why you feel the way you do. Sometimes we just...are. And it royally sucks to feel the sh***y feels. Period. Especially alienation (boy, do I feel that). Mega-hugs and solidarity, Platy. 💟
@cyanPlatypus6370 I think those who know you well, those who see beyond the surface, will be able to sense if your not okay, and would want to be there for you. Its so easy when people ask us how we are to say "fine", it becomes almost like a default response. Sometimes because we feel vulnerable and don't wish people to see that in us, sometimes because with some people we know that actually if we told them we weren't okay they wouldn't be that interested anyway, asking how someone is can also become a default question for some people, and sometimes we say fine, because we worry about how we feel affecting others etc And your right, the people that matter will want to know if there is any way in which they can help you to feel a little better, safer, comforted etc. And thats kind of hard, because then we can often feel under pressure to find the words to share whats happening for us.
Sometimes just knowing someone is there, even if they cant fix it, even if they find it hard to come up with all the right words, is enough to feel less alone. and your not alone here Platy. You matter and what you feel matters too And as you like hugs, then a massive safe hug is on its way to you
@dancingRainbow45 ... Thank you Rain. ~ P
@cyanPlatypus6370 Your welcome Platy
What changes would you like to make in your lives? Are there behaviours and habits you wish to change? What are the small steps you could take to make positive changes for yourselves that don't overwhelm you, that are realistic, achievable over time, and which respect you as a person and as a Survivor?
I need to keep house much better than I currently do. I'm really bad at keeping up with organizing and cleaning things. I'm working on it, but it's really difficult. I'm a lot better at keeping up with things when there's others involved, like at work and when I've lived with others. But when it's just me...I tend to let things go cuz I just don't care. I deserve better. I need to treat myself better. I'm trying. I really need someone to teach me how to do all this, even just basic things, but the internet is a great resource. I just need the motivation, and I need to keep the motivation if I can find it. I've made up a list of small things I can do each day, and I managed to cross off four of them yesterday. I'm trying to cross more off today. This is one of my biggest problems, and it's really hard to figure out on my own, but I'm trying.
@BeeLeigh hey Bee good to see you and thanks for your post. Always nice to hear from you and about whats happening in your world.
How would you like your home to be apart from organised? I think most of us could do better with organising sometimes, but its a great goal to go for, if you wish to start making small changes Do you find your not motivated or busy with work which prevents you from perhaps getting the house how you wish it to be? I know myself recently I spent time redecorating my bedroom, trying ot make it more of a bedroom than an office, something I put off for a long time, partly due to being busy, but also lack of motivation. But somehow when I started to see its potential, it got me fired up to keep at it Its good to hear though your working on it!!
I think having others help us, often can motivate us to stay on top of things and perhaps thats a tactic that you could use to achieve those changes you wish to make to your home. Often people hate cooking for themselves but when it comes to cooking for others, somehow we find that desire within to do it
You do need to treat yourself better because you matter. And you are trying to do that which is great to hear. I know you were attempting to eat healthier, hows that been going? I think for a lot of survivors too they could identify with what you said about missing the basics on things, because they havent learnt how others have about how to cope or manage things. And yes the internet is a great source of information :)
Having to do lists are great and do help to give you a sense of achievement as you cross them off and it sounds as if for you they are working, so keep at it and keep crossing them off, and appreciate what you do achieve, rather than what is left to do 
And your not on your own Bee, we are here cheering you on!!! We may not be able to tidy your bedroom or clean your kitchen but we can be that little encouraging voice that says "Bee, you can crack this, you can do this"!!
@dancingRainbow45
My apartment right now is basically a small forest fire, it's so messy and disorganized it's ridiculous. This weekend I've managed to put the fire out on a few trees and the surrounding greenery. The rest of my apartment is still a disaster area, but there's some organization now, and I'm really trying to get it all fixed up before I leave in a few weeks so that it's clean when I come home. I think I can actually make it happen too if I just do something small every day. 🤞🏻
This makes me feel sad :( It makes me think that I will not be able to achieve anything great in life, if the steps I must take are so much smaller than everyone else's :(
@singercrystalspirit
No, dear, not at all. It may just take us a bit to get there. We all must do things in our own way. But remember, slow and steady wins the race :)
@BeeLeigh Well said Bee. I think as Survivors many of you can be impatient for change, you want it now, so as not to suffer any longer, but your right, sometimes doing it slowly, bit by bit is the way to overcome things, not to rush through the process and not to set unrealistic expectations that perhaps are not always as obtainable as the smaller steps that lead to much bigger change
@dancingRainbow45 @BeeLeigh I guess that makes sense. I guess the turtle could have got upset too at the rabbit passing him so quickly. But still... I feel like the moral of that story is more along the lines of "don't get cocky" (and take a nap). I'd still rather be the rabbit and have the abilities of the rabbit.
@singercrystalspirit I can appreciate that must be how it feels sometimes, but perhaps consider the rabbit to be in a hurry and not always very wise, whereas perhaps the turtle whilst taking their time, gains much wisdom
@dancingRainbow45 That's a little better :) Thanks :)