Traumatic Experiences Community Daily CheckIn - Sunday 4th June 2017
Good early morning to you folks out there!!! Yes its one minute past midnight which here in the UK is Sunday LOL 
As some of you know I posted the daily checkin yesterday thinking it was Sunday so I am very prepared now to get the day right, at least here in the UK time zone, even if some of you are still enjoying Saturday 
Self believe and self worth take a battering when you have experienced trauma and it would be good to hear about the steps you are beginning to take to believe in yourself and your own worth/value which is not always easy to do if you have people around you who cant see your value or who perhaps take advantage of your vulnerabilities, your good hearts etc. So how are you beginning to believe in you!!? Believe in yourself video link https://youtu.be/W_VQbtO3ChM
Just wanted to remind you folks that no matter whether your day is good, bad or inbetween, we are here for you :) It would be great to hear how everyone is doing today? The weekend is often a time of relaxation for many, though some of you may be working. What do you like to do on your lazy chill out days? I hope you can find some rest and relaxation for yourselves no matter what you get up to smiley
This check in space is yours, to let us know whats happening in your world. Healing from Trauma is hard work, there are ups, there are downs, there are tears, and there successes and achievements. It can be tough going but always know, we are here for you :) Always reach out if you can for some support for your deserve that :)
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@dancingRainbow45
Some of the ways I'm learning to value myself include writing a list of my attributes/personality traits that I like and find valuable. At the recommendation of someone I asked two of my closest friends to also write a list for me. It was eye opening and made me blush, however, I'm really glad I did it.
Additionally I have been rewriting narratives and bringing in the things I know now as an adult to put things in the correct context. It's changing that internal critic of mine to a staunch cheerleading squad. I can see both my progress and how far I have to go and know that's OK. Step by step.
I'm really learning to appreciate myself.
I've also written lists of my accomplishments, lists of people who love and support me, lists of things I'm grateful for and more. Guess I like writing.
@MKJart I am glad you are learning to appreciate yourself and to challenge the inner critic. Inner critics sometimes could do with a big piece of tape across their mouth if you get my meaning LOL Its really interesting isnt it when our friends see us in particular ways or feel we have qualities that perhaps we dont see in ourselves. It can be very eye opening and quite uncomfortable when it is shared how others see us. I don't think many of us are good at accepting positive things about ourselves. perhaps because we dont believe it, or perhaps because it feels self indulgant. What made you blush or feel uncomfy about hearing those things, even if you were really glad to have done the exercise?
@dancingRainbow45
Not sure. I felt embarrased like they were describing someone else, but pleased of their word too. Kind of confusing I know.
@MKJart yeah it can be but someday maybe we may all start to see the qualities that others see in us that we struggle to accept,. thanks for your great post
Are any of you in London? Cuz it sounds like a lot of sh*t has gone down in London in the last few hours.
@BeeLeigh Whats happened in London Bee?
@dancingRainbow45
London Bridge area stabbing and van attack.
@BeeLeigh Yep just been reading on it. So so sad and really puts a lot of things into perspective. Im not in london but have friends who are. I hear they suspect it may be linked to terrorism but have not actually seen the news yet. Thanks Bee
@dancingRainbow45
I have never actually gotten a news alert on my phone, but my phone alerted me with a BBC article on the situation. That's the same area of the parliament attack in March. I hope everyone's okay 😕
@BeeLeigh I believe its not far away for sure. Borough market is near london bridge and london bridge certainly seems to be the area targetting and then people were attacked in bars and clubs in borough market. Really sad and just seen the figure this morning that 6 people are dead and 48 injured. it is so hard to know when these situations will strike despite intelligence.
@dancingRainbow45
My Gramma arranged our trip so we'd be flying home from Heathrow instead of Charles de Gaulle because she thought London was safer than Paris. Even yesterday she said London will be on such high alert nothing else will happen. Because she still thinks London is safer than Paris. I don't know that I agree with that. My mom doesn't want us to go. But we're going. Unless our idiot president actually gets a travel ban enacted I guess.
One of my exes is from London. He's still got a lot of family there. This is why I don't watch the news. If my phone hadn't alerted me to the story I maybe would've seen something on Facebook but that's it. I deal with death every day for work. I don't need to see it in the news too.
@BeeLeigh It must be hard as you said when you deal with death each day then to have to deal with things like this too. Regarding whether Paris is safer than London, I think there is a point that because UK is on high alert with more police around it could be seen as safer, but to be honest is someone wants to attack people, whether it be as an act of terrorism or not, they will find a way and the problem with attacks like these, is the way in which they are carried out, very planned but seeminly sudden and unexpected for us as individuals in society. I hear it frightens people, causes trauma, but there is also resolve from many who will not allow the terrorists to win who will not be driven away out of their towns/areas and so on.
@dancingRainbow45
I live by Chicago, and with all the shootings on the highways leading into/away from the city, and all the shootings all over the city itself, it's a little nerve wracking going there sometimes. But I've been going there my whole life. That's how I deal with that. Just remind myself I've been going there my whole life and I'm still here. That's also how I try to deal with going to new places. By reminding myself that I've been going to Chicago (and not always the good parts) my whole life, and I'm still here. Actually, there were men who were very protective of me in the one bad neighborhood every time I went to watch my cousins. I'd be out walking them in their stroller, and a man would always come walk near me but not too close, and in the street. He'd keep a watch over the area and just talk to me like we were friends. Then he'd drop off when I got back by the house. Not always the same man. But I always felt safe walking through there because of them. I wasn't the only one they did that for. It was near a park with children's baseball and everything so it seemed to me like they were protecting those with kids walking through the area. Which is actually common. There's the safe passage areas to walk to school and whatnot. Idk. The world just sucks right now in general 😕
@BeeLeigh It can do for sure, there is a lot of horrors, hate and anger that exists. I guess the way I try to see it, is for every bad thing that happens, there are more good which is trying to cancel the bad out. Doesnt always work especially when stories such as whats happened in London last night hit the news. Its good that there were people who looked out for you when walking in the neighbourhood you mentioned, good but sad also that this existed to try and protect yourself and others. How did it feel having someone watching out for you in those areas? Yes you are still here despite all the bad stuff that surrounds us, and I am glad you are. :)
@dancingRainbow45
It was nice. I liked it. I always felt safe there. Which is odd, cuz I don't really feel safe anywhere. I don't even feel safe walking across the street from my mom's home to mine at night, and I live in one of those "don't bother locking your doors" type towns. I also love by police officers, a homeland security officer, a court officer, and I'm just a couple blocks away from town hall, the police station, and the fire department. So I really have no reason to not feel safe here 🤷🏼♀️
It is kind of pleasant to think that it is already tomorrow somewhere.
@wontsleepwontwake It is here though no idea what today for me and tomorrow for you will bring. How are you doing wont sleep?
Do any of you also get sad and anxious about all the terrorism in the news. I'm so sad for all the people who have been hurt and murdered. It's just so terrible! I try very hard to not watch the news but it just seems to be everywhere. What do you do to help yourself not get scared and sad?
@KLM3278
Remind myself I have a really good life insurance policy so at least my mom would be well cared for. That's what I did today. I'm going to London next month. And staying next to the side of London Bridge that's not by parliament. So we all literally just made up our funeral plans. I told her to make me look good and give me a pretty casket. Is that bad? I feel like nothing will happen if I have everything overly planned out. Maybe that's stupid but that's what I do.
@BeeLeigh
I'm glad it helps you to plan. I don't know. All of it is for sure overwhelming though.
@KLM3278 I think its hard not to be affected KLM by the things that go on in the world. Terrorism obviously hits the headlines because of its attack which can be sudden and involving innocent people but terrible things happen all the time day in and day out most of which we dont get to hear about. I think sadly there are always going to be bad things happening out there and the only thing people can do is try and counteract that with goodness and love. I tend to avoid the news and try and remind myself for all the bad things happening, there is a ton of good too :)
@dancingRainbow45
I try and do this also. It's just hard sometimes. Thank you.
@KLM3278 OH it is hard thats without a shadow of a doubt and your doing fine KLM, some days will be easier than others, but its always hard when something like this happens and I think its having quite a sober affect on many people right now. Hope your doing okay and hanging in there
@dancingRainbow45
I'm doing ok. And I'm trying hard to keep myself ok.
@KLM3278 Glad to hear it KLM <3
I mean, I'm up at 1:30 am, so there's that.
This is my first daily check in, I don't know if I'm going to keep up with it or not. I'm feeling not so great right now. I have been in a funk for the past week or so. I have been through a lot over the past 7 years or so. It felt like thing after thing after thing, nonstop. Lately, I have had a chance to start to process. It's hard. I know it takes time and I definitely have that to give towards my journey of feeling better, but I keep hitting jams in my processing of events.
I got a new boyfriend and it's an incredibly bizarre feeling. I can't handle how caring he is. It's scary, good scary, but scary. I keep expecting it to turn.
@amicableNorth4690
Welcome and so glad you posted. I hope you continue to process things and that things go well for you. You can always share here or come and go as you please - no pressure. 🙂
@themainjane
Thank you! It is now 3:30 am and I am questioning my ability to sleep tonight, but that's how it goes sometimes.
@amicableNorth4690
I understand. It's 2:30a here.
Have you ever tried relaxation or mindfulness/meditation music? They make some for help with sleeping?
Or if you'd rather share what's on your mind?
@themainjane
I got to sleep, thankfully. The worst part is that I barely remember what was on my mind. :(
@amicableNorth4690 Hey North great to hear about your new relationship and I can appreciate that it must be scary as well as at the same time exciting. It can be hard to understand sometimes why someone may care about us, particularly if we have been traumatised and have a pretty low opinion of ourselves but sometimes what we dont see in ourselves others do. Everyone has good and bad traits, for example I can be incredibly stubborn which can be an asset or a hinderance. I hope you can enjoy the new found relationship and take time to get to know one another and have fun. Processing can be very difficult and healing and recovery can take time, with ups and downs along the way and having support to hand can help you get through those tough moments
It would be good to hear about the steps you are beginning to take to believe in yourself and your own worth/value which is not always easy to do if you have people around you who cant see your value or who perhaps take advantage of your vulnerabilities, your good hearts etc.
I feel like I've got a long way to go before I can be considered part of the good hearts club.
I don't say this to garnish comments or compliments from anyone. I'm putting it out there because it's the unfortunate truth I don't want to face. I mean, I'm not a monster but I'm not the person I once was.
Trying to get more honest with myself. I've worked so hard to obstruct the truth for so long that I'm not always sure what the truth is.
@themainjane
I have selective memory issues. There are a lot of things that I no longer remember unless prompted. Even then the memories are emotionless and cold feeling. Like I can't remember them. It's super frustrating to try to know the truth when you can't even trust your own memories due to self protection mechanisms, so I think I understand and it sucks.
@themainjane
You know what tho? I just reposted a thing about not believing everything you think. So might be a good time to challenge the idea that I'm not a good person.
Instead of worrying about my "goodness" I'm just going to try and behave kinder and maybe little by little I will become good! 👍
@themainjane Ooohhh thats good to hear that you are going to try and be kinder to yourself!!!!! Really pleased to hear that, so what are you going to do today to show some kindness to you jane?
@dancingRainbow45
ha, I see what you did there. Actually I meant be kinder to others but giving myself a break that I'm not horrible is a start towards kindness towards myself.
What am I going to do? . . . I think I will try to set a small daily goal to get back on track again. The dishes need doing again. It seems I struggle just to do these repetitive tasks.
I wish I had better writing skills. Second time I've used garnish instead of garner. Once I was a bit more on the ball. Use it or lose it. I didn't practice and my foundation slipped away.
I guess I'm recuperating quite frankly. My system is all jacked up and I'm random it seems.
@dancingRainbow45
I nearly broke last night. Completely. Keep being so let down and hurt. I want to just retreat back into my shell. Not trust, not reach out. But I have to, for my boys' sake. Thank goodness for my amazing listener here.
I didn't sleep until 6.30 a.m. And then got 2 hrs broken sleep as my kids were up already.
I'm so fragile today. And I have to pack for a trip. I can barely function let alone organise.
Struggling to hold onto hope today
@Tamba What made you nearly break Tamba. anything specific. Am so sorry you are feeling pretty bad and lack of sleep certainly will make things feel harder to manage and cope with. Trust is so hard when you have been let down and hurt so much in life. Sadly there are people who you think you can trust and then find perhaps trusting them is not such a good thing after all. But there are good people too, to cancel out the more negative sides, who can be trusted and who dont set out to hurt anyone or let anyone down. I wonder whats happened for you to feel this way? Be kind to yourself and be gentle with you while feeling fragile and please reach out if your able to get the support you need. Im glad you have a listener who you feel able to turn to
For now, I'm gonna set aside the deep introspective question regarding self worth, as I don't have the strength for such mental exercise at the moment. Maybe later. It's a painful one, for sure, tapping into a lifetime of struggle.
Anyhow.
Supposed to meet for a play date with my daughter this morning. Alas, soggy weather is mucking up original plans. Trying to coordinate alternatives while still waking up is not fun.
My roommate comes back at some point today from her camping trip. The house isn't in too horrific a state (having spent the majority of the weekend hiding in my room), but there are still lingering tasks that I would like to complete to make her return from the wild relatively painless. Lack of energy and initiative continue to be the primary impediments.
Today is one of those days where it feels like no matter what I do or decide (or how I frame the decision-making process), it's going to be the wrong decision. That overall sense of insecurity js making me feel especially stuck. And inexplicably edgy -- muscles are taut with self-inflicted tension, almost verging on migraine territory.
Having great difficulty breaking the day down to easily digested bite sized pieces.
@melliotm Hey mellio its fine to set aside the question of self worth if your not able to go there right now, it can be tough when energies go into just managing and organising or making decisions when struggling with the issues you do day to day.
It sounds as though you had planned to go out with your daughter but the weather has thrown a spanner in the works. Perhaps there could be some fun time you could have indoors if its so bad to go out, perhaps watching a great classic movie together, perhaps baking cupcakes with your daughter or dough figures of characters from cartoons or animals etc and then painting them together, perhaps a board game. Just some ideas for you.
I hope that whatever you decide to do today that it is managable for you, and perhaps justing trying to work towards one thing for now, is enough to achieve :)
@dancingRainbow45 The weather cleared up in time to enjoy some time outside in the park near my house -- my little girl was ecstatic to spend some quality play time with daddy (likewise, I'm sure :)).
@melliotm Am so pleased for you, its always nice to spend some quality time with your children and so glad the weather didnt hamper that for you. Am sure your little girl loved spending that time with her dad.
@dancingRainbow45 Was also able to tackle some of the nagging household mundanity and delay the remainder till tomorrow. Felt good to at least accomplish a few things. Always have to keep everything in context to maintain perspective (eg, am dealing with a depressive episode as of late and all that entails) and try to apply self-awareness/compassion according.
Maybe one day this will become something I do reflexively and unconsciously; right now it takes mindful practice, minute by minute.
@melliotm
please don't take this the wrong way.. but I enjoy reading your posts. Your unique commentary at times makes me laugh (you're a clever one 🙂) but most importantly -- I feel we are both struggling with some of the same things. Being debased to a life where the average chore seems like climbing a mountain. It's a humbling place to be for me and it's hard on the esteem.
But I've felt the encouragement of those here who struggle with similar and not-so similar things and I am trying to push through the self-doubt and absurdity of it all. Anyway, I'm rambling on your post now so I'll shut it. 🙂
Just really meant to say thank you for all your sharing.
@themainjane "I feel we are both struggling with some of the same things. Being debased to a life where the average chore seems like climbing a mountain. It's a humbling place to be for me and it's hard on the esteem."
😀 Yeah, I've felt a lot of kinship with a number of your posts. It's so hard NOT to feel invalidated when you feel like basic day to day functionality requires so much effort. But it helps to know that one is neither alone, nor grossly anomalous.
My brain is tired and rather foggy atm, so capturing the right words is proving to be difficult. So for now i will just say "thank you". :)
I woke up feeling better today. I'm re-reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. - Awesome book on wholehearted living and value of vulnerability,
I'm teaching this morning which is always a highlight for me too.
The weather is soupy, but I think the sun is starting to peak out too..
@MKJart Sounds a really interesting book, on the value of vulnerability and this has given me some ideas about perhaps doing a post on this or even a discussion so thanks MK I hope your teaching today goes well for you and that the day generally is a good one for you.
@dancingRainbow45
I feel right now a bit overwhelmed... I try not too care much what others say. Wish have more support and wonder how much conscious supposed to be..Sometimes got tired of all confusion ... Try to go with my guts and believe in myself. I feel better after meditation in nature and make up my mind to take a breake for about month.
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Hey Pineapple, good to see you :) Whats making you feel so overwhelmed right now? I love your post about trusting your gut instinct, for very often your gut instinct is the one to follow because most times its right!! Meditation in nature sounds a wonderful thing to do for yourself. How does it feel when you do this? Taking some time out or away from things can often help to clear the head thats for sure, sometimes just a different environment can help too
@dancingRainbow45
I am overwhelmed by descisions and emotions. I done midfulness on 7cups with bells, mostly just empty my mind and focus on nature.
@conscientiousPineapple1782
It's hard to not have a lot of support. I understand. I went from having friends that offered no support to me to having nobody. Making new friends and meeting supportive people takes time, which sucks, but it's well worth it in the end.
Spend as much time in nature and meditating as you can if it's what makes you feel centered and relaxed. In my experiences with meditation it's helpful to try to move that meditative feeling into everyday activities, but I don't know what form of meditation you do.
@amicableNorth4690
I found easier and more support online... maybe and it's problem in me. Not sure like why want to make truth nicer when nobody saed it supossed to be. Things are more clear when take a walk or breake in nature.