Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Wednesday 17th May 2017
I've already tried setting this post up once today. I'd written how I was slightly earlier posting it today than yesterday. How I knew I'd still missed the day for many community members in the Southern Hemisphere. But that it was a small step.
So now it's become a small step with a setback!
Recovery from trauma doesn't always go in a straight line. Some days you may feel, however good your intent, you're moving backwards. But don't let it stop you trying those steps, even if it's just on tiptoes. How's your day been? What small steps have been happening, or not happening, for you today?
I meant to explain my first attempt at setting the post up had failed, because my internet flaked out on me. But then I forgot to make that point in my post ^^
Yet another setback! But I'm not giving up!
Tags -
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@vriska44 @sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @BradyChay2310
@AutumnLeigh @KristenHR @DeborahUK @Isaac @InvaderStitch @generousWaterfall39
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Just occurred to me that I can also use this thread to remind you of the
Trauma Support Open Chat Session
Wednesdays 4:30pm to 6:00pm EDT Open Chat (Adults) in the support session room.
Okay, enough of me talking to myself. Over to you lovely people :)
@DeborahUK
Isn't that now..?
Uhh, nevermind my head is not working
@hereigoagain
Sorry, but you missed it. I'm all over the place with time zones, but it started two and a half hours ago, ended an hour ago.
How's today? Feeling any less ugh?
Gahh, I had to beg my ...bf? -ish... to come over today even though he needed space and to protect himself because I keep triggering him (and he keeps triggering my abandonment issues and whatnot of course, which in turn triggers him more oh isn't it fun, right it isn't). We almost broke things off, we almost had me admitted to the psych ward because he didn't feel like he could take care of me any more and I felt like I couldn't go on if he didn't because he's the only close person I've got left and I really feel like the isolation would kill me right now. In the end we agreed to meet up again tomorrow and not talk about anything serious and just try to have a nice time together and see how it goes. Wish me luck 
@hereigoagain
Aah, I'm not sure if this is more ugh or less ugh than yesterday, but I wish you luck for tomorrow.
You sound like you've been having some pretty heavy conversations with him there. I like your idea of keeping it simple tomorrow. Sometimes we can get so bogged down with all the external baggage, that it's easy to forget what drew you together in the first place, and what's kept you together since. Whatever that is, I hope you're both able to rediscover it tomorrow, and find some comfort and safety in one another's company.
@DeborahUK
Definitely more ugh for most of the day, the only reason I didn't seriously hurt myself was that he was there and I knew it would have been terrible for him. We know very well what drew us together and what kept us together, but our own issues and the issues with each other are just so much and he gets so triggered and I've treated him so poorly earlier due to some of my issues that he no longer feels emotionally safe around me and anyway I drag him down so much that it's damaging to his own mental health too.
Hey ... maybe I can put this comment here?
Technically this happened yesterday, May 16, but now it is the 17th. I went to an appointment, 1st meeting this new person to whom I was referred by my general practice doctor. I'm not exactly sure what my Dr. asked for this person to do, but it felt sort of like a psych evaluation ... or an interview at least. The problem was in thinking of how to answer her questions, I was triggered all over the place. But I couldn't very well tell her that because I'd actually just met her! It was difficult and now I still have not heard from her. She asked me that she'd confer with one of her colleagues and call me in the morning with decisions/referred names etc. Well that was this morning = today and now it is nearly 11pm. So??? I guess I'll call the office again tomorrow.
Oh and still no real good ideas of how to go about talking about those triggers. They've left "the front of my thoughts" now, but it probably would be good to talk of them with someone.... I'm just not sure who. ~ Platy
@cyanPlatypus637
Hi there Platy. Respect to you, but your post reminded me of someone who cleans their house before the cleaner comes, because they don't want to put on them. You went to some sort of mental health assessment, but withheld information about your thoughts and feelings to someone who's there to help you. Hey, I'm not knocking you okay, because I don't think your response is uncommon. But why do we do that eh? Put on a brave face, pretend we feel better than we do, hold on to our feelings even to those who are there to help us? I guess it's hard to allow someone to see you at your most vulnerable, to admit out loud quite how hard you're finding things sometimes, maybe all the time.
I hope you hear back from her soon. I hope she or her colleagues can begin to help you. I hope you can begin to talk more openly about those triggers, and find ways to manage them. I wish you peace of mind.
@DeborahUK .... With part of this I disagree, I'll get back to you in more detail later.
@cyanPlatypus6370 Our natural inclination is to hide, pretend, perform -- feign normalcy, deflect from evidence of disfunctionality when feeling exposed and especially under evaluation. But those triggers, those inexplicable involuntary reactions are precisely what need to be conveyed and identified in order for them to provide us with effective, personalised care. I've found that being as nakedly open and honest as possible with any and all reactions/responses during such appointments is the only way to present my needs in a way that allows them to make an accurate assessment. It indeed places the burden of embracing and accepting vulnerability on us survivors who literally can't extend trust to strangers without extreme effort (and or feel like we are in some way being tested, or judged). I still find myself bedridden from mental exhaustion immediately after any such appointment, even with those whom I've already established a rapport.
@melliotm ... Hi there. You are closer to how I was feeling. I am feeling rather attacked by both you and @DeborahUK ... so I'll get back to you both later.
@cyanPlatypus6370 I'm truly sorry you felt attacked in any way by my response, instead of supported. My apologies for misunderstanding and invalidating your experience. It clearly sucked for you, and that's really all that matters.
Thank you @melliotm .... that is true. It was awful. I left a message for each: my gen practice doctor, this new person I saw on Tues, and our vet regarding my sweet SFO - all at just before 5pm today. So I hope one (or all three) will get back to me before the weekend! I'm tired, which is good, for I should be - it's 12:38am here. Good night guys. Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370
So sorry Platy. Making you feel attacked was so far from my intentions. I really do apologise for any upset caused.
I wish I could figure out what is the right thing to do. Monday seems so far away (that's when I see my counselor).
I'm dreading today. My spouse has told me I will regret a certain decision. Times like these I wonder why I stay married. If he is set on ruining our future what am I supposed to do?
@themainjane, sometimes it helps me to take a moment to picture who (or where) I want to be. Then I can make a better choice on which decision will help me be that person or get to that place. Sometimes we have to pick a choice that means taking care of ourselves over someone we love. That can be so hard.
@christinat
that feels like betrayal, like I'd be betraying him.
@themainjane, I hear you. I have felt that too. Sometimes people force us to choose being loyal to ourselves or to them. That is not a fair choice to have to make and sounds like such a painful situation to be in. Sometimes we have to decide what our priority is. For me, it took a long time to learn to make my safety and wellbeing a priority because no one else would.
@christinat
l'll think about that. But honestly I do have people that care very much about my safety/happiness - my folks.
Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But the last time drinking and a gun were involved at the same time with him, someone ended up with a cocked gun to their head. 😞
@themainjane
I don't want to divorce him but I'm getting tired of hurting too.
@DeborahUK
feel more supported but needs more time to deal with emotions
start to heal...
feel more secure
@conscientiousPineapple1782
That sense of feeling more supported and secure is so important as you start to heal. Long may it continue, and please remember there's no rush. Although it's tempting to want to feel instantly better, and to cling on to those moments where you feel human again, time really is an important factor. I wish you all the best as you deal with those emotions, and gradually heal.