Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Monday 31st July 2017
Good morning Everyone!! 
Today I thought I would do something a little different to my usual posts which tend to be more focused on topics some of you struggle with. Today I thought we would talk Bucket Lists.
A bucket list is a list of everything that you want to be, do, have, and experience in life. We often hear about bucket lists. Have you come across bucket lists before and how have these made you feel? Are other peoples bucket lists anything remotely close to what you would put on yours? Your bucket list doesnt have to be full of things that cost the earth. Your bucket list can be what you want it to be.
Do you have a bucket list? Have you done anything on your bucket list? If you don't have a bucket list, if you made one, what would go on yours? Do you feel comfortable sharing anything from your bucket list? If so, please share.
For those of you who have alternate parts, what would your parts put on their bucket list and would that differ from what you would put on yours?
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@dancingRainbow45
Hi
I have never had any bucket list but I will make one! My list will have things that I want to do like traveling or buying new things. And also things for taking care of myself.
I feel much better from yesterday btw yeah just wanted to say that
@sensitiveShade5337
I'm glad you're better 💜
@warmheartedTurtle6662 @sensitiveShade5337
Me too! Glad you feel better!
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey Shade, Im glad your feeling a little better than you were yesterday :) I know it can feel tough on the rough days but you can get through them with support and hopefully as time goes on, those rough days will get a little easier to manage and more positive days come your way.
I would love to hear your bucket list and travelling sounds fantastic. If you could name your top three places you would like to go to, what would those be? I love the idea of your focusing on taking care of you too, by whatever means you choose
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you!
They would be 1) Santorini,Greece 2) The Netherlands 3) Poland
@sensitiveShade5337 Oh they sound great places to go, and me to with regards the netherlands. Fantastic goal to aim for
I don't want to be alone. I've made amazing memories, but I share them with my Gramma, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend. My gramma's boyfriend came over after we left when we got home. My brother and his girlfriend created those memories together. I came home...to my teddy bear, Buddy. I know I shouldn't be with anyone. I'll just end up with someone who hurts me again because I'm not strong enough. But knowing that doesn't really make it any better. I'm the odd one out in all our family photos. I have no one to share these memories with. There were places we went that you weren't allowed to take pictures. My brother and his girlfriend will share those memories, but I bought the books because no one was there to share those experiences with me. That's really it. I don't want to be alone, and I want to graduate college. As long as I've graduated and I'm not alone, I can die happy. I have all I need, and I've gotten so much more than I could've ever wanted.
@BeeLeigh
No one says you have to be alone. I think it's quite possible that in the future you could find someone to love the way you want. A healthy love. Don't close yourself off from the idea if it is something you want.
As for college - I'm sure you got that one handled and will push through. And I know you have the ability and then some!
@themainjane
I'm actually really worried about my anxiety level this coming semester because I'm in 4 Psych classes, a writing class, and French. I suck at French, but Spanish was full and I need a foreign language 😕
As long as I have my therapist and you guys here, I think I can make it through, but I had some really difficult moments last semester and I've broken down a lot while trying to get through my school work. It's a struggle. But I want this too much to give up. I'll be 30 when I graduate if I stay on track (29 if they have the graduation before May 26 😉). I've waited too long for this and fought too hard for this to give up now. It breaks me down and makes all my symptoms exponentially worse. I triaged my assignments last semester and only did what I absolutely had to to get the lowest GPA possible to still get honors (you get more financial aid if you get good grades 🤷🏼♀️). But I'm doing this because it's important to me, and I know I can make it happen.
@BeeLeigh
Your perseverance has not gone unnoticed. Well done, you!
Lean on us when the psych classes get tough - and teach us stuff! Lol
@BeeLeigh
Maybe you can join a study group? Never know friendships might form. You have valuable life experience in being a "non-traditional" student. And there is no way almost 30 is old!!!
Might seem that way sometimes if you're surrounded by college-age kids but it's def not true! I think being friends with all ages is beneficial to all involved. (Afterall, I'm waaay older than you - almost 15 years. 😯)
@themainjane
My mom is barely 16yrs older than me, so sorry, but I don't think you're old 😜. I do school online, and I think that's part of my struggle. Because I don't have the access to the teachers like I would if I were on campus. But I have to work and pay my bills so this is my only option if I want to make this happen. I completely broke down once because I couldn't figure out how to cite something and I only had a few hours before the deadline. It's rough. But I think I might stand a better chance this coming semester. I guess we'll see!
@BeeLeigh
oh my guh .. I could be your mom?! This is horrible horrible news you evil child!!
No fair making me feel old! 👵🏻
@themainjane
😂 You said you're almost 15yrs older than me, which means you're 14yrs older than me, and my mom is 16. So, I guess you're close? But no. I don't think 14 is old enough to be a mom. My mom was not old enough to be a mom. But she's the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had and we'll end up in the nursing home together so, you know, some good things come with being close in age 😜
@BeeLeigh
I'm technologically challenged. Seriously, like it's a miracle I find this site everytime. I don't even know how to put up links.
Its even more important you find a knitting class or something since you don't go to a physical class. But I know with work and school there's probably not a lot of time.
@themainjane
Ironically, it's not just about not having time, I don't have anyone to go with me 🙃
@BeeLeigh
But when you got there you wouldn't be alone.
Having a bit of a tough time at the moment. I'm coming out of it. Just tired and sad.
@themainjane
Yeah but I wouldn't know anyone going in. I need like, a chaperone or something. I need someone I know to be there so I feel safe enough to actually go. No...that's not it...I walked through London on my own just fine. I knew my destination, so I figured out the path. I couldn't walk down to the Eiffel Tower on my own because I didn't know what it would be like. My hotel in London was safe. I knew that before I started walking there (for the record, the Eiffel Tower at night is not safe if you're alone...it's barely safe in a group). I need to know that where I'm going is safe, and I can figure out how I'm getting there just fine. Maybe if I can find some group or something that's in a location I know and feel safe in, I can go to that. I mostly only go places with my mom or step dad. I feel safe with them, so I'm more willing to do things outside my comfort zone because I trust them. But I just walked through London on my own at night after being there two days. So maybe I *can* do stuff without them. I already knit, but maybe I can find something else..🤔
@BeeLeigh
Yes, I think you can.
I cried tonite for a minute - husband issues. I guess I don't deserve sympathy if I stay. I just wish I had someone to talk to when I feel this way. I did so good the other night but tonite it got to me.
I even tried to find a Listener. I tried alanon chat. No one there talking. He just makes me feel so bad sometimes and then I feel bad for feeling bad. Can't process it. It's like my Achilles Heel.
@themainjane
I've felt that way with several exes. So, I can offer you empathy if you want it. It's not the same as sympathy, but I think empathy is better. Sympathy is what people offer when they can't relate. I can't relate to your exact situation, because everyone is different, but I can relate to how you're feeling. It's overwhelming and it makes it difficult to think clearly. I cried for most of my last relationship. Every time we were together we argued and fought and I'd end up crying because I couldn't think. I couldn't process anything because my brain was constantly overwhelmed. But then he'd leave me flowers and presents outside my door when he knew I'd had a bad day. He'd take me out shopping for new clothes when I was really down. He would buy me things to "make up" for treating me like crap on an almost daily basis, blaming me for how he treated me, damaging my vehicle multiple times, nearly killing me on more than one occasion, and of course, being a perfect gentleman in front of my family and his so whenever I said anything negative about him they were quick to defend. There is no right answer in those situations. Because when you're in it, you can't see straight. And when you're not the one in it, that's exactly why you can't have an answer, because it's not you that's in it. When love gets involved, it mixes everything up and complicates things.
@BeeLeigh
Empathy is good. And overwhelmed is a good way to describe it. It's that damned crazy-making alcohol.
I never know when he's going to get that way until he's already that way. He almost always passes out right after difficult moments and I'm not even sure he remembers. I'm left feeling sad or overwhelmed. My tolerance for this behavior is wearing thin.
I am glad you understand. It's nice to have someone that does. I'm sure others do too. Thank you, Bee. 💜
@themainjane
My father set the bar so low, and everyone has subsequently lowered it. It's not safe for me to be with anyone. I know I'm doing what's best for me, but it also kinda hurts. I fall too hard and too fast because I basically just want someone to care about me. I know there are people who care about me, but you all know what I'm talking about is different. I don't know. Maybe if I had friends it would be different. My family saw the pictures, I'll work on posting some here later today, so the only person I even have that I can tell about my trip is my therapist. Which is a little depressing. I just want what seems to come so easily for everyone else. I know "everything is not as it seems", and I know what you see in public isn't necessarily what happens at home. I know makeup can cover anything cuz I've covered just about everything before. I want someone who won't turn on me a few months in and become a totally different person. I didn't think that would be asking too much, but my life has proven otherwise 🤷🏼♀️
@BeeLeigh
For what it's worth when we went on our family girls' weekend I only had my counselor to tell. I didn't get to tell her much cuz life was happening.
We are your friends here but maybe in time you can join a reading club, knitting club, some activity you enjoy where you can meet with others.
@themainjane
Sometimes I just feel like Lilo from Lilo & Stitch. That might not make sense to some of you (or any of you, I don't exactly know everyone's movie watching habits), but I know what I mean. Lilo is different. People don't like her because she's different. She talks to her doll and she prays for a friend and everyone around her just looks like they either hate her or pity her all the time. I don't always pick up on social cues well. When I try to behave the way that someone else has, it's not met with the same response. I try, but I always fail. I'm just not good with other people. I'm better in writing, so that's where I've always been comfortable. This is who I really am. You see all my good and all my bad, and you don't turn your nose up at me. No one in "real life" will even take the time to see the good.
@BeeLeigh
😞 It's sad that you think that. Just be you. I make mistakes with people too. I try too hard and if I try to be like others it's almost certain to be a definite fail. I've got socially awkward down. But I also know how to pull it together and fit in - at least I tell myself so. Some truth to it I'm sure because I can make people laugh. And I try to make people comfortable. Accentuate the positive, Bee! It's there in you!
Ive never seen Lilo and Stitch but now I might have to watch it.
@BeeLeigh
I totally love stich!!!
@BeeLeigh Hey Bee, your not alone, you have us all here behind you I know that may not feel the same as having people there for you in your real day to day life, but we all care about you here, so never feel alone here with us. I believe too, that because of the kind of person you have shown yourself to be here, you wont be alone in life, there will be someone there for you when you need, at least I hope this for you.
Im glad you have some amazing memories to treasure. Have you considered making a memory box and putting all those memories into some kind of form and keeping them in a memory box that you can decorate how you would like? I think too we would all love to share in the amazing memories that you have!!
I know you may not always feel you are a strong person and therefore undeserving of someone because you feel afraid of being hurt or letting others down, but you have got to where you are today, because you have an inner strength that could not be destroyed at the time of trauma. That strength resides in you and cant be taken from you.
I hope you achieve graduating from college with the qualifications that you are hoping for
Most of my bucket list is not far-reaching into the future. Maybe that will come later. With one exception (hopefully).
I hope that when my parents pass on that they are at ease about me. That they feel I will be alright.
I would like for us to own our own home again. Being displaced has been difficult.
I would like for our business to succeed.
I would like for our marriage to succeed.
I would like to lose weight and quit smoking.
I would like to spend more days outside than I do inside.
.. I think other dreams will grow from these.
@themainjane I think all the dreams and goals you listed Jane are within your reach and attainable if you set your mind to it
Being displaced is very difficult and I hope that you can one day own your own home again and your parents be proud of what you have achieved in your life. I love the idea of working on your health and relationships for that can bring much happiness for you but I love the idea of spending more days outside, appreciating the beauty and world around you and I think you may be right that other dreams can stem from all the things you have on your list
@dancingRainbow45
Thank you. 💜
It's insane really that I don't spend more time outside because if I can push past my fears I really love to hear and watch nature - what there is of it here, and the sky, the feel of the weather.
Losing weight and quitting cigs is going to be so difficult. I hardly know where to begin. I want to but then again not bad enough to actually implement diet and exercise/cutting back, vaping.
Its like I'm mentally blocked to beginning. Need to get over it but never do. I'm probably going to have to join the Healthy Living forum - if I can get brave enough.
I don't have a bucket list. Reading this makes me think I should think about making one.
@godborned Hey borned. I would love to see what you come up with if you would like to share with us here?? and welcome
@dancingRainbow45
I can only think of a couple of things that I want to accomplish...
1. To be able to talk about my trauma without it causing me to go into an anxiety attack
2. To better myself spiritually and physically and emotionally.
3. Own my life again. Yeah I know that this one kinda falls in work the first one.
Thanks for the welcome. I've been reading the posts for a month now and decided that today I'm going to start to post myself.
@godborned Hey Borned, good to see you hear again and Im glad that you now feel okay with posting here. Your very welcome here in this community and I hope you can find some support and comfort here. You are in good company
I hope you will be able to speak as you need about your experiences and to get the support you need. I hope that the panic or anxiety attacks you currently experience begin to diminish for you over time, as things begin to improve for you, and I believe this could lead you to feel emotionally healthier over time
Always be yourself, always choose to do what feels right for you, be kind to yourself and patience :)
@dancingRainbow45 Bucket lists make me sad. They remind me of death. They're a list of things you need to ensure that you do before you die .
I can't. I just can't bring myself to even create one. I'm not ready to die.
@Behindhazeleyes
I can appreciate this because I've thought of death since I can remember and always been pretty much fearful of it.
I thought if I stopped my life that I could stave it off. But life (and death) doesn't work that way. Not much rhyme or reason to it.
So at long last I've decided to live while I'm alive. I've had an irrational fear that if I ever got my life together I'd find out I was dying. Like a cruel joke. So what's the answer? Never let yourself really live much of a life? Spent years that way and it's not a good answer.
We all die. But we don't have to live like we're already dead.
I've grown up with death. When my dad came home from work it was normal to ask him who died that day.
I was spiritual and prayed a lot. For other people and myself. There was a lot of fear. And I've lost loved ones as we all have. Seen small children in caskets when I was a child myself so not much denying the cold, hard truth.
And I live in a funeral home now even. It's not been easy. But I'm changing my mind.
Anyway, I'm sorry if This offends. Just guess I wanted to explain?
I'm sorry and your feelings are valid and I'm sure you have your own very personal reasons for the way you feel. I hope I didn't say the wrong thing..
@themainjane Not at all! In fact, this is a reminder for me to start living...
@Behindhazeleyes I think what you said about this being a reminder about living, was very much behind the idea of the bucket list theme, Not to think about death but to grab life and do what you wish in life, grab the opportunities and dreams and strive to achieve them :)
@Behindhazeleyes
Well, maybe your Bucket list can be the plastic kind used for making sand castles at the beach!!! That's not a reminder about anything other then something real fun! And maybe your list can only have fun things on it! :)
@Behindhazeleyes Yeah, I'm with you on this one.
Today is already difficult enough for me without kicking the bucket being added to my stress. 🙃😬🙈🙉🙊
@melliotm
Hey Melli 💟
By the way, is it Mel, Mellio, Melliot, Melli or ? What do you prefer to be called?
@themainjane Melli, Mel, Mellio. It's all good :)
Call me 'Al' even, if you be my bodyguard (yes that was a Paul Simon joke).
@melliotm
get these mutts away from me.. amen and hallelujah!
@melliotm
wasnt this played at the end of Spies Like Us? (Haven't seen it in forever but I loved that movie - chevy and akroyd, too good)
@themainjane I think so! Chevy Chase is in the music video with Paul (mostly for humourous visual effect, I would presume -- the height differential is stark).
@melliotm Hey Mellio, hows it going for you? I know a bucket list has traditionally been associated with someone who perhaps hasnt long left to live, but the idea of the bucket list is to get people to think about what they want out of life, what they wish to achieve, what dreams they have. Sometimes life passes us by so quickly we dont set up time to work towards achieving our dreams because life takes over but sometimes it can help to have something to strive towards
@dancingRainbow45
@dancingRainbow45 Purely semantics. I prefer #lifegoals 😎
Eg:
(Unlike this person, I don't watch GoT -- I just appreciate people who aspire to dress up their pets.)
edited by dancingRainbow45 on 1/8/2017 Had to remove Picture as it contains an account of someone outside cups and contravenes community guidelines
@dancingRainbow45 Anyhow, my life goal is (and has been for some time) to write and publish a book of some sort. Someday.
@melliotm
Yes!!
@melliotm Oh that would be wonderful to do. Your life story or something different? Would love to you your story in our newsletter if you fancy it?
@Behindhazeleyes Hey Hazel, Bucket lists yes have been linked to those who have a terminal illness or are close to death. But bucket lists can be all the goals and dreams that you wish to achieve in your life, all those things you may have thought about doing and can plan to do. I guess life passes us by so quickly sometimes and we think about things we want to do but dont often make plans or efforts to go after what we would like in life. So I guess for some people having a bucket list is their attempt to always strive for what they would like out of life Not allowing more time to pass by before they then decide I actually want to go and do this but feeling perhaps the time has gone for them to achieve it, perhaps due to commitments, family ties, children and so on
@dancingRainbow45
I actually saw a video recently about someone completing things on their bucket list and it ended up making me think a lot about why I don't have a bucket list and why I always sort of disliked the idea of making a bucket list. I realized that it's because a lot of people put these really extravagant adventurous things on their bucket lists and, for the longest time, that always seemed so frivolous to me, a human who was barely surviving but didn't quite have the language for what I was going through yet. I think that, while the things I would have on my bucket list are probably more 'basic', I do have a better understanding and appreciation for the act of writing out your hopes and dreams in a list. I guess I just wish there was just more understanding or more space being held for folks like us within this whole bucket list 'culture' for whom listing things like 'skydiving' and 'visit X countries' just seems above necessity compared to 'have a stable home' and 'defeat negative self-talk for 7 consecutive days' etc. :s :s I don't know. These ideas are pretty fresh so they might not be fully-formed yet. :s
@catsith Oh I totally agree with you Catsith on the items that have appeared on peoples bucket lists being extravagant and costly or extreme. A bucket list as I see it is anything you want it to be. I think in life, sometimes we dont always appreciate or even see what we have around us and we can take all those small things for granted. I think one of my items would be to make as many people laugh and smile as possible, because that too me is so more important than jumping out of a plane. But I guess we are all human and sometimes perhaps we have dreams that we wonder if we will ever achieve but anything is possible if you put your determination and motivation to things. I guess the idea around the bucket list when I wrote the post, was about thinking about what you want in life and striving for it whatever those goals or dreams are but you raised really valid points on how bucket lists are seen or portrayed and yet the goals of defeating negative self talk and having a stable home life, are far more long lasting than a skydive and with far more impact too
Sorry for not feeling up to the thought experiment (fun movie though -- Morgan Freeman owns). Hopefully seeking support is still part of the check in mandate. Today started off 💩 and really hasn't improved all that much as it has gone on.
Kept jolting awake all night. Had one particularly unpleasant (or triggering, more accurately) dream about my late Nana that seriously unnerved me (2nd mother to me, never properly grieved her death, part of my trauma, yadda yadda). Got stuck dealing with other (de)pressing life matters almost immediately after waking up, so I haven't been able to make any calls about rehoming my cats yet today (thanks again for your help, @BeeLeigh & @themainjane💟💟). And I have a psychiatrist appointment in less than an hour that I can't cancel. I feel absolutely wrecked, and don't know how to deal with any of it, besides completely falling apart.
Happy effing Monday.
@melliotm
I don't know how I didn't see this sooner, I'm so sorry!!! How did your appointment go?
@melliotm
I saw this then I totally forgot. I'm sorry.
@BeeLeigh @themainjane Nothing to be sorry about. It actually went better than expected (which isn't surprising, considering how low my expectations always are when it comes to these things). It was draining though. I really feel it today. We talked about some difficult subjects...
anxiousness is high at the moment. Lots of dreams last night.
@melliotm
Dreams suck. I'm glad it went better than expected even if expectations were low.
I suspect low mood or anxiousness today is par for the course. Glad you could discuss some difficult subjects. Hang in there.
we're all just hanging in their by our toenails- or by our tails like a row of possums! (Insert possums hanging here)
@dancingRainbow45
I did a vision board about 8 years ago and it's all come to fruition in one for or another except I havn't gone diving with the manetees yet.
Maybe it's time to make a bucket list or other vision board.
@MKJart Oh I love the sound of a vision board, perhaps instead of calling this post a bucket list, I should have used the words goal and vision board!!!
