Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Saturday 19th of January, 2019
Happy Saturday to you! I am soo happy to see you round here and I do really look forward to hear from you, I have really missed you all! 
How are you feeling today? :)
How has this week been to you? Is there anything you would like to share about it? :)
Soo, I usually have some topic to these check-ins but this week was hard for me, and I found myself in the usual situation when I feel like I just do not want to bother anyone with sharing it or do not want to just "hi-jack" an already going conversation or thread and I still have to remind myself often that my feelings matter and there are people out there who care.
And yes, there are people out there who care about you, I do care about you and you are not bothering me at all and I am always glad to hear for you. :)
So this is exactly what this post will be about. I mean, I want you to feel free to share whatever you may have on your mind without "bothering" anyone here or without the need to "hi-jack" an already going conversation :)
So, do you have anything on your mind you would like to share? :)
I would love to listen!
Of course, there is absolutely no pressure on you here, if you want to just say hi and sit with us that would be amazing as well and we can even build a pillow fort if you want! ^-^
I mean, just having you here is really awesome on it's own :)
Also, feel free to join @Hoxenos, @SoftWhispers and @MelSue84 for a discussion on Positive and Negative Coping today at 3:00 PM ET :)
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@redmark just wanted to stop by to say what yous all do is amazing. Please look after each other and be kind to one another and to yourselves. You
@crimsonLime6525 aww lime ty for the appreciation
Hey there @crimsonLime6525 *offering safe hugs*
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
Aww, thank you very much, this really means a lot to me and to all of us. I want you to know that it really is awesome every time to see you around here as well and you are definitely worth the kindness as well from yourself and others! :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark I am not worthy of anything
@crimsonLime6525 Well, I think you are worthy and you certainly not have proven me otherwise so, I would say, you are worthy of it in my opinion anyways, and for the time being I will keep on insisting and reminding you of how amazing of a person you are.
@redmark heyy red how are you feeling
Hey there @CaringBrit *offering safe hugs*
It is always really nice to see you around here!
I am okay-ish, thank you for asking :)
I have decided to vent and share it (>here<) and honestly it was more of a shock I guess, still bothers and kind of hurts me but it is whatever it is, I guess, Thank you for your question! :) (Just for reference I am kind of questioning/trying to figure out my gender identity for a while now, but as an AMAB who loves man I am still ""at least"" gay)
Aaaanyway tho, how are you feeling? :)
I mean, either way,
Stay awesome!
@redmark im good red and ive read and replied to your post ty for sharing it with me
Hi!!!
I'm hurting... and need to get my strength back [right now I don't have the strength to go on...].
I'm victim of rape, violence, threats, and intimidation... I've long faced dregading and humiliating treatment... "Some people" subjected me to terrifying experiences during which they blindfolded me, tied me up, raped me... I'd been beaten and badly bruised emotionally and physically... I think words cannot express what I'm feeling... what I felt...
I endured all of this pain without saying a word [cause I was not allowed to voice my suffering]... but now I've got a pressing need to express my feelings through words [without any real risk to myself], cause they are really killing me [although I'm sick with fear and worry]...
I know it'll sound ridiculous... but... when I think about all this, I just feel horribly guilty... I'm overwhelmed with a great feeling of guilt, shame, fear, embarrassment, hate,... I blame myself for everything... and... well... sometimes... I just self-harm to ease my hurts and anxieties...
Well... I find it difficult to carry on talking about what happened... a terrible panicky feeling come over me... It's a nightmare... So I apologize for leaving, but I still don't know how to manage all the turbulent emotions I'm experiencing...
Hey there @M2nc4s *offering safe hugs*
We are really glad to have you here with us!
I am terribly sorry that you have to endure all that and you are hurting so much :(
Are you at a safe place right now? Are you safe?
I mean, of course, either way, we are here for you to support you and help you as best as we can. What has happened to you and been done to you is not your fault and it definitely is not something you should be ashamed of or feel guilty for. It is not telling of you it is telling of those horrible peoplo who have done that to you.
I know it can be really hard to try to open up after all that time not being allowed to do so and I just want you to know how proud of you I am right now for being so strong and reaching out to us here!
Of course, to heal all these traumas it will take time and it can be really hard at times but you are not alone in this and together we can do this, or I do believe in it anyways and I do believe in you! :)
You do not have to share anymore if you are not feeling comfortable doing so, you are in control here, you share as much or as little as you want and it is totally okay. You and you feelings are valid and important and we are just happy to have you here with us either way :)
I just want to thank you for putting all that trust in us, which, I know, was hard, and sharing all this with us. :)
I look forward to hear from you more sometimes but, of course, no pressure, only if and when you feel comfortable to do so :)
Stay strong and awesome!
@redmark
Let's say... I'm safe from any immediate danger... although... I can't tell you for sure...
Anyway... it's worth the risk... I think it's time to speak out... I can't take any more... that sort of lifestyle (
@M2nc4s im sorry to hear the horrible erxperience youve been through no one deserves such awful treatment as for the need to express how you feel express away you are safe in here and your feelings matter to us
Anyone in here who is also suffering from Androphobia? (fear of men)
Hey there @versatileLunch5851 *offering safe hugs*
It is really nice to have you here with us!
I was kind of hesitant to reply here as, even though I feel much, much more feminine, I am still an AMAB, so technically a man. With that said, I think certain bad experiences can cause us to develop fears to keep us out of the way of harm and if your traumas had to do with man it is possible to happen. I am pretty sure you are not alone with that either, although, I do not suffering from androphobia myself.
Stay awesome!
@redmark
Thank you for this.
Hey there @ReallyRuth *offering safe hugs*
It is really awesome to hear from you around here!
I am always glad to help and support if I can and I am really happy if you find this helpful in any ways. I mean, if there is anything we may be able to help you with feel free to reach out to us or just share whatever is on your mind here anytime :)
No pressue tho, of course :)
Stay awesome!
Hey, been a while.
My best friend attempted suicide last Thursday and its triggered the hell out of me. My boyfriend is depressed and all over the place at the moment which is also triggering to me. I dunno just feeling super triggered and unstable again. To top it off I have now got the flu which then started a migraine. Summary: Not been a good week or so.
Recovery is so frustrating. You think you are doing well and then well life happens and while your not back at the beginning you know your quite a few steps back.
Upside I recently got an official autism diagnoisis which I am really pleased with as its just confirmed everything I already knew and has helped me process my childhood trauma a little better.
Hey there @Lilibuth12 *offering safe hugs*
It is always really awesome to hear from you around here!
I am really sorry to hear about your friend. I mean, I am glad to hear that they have survived but, of course, I know it can be really hard and triggering for you to get through especially with your boyfriend being all over the place like that and with that flu and migraines you have to deal with. I do want you to know tho that you are not alone in this, although I know this is not the same, but we all are here for you to help and support you anyway we may be able :)
Recovery is hard and it can certainly take time but I think it definitely shows how strong you are that you are reaching out to us right now and I know that, with that amazing strength, you can get through this and we will be here to help if we can. You can do it, I believe in you!
You know I can kind of understand you, I think. I have had a therapist who has done some tests with me, I mean, more generic ones, just about anxiety and depression, but still, after all that she has just left me hanging. It really bothers me at times that I never got to knew the results and I feel like sometimes having a proper diagnoses can be helpful to proceed and better understand and process your feelings and thoughts and I am really glad to hear that you have got a diagnosis that has helped you like that :)
Stay awesome!
Hi Red.
Its good to hear from you. Im sorry you had a hard week. Im glad you can express yourself here and your thoughts and feelings definitely do matter to us.
I am experiencing quite high levels of emotional pain right now. New bits and pieces of memories that were coming back last night. PTSD is definitely not for the faint of heart, LOL! I think the thing that I am really struggling with right now is that the person who hurt me used to more or less threaten to end my life, I think. Everything was so long ago and its all jumbled in my brain that I cant be certain of anything but thats what I think happened. Anyway, of course I was afraid of that and I didnt want that to happen. But I think that came a point in time when things were so awful that I agreed with them. Just like, fine go ahead and do it. Put me out of my misery kind of thing. And then, then this person had the nerve to tell me that not only was I not good enough to live, which Id already been told repeatedly, but that I wasnt even good enough to die!! As if I was such a horrible person or kid or whatever on the inside that I didnt deserve life or death. I deserve to be stuck there under their control being miserable and suffering. That would be too good for me because then I would be relieved of my pain and suffering and I finally wouldnt hurt anymore. Im so angry! I dont even know how I feel about all of this because its all new. But it hurts like crazy and Im really angry.
Hey there @pioneeringBanana1598 *offering safe hugs*
It is always so nice to hear from you around here!
My week was a long one for sure but I have made it through and now I am having some time to rest and process my thoughts and feelings better and it is helping. Thank you very much for caring about me, it really matters a lot to me :)
I am terribly sorry that you have had to go through all that. I mean, I feel like anger is a fitting emotion there although may be really hard to properly process. Those words are certainly something you have not deserved - and neither did you deserve anything they have done to you - and I think it really tells a lot about them.
You are just so much more than them tho. You are really inspirational. I do see you here every week for a while now and I can tell you are going through a lot but still, making small steps each time and processing all that you have been through bits by bits and it is just such an amazing thing. I mean, if anything, I am really proud of you for doing such an amazing job and, still, being here and caring about me as well for example :)
You are truly an amazing person and, I know I say this a lot, but I am always really glad to see you here and I am happy that I have got to know you here so far and I want you to know that I - and others from the team - are always here for you if there is anything we may be able to help you with or you would just like to vent. :)
You are not alone in this and you can do this, I do believe in you :)
Stay awesome!
@pioneeringBanana1598
I was also told I wasn't good enough to live or die. I'm sorry you went through that too.
@RedHawk6547
Thank you
@redmark
Just a hi
Hey there @Avaray *offering safe hugs*
It is always really awesome to have you here with us!
I do hope you are having a good day :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark
Thanks Red xx
@redmark
I havent posted in quite awhile. I am not well. I have shut down. Life continues to go on around me. My absence, unnoticed.
@affectionateNorth4018
I am sorry you are not feeling well. Save hugs if you want them.
Hey there @affectionateNorth4018 *offering safe hugs*
It is really nice hear from you again here!
I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well lately, I know it can be really hard to deal with all the thoughts and feelings but I am glad that you have decided to reach out to us here now :)
I know that feeling lonely can really just make everything worse but I want you to know that you can always reach out to us here and I would be always glad to listen and help if I can! I mean, I know this may not be much here, but you are not alone in this we are all here for you. :)
Stay strong and awesome!
There is too much going on in my mind. The thoughts won't stop. Need them to stop. Feel like everything I do lately gets messed up. I try hard to be a good mom and sometimes I think I am. Mostly though I feel like a failure. How do you teach a child about feelings when you were taught to not express them? How do you help them through the ups and downs of life when you still don't know how to cope yourself? As she gets older I realize how much I have failed her. I haven't taught her the basic things in life because I was never taught them. How do I break the cycle? I tried my best and I let her down.
Hey there @RedHawk6547 *offering safe hugs*
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
That's a vicious cycle that is hard to be broken for sure but I think it is important that you are reaching out for help. I would also not say that you have failed your daughter. I mean, all the time I see you here - or, well, most of the time - your first - and usually only - concern is her and for me that says a lot. I am not sharing it often but my relationship with my mother is basically non-existent, since my parents' divorce is has just got more and more distant and, for that reason, the fact that you care so much about your daughter and see you being so concerned about her is really something I do truly admire.
Also, I do not think it never too late to learn some "life skills" yourself either and while learning them you can also try to "practice" them and teach them to your daughter.
I mean, just to re-iterate, I do not think you are a bad parent and definitely not a failure anyway although it may be my own bad experience with my mother but for me just see you being so loving and caring of your daughter makes me think you are a good parent. :)
Stay strong and awesome!
