Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Sunday 13th August 2017
Good afternoon Everyone! 
Today's checkin is going to be pretty simple, no long paragraphs of me talking about some topic which I think you guys would find thought provoking.
Today is about our expectations, our thoughts around healing, recovery and overcoming traumatic experiences. We very often give ourselves a hard time, comparing our own healing and recovery journey to that of others, or having expectations, getting impatient with ourselves, discounting the huge impact that trauma has taken on our lives, and the amount of years, we have carried that alone or with little support but expecting in no time at all to suddenly deal with everything. Healing doesn't work like that and I wonder what thoughts you guys give to healing from trauma, whether your expectations are harsh or whether they are realistic? When we have a tough time dealing with our past, many of you, get angry at your perceived weaknesses of not having dealt with things by now, or angry that it's taking the amount of time it does to overcome. In addition, because of the many hurts we have suffered, many Survivors believe that somehow through their actions and thought processes they keep themselves safe from getting hurt again. But in life there are no guarantees and no absolutes on safety, because we cannot predict the future and we cannot control the actions of others. What we can do, is put measures in place to safeguard ourselves where possible.
What are your thoughts around your own healing process? Would you say your expectations are realistic or do you find yourselves getting impatient and angry? When someone says the words healing from trauma, what does it mean for you?
This space is for all of you to share the good, the bad and the inbetween of whats happening in your lives? Healing is tough going and its often helpful to know there are others going through the same with you. This space is safe and is yours to share whats happening in your world.
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What are your thoughts around your own healing process? Would you say your expectations are realistic or do you find yourselves getting impatient and angry? When someone says the words healing from trauma, what does it mean for you?
I think my expectations are realistic at times, and at others not. I think I'm too hard on myself at times. I'm getting better at going easier on myself, but I am a bit concerned with school coming up that I'll start breaking down all the time again. I'm not sure what healing from trauma means for me. It's all I've known, except for these last two years. I don't have a "before" to go back to. I don't know any different. But I think I'm getting better. I never had anyone to support me before. Now I have all you guys and my therapist, and it's made such a massive difference. I don't get so overwhelmed now. My thoughts are less jumbled. I remembered something the other day, but I didn't feel it. It was something that was usually a flashback, but it was more like if I'd read it in a book or something. I saw it, but I didn't feel it. I think that's what healing is.
@BeeLeigh
That's awesome Bee!!!! I'm so proud of you.... I know I don't know you well, but just from that post you wrote, I am proud of you for surviving such a tough time with a positive attitude on top of that. That is something beautiful about yourself, that you are able to see the positive even after all you have been through.
@singercrystalspirit @dancingRainbow45
Thank you both for your responses!! I really do feel like I'm doing so much better! I am still a bit concerned with school starting Aug 22 that I'll start having breakdowns again, because those were happening somewhat frequently last year, but I think I'm in a better position to handle the stress of school this year 🙂 I had a pretty good system worked out by the end of the year for getting all my homework done and not stressing me out too much, so hopefully it will work again for this year. I am taking French though, cuz I needed a foreign language and Spanish was full, so I'm kinda not looking forward to that 🙃
@BeeLeigh
I hope your system works again, too! I am sure it will still work at least somewhat; you can always tweak it if you need to for new classes School is definitely challenging on multiple levels!! Again I am proud of you for hanging in there, just knowing you are a student I know how challenging that is myself because I've been there, in the midst of a lot of trauma; I BeeLeigh-ve in you! 
Awww, thanks @singercrystalspirit! ❤️
@BeeLeigh Hey Bee, thanks for posting. I would say I would agree with much of what you put. I think sometimes deep down you all have a pretty good idea that healing isnt easy but that doesnt always equate with expectations when hard on yourself or when you get impatient. I think when you dealing with Trauma it can throw up concerns when life events start happening but the reality too is you have lived with carrying around the impact of trauma for a long time and Im sure there were other life events that you had to get through too, and this one eg school will be no different. Perhaps the only difference could be that you have more support now than you did say a few years ago?
It was interesting what you said about not having a 'before' to go back to. Perhaps part of healing is about having a future that is different than life being dominated by trauma? Perhaps healing is having that light at the end of the tunnel.
Its good to know that by having support you feel less alone and that you dont become so overwhelmed as you once may have. We are fully behind you Bee, good and bad times. And the fact that your experience of a flashback was less intense and raw is a sure sign of heading in the right direction towards healing too
@dancingRainbow45
Rainbow, how are you always able to say just the right thing? You have a talent or a skill for that. Thank you for sharing it with us. 
@singercrystalspirit lol I don't know about that Spirit but hope its helped whatever I have said
@BeeLeigh That really resonating with me, because I don't feel like I have a before that I can go back to either.
@sweetMelody95
i feel like it makes things more difficult. I'm sorry you don't have a before. ❤️
@dancingRainbow45
What are your thoughts around your own healing process? Would you say your expectations are realistic or do you find yourselves getting impatient and angry? When someone says the words healing from trauma, what does it mean for you?
Good morning Rain,
My thoughts around my heaing process is that it's moving along. While I think my expectations are realistic, I still find myself being impatient and angry at times because it comes back around when you least expect it sometimes. The words healing from trauma for me is being able to have a fulfilled life that is not throwing you into the past when the present is usually far more pleasant. I think healing is a lifelong process. Nothing can make it go away, it already happened, but I can learn new skills and improve myself when I don't behave in ways that don't serve me or others.
Have a great Sunday,
Mary
@MKJart Good evening there Mary, how are you doing?
I love what you put, and again echoing what I said in Bee's post above, I think most of you deep down know what healing could entail but when things are not quite going to plan or at the pace you would like, or when things crop up or rear up from no where, as your post said, you can get impatient, frustrated, angry etc. Healing isn't linear, you can have good days and then really bad days, but over time what healing can also be about is those bad days being less intense and less severe an impact on your life.
I agree too that healing is about having a fulfilling life, where triggers do not send you spinning and where you are living more fully in the present rather than the past and all that goes with it, creeping right into your present day again. Your right, having gone through trauma cant be changed, but how you deal with it, and the impact it has on you, can change and learning new ways of managing things and letting go of destructive behaviours is also key to healing.
You too have a great day
Sigh... oh, expectations. It's only been within the past year that I've started to realize how immensely hard on myself I have been for as long as I can remember, and how unrealistic of expectations I've had. In the past, when someone would tell me my expectations were unrealistic, I translated that as them saying "[Singer], I don't think you can handle that." When in reality.... it wasn't a personal criticism of my capability (at least, most likely in most cases); rather, it was much more likely someone who cared for me looking out for me and trying to get me to see that I was expecting so much from myself that I was likely to be continuously frustrated and disappointed and unhappy. Someone wanting me to feel happy with life.
I identify a lot with this post.
I definitely have carried a lot of things for a long time either by myself, or with far too little help and support, due to feeling ashamed or thinking I ought to be handling it all myself. Another thing I've only learned recently in the past year or so is how to truly ask for help. I'm no expert at it, but I've at least got the basic idea of it down now, and have started to have it sink in that everybody needs help from time to time, and it's no slur on my capabilities as a human or as the heroine of my own journey. Heroes in stories receive help at the times in which they most need it. In fact, you could go so far as to honestly say that a hero's ability to succeed depends upon their ability to receive the help that is offered to them. Pick any story, and that hero would perish if they didn't accept the help when it was needed. I don't know where we invent the stories we start telling ourselves that we can't ask for help.... maybe it comes from having people in our lives at some time who should have helped us but hurt us instead; so maybe it's a defense mechanism thinking that there is no real help. Or, maybe we had people at a vulnerable time in our lives who told us too often that we ought to be able to handle things on our own, and we started listening. I know both of those things happened to me. I had an ex who was consistently telling me that I ought to be more independent. And I have had people who should have helped me (i.e., someone who is your true friend, by definition, is someone who is supposed to help you when you need it from them), but who hurt me instead.
And then, yes, indeed, I get frustrated with myself with not being where I want to be in life. When the reality is that I have had FAR less support along the way than some other people have had. I have had far fewer true friends, I have tried to do far more on my own. The benefit of this is that I have become strong; far stronger than many people who have had more help will ever become. The drawback, of course, is that I personally myself have not achieved as many of my own goals and dreams as I would like to have. Because I've been so busy getting a workout developing my strength.
When I do become angry at myself at points in the future over this, I hope I can remember a gentler and wiser and truer perspective. It is frustrating to think that dreams and goals are so far away, and to think "if only things had been different, I would be closer." There are some things I will always have missed out on; for instance, having the teenage-hood that I wished I'd had. I'll never have the chance to have that, and I know I haven't even fully processed that grief yet even now, at age 29. Even though it wasn't my fault, that doesn't help the grief of what I missed out on and can never get back. All I know to do is to breathe, to be with my body here in the present, and to think gently toward myself, and re-focus on the now. To look away from the other people (whether it's real life, or movies I'm watching) who I am comparing myself to and regretting things I didn't share with them, and to look toward my body, right here, right now, and just breathe. And when I can, to turn my mind toward gratitude for what I do have, and to focus on those things and think about them and let the warm feelings of gratefulness penetrate into my soul as much as I am able.
I know that I am terrified of becoming hurt again in the romantic relationship realm. This might be my biggest challenge. I am terrified that if I will become hurt again in the future, it will "prove" that it was my fault (my poor decision) that caused me to become hurt in the past. My parents contribute to this thought process, by continuing to warn me about relationship potentialities that I share with them. I myself am terrified of "choosing" someone to enter into a romantic relationship with. I am trying my best to place safeguard measures in my life against actual red flags, and also to learn to let people gradually in. It is taking a lot of practice. I do get frustrated with the process, and sometimes I feel under a lot of pressure because I do want to have my own children, and there is a biological timeline on that. But it won't do any good to worry about it, so I just try my best.
Those are my thoughts Thanks for reading.
-Singer
@singercrystalspirit Hey Singer thanks for the long post. Im sure in my reply I wont cover everything but wanted to respond to your honest and upfront post.
I think like you have said about how your hard on yourself with regards your healing, or perhaps even tough on yourself with regards the expectations you set, many Trauma Survivors could identify with this. Perhaps for some of you, other people have set impossible or high expectations and you have carried this with you from that time. Perhaps because some of you feel never good enough, your always striving to prove different, but setting unrealisitic expectations only serves to keep you lock into the negative self esteem cycle.
I think those who care about you only want the best for you and if they see your perhaps striving for something that is way beyond a level they would set for themselves, perhaps they have concerns for you with regards you setting such high standards.
Askign for help too is such a hard thing for survivors to do. I guess its about recognising you have a need, having a need makes you feel vulnerable and its often been when you have been vulnerable that others have exploited that. Its good though to hear how this is beginning to change for you. And your right even heros need support and help, everyone does. Trauma Survivors are no different and are deserving of support and help.
You point out many good reasons that have hindered you in getting to the place you want to be in life, but you are working towards it, some people never try. Each small step taken is towards the right direction and towards healing and that is not to be ignored. And your right, all you can do is your best and that is good enough. Try to be a little kinder towards yourself and realise how far you are now to where you were.
.
@dancingRainbow45
Thanks Thanks for everything you said, you've given me some good things to think about. And thanks for your support
@singercrystalspirit Your always welcome
@dancingRainbow45
@dancingRainbow45
I'm not expecting to heal just like that.. It always makes me sad to even think about it. :( So many that have happened and they are just there none of these are going away.. :'( Healing is a word that doesnt exist to my world yet.
I feel so helpless and worthless.. Ive been trying to be good and dont react with anger, its hard. :'( Ive kept all my emotions for a whole week but Im trying to have everything under control. I'm here trying so thats what matters most for me :'(
I'm sorry for what i feel
@sensitiveShade5337 Im sorry to hear that you feel healing doesn't exist and I'm not going to say I dont appreciate that this is how you feel because it is, and no one cant say different, but I truly believe, healing is possible for everyone. It may take time, and it may be a rocky road to get to that point, but even those who like you felt it was impossible before, have made steps towards their own healing, having once felt it was not achievable. Each time you reach out here, thats another step in the right direction.
Managing emotions is something a lot of trauma survivors have difficulty with, either because they couldnt or werent allowed to feel at the time of trauma, or because their afraid of losing control, not coping, being rejected or judged, or a ton of other reasons. But emotions are healthy, everyone has them, but its what you choose to do with them, how you express them No that determines if they are healthy or not. Anger too is healthy but it has to find the right channels to be expressed. You have every right to feel angry about what you went through and its okay to express that, but in ways that don't hurt or upset you, or that hurt others. How do you feel you could begin to express what you feel in ways that feel okay for you?
No need for apologies, you feel what you feel and thats okay. Hang in there
@dancingRainbow45
Everything seems so hard..I had some bad flashbacks today and they made feel so guilty and embarassed of myself.
I dont know how I can begin on expressing them in a way that doesnt hurt me or others.. I need help
I'm still getting hurt sometimes from some people.. I'm really scared :'(
@sensitiveShade5337
Oh my heart goes out to you Shade as you talk about how hard it is and how scared you are. And flashbacks are awful. I wonder if you have found any ways of managing these. Could recommend looking at www.pete-walker/managing flashbacks.
Most of all I want to say to you how good it is that are talking to us... this is a step forward.. well done! We are here with you in support. x
@dancingRainbow45
To me healing may mean when I don't need to wonder enymore how I feel and am I actualy recover from it... Healing hmm. Maybe and to be less confused... Sometimes I feel lonely and vornebel... Lately feel tired of life. I think and miss some chances like..
@conscientiousPineapple1782 Hey Pineapple thanks for your post. Healing can be whatever it means to you, and perhaps your right, perhaps for you, its when you can be more careful and not have to worry about what your feeling or why. I think survivors can find healing confusing for sure, and it has lots of ups and downs, but you can get there. I hear that it feels tiring, and I really do appreciate how hard it can feel, but you can get there, we have faith in you Pineapple, but hope you can find that within yourself too
@dancingRainbow45 Brain is tired, foggy, words not really forming as I'd like them to. So for now, I will quote @MKJart:
I think healing is a lifelong process.
And maybe tomorrow I will tackle the questions more in depth. Because this post does strike a nerve, no question.
@melliotm Hey Mellio sorry for the delay in responding. Im sorry your having a difficult time with brain fog and finding things difficult to perhaps put into words? I think your right too with regards healing being a lifelong process. For me I perhaps see it as a journey of self discovery, of learning about yourself and working on what you need to for you to have that life you want.
No worries on not answering questions, you know you dont have to do that if you dont wish to or if its hard for you. Anytime you want to write is fine.
been choosing all negative coping for a while now ... the positive ways dont seem to be working.
went to hockey today and rather than helping which excersise is supposed to and usually does it ended up making things worse, I had been doing better at avoiding the memories it triggers and today just got all bad again, paniced there and have almost cried and half cried so much since
dont know what to do
@learntolive27 Hey Alive, thanks for your honest post. What do you feel prevents the positive ways from working, and have you thought of other ways of coping that may work for you? Would you say you draw on the positive ways of coping enough and practise these, or would you say you fall into perhaps not trying enough some days to make it work?
Im sorry that for you, hockey seems to be a trigger. How did you try to manage the upset that it caused for you? Were you able to identify what the trigger was? I hope things have eased a bit for you since.
@dancingRainbow45
I have tried to use the positive ways but they have a lot of difficulty defeating the anxiety. The positive ways of coping arent as effective, i dont know why ... some days i do just fail to try, when things feel too hard to do anything at all i just go to the bad ways. the good ways are also really a struggle to make them work because i cannot yet do many of them alone and i am more or less alone almost all the time.
the trigger i think was being in contact with other poeple and that because i had a bad day, the gear and stuff was really difficult and yah, i didnt handle being upset well, i thought i was pas hockey being a problem and i guess im not :( im supposed to play again this season but now im worried i shouldnt again
@dancingRainbow45
What are your thoughts around your own healing process? Would you say your expectations are realistic or do you find yourselves getting impatient and angry? When someone says the words healing from trauma, what does it mean for you?
that the healing process from the traumas have been going very slowly, i think i find myself getting impatient and angry from wanting to heal faster than its been happening. to me it means to heal from what we have gone though in our past. work though all the flashbacks and nightmares.
@Autismaunt14 Hey Autis
Im sorry to hear that you get frustrated and angry at yourself for wanting the healing process to perhaps be faster than what you currently feel its at, but healing happens in its own time, at its own pace, and for the right reasons. I can appreciate wanting it to be over and done with, or for things to work quicker than it may be doing, but don't push yourself, because if you try and rush through the process, you may find that things come back in the future, that never had the right amount of time to be dealt with. Many of you carry around the impact of trauma for a long time before receiving help, and its going to take time to heal
@dancingRainbow45
thank you rainbow for your very kind words they were very helpful thanks
@Autismaunt14 Your always welcome, hope your day is going okay for you today
@dancingRainbow45
so far thanks for asking :)
@Autismaunt14 Glad to hear it :)
I often find myself asking why it is taking so long. I hate that after what feels like forever I still cant sleep through the night, I am still afraid to sleep, I still use more negative coping then positive when things are at their worst. I get angry that I cant get good enough at good coping to use it when I need it. I get angry at myself when i cant talk about it, when i cant tell anyone whats in my head, i get so angry that i dont have words for what happened. I dont know what to do with the anger, i never had that before about three or four months ago ... never got angry now it pops up and i dont know how to handle it and i hate that feeling, makes me even more scared of my own mind.
I get so frustrated that i cant feel safe, even in my own home no one else around, i still remember and so i am never truely safe. Id just like to feel safe so i could think straight again, sleep again, be with friends and not wonder when they will leave me too.
Healing means dealing with stuff no one should have too.
@learntolive27 Hey Alive, you are right, healing does mean having to face and deal with things no one should have to. Its quite sad when said like that but unless we deal with it, whatever traumatic experiences someone has gone through will affect their lives in so many ways. But lots of positives can come from healing, and you can grow and choose to become the person you wish to be, gaining insight and awareness, self esteem. self confidence etc Try and not be angry at yourself, what you are going through is natural, and perfectly normal. Its one stage of the healing journey but giving yourself a hard time only makes the fight get harder. All the coping mechanisms to cope with sleeping, managing triggers, coping with feelings, dont always work each time and takes a lot of practise to draw upon them when you need. Sometimes you will find it easier to pull on new coping techniques and other times you may find it harder. But the more you practise these outside the times when you most need them, the easier you may find it to use these over time. The thing with people leaving, is that people do move on in life, it happens and some friends will stick by you but others will move on as their life changes direction but it doesnt mean they dont care. The sad thing is in life there are no guarantees of safety as there isnt of no one ever leaving. I guess part of healing is learning to cope with changes such as this which doesnt leave you feeling devastated should it happen :)