Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Sunday 2nd July 2017
Good afternoon folks 
Well its a lovely day here in the UK. Ive spent the morning with friends, gardening, and walking the dog, enjoying the sunshine while I was at it.
I have another quote for you, as you know I love my quotes!!!!! 
"Dealing with the source of any self-esteem issues is critical to challenging the way you value yourself and speak to yourself." Rachel Robins
How do you feel about your self esteem? Do you have the inner critic who tells you negative things about yourself, about others and about the world around you? What do you do to challenge the negative critic? How do you feel you could begin to work on your self esteem? What positive messages are you able to give you yourself?
This space is yours, is safe to share with others, whether your having a bad day, good day or inbetween day. Healing is tough work, be proud of what you are achieving for yourself, Show kindness to yourselves and reach out for support when you need it. smiley
To add/remove your name from the daily checkin tag list, please click here
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai @sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch @KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR @BradyChay2310 @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine @guyb @chayil @Sharkradio @MKjart @AnnaKateMillerLCSW @Tamba @Celestialvoid @WaterLily16 @TheAsh @MKJart @Asiam1971 @philosophicalship9444 @Chayil @rumplesteeleskin @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @themainjane @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @singercrystalspirit @Amandisa16 @Kassidywillsupportyou @aestheticutey @firebolt110 @RumpleSteeleSkin @rozie
How do you feel about your self esteem?
Even though I've struggled with self esteem my entire life (to put it mildly) it's a work in progress. 'Work' being the key word.
Do you have the inner critic who tells you negative things about yourself, about others and about the world around you?
Yup.
What do you do to challenge the negative critic?
Affirmation, mindfulness, positive self talk. Again, work in progress.
How do you feel you could begin to work on your self esteem?
Already have (see above ;))
What positive messages are you able to give you yourself?
That I'm trying. That moments pass, it's ok to not be ok, etc. That despite it all I have inherent value and worth as a human being.
And now that we've gotten the deep, painful introspection part of the check in out of the way, I had a great time playing with my daughter this morning, went to the market and the grocery store, and even stopped at a holiday festival downtown for a bit. I spent more time out of the house this morning than I have in the last two weeks combined lol. So go me. 😀😎
Take that, trauma symptoms. Now, back to the blanket fort. Because I am POOPED. ⛺🍫😸
@melliotm
Yay Melli! Well done!!! And a nice retreat sounds like the perfect way to round out the day.
@melliotm I love this post. Despite all the times you feel low, despite all the times when you struggle your still able to pull some positives out of the bag and share those here with everyone, including about affirmations and mindfulness. You are trying for sure, and your hanging in there. Trying is better than not trying, struggling is better than not trying at all, and fighting onwards despite everything just shows the kind of warrior you are :) You can only do the very best you can to keep working on your self esteem and each step forward is another point to you
Family outing to the horse races. I'll post a real update later 😎
@dancingRainbow45
I like some quot that saes whatever you been true can heal complitly... not sure how exactly goes... I am anoyed by ppl saying that can't.Trying to have faith, guess going slow.. Just go by flow and listen to my guts. Still feel too much insecure.
@conscientiousPineapple1782 its okay to feel insecure sometimes Pineapple and what I like though is how your trying to listen to your gut instinct more as 9/10 its correct. Its not always easy as a trauma survivor to listen and to trust your gut instincts, but its worth sticking at trying to work on it, and its okay too to take your time and do things at a pace that feel rights for you :)
@conscientiousPineapple1782
You seem so sweet and introspective. I think maybe people have tried to make you doubt yourself? But like me part of you says but I can't be wrong just to exist? Just to want what is common to all humankind? (If so, I've been there and I think many of us have). Forgive me if I'm only projecting myself and these are not your thoughts.
But I really like the way you get to the heart of the problem sometimes. I've seen it in your words and your words make me think.
I think Rainbow is right. You and you alone have a unique perspective on your own life, thoughts and emotions. I hope you continue to share here.
How do you feel about your self esteem? My self-esteem is at an all-time low right now. Infact, I believe it's altogether gone. It has always been low, and I've worked hard over the years in therapy to build it up incrementally, but when my whole world fell apart three years ago, and I lost everything, my self-esteem nose-dived downward farther and farther downward as time has progressed.
Do you have the inner critic who tells you negative things about yourself, about others and about the world around you? I most definitely have a constant stream of self-esteem crushing dialogs going on in my head. For me, the term, "inner critic," doesn't quite fit because of the never-ending poisinous message darts that are thrown at me day and night. I think the term, "diabolical slanderer" better represents the annihilation that goes on in my head, and the self-esteem reckage that is left behind. For me, not only do I tell myself hurtful self-loathing things, but I also feed into my existing misbeliefs related to hurtful comments and criticisms that others have said to me. My parents have been dead for many years, and I have had no contact with my sisters for several years, however...the hateful, mean-spirited, derogatory comments that they all hurled at me, and pounded into my head. for so many years while I was growing up, constantly play over and over and over again in my mind.
What do you do to challenge the negative critic? I try to recall positive things others have said to, or about me, and also try to dispute the negative messages/thoughts with truthful factual evidence.
How do you feel you could begin to work on your self esteem? I can make a more concerted effort to do little things to give my mood and feelings about myself a boost, and to help counter my negative thoughts. Some examples of things I tried in the past (and could do presently) are: getting my hair cut and styled, wearing clean clothes that I feel good in, completing small projects I've put off working on and finishing, staying on top of my bills, & staying within my monthly budget, searching for, and applying for a better job, eating healthier foods, walking or biking to work for more exercise, stoping myself when I feel like engaging in self-harmful behaviors.
What positive messages are you able to give to yourself? I can tell myself things like, "Given your circumstances, you are doing the best you can." But often when I attempt to tell myself this, or other positive messages, I know in my heart and mind that I don't believe those (+) messages. So I'm at a loss at how to make this tactic actually, and authentically work for me.
@caterpillargirl
"given your circumstances you're doing the best you can" is a tricky one, isn't it?
Seems to lead to either: I AM doing the best I can. I'd like to see someone else try this.
or: Am I REALLY doing the best I can or is this a cop-out I try to get myself to believe?
Please don't forget how special you are. You are a woman alone carving out a meaningful life for yourself while simultaneously just trying to keep existing. That, my friend, is no small feat and takes tremendous character and fortitude.
@themainjane
Thanks for your truly empathetic & understanding reply, and for your insightful thoughts. I very much relate to what you shared about the tricky self-talk phrase, "I'm doing the best I can." I tend to play the devil's advocate when I tell myself I'm doing my best, and challenge that statement by saying "you could have tried harder, or pushed yourself to accomplish more, etc. It's a never ending battlefield...this mind of mine! Thanks for all your genuine interest in my life and well-being. It means a ton to me, and I greatly value you, your friendship, and your imput. We shall keep on keeping on together as we fight this battle for our freedom.
@caterpillargirl Hey Caterpillar. Its sad to hear that your self esteem is at an all time low. I hear how you had been working on this in therapy and had begun to rebuild this, but of how when you felt your world fell apart 3yrs ago, you feel its been lost as a result. I dont know everything that happened to you then, and when things do feel as if everythings gone wrong or everythings come crashing down around it, it can feel as though self esteem, self worth, self confidence etc has been wiped out. It can be really hard to begin rebuilding that when you have tried so hard previously. But I hope you can find the strength you need to bit by bit build that back up for yourself again with support, because you deserve to feel good about yourself after all you have gone through.
Challenging the "diabolical slanderer" must feel exhausting for you. It can be so hard when you have been put down, and condemned, criticised for years, to begin to unpick that and replace those misguided messages with positive ones. Sometimes it can help to step outside the situation, view the situation as an onlooker with an objective point of view to get a clearly perspective. Its very hurtful to people when others put them down and make them feel as bad about themselves as possible, very often this says more about them than it does about you but none the less, it doesnt sting any less. I hope in time you can begin to tell yourself, good messages about yourself. Its a long battle to get there, but its well worth it in the end.
One of the ways of counteracting all the negative beliefs you may hold about yourself is to do as your post mentioned. To hold onto what others around you say now, to hold onto all those messages of love, concern, positivity, and put up the factual evidence against the old ingrained messages that you were given previously.
It sounds as though you have been trying hard to build up how you feel about yourself, working on your self esteem with things such as getting your hair cut and styled, wearing clean clothes that make you feel good, setting small projects for yourself, and accomplishing them. Setting small goals for ourselves that are realistic often feel more obtainable than when we try and go after lots of things all at the same time. Managing household bills and budgeting can also help to reduce anxiety and worry for sure. What kind of job are you interested in Catarpillar? Looking after your physical health, whether this is getting more exercise or eating healthier, can often help to improve our emotional states. When we dont eat enough or not the right kind of foods, that can at times have an impact on our moods.
Given your circumstances, you did and are doing the best you can, and that is always enough. No one can do more than their best. Be proud of what you are doing, trying, fighting on, striving for what you want and where you wish to be. You may not totally believe those things now, but the more you say it, the more you see those steps you are taking, the closer you can come to really feeling it and accepting it within you.
@dancingRainbow45
Rain again another wonderful post that is gonna be in my daily thinking. Thanks
@RumpleSteeleSkin Your welcome
@dancingRainbow45
My self esteen isn't so bad anymore. The inner critic that acts like a ticker tape moving just below what's really happening in the present doesn't draw the excess attention from me anymore. Sure it still kicks up, but I've learned ways to check in with my self and flip the script to something more positive if it does. Being aware for me is more than half the battle. I'm happy with my progress.
@MKJart
You gotta share your tips to flipping the script, Mary. :)
I'm glad to know this and glad to have you here. I get a kick out of thinking there's a cave-diving, harp playing, Puebla art teacher out there.
... they DO exist and that is awesome. ☺️
@themainjane, @singercrystalspirit
LOL! When you put it that way, it does sound like a crazy, odd combination of quirkiness. :)
So how I flip the script and it takes a lot of practice. First you have to notice when that negetive ticker tape starts running, this is the hardest part. Once you notice, you can start challenging it. "Is this really true?" Find examples of where it most certainly is not true.
Example is "I am stupid"
Not really, I have a college degree or I graduated higheschool with a xxx GPA, I've been successful in business or I passed my test with an A or B etc. I can usually find at least one example for any negative talk that disputes it.
This is the practice part. Each time the inner critic comes up again. I say to it "I'm not sure that's true becase ..... (insert positive proof that refutes the critic). Eventually, each time the critic pops in, the counter critic knocks it out of the park before it can take hold.
I did a great deal of writing, figuring out why a critic comes up, digging deep to find my accomplishments...
I hope this helps and I look forward to hear how it goes.
Mary,
The cave-diving, harp playing, art teacher in Mexico's little pueblas :)
@MKJart
Yay - you made me mentally clap my hands because you owned it!
I'm going to try and catch at least one negative thought and squash it before the day is out.
@themainjane Oooh would love to have you share that Jane
@themainjane
Like a wack a mole game- Get em! You got this!
@MKJart
Thank you!!!!
Every night, part of my nightly routine is journaling 3 things I am proud of myself for that day. Hopefully this helps along these same lines?
I am thinking of editing this to make it 3 things I am proud of and/or 3 "credits" (things I did well / accomplished that day).
I am hoping this trains my mind to be ON THE LOOKOUT for things I do well and accomplish and feel proud of! And to start noticing them more naturally!
@singercrystalspirit
Awesome idea. How is it going? I may join you on this.
@MKJart
Thank you!!
I've taken a bit of a break from it, as I'm on a road trip from my brother, but generally speaking I do believe it truly helps! It helps the most when I can align my feelings to be in touch with the words my brain is thinking, rather than just listing thoughts. Does that make sense?
@singercrystalspirit
Absolutely understand. I'm glad it's helping. Did you decide to stay with the therapist you met? You have to really take your time in deciding.
@MKJart
Thanks :) I'm not sure. Some of her exercises seem like they might be helpful, but on the other hand, I think she is an evangelical Christian (I am not) and she has already brought up her beliefs twice... I asked her not to, but part of what I think causes my trauma is certain interpretations of Christianity... so I'm uncertain about it. I think it would be better for me to find someone who didn't share those beliefs, but I feel afraid I will not find anyone else, etc. Plus, she is a professional, so she ought to be able to treat me while leaving her faith out of it? I would think?
Thanks for checking in on me :)
@singercrystalspirit
I agree. It doesn''t sound like a situatuin that is kind to you.
@MKJart Wow, how did you do it? I trust my inner critic.
@MKJart Im really pleased for you MK and its so good to hear. It sounds like your certainly winning half the battle as your post describes, Well done you
There are new studies out showing that self-esteem can be negatively tied to traits like narcissism, and that it can be fragile. Self-compassion is linked to all of the positive effects of self-esteem, without the potential negative effects. So I am focusing on working on self-compassion, rather than self-esteem. Also, increasing self-compassion increases self-esteem (also without the potential negative effects).
That said, my self-esteem is super low. I basically feel like trash. I work for really wealthy people, and they treat me like I'm in a lower class than them, and I basically believe it. Why *don't* I have more money? It must be because I don't value myself. But I believe that only people who use others value themselves. I don't feel I can have enough for me without preventing others from having enough. That's the problem with self-esteem.
So I am going to try to focus on having compassion for myself today, instead of thinking about self-esteem. I am having a hard day, and I am having anxiety, and that's okay. I'm okay. I am worthy of love anyway. I have a really harsh judge and critic inside me who disagrees. The harsh judge and critic also thinks negatively about others and about the world around me. I don't know how to challenge this harsh judge and critic. I don't even know if I *want* to challenge it! It might be true! I'm pretty sure I'm in an abusive work situation right now, for going on three years. I don't know for sure though, and it really bothers me that I waffle back and forth and don't make up my mind one way or the other.
I don't want to give myself any positive messages... they seem like a cop out, like a consolation prize for a child who is losing at life. I don't want to be pitied - that's the last thing I want. I also don't want to be lied to, and positive messages feel like a lie. Life is really brutal, and that's the truth. It's hard to get along with others, and it's hard to feel a sense of belonging. Many people feel this way.
@singercrystalspirit
Maybe the positive messages aren't cop outs or prizes to be won. I understand what you mean very much! But reading what you wrote, made me think, maybe the positive messages are what we should have gotten a long time ago. Maybe parents are supposed to say good things, and do good things, and encourage good things, in their kids. Not bad things. Maybe the posivite messages we think now and try and give ourselves, is just saying what should have been said to us a long time ago? Like a very very very long over due hug. I ache for a hug and get scared of it at the same time. I don't know, maybe words are like that to?
@KLM3278
Maybe :) I get confused because I can't admit where my parents failed. I think if I could admit this, maybe I would begin to heal. But they don't admit it... and we're still close as a family...
Thank you for your reply.
@singercrystalspirit
That must be hard but nice? It's confusing for sure I think to. Hug!!!
@KLM3278
Yes you nailed it 😊😊 Hugs!!!!
@singercrystalspirit
You got me to thinking about this narcissism thing. I'm not sure if I understand healthy self esteem. I'm not sure if I really even understand the difference between self esteem and self compassion. I've tried to have a think on it but my mind is blocked.
But I did just want to say thank you for sharing this.
@themainjane
Hey! I learned the info from an edX course I just completed called The Science of Happiness from UC Berkeley.
Google "TED talk about self compassion from Kristin Neff" for a summary of what I learned.
@singercrystalspirit
Ok, thanks! I'll check it out
How do you feel about your self esteem?
I think I have my good days, and I have my bad days. Some days are really good, some days are really bad, and some days are a bit of a mix. But I think it's at least more of a mix now than it was before.
Do you have the inner critic who tells you negative things about yourself, about others and about the world around you?
Yes. Yes I do. He's an evil little b*******. And it is a "he", because it's all just internalized negativity that came from others...and by "others"...well...yeah.
What do you do to challenge the negative critic?
If you've seen the movie Trolls, there's a song when Poppy starts out on her journey through the forest to get to the Bergens and save her friends. The whole song is a great message, but there's one part where she sings, "What if it's all a big mistake? What if it's more than I can take? No! I can't think that way, cuz I know, that I'm really really really gonna be okay!" and then it goes into the chorus, "Hey! I'm not giving up today! There's nothing getting in my way! And if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again! Oh, if something goes a little wrong, well you can go ahead and bring it on, cuz if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again",and I've kinda added this song into the playlist I listen to every day because I needed to make a playlist of songs like this. Soooo...that's pretty much what I do when I get nasty negative thoughts in my head. Actually, right now that's literally what I do, I sing that part of the song in my head starting with the "No! I can't think that way".
How do you feel you could begin to work on your self esteem?
Challenging negative thoughts is a start?
What positive messages are you able to give you yourself?
I'm not stupid, I'm actually incredibly smart and I know far too many seemingly useless facts that I'm able to pull out when someone brings up the relevant subject and then they're like, "How do you KNOW that???". I'm not useless. I'm not fat. I am loved. I am not doing "nothing" with my life..I have a job that helps dying people, I sponsor three little girls, and I donate more money at Christmas time than I sometimes realize until much later when I'm sitting there wondering how I even had that much to give in the first place. I am appreciated by my employers and coworkers. I didn't deserve the horrible things that have happened to me.
edited by dancingRainbow45 on 03/07/2017 edited a word that needs ****
@BeeLeigh Hey Bee, love your post Thanks for sharing this with everyone.
I think its important sometimes for those working through traumatic experiences to have an acceptance, that through the healing process as you have said, there will be good days, bad days and some really rotten days. Healing isnt linear, there will be ups and downs and lots of bumps along the way. Perhaps when you started working on your issues you had more bad days than perhaps you do now? Overtime what is hoped is that the bad days get less or less intense and the good days become more.
The inner critic, I had to smile at the way you described it but your so right, many times the inner critic is an amalgumation of all those people in the past (and present sometimes) that do nothing but feed us with negativity and put downs and criticism. I hope for you your able to silence that inner critic over time, and to shout very loudly back, that he's talking a lot of garbage!!!.
I love, what you put - "Hey! I'm not giving up today! There's nothing getting in my way! And if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again! Oh, if something goes a little wrong, well you can go ahead and bring it on, cuz if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again", I love the idea too of developing a song list, that you can play each day to tell yourself that you do not accept or want to listen to those nasty messages. And you have given me a great idea for the forum!!! So watch this space!!!! hehe
You are not stupid, you are smart, you are not useless, you are a working professional who is good at their job, you care about others, you are there for people until the end, sitting with them until their time has come where they leave this world, and thats not a job many people could do. You should be so proud of yourself. You are compassionate, empathetic, caring and so giving. You are not all those things others made you feel about yourself, to make you feel bad about yourself. You are infact the very opposite and are proving that each and every day 
@dancingRainbow45
I didn't ignore this. I promise I saw it. I just don't know how to respond to it, because I don't know how to respond when people say nice things about me. But thank you ❤️
@BeeLeigh Hey no worries, dont ever feel pressured to respond. You respond if you wish to. Yeah I know it can feel really uncomfortable when people give you compliments or say nice things to you, but perhaps thats because your so used to hearing the negatives, and because people in your past have given you little to feel good about.
Big day today. Feeling very anxious and nervous. I'm breathing slow and trying to calm down. I think that I'm going to choose to believe in me today! I am enough. I deserve to try and go for dreams. If I don't get them its ok. It's the trying that maybe is most important. But HARD! So very hard, but I'm okay! I'm trying and that is all I can control!!
@KLM3278 You do the very best you can, believe in you, have some fun enjoying the moment, a few deep breaths and you can do this and get there. I guess in any walk of life, and especially in music and drama auditions, there are knock backs but sometimes even those knock backs teach us a thing or two about ourselves :)
@dancingRainbow45
Thsnk you!