Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Thursday 27th July 2017
Grreetings to you all!
Hoping that the dawn of a new day brings fresh hope with it. And most all that you have a TON of Courage there with you.. you're going to need it!. As Mark Twain said "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."
Recently when an old fear arose in a situation, I thought surely after all these years, it wouldn't affect me like this.It was once a paralysing fear that stopped any action at all... but gradually inch by inch it had been confronted and seemingly overcome. But it was there again, So once again find the resources,find the courage,,and face in to it. Only then was it possible to act in the way that a capable adult would. Got me thinking about Courage.. the courage it takes every day, the courage to seek for help, the courage to remember,the courage to look fear in the face,the courage to go on in confronting PTSD.
As has been written : "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'i'll try again tomorrow."
Inviting you to share something about courage,, the courage you know in your own experience, the courage you have witnessed in others., the courage you wish you had. Or about your day, how is it going, how could we support you? Or just pop in to say Hi! This is your space and a safe place. Be encouraged.. you have more courage than you may ever know.
@rozie
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@rozie
For me, just thinking about my trauma takes a lot of courage. A recent event where I showed immense courage, is when I opened up and actually talked about my childhood physical and emotional abuse to a couple people who I trust. They were really supportive. It was definelty news to them, as I hide my emotions and pain under smiles and "I'm okay"s, but they were emotionally predictable, which is very very good for me. I like to be in control of peoples emotions. I'm very very good at predicting emotions and reading emotions, a skill I picked up in my childhood years. They actually cried which helped me a lot. When I talk about it I always cry because it floods a lot of memories I do not want to relive, and when people don't cry or show any emotions, it hurts me. It makes me feel like I'm alone. That it's just me being overreactive. That I deserved it. Watching them finally understand why I'm so broken and damaged and realize I'm hurting really deeply inside and they didn't even care to notice; it felt good. To have somebody finally see my pain. I cannot put my childhood into words. Its unexplainable, the pain and trauma I've been through. But when you find those rare people that don't need words, that look into your eyes instead to see the pain and hurt inside, it feels good :)
@SemicolonSurvivor
I TOTALLY understand. Big *hugs* to you 😊
@SemicolonSurvivor
Wow thank you for ur share.. it put it so beautifully.. I'm just finding my voice .. I've finally found a therapist who believes me just starting days.. but I've never confided .. in someone else just my hubby but in bits .. some days I don't even believe myself anymore... But .. sorry I'm blabbering . But thank you fro ur share again
@energeticPenny8
Awwe thank you so much! I havent told them everything (my experiences cannot be described. Words cannot even begin to justify what I've been through) But it really helps for them to just sit there and look at me- really look at me- without the mask in the way. I'm really glad you found your voice, even if it's a little timid still (mine is too :) <3 ) but keep going okay? Don't close yourself off now. You deserve to have all the help and support in the world :)
@SemicolonSurvivor
What alot of courage that would take! So happy for you that these people were able to hear you, to cry with you, and as you said to look itnto your eyes and see the hurt and pain. They have been witness to your story.
@rozie
Courage needs to factor into my life in greater proportions.
That song by linkin park (probably the only one of theirs I know) comes to mind.
something like: " I'll face myself. I'll start again. Forgiving what I've done." "Let mercy come and wash away what I've done."
I want to have the courage to face myself, my fears. I want to forgive myself and others. I want to free myself of these things. I think it is taking time. But I also think it is possible.
I'm beginning to tell myself sometimes that every time I approach the front door, turn the knob and open the door is a victory. That first step through the door is a victory. The steps that follow taking me down the stairs - a great victory. And when I make it outside of this comfort zone I should not shudder in defeat and in thoughts of self hate and self blame but instead acknowledge the challenge and the strength in myself for facing my fears.
I have to remind myself I'm not hurting anyone simply for existing. And I have to convince myself that I shouldn't have to apologize for my existence however subpar I may find it to be in my mind.
Afterall, I am grateful for this life and the opportunity to live it. I should honor it. There are those living out lives that resemble nightmares. I do not honor them or their struggle when I do not honor my own life and all its gifts.
@themainjane
Love the way you mark each victory and then the great victory! Each of those steps deserves to be marked.. each is a step in the right direction. And takes courage.. and in time I think you will have the courage to face fears. its likely to be little by little, but the belief that's its possible will encourage you to keep going on this journey
@rozie
I haven't responded in a very timely manner but I did want to thank you for your comments. I hope you are well.
@themainjane
I've been crying every time a Linkin Park song comes on my mix.... have you? I've loved that band since high school.
@singercrystalspirit
Me too :)
@MKJart @singercrystalspirit me three. Can't bear to hear any of Hybrid Theory tho. Too close to home. Hugs all
@singercrystalspirit
Umm, I'm a bit older than you and also don't listen to much radio. But I do recall hearing that song. Even when it came out it struck a chord in me.
It's sad to hear of some of the challenges and tragedies he faced. And it's so very sad that he felt he couldn't continue. Addiction, depression, abuse, hope lost - all very dangerous.
@themainjane
You're moving in the right direction Amiga
@MKJart
Mary, that means a lot to me. Thank you. <3
@themainjane
Those words of that song perfectly describe my mind at the moment..
Today I am feeling sleepy, but not too anxious or sad, which is good. I just wish I were feeling a bit more productive, but baby steps? Maybe instead of trying to tackle the entire cleaning room thing, I could just work on straightening up one corner.
@Behindhazeleyes
That takes courage to take the small steps.
Wow.... I wish I had courage. Why, and exactly when, did I decide that fear was an important, valuable voice to be listened to? That fear was my wise master? What happened? Why and exactly when did I turn into a coward? I feel I cannot properly reverse it unless I understand when and why.
My greatest fear all my life has been that I was really a coward.
@singercrystalspirit
Oh, but you underestimate yourself. Just being here and exloring the darkness is courageous.
@singercrystalspirit The amazing (and courageous) @agreeableKite4304 posted this to you on yesterday's check in thread and I think it's important to post again here (and is something we all need to do, myself most definitely included):
take a deep breathe and blow out the yucky feelings - do it 3 times
Now stand up tall and go look in the mirror - and repeat after me:
1/ I am fabulous and Brave for taking a chance to do something different and to make a better life for myself
2/ I am Brave for driving and doing a road trip on my own (mostly) and being Brave enough to put myself out there to be open to new experiences
3/ I am reslient and this stormy feeling will pass and I will be ok because I am strong
4/ I am loved and I have have the capacity to be loved and I will allow a space to be loved because I am worth it.
5/ Last on - I will lean on my friends here and I will rest and be kind to myself because this is tuff and scary so I will reach out and I know they will be there because they are my friends
I need some courage to not freak out on this flight with all the turbulence we've had 😬🙈
@BeeLeigh
Good luck Bee. Hope it isn't too bad.
@MKJart
Thanks Mary! We made it back alright and we're in the limo on our way home!! 😁
@BeeLeigh
Good to hear. Wow, limo ride, luxurious :)
@MKJart
Eh, it's cheaper to have a limo drop us off and pick us up than it is to park a car at O'Hare for two weeks 🤷🏼♀️
@BeeLeigh
No joke. When I was active duty still I would park my car at the nearest military base and take a cab to the airport.
@MKJart
Yeah, it's way too expensive, and we live like, well, my gramma lives about 45mins from O'Hare, and me and my brother live in Indiana, so we drove over to her house and then the limo picked us up, and then today we drove back after we got dropped off, and I'm aware this is one giant run on sentence but I don't even care cuz I am so fricken tired and I just finally made it home!!! 🙃🙌🏻💻🛌
Thanks for all you forum support do here!
@HearingYourHeart
Thank you!!
@rozie
@rozie
I witness the courage of others on this Trauma Subcommunity everyday.
"Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway" Robert Anthony
I love this quote because it illustrates perfectly what moving through life with PTSD or C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, panic, nightmares, flashbacks, fears of fears and more.
I give everyone here a huge round of applause and I thank you for keeping me motivated to move forward.
Thanks a million,
Mary
@MKJart
Yea I love this quote too Mary! Said in a few wrods its the essence of this. Thank you for sharing it with us. x
Fantastic post, @rozie 😁
I agree with Mary -- everyone (and I do mean everyone, especially those who seek sanctuary with me inside a blanket fort every now and then, @TreesandWine) in our community is courageous and inspiring. There's no cowardice in struggle after traumatic moral injury. Resilience isn't negated because we still feel pain -- especially when that oftentimes debilitating message is unduly distorted and displaced by the very nature of our injuries.
To admit a need for support and compassionate solidarity and seeking it out shows great strength, a desire to keep going despite how much it hurts sometimes. It takes guts. Which is something I need to remind myself of quite often.
I have to face my ED and I can't do it. I'm pretty sure that does not make me courageous. I can't even talk to my therapist this week because I don't want to deal with it. Avoid avoid avoid. Meh!
