Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Thursday 7th June 2018
Hey all I hope you are all having a wonderful week just remember we are one day off from the weekend so not too long to push before rest! In today's post I want to focus on how PTSD can affect relationships, I was motivated to look into this topic because it just has a special place with my heart because this is somethign that I had and sometimes still do have major issues with.
An article I found one thign that really jumped out at me was when it talked about how the loved ones might react because as much as I know it's horrible to experience trauma it's still going to impact those around you when they find out and sometimes it is hard to keep that in mind.
Partners, friends, or family members may feel hurt, cut off, or down because the survivor has not been able to get over the trauma. Loved ones may become angry or distant toward the survivor. They may feel pressured, tense, and controlled. The survivor's symptoms can make a loved one feel like he or she is living in a war zone or in constant threat of danger. Living with someone who has PTSD can sometimes lead the partner to have some of the same feelings of having been through trauma.
In sum, a person who goes through a trauma may have certain common reactions. These reactions affect the people around the survivor. Family, friends, and others then react to how the survivor is behaving. This in turn comes back to affect the person who went through the trauma
that is the extract talking about how loved ones might react, you can read the full article by clicking here. I really do reccomned checking it out it's really interesting and it is better to do research on PTSD especially if you are dealign with it because understanding and having a wide knowledge on it could really help you when fighting it. PTSD does really put a strain on relationships and as hard as it is the one thing I learned with experience and talking to my therapist is being open about your feelings and thoughts even if it's admitting you do have trust issues to them and setting boundaries, it isn't being selfish it's just helping yourself get better and if your partner turns their back on you then I'm sorry to say they aren't the right one for you.
I did look for victims stories I just couldn't find any sorry
This is a safe space to share your thoughts you won't be judged for anything you say, *HUGE KASS HUGS FOR ALL*
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I think what you described re ptsd and relationships is all very true.
definutely have severe ptsd...have healed a great deal....and came to another level...that opened up after i decided to go No Contact.
Anyeay....telling the tale doesnt mayter anymore.
I'm cuyying and pasting so.ething i posyed yo the BPD subcomm earluer this evening. I had never been there...and uy's silly...but i thought i needed to say something.
I've been on this site twice. I feel like yhere were wayd it helped me initially...until the yimes i completely fell apart. I'm not saying i behaved perfectly. I probably didnt.
Anyway....i have to leave this site. Even if it's an illusion, i need to believe i am a good person worth keeping; that my wounds and reactions to those wounds do not warrant turning away from me. Nor forgetting all the good that i have given and still have to offer. If I stay here it only reinforces ....that i am no one's cup of tea.
Here's what I posted elsewhere:
"I dont know whether i have BPD or not. When you call it c-ptsd and look at all the symptoms...it sure seems to be a match. It's scary though....because if one finds oneself in that camp....there really isnt alot of empathy...it's more like we ourselves are a monster to be avoided at all costs.
Anyway...i tried to find support here at 7 Cups (thought not in this subcomm)...and I did for awhile...until i opened up about the scary stuff...and expressed myself...VERY INTENSELY...and then i got dropped. Also shamed. And just basically treated like i have the plague. Even if kindly done (and by some it was and by others It wasnt)....it felt awful... Anf i felt so anxious...like i'll never be liked unless i hide everythg but what people want to hear. No I wasnt perfect about it. Yes i was at times extreme.
" I went NC 6 mos ago towards the family member who has been my past abuser (decades) and is still verbally abusive and mentally manipulative. But it doesnt solve the rest of it. I have good days here and there...where i start to believe there's a place for me...that i might be okay just as i am. And then...i'm shown otherwise. And i know i'm not EVER supposed to admit how that hurts nor ask people to explain ...they just leave faster.
"I dont know how to survive anymore. My abuser is popular successful loved. There'll never be any support for me from others related to him. It just backlashes onto me and makes me look (and feel) more unstable.
"My own faith in myself; my resilience seems to finally have run out. And leaning on oyhers...espec if more than once...it's always too much for thrm. It alienates them.
"I am on the brink of losing my home, my job my sanity. There is no safety net. No external support of my own. I hoped to find community here...empathy...but...didnt. guess that's on me too.
Anyway not sure why i came here to say this. It looks like this thread won't be checked till next week. And I can't stay. You cant make people care. And this site has finished teaching me: it's wrong to look for help. It's wrong to tell the truth. It's wrong to ask for empathy and support. People here and there talk about wanting to help keep people from committing suicide or cutting. I've never attempted either of those things. And just...can't.
But on days like today..I ...wish I were that brave"
@OPinyon
I know you don't know me and have no reason to believe me. I too came to this site looking for empathy and compassion. It took many tries to find the right listener or listener's. I too have been abandoned by some on this site and shamed for speaking the truth by some. I will say if you stay hopefully you can find those that really do care like I did. I care about you as a person and you are not alone. My abuser is well liked in the community and I have never shared my story except on here. I hope you continue to reach out even if it's not on here. I also understand having no support on the outside. I will be here if you would like to talk. Take care of yourself.
@RedHawk6547 Thank you Hawk. So kind of you. ...the imprrssion i have is just that i'm yoo much... or too broken....one person called me hopeless... I really have made alot of progress..... but sharing the messy side...and i dont alwsys do it well...i have gone yhrough trying to tear myself done in front of someone...and realuzed layer it was a knee jerk ayyempt to feel safe...and i always got in trouvle for ...shining.... (in the original scenario). But this...was in front of someone who was helping me some...we seemed to like...at least some of my other qualiites....and it was too much for them...they not only left ....they made clear their bad opinion of me.
So I've learned here ...that I'm poison. Even though i've seen other people meltdown here and be surrounded with suppoet. I dont begrudge them that.
I'm just tired. I want to have faith...but i dont. And that's such a huge drop and demoralizing thing to claim and own. I came so far. I truly did.
And i learned here...i'm not worth staying with. They all wish me well....someplace ELSE. i learned here that i am repellant. I hate knowing that.
I've got to at least get my center back ...as a hermit and solitary....otherwise i'll lose the little i have.
It sucks that i have beought myzelf to such a constricted existence. I have always believed that we were/all connected. And that love and compassion would always win through. In facr that's some of how i came to stay easily 2 decades longer than i "should" have....i love that peraon...i could see their own fear and grief and pain beneath all the abuse and gaslighting...i turned away from my own life ...to stay connected to them. I DID THAT.
Anyway I'm sure the folks here are fine. Theu've juat held up a mirror to me. And raught me...i am not worthwhile. And sas to say...after all this time holding out against that assessment. I finally believe it.
I've got to salvage something. Even if it's a mask I wear for the rest of my life. If i stay here i wont get any help with that.
@OPinyon
You are worthwhile. I do wish you well here or elsewhere. I used to think I was better alone but like you said we are made for connections. I will support you in any way I can. I understand if you do decide to leave but please also know that someone does care and that you are worthwhile. You deserve support too. Safe hugs if you want them.
@RedHawk6547
Are you here this evening?
@OPinyon
I'm here
@RedHawk6547
Soery i missed you
@OPinyon
I'm here if you need to talk.
@RedHawk6547 Thank you. I havent been here. Hope you are doing okay. 🌲🦅
@OPinyon
I've had better days. It will be okay though. How are you doing?
@RedHawk6547 A safe hug for you!💝 Wish you could have gone walking in the cool mist last night and been delighted in caribou tracks and cranes.
@OPinyon
That sounds like a nice time. I messed up last night and hurt someone I care about. I just have some old issues coming back up. I thought I had dealt with them. I was wrong.
@RedHawk6547 Oh no! A HUGE hug for you! Can I help?
@RedHawk6547 I think it comes in waves...and spirals....this healing. Like washing a bloodstain from a cloth. Wash rinse wash rinse repeat repeat repeat.
@RedHawk6547 And ...it's horrific...when we see what looks similar to that which wounded us. It's ...shocking. (i'm not casting this on or at you....just something i've been mulling over).
But i'm talking instead of listening. Tell me more if you like. I'm here. I see you ALL of you...and receive this HUG💝
@OPinyon
I let a situation get out of control. I thought I could handle it but the past came back at the wrong time. I ended up hurting one of the few people who cares about me. Thanks for the hug. I sure could use one now. I'm trying to fix it but I'm afraid I'll just make it worse.
@RedHawk6547 I'm making coffee....back in a tick. Want some?😀
@RedHawk6547 I'll post to bottom of page now. So you can find me more easily.
Sorry for the rant.
Just...acknowledging.
No more gas.
Cant makr it run.
Just...cant see a way forward. Tired of begging. Tired of exposing myself and making a fool of myself.
Tired done toxic poison failed unpalatable...done
@OPinyon
I sorry too. I'm new to this support side of it. Usually I just come on here and spew my problems. When I read what you wrote it reminded me so much of me. I felt like I had to reach out. For so long I had given up and hid and thought I was too far gone to be helped too broken to be fixed. I'm not healed yet don't get me wrong but I'm trying. I get being tired and feeling empty. Just don't give up on everyone here. I won't give up on you.
@RedHawk6547 Thank you. It is amaxing of you to reach out like this. Truly.
@OPinyon
Do you like poetry? I think I would like to share one with you if you do.
@RedHawk6547 I love poetry💖💓💥. Also please tell me something i cpuld give you to make you smile/feel good.
@OPinyon
Yoi talking with me is what makes me feel good. The poem is dark is that ok or would you like a more uplifting one? I think if I post it to my feed you can read it there.
@RedHawk6547
I think...
I'll just be sand for awhile.
No purpose
except to "be"
Let the clams find homes in me
let the waves wash over me
let driftwood
come to rest
Let there be footprints-
soon washed away.
Let there be seasons and tides
and rain.
Let me be different...
consistencies.
Let there be ice and fog
and sun.
I'll be there for it ALL--
integral; a piece..
essential...
but not the whole.
A piece and AT peace
with the sand that I am;
whether I make something ELSE of it,
or not.
Perhaps,
I'm not meant
for HUMAN consumption
Perhaps it's enough
that the wild things
love me
and accept me
just as I am.
~OPinyon (nom de plume)
22 April 2018 #3
@RedHawk6547 I posted another to myy feed
@OPinyon
I have one more to share but it has a trigger warning so just let me know if you would like to read it. I will delete it after you read it so please don't repost. Thank you.
@RedHawk6547
Oh okay. Promise not to repost
Going to ypur Feed now.
@RedHawk6547
Thank you!💥💖💝
Left a message.
@OPinyon
Thank you. Good night. Will we be able to talk again?
@RedHawk6547 Maybe. I promisr i wont deactivate tonight. ....if i come back i'll find you. Kay? Good night. Thanks for being therr. And for sharimg part of yourself. It's huge.
@RedHawk6547
So...obviously i was on this "sand" kick on and off for awhile
Lol
@OPinyon
They were excellent poems. Thank you for sharing those with me.
@RedHawk6547
,💖💥 I like yours too. Very moving. Deephearted. Hope to read more.
@RedHawk6547 I knoe i'm...rrpeating myself...vut i reLly dont feel safe or cared avout here. It has become one more place where i feel i have to walk pn eggshells. Where i dpnt get to have an emotion unless the larger group approves. No mistakes.
And...it's messy this stuff....i do velieve it comes up and out...kind of like pus from a wound...ehich is ...a sign of healing..
.but i'm not packaging it in a way that's acceptable...or not done sppn enpugh...or somehow offending people when i claim how i feel...thry take it personally....
So why am i here why did i survive...if almost everywhere i turn...im not..i dpnt have anything anyone wants..??
I'm not talking abput codependency...its just...i think like ypu say..we want cpnndction...wr want a LITTLE validation of hpw we see ourselves. And yeah thr prople eho share and like pur favoritr stories of ourarlves...we tend to call friends
..and thos e wbo show us our less than favorites wr sometimes call adversaries.... i really dont intend to do that here....its....the indifference....its the...yeah we dont hsve any investment in whether ypure ok or not whether ypu stay or go...just dont touch us with ypur cooties
@OPinyon
Just to say you're welcome here... maybe choose to spend a little time with us. x
@rozie Thanks. I did. It didn't pan out unless i only shared positive.
Maybe Ill come back another time...depends...on outer life circumstance ...inner life.
Nice of you to touch base though
@rozie I dont fit here. Maybe when Im stronger. 🤷🙃🙂🤷🤔
@OPinyon
You do belong here with us. ❤ Safe hugs
@RedHawk6547 Thank you for hugs. I could use them. Hugs for you too, if you'd like them. 💝💝💝
Just...in a still place tonight. Had some emails from that person. 😒😞🤔
@RedHawk6547
💓
Apologies for the extreme typos.
Past traumas are resurfacing and still painful. Same dysfunctional family issues still persist.
@Lolowise475 That's so rough! Sending you good thoughts: healing thoughts, centering and care.
Thank you as I had many bad dreams just recently from trauma and family issues. I wanted to ask is centering the same as mindfulbessor are they different?@OPinyon
@Lolowise475 Hmm. Good question. I rhink they are related. Mindfulness.... is talked about alot nowafays....and one can find practices and advice on it as i'm sure you've found. The mindfulness tracks linked through 7 Cups are awesome.
In my oen mund and heart, in my own healing path.... i use the word Centering.... for coming home to my "true Self" ...recognizinf a certain "flow" and "rightness" and clarity and easy strength....that is innate to me. We each have it. We each oftrn have at least one moment....somewhere ...somewhen... when we felt completely in harmony ...capable... up for whatever was happening...present...totally confident in and trusting of ourselves and of being here. We RESONATE with that.
Centering..."rings that bell" if you will. Brings us "home". And there are countless ways ...tools...to help us get there....different prople may hsve their favorites that work for them.
And, it can be as simple as saying to o eself deep inside I already knoe ehat I need What is vest ans healthiest for me in this momrnt. What is it?
Sometimes juat a pause...and a deep breath...can bring us completely to Center.
We are.at our most creative...our most productive....our most positive...our most present self and state...when we are calm...centered....
That's my take on it. (Ehich is not to say I don't often get in my oen way 😉😄)
Does that help you? What are your thoughts? What works for you?
Some examples of what helps me :
to be in Nature
to be around animals
They both are so accepting...of anything and everything...there's no "wrong" way to show up.
They also each in their way expect...each creature to take care of itself....be able to adapt.
@Lolowise475
Possible trigger warning
Re your bad dreams: (espec d/t trauma)
The FIRST thing I immediately do, is thank my body and my self for wanting to keep me safe. (This reframes the fear or anxiety).
Then I ask myself, (that same self i have thanked for wanting me to be safe and aware): What would you like me to know or be aware of?
Next I ask: Is there something simplr I can do right now to be and feel healthy, capable and safe? What is it?
Then I thank myself for keeping myaelf safe. I thank myself for helping me.
And then I say I am safe. I am capable.
All of this with deep breaths as uf ypu are breathing...taking that oxgen and breath all the way down intp ypur tail bone.
It works. Takes you out of that terror-panic-helplessness loop. Brings you back to yourself. To Center.
Thank you very much for the clear explanation. Plan to follow those steps exactly the next time I need it. Thanks again.@OPinyon
@Lolowise475 You are most welcome! (It was a good thimg for me too).
One other thing i would share is:
if part of your trauma reaction pattern/"stay safe" reaction, yend towards withdrawal,
Then make sure you get up and immedatrly DO that one simple thing (that your inner self helped you find). Do it RIGHT AWAYA!
This puts all that energy to proactive and positive use. It also proves yo your body and trauma biochemistry that ypu ARE capable; and that you ARE ACTIVELY BEING healthy.
(Helps change the pattern over time).
@Lolowise475
You might end up xoming up with other "power phrases" beyond
I am safe
I am capable.
Fir example another one or more might be:
I have a right to be here
I have a right to my feelings (to respect, etc.)
I do know what's best for me...
Plug in as needed. You'll recognize the ones that bring you "home" and "clear" the fastest and the deepest. Use those first.
That is a great technique. Going to apply that also Last 2 days my sleep has been broken up from stress. Perfect time to try it. Thank you.@OPinyon
@Lolowise475 You're welcome!. Please keep me posted on how you're doing. ☺💓
So so but my third therapy session this week. When I couldn't sleep got to talk to others having a difficult time and that distract ed me from my own pain for awhile.@OPinyon
@OPinyon
Thank you for sharing this with us. I like how it brings you back to your competence.. that you are capable.. i think that is empowering. x
@RedHawk6547
Hi! Coffee? ☕🍵
@RedHawk6547
I'm here. 👂👂👂💝
@RedHawk6547
💓💝🦅
@RedHawk6547
Oh my Friend! How awful! More hugs ...safe long...soul-comforting. 💝💝💝
@OPinyon
Thank you. I guess I need to make sense of it in my head before I try and fix anything. Writing helps I may try that today. Hope you are doing well. I'm here for you too. ❤
@RedHawk6547 Hope you find some good wisdom, centering, clarity and peace in and through your Writing. That pause...that breath...that invitation...that leaning in towards Healing. Such a gift.
@RedHawk6547
Thank you for being there. It means alot. Working through something. I've visited it before.... and it rose up in a different way yesterday (after the emails)...but also with this sort of No Detour sign attached.
It doesnt get talked about alot here (not that I've seen). Anyway...it's percolating. I'd like to share it with you at some point. Might help us both.
That said, i have a challenging time knowing what to share here...because it tends to be a very reactive place (and yes, i've gone therr too). Not always the best place for turning over a tender idea or piece of healing. 🙃😒🤔
Thank you for your care. Know that you are a precious being. Yes even with whatever you have done. I hope you can gix things with your dear one and get stronger and healthier from this broken place. I believe in you!