Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 23rd January 2018
Good morning lovely trauma family!
And glad you're here with us today.Whether you're here to read what is written, to write something to share, or have a response to make to a post, you're all welcome. We are each at different places in our healing journey, but collectively we have a shared experience. And we can support and encourage, and be supported and encouraged.Words that are wriiten can sometimes be misunderstood,or trigger, and that can feel hurtful, but its not intentional. If we can have respect for each other, for differing opinions and ideas, we will be enriched in our community.
Many of us write, and enjoy what is written.Here is a poem from @CalmLake .
Ocean of Emotion
Like wave
Stuck in a terrible storm.
I drown beneath these emotions
Sinking deep in the pain.
The sadness and grief..
Constantly pulling.
But moments when I surface,
Brief sunlight in the storm,
One moment of peace..
Amongst the chaos.
A tranquility I yearn for..
If just for a moment,
Everything is fine..
One brief moment,
Of peace in my life.
I know(without a doubt)
I will survive this storm,
One day I will drown no more!!
Love your writing Calm and thank you for sharing this with us.
How is your day going? Have you something to share, a small victory ( each one counts) How can we support you today? Or pop in to say hi! Love to hear from you. This is your space and a safe place. x
.
@rozie Lovely poem.
@SpruceRaven
It is lovely, I would agree. Glad you checked in. Hope all is going well. Take care of you!
@KristenHR Thanks Kristen. Going well. Making good progress. WhWhichixh isn't to say therr's not more to do Lol😄😉
Hope all is well by you too.
My boyfriend's (13 years) best friend/brother in law attempted to rape me in 2015 after a night out with us and heavy drinking. At this point, he had been kicked out and preparing for a divorce from my boyfriends sister, he also had been drinking everyday, all day, and causing issues between me and my boyfriend. The night it happened was the first time I drank in over a year, I had just had a baby, vaginally, 3 week's prior and was in a very happy, talkative mood. My boyfriend had left to get food and I was starting to doze off on the couch, I was sort of blacking out because I can't remember it all but I remember him telling me he would be right back with food. As soon as I heard my front door shut, I felt someone pushing me down onto my couch and trying to take my pants off, I started screaming at the top of my lungs until he put his hand over my mouth so violently I was scared for my life. I remember kicking and trying to hit him in the face but nothing helped, I finally got my foot on his chest and kicked him off of me. I ran to my bedroom, in complete shock I could barely move or breathe. I didn't know how or what to tell my boyfriend. I finally got the word out and that's when my entire life shattered. Cops came, I went to the hospital, was in the e.r. for 5 hours before being released and went forward with pressing charges..
The night it happened, I had called my boyfriends sister, the guys wife, and told her and I was immediately called a liar and a slut. So in order to prove that I was not a liar, I put myself through hours of tests, my vagina being examined and poked at and photographed, and having to be restitched because I still had stitches from giving birth. After I got back home, I felt so alone, humiliated, and helpless. I dealt with being called a slut and being shamed by his family, but I was going forward in court. Then I was convinced by the prosecutor to let him plea down to a lesser charge to save face, I agreed because it had been 1 year and a half, i was ready for it to be over. He plead to "restraining me against my will with sexual motivation" and was sentenced to 2 years of probation. My pain was never healed. I'm still seen as a liar and a slut. My boyfriend was very careful at first and couldn't decide what to believe but after hours of talking, counselling, and witnessing my ptsd, he has stuck by me and tries to help me cope. This has been the worst years of my life. I now have 3 daughters and they keep me going most days but it's always in my head. I'm paranoid and have nightmares after 2.5 years! I believe if I would have had support immediately from the people who turned their backs on me, this entire experience would have been way different.
Sorry for the long story, there's a lot I had to leave out but I tried to make it as simple as I could.
@nikster7
To go through all these and further, share it with us takes a hell lot of courage and strength. #salute
@nikster7
I'm so sorry for what you've experienced and been through with the attempted rape and the lack of support. You are incredibly brave to have followed through on pressing charges and court and everything. I'm glad that you've been able to get support from your boyfriend through this. I would have been worried a ton that he wouldn't be there for me if that was my situation. I'm really glad he has been faithful to be there for you through all of this. I know the PTSD is horrible to deal with, and it's unfortunate that things didn't go differently where you might have been able to deal with all of this sooner or with less traumatic experiences with everyone.
I'm really glad you're here and that you have shared your experience.
@nikster7
Thanks for sharing with us. It sounds horrible but if you meet the challenge of ptsd with the same strength you showed to fight for yourself and to prove what happened at the time, then I know things will get steadily better for you even if it seems unending now. You shouldn't have to struggle like this but you are showing yourself to be wonderfully strong and impressive from the way you have met your challenges.
@rozie
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@melliotm
Thank you as always for posting the tag list. Hope you have a wonderful day/evening.
The terrified 9yr old girl that learned how to float away to escape the stepdad's rape... She stood as tall as she could at age 14, 5'1" and 90lbs and with all confidence in herself being worthy of protection, she laughed at her stepdad, "Can't do much with that little thing, can you?" She knew he hated her smart mouth and went down when he punched it. Imagine how enraged he was when she stood back up, dramatically (possessively) licking her blood, "You didn't TAKE that blood! I GAVE it to you!"
She buried her daddy at 19, her infant daughter at 21, her mother at 40, stepdad at 41. The son she raised is a fine soldier, he will be 27 in May. She loves her dog, her cat and she loves the one man on earth that she can truly respect as she shuts up if he says so. (But he's never said so) He loves both himself and her enough to NOT RESCUE HER FROM HER ABUSER.
(My Sweetheart and the abuser are two different people)
Neither one would respect themselves, never feel equal if he hamded her the victory she must win on her own.
I am the Queen Mother Warrior Goddess and I have never been afraid to fight. I'm now 49yrs old. The abuser has crippled my back & hips, I've lost hearing in my right ear. My smart mouth, sharp as ever - I use to disarm and distract so I can get a head start and hide if I can't escape.
I bide my time, squirreling away money, trying to not allow myself further injury, but I just CANNOT ALLOW this fool to think he can get away with me not saying something in my own defense! Yes, i enjoy using big words, I sprinkle the searing insults with ridicule. And you damn right I am not at all ashamed that i intentionally hit this Neanderthal below the belt! My aim is inflicting as much damage as I can ... I giggle like a little girl, when he starts crying. I can take a punch and I can render him limp. As evil as I sound, this has never existed anywhere else in my life. My stepdad taught me what cruelty was, I refused to allow it to be used against me anymore - I took it as my weapon! I certainly wasn't going to ever win a physical fight. I use what's available. I'm worth fighting for!
I get to see my sweetheart maybe 2-3 times/month. He's short, bald, toothless, cranky, crabby, broke as a (edited by KristenHR for profanity), and he melts my heart as I watch him make me real beef stroganoff with mushrooms he forged FOR ME! When he offers me the first bite with the biggest mushroom, he looks like a little boy, his blue eyes twinkling, I'm so grateful for this man! Tears fall and I know I deserve this.
I feel dissociated today. Like I'm just tired and can't wake up and don't want to. Everything looks/feels foggy and separate.
@Chiaroscuro1
Oh sorry to hear that your day started like this. Its not easy. Wondering if you have some grounding techniques that work for you. Just slowly orienting yourself to the present... using your senses.Thinking of you and hoping you are doing better now. x
@rozie
How is your day going? Have you something to share, a small victory ( each one counts) How can we support you today? Or pop in to say hi! Love to hear from you. This is your space and a safe place. x
It's ok...prusher my limits bit.
Yes went out of comfurt zone
Idk just cumfurt
hi 
/
@conscientiousPineapple1782
Well done! I'm proud of you for pushing your limits a bit and moving out of the comfort zone. It takes a lot of effort and energy to do this, so i hope you are looking after yourself with some good self care, and back in your safe comfort zone. x
Lovely poem :) Like it's written in all honesty and from the heart :)
Made my day reading this :)
@MayaCarino
Glad to hear the poem made your day and good to have you here with us too. x
@MayaCarino
Thank you Maya.. it all comes from my soul, written with complete honesty!! only way i am able to say what i can't physically say 
@CalmLake I love poetry, and yours is really really good. Thanks for sharing your words. I know it's hard for a lot of us, but you are a strong person. Hope you're doing okay today.
@Blinkk
Thanks blink.. I sometimes see the strength in my poems.. Today's not so good but reading the comments about it is uplifting 💖💖
@rozie
It takes a lot of courage to throw your writing out there, especially when it's so soulful. Good on calmLake! <3
Looks like a lot of people are writing today.
I don't really have much to say. My old friend e-mailed yesterday, that was kinda triggering. I'm still at a point where I can't open her e-mails. It's too sad for me. She's in a situation similar to mine but she completely lost herself to her abuser. Not sure what else to say...Thursday will be interesting. Two psych appointments, one is the other marriage counselor appointment. Have mixed feelings. I am a bit sick right now, but I wonder how much of that is sleep deprivation? Hope to get my health in order before my next block of school starts. Hope everyone else is doing well, and if not... may goodness come to you.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Thanks Cal, i think of my poetry as parts of my soul, i was hesitant to share at first but i love how it resonates with people :) it warms my heart to know that in my darkest moments i can make others feel less alone.. *hugs* I'm sorry you were triggered today, I hope your therapy went well, sleep deprivation is awful.. Sending you much love
@calmLake1999
That's wonderful, calmLake. And thanks for the love! Sending some your way, as well. <3 Keep on going with that soul nourishing/expressing art. You're very talented, and it takes a lot to throw your words and soul out there.
I keep dreaming that I am disintegrating. That parts of me are missing, or that I am just dissolving into nothing. I know that I am dying, and it makes me sad because I wanted to put everything right and fix my relationship, but I know my time is up and even though I am sad and thinking about that, I also feel ready to rest. It doesn't hurt, I am just becoming the nothing that I already feel that I am. I have failed to set things right, but I can't hurt anymore. And then I wake up and have to get on with my day.
I am also having a lot of nightmares about my family, old friends, the world coming apart, buildings burning, wars etc. Almost everynight there is something else, either directly related to my trauma or conveying the same depth of disaster and emotion without actually being the same thing.
This morning I had to cancel someone who was coming to fit a new meter because I couldn't face being alone in a place where I didn't feel safe with a stranger. I am crying a lot every day just because I am feeling very lonely.
I want a sleeping pattern and I just can't manage it. It is one in the morning here and I feel so so used up and tired.
@Kuma0187
Oh nightmares and disturbed sleep are so rough and are so much part of what we experience after trauma. And it leads to cumulative tiredness which then means getting through the next day is challenging, and it just seems to be a repeating cycle.I really feel for you. And as you say you want to have a sleeping pattern that works.. being awake at one in the morning is no fun. Wondering what helps you to soothe and settle.. knowing this can also be useful after a nightmare. A bedtime routine can be part of establishing a pattern and as they say shut down the computer a while before bedtime. Try to take it easy,and be kind and gentle with yourself. you deserve this care. x
@rozie
Working on the routines, but they get easily disturbed by mood swings. Also, the laptop stays on all night because otherwise I panic so much I have to call the crisis line. I put the sound of snoring on and pictures there so when I wake up I do not feel so alone. If it gets really bad sometimes I have a friend who leaves Skype on for me. The screens are really not the issue, the trauma is.
Thanks for your sweet post, it is good to feel cared for :)