Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 2nd January 2018
Good morning/afternoon/evening all!
My apoplgies for being late today. Time and weariness caught up... though not from partying at NewYear! Now trying to stay with what i read from Wayne Dyer: "quiet acceptance of what is" ... and going from there...
Beginning with something from A.A. Milne : :Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in their enchanted place on top of the forest, a little bear will always be waiting." Narrator.
And thinking about having an "enchanted' place to go to. A place that energizes and restores. A place that lifts our spirits, calms our mind, and relaxes our bodies. Recently read here how the sea and the wind had provded this refuelling for one of our community. What is your "enc hanted "place? Mine is the bush, with a canopy of trees and ferns overhead, the warmth of the sunlight filtering through, and the sound of a bubbling stream. And especilaly when the going is rough. .. this special place can be our oasis.
So let's remember to go to our "enchanted" place, or maybe find this place. A little time spent there can be invaluable.
How is your day going? Where is your "enchanted" place? How does it restore and energize you? Or pop in to say hi! Love to hear from you. This is your space and a safe place. x
@rozie
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@rozie The thought of seeking a place of enchantment and reminded me of Bridge to Terabithia, a book which I haven't read since I was a child:
"We need a place," she said, "just for us. It would be so secret that we would never tell anyone in the whole world about it." ... She lowered her voice almost to a whisper. "It might be a whole secret country," she continued, "and you and I would be the rulers of it." - Katherine Paterson, Bridge to Terabithia
@melliotm
Wow, lovely memories of that book 
Thank you. I had just posted mentioning wondering if I ought to watch a story tonight, too... interesting, this also causes me to wonder if something has anything to do with why I read soooooo many books as a young child, reading, always reading..... I mean I love story, but... hmmmm
@singercrystalspirit Same. Books (and comics) were portals to countless realms of the imagination: Narnia, Pern, Prydain, Fionavar, The Sprawl, Middle Earth, Discworld, The Dreaming, MacDonald Hall, Gotham, the Multiverse, Castle Gormenghast, Melniboné, Gethen, Asgard, Oz, Earthsea, Wonderland, etc, etc, etc. 🙂
@melliotm
Yes!! Narnia, Pern, Prydain... I remember those two P
@melliotm i have to go Out tomorrow but am really tyred at the thought of it. I dont want to stop getting my rest
I'm all over the board today. I have a friend who wants more but I am not sure if I am happy with giving him more than friends.
He complains so much I feel toxic around him.
@Rebekahwriter13
I would say go with your gut.
xx
@Rebekahwriter13
I second the "trust your gut!" Rebekah, I had a a similar situation about a month ago, & I have NO regrets that I distanced myself farther and farther...to the point of an occasional short-to-the-point answer to his texts. And I hope to cut ties altogether. This guy was nice enough, but he & I were not close friends. But then he started texting & calling me more & more & I regret that I allowed him to monopolize more & more of my free time with his constant texts & questions about what I was doing, where I was going, when I'd be home, etc. I started to feel like he was sufficating me (I need a lot of alone time), & one day last month when he knew I'd be getting off a certain bus, at a certain time.. he was there waiting for me as I got off the bus. He insisted on walking me home, even after I told him I was tired and just wanted to walk home alone, & head to bed. He followed me home (I didn't let him in my home, we sat on my big, covered porch) & he proceeded to share his strong attraction to me & how he believed we were "meant to be together." I had a raw honest, crystal clear talk with him stating in NO uncertain terms, that I was not interested in a romantic/dating relationship, and I only desired a friendship (without ANY benefits...and with a lot of space). He said he understood...but he became more intent on convincing me that he & I had a beautiful, intimate future together. Like yourself, I felt this guy was becoming a toxin in my simple, quiet, peaceful, & undramatic life. His delusion that "we" were an "exclusive" couple, as well his telling me we were going to spend every hour of every weekend together began to feel like there were 500 BIG red flags flapping in my face...so I stepped back. Your situation is probably different than mine, but I am a firm believer that casual, or close friendships between men & woman can be a beautiful thing...BUT once a man develops an attraction (romantic/physical/sexual) towards his female friend, (or vice versa that female develops strong feelings for, and an attraction to her male friend)...and that attraction is not reciprocal, there is no going back to "just friends." Several years ago my best friend was s guy. We had a ton of fun spending time together...going to movies, rollerblading, going "Dutch" eating out, & talked about everything under the ☀️ in an open/honest manner. But then one day I was caught off guard by his sharing that he had developed strong feelings for me...beyond our present friendship. He was an awesome guy, funny, attractive, smart, caring, a good conversationalist, etc., but I just didn't feel the same attraction. We tried our best to go back to "just being friends," but after almost a year he confessed his feelings for me were only growing stronger, and he was waiting for my feelings for him to change. When he realized my feelings for him weren't of a romantic nature, he ended our friendship, stating it was too painful. I was devastated that I lost my BEST friend, who I deeply cared for, but I felt it was in his best interest to move on and find mutually romantic love. Again, I say, listen to your gut...because it's stuffed with wisdom.
I trusted my gutt. I feel better without him. I just hope he finds a good girl who changes him for the better. He was so toxic. His life was quiet but never as bad as he made it.
@Rebekahwriter13 be honest to him how it makes you feel and how that's the only thing holding you back. Maybe he will change, maybe he won't, then that's your answer. Get away from him , focus back on you
Rozie
I have no enchanted place
It
@BeeLeigh Seriously.
@melliotm
Lol
@BeeLeigh
Oh, wow. Wow. I feel much less cold.
Hello
I had a pretty good day. I had a realization with my mother - that she has been really hard on me. That was awesome and I am grateful for it.
Tonight, I started feeling empty. Because what happened was that I reached out for connection with my mother, and she rejected it. I told her she was being hard on me when I identified it, and she didn't respond. At first I was ok with her not responding, because I was excited with myself for identifying it. Now, hours later... it's a pain, a void, a loneliness, an emptiness.
I am seeing that this must have happened lots in my life, causing attachment issues. I am grateful for the intellectual understanding. Nevertheless, the emptiness/void is here.
So, I got on cups. Nothing can fill this void except for love and connection - this, I am beginning to learn. Was hoping to find some here. See if that works (helps).
Am also feeling disconnected from my sister, so that's contributing, too.
I'm feeling pretty connected with both my dad and my brother, so those are positives.
I also was reminded today of a man who relatively recently rejected me (I thought there was a connection, then he disappeared -- and I'm OK with knowing that, I'd rather find out sooner than later, but it has been difficult, and I was reminded), and that is contributing, too, to the void.
Mmm, an enchanted place sounds nice right now. It's in the 20s degrees Farenheit outside, it's nighttime. It would be nice to be feeling that warmth, nurturance, love, and connection. I wonder what way I can find today those feelings which I seek?
If I could spend just a little time being nurtured, warmed, connected, loved, right now... it would do the trick, it would fill me. But how? I had the thought of watching a Star Wars movie, because those have been taking lovely care of me lately (I watched them all weekend lol). What do you all think? I don't like the idea of turning to technology/entertainment, but, the thing that had been uplifting me was the *story*. So it wasn't like I was numbing (I don't think) so much as I was being comforted by a story. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it will heal the precise malady I'm experiencing.
What can I do to provide myself tonight with that warmth and security and love that I need?
@rozie I need help getting over these experiences, my day sucked today.
@consumingthoughts
Oh so sorry to hear you had a day like this. We are here with you and willing to help.Please message me if you'd like to have a chat. We all need support, someone to walk alongside us, you are not alone. x
Hey everyone what's up. I am doing alright staying as warm as possible the warm weather will soon come(hopefully sooner then later lol). Stay warm guys we will make it through the winter/cold. For my answer to the post for my "enchanted place" is my apartment. It restores and energizes me because I feel happy, safe, warm etc... in my home, I can just live and be me. For a public place I would say my local horse track they closed but they have live racing a few times a year it restores and energizes me because it is family friendly. I love the horses, the race the kind people, the old fashioned building and feel, the food trucks the whole atmosphere. It is a dying out sport but I respect it and that the horses are well cared for etc...
@MelanieDaniels63
Sounds like you have two lovely enchanted places to be! Love your picture of the horses, the kind people and the old fashioned buildings ... the tracks and the race and where the horses are well cared for.. very special. x
Today I made another big step in healthier coping skills.
I feel like I have experienced a lot of huge growth steps so far in this situation. With this guy who wants to visit me at the end of the month.
Friday was the night with no sleep, followed by an intense day of work and an intense discussion with him about this visit scheduling and trust and security and finances. I was so tired and expected to think rationally and dig deep about his insecurities. Over the weekend, I needed to recover from sleep as well as the mental and emotional strain. And get ready for NYE party too. I knew he has exams coming up, and was prepared this is why he postponed visiting because he needed to spend these weeks studying. But usually when he's busy I still hear some kind of response from him. So after 4pm NYE, I didn't expect two days of radio silence. I thought of course he would respond to me at some point, but it felt like I was putting things out into a void, plus made me feel like the crazy person just flooding him too much with no response. It took me on a little roller coaster. So today I told a friend yeah, it's not that he can't be busy or doesn't have a life, it's just going from several responses every day to nothing for several days being the huge change without any communication about changed expectations.
Plus it was not me just being clingy or needy, one of our first fights, he had said he wanted to let me cool off for three days, and it made me angry, so the only time he's mentioned stepping away for several days was negative. But apart from that, he has communicated to me some expectations or things that help him. So it is his responsibility to tell me what he needs.
And I have to communicate what I need. The problem was that I have had so many crazy past experiences, I was never paranoid before, until the things you would ever be most paranoid about came to pass. I already mentioned the guy who spent years promising travel together but could never schedule travel plans with me. Not even to visit the city where I lived. And he would just visit the city, follow me around. I would get crypitc messages about whatever outfit I was wearing, and he would never talk to me. Creepy.
So this week I went through probably every possibility imaginable. He's a short old bald guy instead of the person he claims he is. I went looking online for this evidence. But it's not uncommon here for people not to have any social media presence or online presence. There is an older short bald guy with his name. There are also other people out there with his name with no pictures or info about them. Options I imagined included thinking maybe he had secretly driven to my city (he has my address for arranging his travel and told me he had already looked up info about my area and neighborhood), observed me on NYE, either freaked out and run away, or not liked what he saw, or he was going to start dropping cryptic messages about my outfit. Because that has been my life for 10 years! Those things are what happens when there's supposedly a guy interested in me. Three stalkers in my adult life with over 3 years total of being stalked.
So I went through all of these things. My friend said she would be concerned as well just because there was not explanation given. I asked another guy if he wants to go skiing with me for a day sometime (when we get snow).
Then I came back to him and said he really had communicated trust concerns before, had me freaking out that I had said something he took the wrong way, and he hadn't given me any clear expectations how to handle him just suddenly making a drastic change in communication and being silent for several days. At least just check in, let me know if I should have a heads up that something hurt him he wants to talk about later. etc. And he did. He at least checked in, confirmed it was just the busyiness, which I knew to expect, and nothing negative.
And that's the progress I need to make to have a healthy relationship. I need to be able to stop being traumatized by what happened in the past, stop having my reactions dictated by an ongoing long unhealthy situation by someone incredibly invasive, and have better coping skills about my anxiety. Because those are things my mother never did well, she never learned how to reign in her anxiety instead of letting it effect all of her relationships around her. For me it was a huge step to go through all of those fears and scenarios and come out with a productive, successful step and way to ask for what I needed. That made me soar with confidence.
@energeticFarm4649 this spoke to me on so many levels. It's like being reborn again trying to learn people that we thought we knew so well but we were wrong, cause we were shells? Kinda hiding. My mom is the same, still doesn't understand what I'm going through but crazy enough my sister (who I never got along with before) does. So I don't feel too crazy . Is the best choice for us to find love with someone else who understands anxiety or will that set us off more?? Something I definitely think about a lot. Most past relationships never worked out cause I wouldn't try to connect with them. But I didn't understand that, I thought I was trying, and I was.. But I definitely had walls up that they were prepared to knock down but I guess that's my job. It's hard .. Lol
My day has been difficult. After praying and asking the lord to be delivered and try to forgive those for difficult and hurtful comments, I have found thatv I have to take a self care break and prepare myself for the next therapy session
