Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Tuesday 9th January 2018

@rozie

Hey rozie,

Love what you wrote. And its thanks to the amazing support we have on here that we are able to bounce back from difficult times. :)

Today has been a good day, even though I was a sick for a part of it, it was still a good day. My mum arrives on Monday and I can't wait to see her. I'm super super super excited and on a bit of a happy high :D So yeah, life is good today :)

Sending some love to anyone who needs it <3 <3

@rozie

I just wanted to say thanks for that message. I dont always feel resiliant, but thats encouraging. I usually dont like the word family, but "trauma family" I can get behind. This group is a tapestry of beautiful souls and i'm glad to have come here. To answer your question I would like to quote my favorite poet:

"As a rule, it was the fittest who perished. The misfits,
Forced by failure to migrate to unsettled niches,
who altered their structure and prospered. "-W.H.Auden

to me resiliance is not so much what we have lost its what someone gains from the abhorence in life. there is no stillness in a resiliant individual. resilliance is a motion. its a fluid and an energy all at once. I find that one who is resiliant has found the key to truly moving through this world. whether they realize it or not, resiliance has no word for failure, because even treading water or sitting down after you fall is a form of resiliance. the active decision to stand back up is irrelevent. because eventually upward mobility will happen. because we don't know how to stay put.

my day hasn't started but when it does i will check back in. The muse struck this insomniac's mind and i felt like sharing. thanks for the prompt.

Hi! :)

@rozie

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good morn Rozie

Thank you so much for all you do. I can not tell you how much your support has encouraged me

@rozie

Hey there,

Wow, how appropriate to mention resilience today. And community.

I had a rough day - I spent it working on a budget for myself, which was a reality check. I almost went into a panic, but I pulled myself out of it -- I was so proud of myself for that. And I got my brain thinking about it positively again. And then I had a workout, and instead of pushing myself too hard, I chose to push myself some, and enjoy it some, and decided that I had a lifetime to "improve" and that it was more important that I enjoyed it -- I was so proud of myself for that. And I quit the workout early to get to my sister's in time for dinner, and I was happy with that decision because community is more important.

So I rushed off to my younger sister and brother-in-law's house for a soup dinner with their church group that my sister invited me to when I told her I was lonely and wanted to make more friends (still being new in this city I just moved to). I was so looking forward to it and had high hopes. [I went to a party this past weekend where I knew practically no one, and made some new friends there, so I was feeling good]. Then at my sister's.... I don't know what happened honestly. I don't know if my mindset crashed, or if the people were as rude as I felt like they were, or what. Some people spoke to me a little bit, but for whatever reason I felt "different" and like people didn't want to speak with me. When people did speak with me, they introduced themselves, but then they went away and went back to talking to someone else. They didn't seem to ask me any small talk or questions about myself. I tried to think of something to ask them, but it was too late, they had gone back to talking to someone else and then I didn't want to interrupt. And then I started feeling self conscious and wondering if I was doing something wrong socially, because I think of myself as pretty good at being social, but people weren't responding to me.

My sister invited me to come sit down, and I did... but then she immediately left to put her baby to bed, and the three other girls sitting there didn't look at me or say anything to me (they were all talking amongst themselves and I didn't want to interrupt) and so I was just sitting there eating a salad and another woman was there with her kid and I tried talking to them, and that woman didn't even so much as make eye contact with me or ask my name or anything and I felt really small. I started feeling like they all thought there was something wrong with me and it felt awful.

I tried going into the other room to talk to different people, and it was similar... no one really acknowledged me being there, and they were all having a conversation and I didn't want to interrupt -- it was personal stuff (all of these people already know each other quite well), it wasn't small talk.

Then a girl came in by herself and I thought oh perfect! But after a few sentences of conversation with her she really quickly started talking with my brother-in-law, and again, it wasn't small talk, it was personal stuff that I didn't feel I could easily be included in.

And by that time my sister had come back, but nobody had even tasted the soup I brought to share (and I had witnessed two people do what seemed to me like literally turn their noses up at it) and at that point I was feeling really out of place and just standing at the counter eating soup alone (except for a break to go tell my sister it was really good and ask for ingredients -- PURELY to make conversation -- during which the girls she was sitting with all joked with her, but it didn't turn into any sort of small talk with me) and then I went back to standing at the counter alone. And no one was coming over to me to include me either, and I had decided to leave.

One guy then came over to where I was and said "I don't think I've met you yet" and I was so excited! I introduced myself, but then... he just left to go back to the other room without making small talk. I didn't understand. My brother-in-law tried to include me a bit but the girl he was talking with just kept her back turned to me other than a brief glance and then they kept on catching up about whatever they were catching up about. I appreciated him, but it hurt that people weren't wanting to talk. And I had been so excited, and gone out of my way.

My brain was hurting and it started doing the thing where it flips back and forth wondering who is doing something "wrong", myself or the other person, and I started to feel in a lot of pain, and I went and told my sister I was going to leave. She seemed visibly upset, and asked why, and I told her in as matter-of-fact and optimistic way as I could that it was because no one was talking to me, and she said "but I invited you to come over and sit down," but I didn't want to explain to her the situation because I felt like these were her friends and like I was being a hog of her time, and so I just told her that I didn't think it was a good situation for me to meet new people because they were all catching up, and that it was okay. Even though I didn't feel okay. And then I told everyone I had met goodbye and that it was nice to meet them. They didn't even really (to me at that point) seem to care that I was leaving. And then I left and started crying as soon as I walked out the door.

Not the first time I've started crying as soon as I walked out my sister's door. What does this mean?

Anyways I don't know what to do or how to process this. I don't want to have a pity party about it, but I really don't understand what happened or know how to handle it. I've been crying ever since I left off and on, which was an hour and a half ago. I'm really feeling upset by it. It's literally coloring my entire day, which was filled with many other different challenges as well.

I know I'm not unlikeable. People like me. But something about this situation had me feeling really undesirable. It was like it just wasn't my crowd. But that upset me big-time because these are my sister's close friends, and some of the things I didn't like about them are some of the things that it bothers me when my sister treats me that way. But I am trying to forgive her because she just had a baby three months ago. And I am just so confused and I don't know what to do. It's sort of snowballing -- my brother has been not responding to me lately too, and I don't know why, and I just... I'm scared. I don't want to have another conversation with my siblings about how they're hurting me. But I don't know what else to do.

Anyway. I had a lot to say today, and this feels deep and like a lot to work through. And I am having trouble feeling positive about the things that went well for me today because this is overshadowing a lot. I am going to go meditate and see if that helps me. I also made myself some hot tea. I feel pretty sad and scared.

Can I have big hugs?

- Singer

Good morning Community

Hope all are doing well today