Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Wednesday 10th October, 2018

Hey there Trauma Family, its me canvas again! I have another boundary topic for you! Dont forget to add your suggestions for future topics to the suggestions thread!

Emotional Distance. Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living. People who have been in abusive relationships often use emotional distance in this way and benefit from finding a safe place to begin to thaw out emotionally. – That is the definition from the Boundaries self help guide.

A little story for you today about my own experience with Emotional Distance…

I had a tough childhood of ritual abuse and lets call it medical ‘stuff to avoid triggers. I know that my mum knew about it on some level so as you can imagine our relationship now I am an adult is a little bit tricky. I pretty much have to separate past mum and now mum. For the most part that emotional boundary allows me to be present with her in the moment and creates emotional space for me to work through the past pain when I am ready. As you can imagine this isnt exactly smooth sailing when she brings up stuff from the past, or acts like nothing happened, and drops a bomb into a conversation that sets all of my little parts off into tears and terror (child personalities from DID).

I very rarely talk about this part of my life but thought a real life explanation of Emotional Distance would be helpful as I was struggling to find some good information on this topic.

For me in the moment this felt like I had emotionally taken a step back. I took in the words my mum was speaking about when I was a baby but I didnt respond. I held the feelings from my parts, putting them into a safe space inside to sooth them. When we went to therapy we shared our confusion and worked through it with our lovely counsellor. For me this was a big success because I didnt dissociate or react in a way that made me vulnerable in the moment.

Some of the signs that Ive noticed when I havent got the balance right in the past:

* It feels like I have taken on their feelings, opinions or emotional state. I could feel depressed, self critical or perfectionistic after spending time with someone.

* I feel intensely angry and have less patience. It doesnt go away when I go home and I can get grumpy with my poor hubby or my other parts. Sometimes I might be more aggressive or combative which is not part of my nature.

* I am withdrawn/dissociated and completely shut down.

* I feel like Ive given power over to my mum as she triggered emotions in me that I now havent been able to contain. Im bringing these feelings into my other relationships by expressing my hurt or being emotionally unavailable because I have dissociated.

We are all different but Im sure most of us have a relationship with our family of origin that is difficult because of the trauma we have faced. What is something you struggle with in your family relationships? How do you think Emotional Distance could help you in a tough moment?

If this topic is too hard right now thats ok… I have an endless supply of pillows in the corner for fort making and of course snacks! Come and say hi and tell me your fave snack!