Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Wednesday 10th October, 2018
Hey there Trauma Family, its me canvas again! I have another boundary topic for you! Dont forget to add your suggestions for future topics to the suggestions thread!
Emotional Distance. Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living. People who have been in abusive relationships often use emotional distance in this way and benefit from finding a safe place to begin to thaw out emotionally. – That is the definition from the Boundaries self help guide.
A little story for you today about my own experience with Emotional Distance…
I had a tough childhood of ritual abuse and lets call it medical ‘stuff to avoid triggers. I know that my mum knew about it on some level so as you can imagine our relationship now I am an adult is a little bit tricky. I pretty much have to separate past mum and now mum. For the most part that emotional boundary allows me to be present with her in the moment and creates emotional space for me to work through the past pain when I am ready. As you can imagine this isnt exactly smooth sailing when she brings up stuff from the past, or acts like nothing happened, and drops a bomb into a conversation that sets all of my little parts off into tears and terror (child personalities from DID).
I very rarely talk about this part of my life but thought a real life explanation of Emotional Distance would be helpful as I was struggling to find some good information on this topic.
For me in the moment this felt like I had emotionally taken a step back. I took in the words my mum was speaking about when I was a baby but I didnt respond. I held the feelings from my parts, putting them into a safe space inside to sooth them. When we went to therapy we shared our confusion and worked through it with our lovely counsellor. For me this was a big success because I didnt dissociate or react in a way that made me vulnerable in the moment.
Some of the signs that Ive noticed when I havent got the balance right in the past:
* It feels like I have taken on their feelings, opinions or emotional state. I could feel depressed, self critical or perfectionistic after spending time with someone.
* I feel intensely angry and have less patience. It doesnt go away when I go home and I can get grumpy with my poor hubby or my other parts. Sometimes I might be more aggressive or combative which is not part of my nature.
* I am withdrawn/dissociated and completely shut down.
* I feel like Ive given power over to my mum as she triggered emotions in me that I now havent been able to contain. Im bringing these feelings into my other relationships by expressing my hurt or being emotionally unavailable because I have dissociated.
We are all different but Im sure most of us have a relationship with our family of origin that is difficult because of the trauma we have faced. What is something you struggle with in your family relationships? How do you think Emotional Distance could help you in a tough moment?
If this topic is too hard right now thats ok… I have an endless supply of pillows in the corner for fort making and of course snacks! Come and say hi and tell me your fave snack!
@InvaderStitch @redmark @Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raychascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @Softforesthsp77 @AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger @easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547 @Sk1ttles @Shayc1 @Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420 @FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels @8883ef @DaisyLion @forcefulSkies @spotthedot @courteousNorth5140 @Alcynically @ArianaMay @SB @affectionateNorth4018 @J12g34 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @nolongerafraid @CaringBrit @Ambrosia @practicalIdeal2007 @incompl @Raveninthelabrynth
@LifeIsMyCanvas
can I be added to this taglist?
@incompl
yes! I've added you :)
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you
@LifeIsMyCanvas
@Raveninthelabrynth
HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@singercrystalspirit oof just saw this one luv.
Hej an ((((((WYCKED HUGE GUGS))))))
Missed ye sis
@Raveninthelabrynth
😁😁😁😁🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
@LifeIsMyCanvas it's too small for mi to read lol add mi iffin m not there too please 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
canvas 💜💜💜
@sensitiveShade5337
shady shaaaaaade 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
-starts singing-
you are my sunshine, my little sunshine you make me happy when skys are grey 😁
didnt know what to answer so I started singing 😂
@sensitiveShade5337
my littles love that song!!!! Ty for singing it to me
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I've experienced the withdrawing one and the less patience one. Sometimes after an encounter with someone I find it difficult to focus on work or the gym. That's when I know my boundaries were crossed by someone and it's time to put some emotional distance between us
@incompl thats awesome you take notice of how you feel and know when its time to take distance from them
how are you feeling today
@CaringBrit
thank you. I'm doing OK. Pretty calm this morning
@incompl yay for calm
@incompl
I think we all experience them at some point, it's not a failure but a learning point and I totally love your self awareness in setting your boundaries and readjusting when needed. Good job 
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you. I'm working on learning when my boundary is about to be crossed as opposed to noticing it after. It is difficult though when you can't control other people or necessarily predict their responses
@LifeIsMyCanvas awesome check in as usual canvas and i struggle daily with loving relationships i lack trust im sure many here can relate to this the reasons are example abuse mainly emotional , or been cheated on etc whuich can have huge impact on the mind so when you find someone you really love trust is very tough great topic canvas
@CaringBrit
Thank you hun.
Cheating and emotional abuse definately leaves an imprint on us but emotional distance and time to process it is super helpful in us working out what we want to let go of in new relationships
@LifeIsMyCanvas fo9r sure indeed it is helpful to learn that
Love this whole discussion so far, its been amazing :) Super thought provoking!!!
What is something you struggle with in your family relationships? How do you think Emotional Distance could help you in a tough moment?
I struggle with not reacting to my dads strops/anger/silent treatment/depressed moods. I grew up with it my whole life, and it just triggers me every time. I am braver these days, and I definatly take less shit from him. But I can't stop the fear, panic and flashbacks. I try my best... but yeh some emotional distance then would allow me to ... detach a little from the situation??? Let me not FEEL everything all over again and view it a bit more objectively.
I've also had it very simmilar to what Canvas said, my parents will laugh and joke about how I was a difficult child, and an nightmare to bring up. They casually chat about it round the dinner table as though their abuse was funny or I deserved it somehow. Those times I have no idea what to do, so I just laugh with them and hate myself for it. I am yet to decide if my relationship with them is worth their thoughtless comments.
Once my mum sat me down and appologised to me crying about all the stuff my dad did to me when I was a baby. Shaking me and screaming in my face to shut up. And yet shes still with him many years later. I don't know. Should you keep emotional distance from this stuff? I dunno.
The worst emotional stuff is when I find myself taking on someone elses emotions, that always ends up going wrong and with me questioning everything. That I wish I had a better way to prevent.
@Lilibuth12
I'm glad this is a helpful topic.
I am siting here trying to take in the situation you sharedand reflect on the most helpful thing to say because it sounds tough to deal with. I was thinking that maybe it is ok to react you your dad's moods? To say Hey Dad I'm sorry you are feeling depressed/angry etc but please don't take it out on us is totally healthy to do and you show kindness in recognising where he is at. But if he is sending a bunch of negativity your way then emotional distance might be more helpful. I guess it's just another tool in our box and practice will help us learn what works best in different situations for us.
With the fear, panic and flashbacks, you absolutely can't stop that from happening as it is an automatic brain response. All we can do when those things happen is ground ourselves in the moment and tell ourselves we are safe in the present and those things are not reoccuring now even if the flashback is telling us they are. It might feel like it doen't work/help but if you keep doing it one day your brain with suddenly get what you are retraining it to do and you will get what is called a window of tolerance. This is a window of thinking space between a trigger and an automatic response that you can conciously choose to use something from your tool box rather than have the automatic response to occur. I just wanted to share that so you don't think it is something you are doing wrong/ feel frustrated that you should be able to do because it's a time and practice thing.
I was also thinking about the jokes at the table, how invalidating that must be for you. Perhaps if it is a regular occurance you could think of something to say in advance. I know in the past I've said I've got your genes mum or that's not how I remember it. Even if you were a difficult chlid (which I doubt) it's still not kind to point it out and they chose to be parents... They may have their truth of how they have narrated the past in their minds but their dialogue is not your truth and you can hold onto your truth no matter what they believe. If you do decide the relationship isn't worth the triggers for you that is totally valid too, physical distance is a great boundary to protect yourself.
Lastly I think the only way to know what is your emotion and what is theirs is to know who you are and what you believe about your personal past and spend time working on defining that for you. Then when something happens in day to day life you can take what the other person is saying, compare it to 'yours' and agree or say nope that's not mine have it back lol. I hope that bit made sense?!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you for taking the time to reply :D :)
It is funny, because it should be okay to react to my dads moods. But I am 24, moved out, and any reaction I have risks making it worse for my mum and sister who live at home with him. So while it may not directly affect me, it will affect them. Which is just as important to me. Also he does not react well to anyone speaking to him when hes in those moods. You can't speak, barely move, you can't talk loudly around him. He just sits in the most public place in the house cringing and getting angry everytime someone moves. Nothing I say will snap him out of it and it can last days, and has lasted weeks. So really I need to learn how to avoid it and not challenge it, not get angry, and not make things worse for others. I think being able to emotionally distance myself from the past would help with that. But I don't know. I dissciate, but thats not helpful ahahah. I would like to be fully functional but emotionally distant enough to not take on his negative emotions and my own fears and do whats best for everyone else.
"a window of tolerance." is totally awesome :O didn't know there was a name for that feeling! I don't get it with my dad at all, but I do with some of my triggers. Its like a pause in my head going "YOU ARE TRIGGERED" "MAKE A DECISION NOW" ahah. I will wait patiently for it to come along to more things :D. I like having a name for it :)
Jokes at the table can be very invalidating. I find them very hard to take, and worse when they make them around my partner or friends. My boyfriend has had to leave the room before because he was so angry. Which was nice really because atleast he got it. My parents mentally can't cope with what they did, so they ignore it or make jokes out of it. For a long time I accepted this, but I have to admit I am struggling with it right now.
I think I am getting better at keeping my own emotional boundries in the sense of absorbing other peoples feelings, however I feel my 'brain' has betrayed me before, so I am always wary ahha. I do need to learn how to stick to my own beliefs a bit more though, it would save me alot of confusion :P :)
@Lilibuth12 thats alot to go through its definetly not right the way they treat you you do not deserve the abuse at all no one does it is very hard to ignore when people try set us off for sure and it certainly is a vital topic this one glad to hear its thought provoking
@LifeIsMyCanvas Thanks for the check-in and happy World Mental Health Day!
@Kate
Happy metal health day, hope you are self caring and doing something fun today
@LifeIsMyCanvas I'm sick with the flu and an ear infection unfortunately but am still around if you need me!
@Kate
sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. I hope you are better soon.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
well, I personally really like the Metal Health day lmao best typo of the day
@ImperfectCherry
@Kate lol yepp
@ImperfectCherry
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Nooooo don't blush that was amazing, made me laugh
@ImperfectCherry "Bang Your Head!!!"
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I just love your boundary topics, honestly very well explained, even for boundary noobs like me 
@ImperfectCherry
we can all be noobs together!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I'm afraid I'll never be in a place where my parts emotional overload won't completely overwhelm me and send me into a dissociative state. I had a severe trigger 18 months ago and my system basically devolved into chaos.
I keep emotional and physical distance from everyone. It just seems safer for everybody that way.
Thank you for sharing your own personal story Canvas. I'm glad I'm not alone.
@affectionateNorth4018
I had parts that I felt like that about but in time we built trust with each other and I can sooth them in most scenarios now. It does feel like it was always going to be that way and I too was scared I'd not get better. I think that's normal for us and I know still doubt myself, espcially when I get a big trigger like you said. I had one yesterday and we got all messed up inside but I'm getting there and determined not to set me back months and months. I guess I'm trying to say even though it feels like it will never happen, it will work for us if we keep trying. If you have a particular topic or thing you struggle with let me know (if you feel comfortable) and i'll try and research something or look back at my recovery journals to see what things we tried ... it might help?
Alone does feel safer, but it's not really. We all need safe people when we run out of steam and need a safe space to have a break. I hope you can find something to help you and your system.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I keep thinking about my abuser, but I'm doing alright.
@PainfullyAwkward aww that must be difficult thinking about them alot
@CaringBrit
Yes, but I'll be ok.
@PainfullyAwkward yes definetly and we are here for you when times are not ok
@PainfullyAwkward
sounds like there are some really painful thoughts going on on your mind... Is there anything you can do to distract your thoughts for a while? Reading, watching your favourite film, listening to some music and dance to it sending you lots of strength and some hugs if you want them...
@ImperfectCherry @CaringBrit
Thank you. Did some homework and watched t.v. I'm ok now.
@PainfullyAwkward
that sounds really good 😊 glad you turned your day around and made the best of it 😊
you are all in for a treat friday as ill be doing a checkin xd
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thanks so much for being so brave and writing this post
I am so sorry you went through so much awfulness, I can relate to some of it, sadly.
Going through and reading this was extremely difficult, but in a way it's healing, by
beginning to recognize and accept the truth and the terror.
It has been a goal of mine to realize when I am totally shutting down, which is often, and to come back to the present.
I could use those pillows and a snack, anything chocolate would be nice:)
@emotionalMaple9419 im proud of you that you got through reading this despite it being tough for you great job
@emotionalMaple9419
*passes lots of pillows, vegan snacks and vegan brownies*
Am sooooo happy to see you in check in
@emotionalMaple9419 (((HUGE HUGS))) Em
ya as tough it is, accepting what has happened is a huge step forward in our recovery.
I'm proud of you hon and glad yer hanging in.
Get some them Snacks indeed.