Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check in: Wednesday January 16th
Hi all,
I want to talk about anger today. Anger is an emotion that exists because evolutionarily, it told us when things were not satisfactory. It makes us realize when we are not pleased with a person, situation, or thing, and that we want change. Maybe we want ourselves to change, maybe we want the responsible person to change. Trauma survivors sometimes feel numb instead of anger because we don't believe we have the right to feel angry.
This can come from many sources. Perhaps we think other people's feelings are more valuable and important than ours, so we minimize our own anger with self loathing. Another block in our anger comes from maybe our sadness and fear overwhelming our sense that we should be angry, because there are simply too many emotions to keep track of. Another reason could also be that anger is scary, and we don't want to be like the scary people in our lives, so we push it away. At the end of the day, how we relate to our anger seems to be intertwined with how we relate to ourselves.
Survivors, because of not knowing how to handle anger, sometimes end up lashing out at those who are trying to help them. Perhaps this is because in therapeutic relationships, there is enough respect and trust there that we actually believe we are allowed to feel anger. Being able to feel anger, in itself can be a huge break through in recovery. When it is finally accessed, it can be difficult to live with, control, and manage. It is ok to still be working on this. It is ok to feel anger, and it's ok to be angry with people. All we can do is our best in any given moment, and make sure that even despite our anger, we still appreciate people and their help and kindness.
What is your relationship with anger and do you think it was affected by your trauma?
Has your relationship with anger changed over time in recovery?
As always, if you don't want to answer these questions, how are you doing today?
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@Hoxenos
What is your relationship with anger and do you think it was affected by your trauma?
Anger certainly does get in the way of my relationships with others who cares abotu me. I don't lash out when/if someone voices that my trauma is insignificant and I need to just "get over it". I tend to bottle it up with the thought " what do you know..." of course later on, my bottle burst into sharp edged bullets and hurt random people who had nothing to do with my reason for anger.
Has your relationship with anger changed over time in recovery?
Not much to be honest but I am more mindful about voicing my experience as a trauma survivor. Instead of pretending, I now try my best to educate the ones who have no idea what they are talking about. Some may still have no idea but at least I made them pause their non-sense. So I still win! 
@Jackie
It sounds like you're making progress in understanding where your anger comes from and confronting it in a head on, healthy way. I think it takes time,a nd over the years you may end up with more triggers than you started with, but it sounds like you will get where you want to go with your anger. Just a reminder though: You are allowed to feel anger. You are allowed to be upset. I think you're right about talking with the people who do anger you isntead of lashing out randomly being a step in the right direction, but I just hope you know that even when you get better at managing your anger, it doesn't mean you get to a point where you never feel it at all, it is more about managing it healthily, which it sounds like you're doing, so good job! :)
@Hoxenos I definitely do the self-loathing probably more than I care to admit
@crimsonLime6525
So you internalize your anger, you turn it on yourself? This is a result of trying to manage your emotions, which I think is important to acknoweledge. But, you are allowed to feel anger at other people. You are allowed to feel anger at the universe. You are allowed to feel anger about injustice and unhappiness. You are allowed to believe that you deserved better.
@Hoxenos you
@crimsonLime6525
These are tough feelings to struggle with. Thinking that we are bad people, and that what happened must have happened for a reason, and that reason is that we are bad. Or that we were told over and over that we were bad and deserved punishment. All of those thought patterns stick with us for a long time, and it's really difficult to get ourselves out of them. If you saw someone who was the same as you, had the same things happen, would you believe they deserved it as well? Are they bad?
@Hoxenos
What is your relationship with anger and do you think it was affected by your trauma?
I tend to either not feel angry and like I deserved everything or I get extreely angry over the past and lash out at others.
Has your relationship with anger changed over time in recovery?
Not really, but I am trying to get it to change.
@friendlyLake5949
Hi Lake,
In what ways would you like to see your relationship with anger change, and what strategies do you currently employ, or would like to employ to get there?
@Hoxenos
Anger is tricky.
There is a vulnerability there...an opportunity to expose an inequity in power. Too often and in too many contexts, the times I have said something was unacceptable have been met with "too bad." Or, worse yet, with a reprimand that I ought to be 100% pleasant and compliant all of the time. All that to say, I don't express anger very often, very strongly, or for more than a short time. Even when it leaks out a little I have it contained shortly. I know this isn't the best way, but I haven't sorted put anything better.
@ReallyRuth
I suppose that anger is also a bit of a gendered issue. I'm assuming you're female right now, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. But certain groups of people are less acceptable in angered states. Children are seen as acting out or not behaving when they have emotional displays. The fact is that children have generally not yet learned that control, and we punish for things they haven't learned how to do yet. Women are generally not allowed to feel anger either, because it is not feminine, women are supposed to be compliant, demur, and quiet.
Ruth, you are allowed to feel anger. You are allowed to discuss your anger openly and healthily. Confronting injustice does not make you a bad person, you didn't choose that this stuff happened, you are simply allowed to react to it. To feel things about it. You deserve to be able to express your emotions and have them be respected, not minimized.
@Hoxenos
Thank you.
I am just frightened by the retaliation that I get in response.
@ReallyRuth
That makes a lot of sense. Wanting to protect yourself is a powerful motivator, and I'm sorry that either a past environment or your current environment doesn't allow you to express your full range of emotions in a healthy manner. It sounds very unfair to me.
@Hoxenos
Hugs. Thanks so much. It is something I am working on.
i have definitely internalized my anger over the years, which has caused a lot of problems like depression and self-loathing. when i feel angry, it's like i have this voice inside that tells me not to let it out so i just take it on myself. it's like part of me is afraid that the anger will get out of control if i open the floodgates, or maybe i was taught that anger is bad early on. actually i tend to keep all my emotions under wraps, maybe because of the abuse? i'm not sure. anyway i'm getting better in processing anger but it's still a challenge.
@crimsonSpruce612
I think that makes a lot of sense, Spruce. A lot of the time anger is tied in our minds with uncontrollability. Because when we see anger in the outside world, that is how it tends to manifest. But it doesn't mean that this is the only way to express our anger. We can write about it, we can sing it out, we can do art, we can read stories that we empathise with, can you think of other ways where you could express or expierence your anger in a more healthy way? So that it doesn't get bottled up and turned inward, but also so it doesn't have to be destructive and scary.
Generally we need to break down our anger into pieces, where is it coming from? Do I feel injustice at what ahppened to me? Am I angry at a particular person for purposely hurting me? Am I angry at the universe or at God for letting something like this happen? It can be important to figure out what is angering us, and let ourselves sit with the feeling, letting our brains process it in a way that makes sense to we can resolve and move past it.
At the end of the day, it also comes down to ALLOWING yourself to feel anger. Knowing that it is valid and most likely justified. It doesn't have to hurt anyone, but it can be a symbol in your mind that you KNOW what happened was wrong.
I can relate to a lot of what you said in that second paragraph. Didnt used to ever let myself get angry because it seemed scary and I knew that sometimes bad things happened when people got angry. I did not want to be like those people and so I just tried to never feel angry. That kinda backfired though too. Hurt me in the long run. Just gonna end up taking it all out on myself I think because I wasnt safe to show it otherwise. There definitely was a time when anger at some external source was not safe or allowed in my life. So you just end up taking it out on yourself because its safer and bad things are less likely to happen. But I guess its not really good for you in The long term. Who knows. Sometimes I feel like I dont know much about much of anything at all. Hard to find a balance I guess, as with many things in life. Kind of overwhelming sometimes.
@pioneeringBanana1598
It sounds like this topic really resonated with you and I'm happy to hear that. Your ability to introspect about this stuff only gets better and better and I think you should be very proud of that.
I like that you pointed out that in different points in your history the environment allowed for different manifestations of emotions. It is true that different age groups, and different people in our lives have different expectations, and they can react negatively to us, which in turn makes us learn certain behaviours to avoid being treated negatively. But also, it's important to remember that you're not in that environment anymore. You are older, and you are your own person. You are now allowed to experience a full range of emotion, and you can choose how you want it to be manifested. Having a controlled outlet for anger is healthy because it puts you back in the driver seat of your own emotions, you can choose how you want to process what you're going through. You have the power now <3
Can you think of some new ways to experience and process your anger? Some examples may be to write an angry letter that you don't send, maybe taking up a martial art, or doing something creative like art.
@Hoxenos
Thank you. That gives me some things to think about.
I particularly took note of where you said, You are now allowed to experience a full range of emotion. Thats an interesting concept. I dont think Ive allowed myself that in years if ever. Its both terrifying and somewhat enlightening at the same time. So much to think about sometimes.
@Hoxenos
7cups wouldn't let me message you. I got a weird error message.
