Traumatic Experiences Community Daily check-in Monday October 16 2017

how is your day going? I've been tired, but I made stuffed cabbage soup and wrote 2000 words today.

What's a struggle you have faced today? We have three stray kittens and mama cat out side, I'm trying to find better Homes for before it gets too cold.

What's a success you've had this week? Ive learned that cuddling with kittens have help my anxiety.

Ready for this week or not, it has arrived. Mondays are by far the worst because I work overnights on the weekend and then days all week. I slide into Monday exhausted which makes it harder to cope with everything.

If today goes somewhat well, I will slide through the day looking on the surface as if I have it all together but I really don't. I am expected to guide a group at work through some training exercises today and tomorrow and they are not physically exhausting but definitely mentally draining. I will stay late at work to make sure all paperwork is complete and then do it all again tomorrow. The rest of the week will hopefully be easier as I slide back into my office where at least I should have more calm in the day.

I will be keeping each of you in my prayers that today goes smoothly and that each of you are able to take even one small step forward.

It was a long night and I have yet another travel day today. Usually, I enjoy my days away but today is a little bit more stressful. I am taking both of my parents to see their respective physicians. They are both older and they have some health issues that need a lot of attention. So, I am a little anxious today.

Lets see, I am a survivor of long term abuse. I was very fortunate to be able to work with one of the leaders in the field for several years after being diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. I still have my ups and downs, but have come a long way. I still check in from time to time but can manage with my magical selection of coping techniques most of the time.

I read a great deal, love music, the outdoors, meditation and writing. I also enjoy helping others as they begin their own journey.

I would be hard pressed to pick a favorite book. I am currently reading one of Brian Greenes books as well as The Big Picture by Sean Carroll. I carry one with me for those unanticipated moments of sweet solitude.

I also love to laugh, smile and share my quirky sense of humor with similarly minded friends who I treasure.

I have to run so I can get on the road. Checking in is definitely one of my priorities. I learn so much from you all and it helps me remain grounded.

@Hoxenos Welcome to the check in roster! ❤️

How is your day going?

Just starting, but I've been better (and worse). Rough night last night with both circumstances and symptoms.

What's a struggle you have faced today?

Continue to face/deal with unavoidable household issues while simultaneously managing my symptoms and regulating my emotions. Am being very careful and thoughtful in how I word things and approach my thoughts because I truly like I'm on the edge of falling apart at any given moment. Everything I've written feels like I've downplayed just how awful I feel at the moment, but I don't know how to let it out without shattering myself. A frustrating balancing act. So, I guess that's a part of the struggle too.

What's a success you've had this week?

It wasn't the greatest, but despite my struggles to remain present and grounded amid the storm, I slept last night. So, yay.

At the moment I feel like I am surrounded by too many sounds, too many thoughts/memories, too many feels, too many triggers. Trying to ride it out and just be overwhelmed and accept the resulting emotional flashbacks instead of fighting them. Not worry about having to clearly and concisely explain what is wrong when I am having difficulty making sense of the mish mash.

Even though I feel unsafe and finding it hard to refute the toxic lies of inner critic, am still worthy of compassion and support.

Trauma sucks is the bottom line and I'm trying my best. And it's hard, and I feel helpless and weak against the tide that has swept over me. Trying to stay anchored to the present moment.

Trying.

Trying...

Mondays have a long pattern of being extra challenging for me. My spouse is physically ill at least once a week, and today they are not feeling well, so I feel even less supported than usual. Our vehicle isn't working so we have been borrowing rides from coworkers for a while, which adds to my stress and makes me feel like a real burden. At my work, we start Mondays with a very long-winded meeting. This week I am juggling several projects that have equal high priority. I have no support with my workload although I've mentioned several times that I'm burnt out and overwhelmed. They just don't care and have no interest in hiring someone else to assist me. Sometimes this impossible workload gives me some reprieve from my personal anxieties, but often it just piles on. Today is a pile-on day. I'm overwhelmed. I want to go home but will stick it out somehow...

@Hoxenos

It is very nice to meet you. I hope you will enjoy your new responsibilities and they are helpful to your own personal journey.

I am still new here, but have really enjoyed the site so far. People seem to genuinely care and have been very respectful. :)

My struggles today had to do with having to reschedule my first Visit with T...but it worked out. She was very understanding and willing to work with me.

My accomplishments today made me really happy. My apartment manager said that we can start holding peer support meetings and social group gatherings, in our community room, for our residents with mental disabilities. I am so excited for that because we have several residents who could benefit from that.

She also said that I could hold a meeting to help get our residents working together to make our apartments safer. Like a neighborhood watch thing but for just our building. She also said that we can put in an anonymous drop box for those don't feel okay talking to the office about things. I think it is a good first step to raising awareness about the crime in our building.

Favorite all time movie is Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

Favorite TV show right now (it changes a lot) is Switched at Birth.

@Hoxenos

Hi Hoxenos, sorry to reply so late, but it's been a long, tough day for me, & it's still Monday where I live. Thank you for stepping up to do daily check-ins for this community. I very much appreciate that you were open to sharing more about yourself. We have some similarities in our backgrounds & issues. And, I had the experience of receiving several MISdiagnoses on top of my PTSD & severe depression, and despite being hospitalized multiple times, working with several therapists, and trying all kinds of treatments & therapy modalities, I didn't make much improvements.

And, it wasn't for a lack of trying hard on my part, but therapist after therapist quit when I wasn't making "enough" progress in areas (social & relational) they wanted to see me make gains in. And, finally I came to the conclusion that perhaps I wasn't making "progress" in therapy because no one REALLY knew (or had a clue) what??? was really wrong with me. I agreed with doctors regarding my diagnoses of severe depression & PTSD because I had endured such a horrible combination of abuses throughout my childhood & teen years. And, unfortunately, my resiliency, much like elastic, could only be stretched so far before it snaped...& broke.

Long story shortened up..I finally went and underwent 3 long days of neuro-psy testing, interviews, & evaluations...and the results concluded that I had Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Which explained a LOT as far as my oddly, off-center-behavoirs & communication issues went, but as an "adult" on the spectrum, I was at a loss at how to get "better," or at least make progress when ALL the treatment and therapies near, or far...were geared toward young children.

I struggle a lot, mostly with depression, lonliness, rejection, and being MISunderstood. Today was an unusually bad day of making a mess outta my life, as opposed to my usual, run-of-the-mill awful days. My struggle today had to do with my going to my boss about a situation at work that troubles me to no end. She said she'd keep an eye on the situation, but instead of doing that, she put a very long, detailed note of "generalized" chastisement regarding the situation...making it unmistakingly aimed toward the employees/offenders it applied to.

And, because these individuals knew last week that I was really uncomfortable and unhappy about the things they were choosing to do instead of what they were being paid and expected to be doing on-the-job. To explain the situation better, we are teachers in a child care center/preschool, and the "work" being neglected by teachers (I was suppose to be assisting), was "meeting the crucial care & safety needs of the children," I felt I had to speak up. I wanted to be a voice for the very young (ages 1 & 2) who didn't have the ability to speak up for themselves.

Hox, I feel like the harder I strive to do the "RIGHT" things, or do things the "RIGHT" way, or for the "RIGHT" reasons.. the more things go WRONG beyond estimation and imagination. I feel in my efforts to marginally get by in a world I SO don't fit into...I've managed to turn most everyone against me. I wish I could just crawl deep down into the hole I keep digging for myself and stay down under... and stay out of trouble.

In closing, my favorite TV show is The Good Doctor. It is the first time I ever saw a person (real, or otherwise characterized) who mirrored my broad range of stuggles so closely, so clearly, & with such sensitivity. "Dr. Shaun Murphy" could have been my identical twin brother.

One more thing before I close, could you, or someone else who has the "powers-to-be" please correct the typo with my username on the Tag list so I'll get notifications? There is an added epace that needs to be deleted so it will tag me. It should be @caterpillargirl. I think someone recently must have accidently added a space between "@" and "caterpillargirl" and it dislodged me from receiving notifications. Thanks.