Traumatic Experiences Community Daily check-in Wednesday December 26th 2018
Hi all,
I hope your holidays are going well, or if you don't celebrate, I hope that the last week has been kind to you. Since family stress can be especially painful around this time, what are some strategies you've employed this year to get through? Have you done anything different that has made a positive impact? Do you want additional support and more coping strategies for times like these?
For me what made the biggest difference for getting through the holidays has been asserting my boundaries with family members. Family tends to feel like they are owed your time and energy, especialy around the holidays, but this could not be farther from the truth. Christmas time is about giving, but it is not about giving your health away. You are only expected to do what is possible within your limits. Your family doesn't need to understand where you're coming from, but if they respect you, (and they should respect you if they think they are worthy of being called your family), then they will respect your boundaries without explanations or reasons. Trauma can shatter a lot of the trust which makes us less able to assert these kinds of boundaries, but the fact is that if there is resistance on accepting your boundaries, then you know those family members are part of the problem impeding your recovery. It means they are undermining your assertive learning process, and your safety. They are putting their needs above yours, which is not acceptable. You are allowed to put your health above anything else, even at the holidays. You are allowed to put yourself first.
Many trauma survivors have an instinct to protect other people from their pain. Something happened to you and it is not your fault. You letting your family in to that pain is not your fault either. Recovery is easier with support, and family respecting your boundaries is a big step in recovery.
Everyone's experiences are different and I know that these words will be hard to hear for some of you. So if they are too much right now, it's ok to let them sit until next year, brewing in the back of your mind until you're ready.
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Great topic for today.
I'd say the thing that helped me get through the holidays is focusing on my accomplishments and how far I have come and my future goals and choosing to believe that I can achieve them. I also accepted that my family doesn't have the capacity to understand what I'm going through and that it is too stressful to try to force them to understand, so if someday they understand, great, but if not surrounding myself with people who do understand is what I'm going to aim for. I also set goals, realistic goals for 2019 to look forward to.
@InvaderStitch great job stitch
@InvaderStitch
Same with the family will never understand part. For me I just had to say whether you understand it or not, this is the way it's going to be. You can either accept that and have a relationship with me, or you can not accept it and never speak to me again. It's so ahrd to lay those kinds of laws down, especially to your family, but the fact is that if they truly love you and want what's best for you, then putting your needs first for once should not be so hard.
@Hoxenos perfect topic for today hox and grats again on getting STM for team going to be a pleasure working alongside you
i just gamed or watched movies utilising my coping methods taking that highly needed self care from leading discussions has been a huge recharge although my tough month/reminders arent over the recharge was needed so i can when jan 1st hitys get back into my discussions for as long as im able too but when i need a recharge again i know the community will back me until the tough months have at least passed
@CaringBrit
For sure, your health is the utmost importance and I'm really happy that you were able to look at that and know your limits during this time. I'm realy proud of you for putting yourself first and doing what you needed to do <3
Thanks again Brit :3
@Hoxenos same as everyone else in this community matters xd
when your not ready to speak up when you see this lime and deal when your not ready too we wont force you its when you feel ready we are more than happy just sitting with you in quiet a light conversation etc hiding in forts my first trauma discussion back for adults should be 6th jan teen trauma 8th jan since the 1st is far too quick to get me re plugged in
@CaringBrit ❤️
@crimsonLime6525 heyy there lime
@Hoxenos
Great post...thanks so much.
This year, I got a last-minute appointment w my counselor just before the holidays, which has been quite helpful. He suggested giving myself permission to wait to deal with certain issues until the holidays pass, if nothing urgent happens that the require immediate attention. That has helped.
I have been coming on 7cups and talking to a great listener.
I definitely appreciate as much support as I can get at the momemt, so any additional options would be appreciated.
@ReallyRuth
Sending safe hugs if OK
@pioneeringBanana1598
Thanks so much!!!
@ReallyRuth
That's a great idea, allowing yourself a break while you handle the holidays. Sometimes it's just about managing when you know times will be hard instead of actively working on recovery all the time. It's like the resource management that we've spoken about in the past. Therapy and 7cups are great resources. Perhaps some little pick me ups like positive self talk and relaxation exercises could help get through some of the harder moments as well.
@Hoxenos
Thank you. I am also trying to let myself be tired and rest.
Hello.
I consider myself very fortunate in that I have a really supportive family. They dont always understand, definitely my dad doesnt, but theyre really good at being respect full and supporting me the way that I need to be supported.
@pioneeringBanana1598
I do emdr and would recommend it if they say it is a good match for you
@ReallyRuth
same here and its really painful sometimes!
@wittyEyes5762
Yes, it is...but it seems worth it.
@pioneeringBanana1598 This sounds wonderful! I see so many victories here. You asked about something you were unsure about, you were able to structure your own time instead of relying on outside structures to guide you, and you tackled things on your to do list that are super old. Each of these things is no small victory, but a big one! With the EMDR quetion, whether it works out or not, you are being an active participant in your recovery. You are taking control back into your life. Creating your own structure is a huge step in recovery because it's another way we are trying to control our lives and circumstances. Like you said, it can be dangerous sometimes because you'll end up spiraling. Like perhaps even the mere thought of making your own tasks and schedule is overwhelming. But you did it, you were able to prioritize and initiate tasks, that's amazing! Tackling things that have sat on a to do list for a year have a lot of weight behind them. Eventually I find that the guilt of not doing them can make them extra un-startable. But you looked at those tasks and said you're going to do them anyway. I bet there's a huge feeling of relief right now and you deserve some big self love for how you've handled yourself lately <3
@Hoxenos
I love this post. It was well said and I agreed with every word.
Your words validated what I am going through now and how I have been feeling about these issues.
@emotionalMaple9419
I'm really glad, Maple. We all deserve respect and people obeying our boundaries. Especially if it's for our health. You're strong and you can do this <3
Hi, a day late on this, but thanks hoxenos for the reminder about family boundaries. i'm not able to fully stand up and be honest with my family yet. honestly, i think im a little afraid to because of what it was like when i was a kid, i felt very alone and unsupported and there was such a culture of secrecy in my family that is really hard to break through.
i can really relate to denying your own trauma becuase you want to protect your family. i wasn't allowed to express or even feel my pain because it would make the family look bad. and for years i denied i was even abused because i wanted to protect the person that did it. admitting it has been a good first step but i still sometimes want to minimize it. i even find myself now wanting to run away from the trauma and hide like i have in the past. so i'm kind of forcing myself to write this post so i stay in touch and deal with the difficult emotions, because i really want to get past this.
@crimsonSpruce612
You are brave and strong for writing this post. I totally understand that minimizing feeling, but it sounds like you're taking real steps to move past and through a lot of these negative things. Whatever you choose to do in your recovery, whatever feels right to you at each step, I just hope that you remember to prioritize yourself and remind yourself that you deserve to be happy. I know that boundaries and stress with family can be tough and you'll make a lot of compromises, not all of them the best possible outcome for yourself, but as long as it'll make you happy in the long run, I think you can feel good about any progress you make to that goal <3 You're doing it, listening to yourself, probably more than is immediately visible, and that's no small thing.
@Hoxenos
Thanks hoxenos. your words are always so inspiring, insightful and helpful 
