Traumatic Experiences Daily Check In - Monday May 29th 2017
It's an extra holiday day here in the UK, so I've just been out for a picnic, hence the late check in. As per extra holiday days, it was raining, but I shivered gamely throughout the experience, as I ate my slightly limp sandwich. Now back home in the warmth - it sure is good to be home!
However you're spending your day, I hope you get a chance to do something that makes you happy.
@DeborahUK
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@DeborahUK
I'm taking today off from working and am just enjoying being outside in the beautiful weather. So you won't really see me around unless I decide to check in again later today. :)
@KristenHR Well enjoy your time off Kristen and enjoy the weather.
@sujaypai
The weather turned out to be beautiful and I ended up being outside for several hours. I much enjoyed my day, thank you. :) <3
@KristenHR
Enjoy!
@MKJart
Thanks so much MK! It was a wonderful relaxing time. :D
@KristenHR
I hope that relaxation is just the tonic you need :)
@DeborahUK
Deborah, it was so good for me - soul and physically. I needed a day of downtime. :D
Today's Memorial Day here, and since my birthday always falls near Memorial Day, we're celebrating my birthday today like every year. We're grilling up one of my favorites, Salsa Chicken. It's supposed to be nice out so the plan is to stay outside most of the day. It's gonna be small because health issues are keeping four of my grandparents away, so that kinda sucks. But one of my grammas will still be there. I'll be out of bed and actually being active today, so hopefully that doesn't make my pain worse. My family doesn't even know I've been going to doctors for anything, and the aunt that will be here today is against the public aid I receive, so I'd like to continue keeping it from them if I can. Also I'm pretty sure the parade is passing by right now, cuz I just realized that's probably what all the slow moving sirens are lol
@BeeLeigh
Have a great party. I hope you have some resprite from the pain today. Do you have anyone that can support you in the tests and healing?
@BeeLeigh
Hope you're having a good birthday celebration!
@themainjane @MKJart
Thank you both! I got the party I requested several years in a row. The cups and ice party from FRIENDS. I'm not very fond of my brother's girlfriend, but this was her idea, and she pretty meticulously put everything together. My pain didn't go away. But I also couldn't take anything for it because we made "adult" snow cones today, so I stayed away from painkillers. Kinda sucked, but my party was fun :)
My mother is back in emergency with one of her periodic heart a-fibrillation episodes. Trying not to panic. This is a massive trigger for me, for a variety of reasons. She first went in hospital back in March, and I was at her side the entire time. The experience (which I won't go into detail about because...I just can't) seriously accelerated decompensation of my trauma symptoms. Since then, she's been back in hospital several times, but it's been over a month since the last episode occurred.
For both our sakes, I haven't been able to go with her to the hospital since that first time. It doesn't do her any good to see me tremoring in a full dissociative state. But I also feel guilty, completely ashamed because I SHOULD be there for her.
I just can't.
Most of all, I feel helpless, unable to do anything to help. Forced by circumstance to place her life in the hands of others, to wrestle with uncertainty, all the myriad what-ifs provoked by this kind of crisis scenario. In past instances, i have been sent down a spiral of panic attacks and extreme health anxiety and hyper-vigilant overthinking and insomnia and physiological manifestations and and and...I'm terrified.
Period.
I don't know how to process any of it without breaking my brain. Shattered. Any and all manner of support would be greatly appreciated.
Trying to keep breathing. And wait. And not fall to pieces again.
@melliotm Update: the medication worked quickly, putting her heart back to a normal rhythm almost immediately. No electro cardioversion required this time. A very good sign, proof that ongoing treatment has been effective in strengthening her heart despite the occasional episode -- she can go home very soon.
Now to channel that rational message of hope to my overloaded sympathetic nervous system...
@melliotm
I really have no idea what to say about this but I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and how her health (or lack thereof) is affecting you, and I'm glad to read this update. I hope your nervous system will calm down soon. 
@hereigoagain thank you.
@melliotm
I'm so happy to hear the medicine worked quickly. Take care of you in this. Sounds like your mom understands Ok, but I see how that can feel bad to you. As you pointed out, it doesn't do either of you any good for you to put yourself in that situation. How can you mitigate the guilt of not being able to go? You can't do what you can't do. Does your mom have someone else that goes with her?
@MKJart she has support, yeah, which I'm grateful for. Is more an arbitrary sense of obligation on my part, as her only son. She completely understands though and wants me to take care of myself.
Anyway. She's back home again. Reassuring me via IM that everything is fine, the medication worked almost immediately, etc.
So I'm doing my best to take that to heart -- and to keep breathing deeply.
Not fighting the feels, just trying to feel them in context, as opposed to amplifying them to crisis proportion: even though it was unnerving, upsetting and triggering, it's over now. Everything is ok. And it's still ok for me to not be ok.
That's what blanket forts are for. :)
@melliotm
So glad to hear that things worked out for the best and that her heart is strengthening.
I hope your system gets the message soon: crisis averted. 🙂❤
I don't think I could even deal if something happened to my mother. Sorry this was so scary. Look on the bright side though - - things worked out!!
@themainjane Thanks, Jane -- yeah, just gotta keep the hyper-vigilance at bay. Make sure the truth drowns out the distortion. Everything is ok. Gonna repeat that ad nauseum until my parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and overrides my misfiring amygdala.
Everything is OK.
@melliotm
I like the sound of that mantra.
@DeborahUK
Have a great time.
Insomnia all night, slept all day, woke up to Feeling Sorry For Yourself Day. Oh well.
@hereigoagain
How's it going? Those days are tough. Are you able to allow yourself to just feel it without judgement or does it cause you to feel guilty?
@MKJart
Well it looks like the remaining events of Feeling Sorry For Yourself Day have been postponed due to unexpected turns for the positive o.O Until recently I didn't think those still existed...
@hereigoagain
Feeling Sorry For Yourself days are best left behind if at all possible.
Loving the sound of the upturn. Long may it continue :)
@DeborahUK
I'm already bracing myself for the inevitable downturn because experience... but thanks 
@hereigoagain
I get that. Try not to anticipate a downturn though. Try to just do things that you know make you happy. Recognize the downfall when it inevitably happens, but don't just wait for it because that will sap the happiness from the good days.
Great day so far.
Since a breakfast date with a friend was cancelled, I was able to get some of the things done on my large list for tomorrow. It was actually a gift that she wasn't feeling well and need to cancel.
Now I can enjoy the sunshine. Here in Mexico it's a long weekend as well, due to Saint Micheal's Day.
Happy holidays to all of you,
Mary
@MKJart
And happy holiday to you too! I need some of your drive or a kickstart to get me going on my to-do list. : )
@DeborahUK
@DeborahUK
I have bad habit to presure myself to much. But feel better than used too.. I am fine actually...
Today I'm avoiding obligations and feeling guilty about it (as I should be).
Last night my sister and niece unexpectedly came to town. I was supposed to go visit with them. I didn't. I was hungover but the truth is I might not have gone anyway.
Theres no avoiding it tonite as my Dad has already spoken to my husband and we're supposed to be there about 7p.
I assume my sister is still here. She makes me nervous and seeing my little niece is bittersweet. I always think my husband is blaming me for us not having children.
I don't want to be around anyone. I wish I didn't feel this way but it's the truth. I've got to get it together.
Never heard from my counselor.
@themainjane
Too tired to think of anything reasonable to say (who knows, maybe I'll even manage to sleep), but
@themainjane How did family visits go? <3
@themainjane (Remember, no matter what, Everything is OK. Including not being ok.)