Traumatic Experiences community daily check in: November 22, 2018 (American thanksgiving)
Hello Trauma Support Community! Checking in with you all from the back of the car on the way to my destination. I have a special message I want you all to hear. I know today for a lot of you it is Thanksgiving and I want you to know that we are here for you as holidays can hit hard sometimes for us. So if you need support today or even a little extra than usual do let us know.
Some questions for those who are stuck for words.
Whats your favorite food?
Whats one thing you are thankful for about this year?
What do you want this year?
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Hey guys!
In May, I was in the Santa Fe school shooting. It was early in the morning, it seemed it was right after our Pledge of Allegiance. The fire alarm went off and my class filed outside, panicked. Then, gunshots. Terrified, we ran back into our classroom, the art room, the room where the most people were shot. A lot of my classmates and I sprinted to the back door. Locked. I was pushed into the ceramics room where I hid in the closet. The shooter, Dimitrios Pagourtiz, came into our classroom, whistling. Every time he killed someone, he sang "Another one bites the dust." Dimitrios yelled "Surprise mfs!" and shot through the glass of the door leading to the ceramics room. Overall, 4 people were killed in the art room. 10 people were killed overall.
This is the worst experience I have ever had in my life. I am still struggling with flashbacks and PTSD attacks. But I want you all to know, you're not alone. You can do this. It gets better. You have o pass through the storm to get to the rainbow.
@PizzaRollsQueen
oh that sounds like a horrible experience! Being in that situation is always so traumatizing. So glad youre here ! And you are right! No one is alone here.
@PizzaRollsQueen
*gentle hugs* I can't even imagine that situation, but I do know what it means to be scared for your life and I am sorry that you've been through something so horrific. You sound beautifully strong and welcome to Trauma :) Lovely to have you here, and you are correct we are not alone <3
@SouthernFlame
Hey :) I am in the UK so just a normal day for me, but I think I am doing okay today. Maybe better than yesterday? Yesterday was a very dissociated day to be honest. Migraine and just generally feeling out of body. I've been feeling it more and more recently but I don't know whats up. I don't know if anyone else struggles with this but I keep feeling that what I went through isn't enough to cause so much instablity for so long. I've been on this site for years and I am much better but... still.
I feel like every time I've been abused or assaulted noones ever crossed this line that makes me feel sure of what it is, or maybe they only crossed it a few times out of pure anger and every other time they were just playing me. I keep excusing people and thinking maybe they didn't know. I will never know what they are thinking so I just have to accept its consequences for myself and move on. I'm finding that hard. I dunno sorry I didn't expect myself to ramble lol. I guess I don't feel I've been damaged enough to feel this damaged years and years later. I feel stupid and foolish, I am sure everyones bored of me and my story now (I sure am) and yet I still feel a compulsive need to speak about it which I hate. I want to hide it and forget about it. I wish the stuff thats happened didn't feel like such a defining feature of being me. But then its been decades of my life so who knows.
Sorry for my random rambling mess. Guess I'm not feeling as okay as I thought I was lol.
@Lilibuth12
hey hugs! Thank you for checking in with us today! Definitely not tired from hearing from you
@Lilibuth12
I'm happy you decided to ramble today. Sometimes it's what you need. I know it can be really frustrating to feel like you need to talk but not feeling like you got what you needed out of it. Sort of like eating a ton of popcorn and it doesn't fill you up. Perhaps you are not asking yourself the right questions to hit the right spot? It sounds a bit, from what you've said, that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed because lately a ton of small things are starting to add up. Perhaps you fall into habits of minimising what happened and giving excuses to people... and even though they are smaller things, perhaps doing those reactionary things triggers negative feelings and dissociation because that is what your brain thinks that it leads to. Perhaps you are repeating cycles without meaning to and little by little it's catching up? That's just a theory, but I think no matter what, something important is happening here. You are listening to your emotions, you know something is wrong, and you're trying to head it off before something happens. And hopefully you will be able to, but my point is that being able to identify when something is wrong is the first step to being able to address it. So this is a good thing, and I think you should be proud of yourself :)
@Lilibuth12
I also used to feel like what I went through didnt justify how upset I was. Then I realized that there is no right or wrong way to respond to trauma. As long as youre trying youre doing awesome. Also, I dont know if this is true for you or not, but sometimes it was my brains way of trying to deny how bad what happened was. Convinced myself that it was no big deal and I was being overly dramatic so therefore I shouldnt be so upset. Turns out theres no right or wrong way to respond to trauma. We cant really help the way our brains and our bodies respond. Kudos to you for continuing to try for years and not giving up. Keep up the good work!
Not okay. I don't like holidays. I can't keep doing this.
@practicalIdeal2007
sorry youre not ok! How can we help?
@SouthernFlame
I don't know how anyone can help. I'm not trying to be difficult, I really don't know. I'm at the end of my rope. It's days like today that remind me how meaningless my life is. How meaningless and pathetic I am.
@practicalIdeal2007
i see. I just want you to know we are here for you.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi Ideal,
Holidays can be tough for a lot of trauma survivors because family can bring up old hurts, and also because boundary breaking is pretty common within family atmospheres. Some feel they have the right to invade and have opinions on everything. Or that they know what's best.
Outside of family influences, sometimes it means revisiting a triggering location (like a house you grew up in or a hometown in general where a trauma occured) and sometimes it means... the fear of falling into habits you thought you were free of. Holidays can remind us of our worst memories of ourselves.
Perhaps talking about why holidays are tough for you will help you through the next few days? I know that knowing the "why" isn't always helpful, but perhaps it would be for this. Remember you're free to think about it or not, whatever you think is best for you <3
@Hoxenos
This particular holiday is hard because I am alone. Each year for 11.5 months I have very limited contact with my family. I make the jouney to go see them only for Christmas, which is by far my least favorite time of the year. I have to go spend time in the house where it all started and that's something I don't want to think too much about today.
Today I am reminded that there isn't really anybody in my life. If I were to disappear there wouldn't be anybody to notice. I'm nothing to anyone but an annoyance. Even here I feel like nothing more than an annoyance. A bother, a person who isn't capable of basic connection and therefore not worth the time.
@practicalIdeal2007
Ideal, you are definitely not an annoyance or a burden, especially not here. I want to hear your story, I want you to feel you can be open. I want you to be free to be you.
I relate with the lonliness you feel. I've always struggled having friends. I'm very flaky and always assumed people had "better" people to hang out with than me. It's not a normal social interaction to ask someone to do something "because I genuinely want to spend time with you." It's unusual to receive these kinds of assurances, and it feels awkward to ask for them. I feel like maybe to save our feelings we isolate ourselves when we're not sure if someone actually enjoys our company or not. And if we don't enjoy our own company, then why would someone else?
Something I learned a few years ago was that I really identified with my illnesses. I am an abuse victim. Everything about myself came down to that. Came back to my depression, anxiety, PTSD, and dissociation. I saw symptoms as personality traits. But... they really aren't. You are not a sad person. You are a person who feels sad - and there is a difference. It may be difficult to see who you are without your illness right now, but I assure you it's in there, and other people can see it even if you can't.
@Hoxenos
Thank you. I've never shared my story. I've shared an extremely watered down version, but not what gives me nightmares, makes me afraid of people and drives me into isolation. I know it's got to be frustrating attempting to understand someone, when you don't know what the issue is. I have a hard time trusting people, and an equally hard time facing the shame and guilt associated with what happened.
It seems as if this disjointed disaster is me. I have autism. Finding the line between what is autism and what is something else is difficult. Is that fact that I can't stand to be touched a symptom of autism? Or a symptom of abuse? Or both? There are many different things that could be either/or/and. I do realize that some of it is definitely the PTSD and dissociation.
@practicalIdeal2007
I have a similar problem. I never knew I had autism definitively until I was in therapy for my abuse, and certain symptoms weren't getting better. For me, I have sensory overload very very easily. I used to think that it was just sudden loud noises a la PTSD, but when my other symptoms abated, certain ones stayed behind. Turns out to be very mild autism.
I guess the only way to know is to look at common symptoms and know that there is a CHANCE that it is because of illnesses/conditions. Maybe not completely give it over to it, because without evidence I know that's hard to admit. But perhaps just entertaining the idea that it's not your personality because of x y z might help for now.
I'm sorry that you haven't had an experience yet where you were able to trust enough to open up. It is way harder than people who have not been through trauma really realize I think. Because mental illness has some stigma, but trauma survivors also have to fight the shame and guilt that we internalize about what happened. That we should have fought harder, or done more to protect ourselves. I know how scary it can be to let someone in, because they might agree with those negative thoughts...
All I'll say is that... whatever you say about what happened, I will believe you. Whatever you want to share, I will be here to listen. Perhaps in some time when you know me better and are more comfortable, I will be here.
@Hoxenos
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
@practicalIdeal2007
I completely understand, I dont like holidays either. Around this time of year I always get very emotional.. i seriously hate it. Today so far ive been laying in bed all day, overthinking. If you ever want to talk to someone who can relate, im here.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi Ideal.
You're not meaningless or pathetic. We would notice if you were not here. I would be sad. You are important & you matter.
Safe hugs if ok.
@pioneeringBanana1598
thank you
My favorite food is soups and pasta. Soup with pasta in it? For the Gods. I'm thankful for how much I've grown this year. I really, truly feel different. I feel better. I hope for Christmas everyone is happy and healthy and loved, and I usually don't want material things anymore as I get older, but this year I hope I get some nice headphones!
@betterchoices
thank you for checking in! I hope you get everything you want!
@SouthernFlame Thank you! You too! You guys are so attentive in replying to folks, I'm very impressed.
@betterchoices
you are welcome! Hugs!!!
@betterchoices Does this mean that chicken noodle soup is just like... top shelf soup for you then??
I'm glad that this year you've felt better. You know, something we always talk about in recovery is that you can't compare to yesterday, only to last month, last year, 5 years ago. It takes conscious effort to look that far back and really admit to yourself the progress you've made, so great job!! That's no little thing!
@Hoxenos Homemade chicken noodle is pretty rad, but I think an Italian wedding is more up my alley! Also, thank you so much for your support. I never knew that therapeutic proverb-- that you can't compare recent past, only ancient past-- but it makes a lot of sense and takes a lot of weight off my shoulders to remember. Thank you so much for your continued kindness.
Whats your favorite food? pizza, mac & cheese, or any thanksgiving food
Whats one thing you are thankful for about this year? my friends and my dog
What do you want this year? love and support, and also to be truly happy with myself
@sunnyAcai8948 Pizza and mac and cheese, you are speaking my language!! What kind of dog do you have?
Interesting day today. Morning was pretty good. Got a nice long nap in the afternoon. That was awesome. Did get some things accomplished after that but then started not feeling so good. Evening was much better than expected. Even got to work out a misunderstanding with a good friend of mine who I felt kind of rejected or unwanted by but that wasnt the case at all. Nice conversation with her made me feel much better. Was feeling so relaxed and calm that it started making me anxious. He even realize I was looking forward to some the things that I am going to do tomorrow. Cant remember the last time that happened for just an ordinary day today activity. Very good.
Then just had some flashbacks. Kind of intense. My mom helped me through them. Its a lot. Still trying to process. So tired. Thanks for support from this community.
Whats your favorite food? Lasagna, but at thanksgiving is turkey
Whats one thing you are thankful for about this year? 7 cups and patient family
What do you want this year? 2018, good bday and holiday 2019, New place with cats
Hey everyone 💜💜
I read everyone's post and what i see is we all can relate in some way to not wanting to go back to our familys problems or related trauma on a day of thanksgiving
Or that this time can remind us of a time where we had lack of security
You all have gone through so much stuff I can't even imagine you are really strong for being here and refusing to let yourself be alone
It really helps me to know I'm not at all the only one who begrudges family gatherings, that this time reminds me of the bad past, and I can feel alone
It sounds like most or all of you are from the US so idk for everyone but I can understand more stress and anxiety from our political, economic, domestic , environmental or societal situations
Frankly I'm surprised we got this far and good things have still happened
But that's like a lot of my life so it's good to see ppl from different areas and ages pushing forward
2018 for me has been a giant sometimes traumatic stressful year but it's also had a lot of good memories that can override the bad
This holiday to me also reminds me of the trauma of the past with our nation's history , on so many innocent people and it's overwhelming just to think about so I can't imagine having to still carry that pain
I want to help as much as I can alleviate that pain for ppl but I think a lot of ppl who want to do the same don't know how
All I know to do right now is to have kindness and understanding and hope
No matter what century or country or family we are in
@wittySpruce8187
I relate with a lot of what you said. I used to have panic attacks come Christmas time and I thought for a long time that it was school stress, until Irealized it meant spending time with my family. I would often offer to work Christmas Eve and boxing day as an excuse to not go home. Eventually, once when I identified these feelings, I had to make boundaries with them. Two years ago for Christmas was the first time I spent the holiday completely alone. It was very isolating, and I spent some time contemplating regret over my decisions. But I know I had done the right thing. I decided that I wanted to create new traditions without them, start my own life, free from the bargaining I feel I constantly have to do with my family, explaining my boundaries and calculating how much of them I can handle.
Do you have any traditions for te holidays that you've reclaimed for yourself?
@Hoxenos
I really liked your post & thank you that's a good question
Hm i dont really know what could be my tradition bc all I've known is my family's so far
The only thing I do is tell everyone I know that celebrates happy-whatever day, try to see whats going on in the world, and usually pray and sleep
Most of the traditions go from my mom and her family and I want to be able to be in those as long as possible
The only thing from my father's side is drinking bc we are Italian it's actually a nice time
Thanksgiving was a hard day, I know this is from over a month ago, but this is the last time I saw my friend alive. I still remember what she was wearing and the smile on her face. I miss her a lot.