Abused as a Child Effects Relationships as an Adult
As a child, were you hit, yelled at, threatened or put down frequently? Ignored or emotionally neglected? Children in these situations, such as myself, become accustomed to it so they eventually consider it a normal way parents are supposed to treat their children. But what the child doesn't know is that it will effect them emotionally and mentally when they get older. No parent is supposed to play mind games with their child or physically abuse them. I wasn't just spanked for my mistakes, my mother would beat my little brother and I until we were bruised. How can it effect a person as an adult? Ask yourself these questions:
Do you having trouble finding friends and lovers? And once you do, do they dump on you, take advantage of you, or leave?
Are you always doing for others, but no on returns the favor?
Do you distrust and fear others?
Are you still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up/career path as you get older?
Are you abusive to your kids or afraid to have kids b/c you fear you will be like your parent(s)?
Do you have difficulty with intimacy?
Do you have a difficult relationship w/your parent(s), feeling uncomfortable around them all the time or do you make constant efforts to please them and feeling like you will never succeed?
Abuse of any kind effects children, and the after effects can show up immediately or later in life. I am currently experiencing it now at 30 years old. When I was in my early 20's, I knew partially my mistakes and carelessness was caused by the fact I had no reliable and loving parent to talk to, but now at 30, it is really hurting me. It has also effected my choice in men and relationships which is not healthy either. My mother was so mentally abusive, she depicted men as useless creatures who were good for nothing but procreation. My outlook on men was very negative so I chose the wrong type of men my entire life. I chose the type of men that my mom depicted my father to be, which was not very good. I hope somebody can partially relate to this, but make a difference w/themselves sooner than I did. You don't have to let the abuse from your childhood haunt you and/or follow you. You can move on and have a happy life. I am still working on that, but at least I know the problem now. :)
Yes, absolutely. Growing up I had NO idea it'd affect me that much, but I believe my.. unpleasant experience during the childhood plays a huge part in why I distrust love or very indifferent in relationship in general. Sometimes I feel bad for "blaming" the past/other people for my own issues, but still..
@moonchild29 I had no idea either. I had a lot of goals and ambition when I was a kid/teen, but my mother always criticized every little thing I did and eventually I got tired of it and just gave up. Every child wants to make their parents proud, but when you have a parent that always makes you feel like you'll never be good enough, you will start to look at yourself that way! I never learned how to express my feelings either b/c my mother is so mean and now I am married and trying to learn how to be more emotional and vulnerable. Very sad, right? Well I hope some of my sharing of my situation helps you. You are not the only one, but you are not a bad person and this is not the end. I fixated on the past a lot also, but it drags you down. Focus on the future and what you want to do better and some goals and dreams. And DO NOT criticize yourself. You are beautiful inside and out. :)
@TransAm85 Thank you for this thoughtful post that so well describes what so many of us went through and how it effects us now. I'm glad you are working on healing even though it's a work in progress, good for you.
@PenguinPower31 It is indeed a work in progress! I am also trying to work on expressing my feelings and vulnerability. Growing up, my brothers and I did not show feelings unless we were pretending to feel sorry for our mother when she wanted pity. Everything revolved around her and that may be another reason I developed co dependant tendencies. Any idea how to resolve those issues as well?
I was always very aware of this growing up, and then my knowledge increased further when I came to study Psychology. I have managed to deny every impulse in my body to fit this norm, and break free in to "healthy" territory.... but I can honestly say it's not an experience I would wish on others!
@Arabellah It took me a long time to figure out that a lot of my problems were due to my childhood experiences. I knew my mother wasn't mentally stable, but she liked to use the term "disabled" as a justified excuse for sympathy. She had a rough childhood herself, but using her children as a crutch for the damage done to her is wrong. She lied to me as well about a lot of things when I was young. Now she is alone in a assisted living complex and she constantly calls me for money and help and to visit b/c she's lonely .. I feel like I have to help her b/c it's still my mother, but I cannot stand her!
@TransAm85
I think that feeling, that guilt you feel belongs to you, is normal. She is the one person in this world you are biologically programmed to love, and there isn't a lot that can ever break that bond. Despite the abuse throughout your life.
Show her a kindness she never showed you, show her a kindness you learned the hard way, show her a kindness you know BECAUSE of her, not FROM her. Not because she is your Mother, not even because she is blood, but because you are a decent person and you know the cruelties of life. You know what it is to feel neglected and broken. You know what it is to feel like you are so out of place, you are uncomfortable in your own skin.. don't allow others to ever feel that pain if you can help it. ❤
They say... 'an eye for an eye and the world goes blind'
Now go eat some cookies, drink some tea and show the world some love
X x X