Confession: I was abused and brought into a prostitution ring
I "fell in love" with a man who would later become my pimp... I was young and naive, and I thought that he was the best; that him thinking it was hot when other men had sex with me was "sweet" and "endearing". I thought that when he "shared" me with these "friends", it was because he was proud to have me and was showing me off... but when I realized I wasn't the only one, that he treated the other girls in the house the same way, I was too deep. I had to deal with having men that weren't my "boyfriend", whose NAMES I didn't even know, repeatedly invade my body and rape me every day. I had to suffer through physical trauma to my internal organs, along with all the bruises,black eyes, and fractured bones I received when I didn't perform an act a certain way. I ended up escaping this life, but not after I was scarred and had to witness many crimes including the murder of a man still laying on top of me, violating my body. My former pimp has recently been killed in prison, and while this brings me some comfort it brings me so much fear. I worry my past life will catch up to me somehow, even though it's been years and I am now planning my future. I feel like I can't escape my sex-worker past, and I feel worthless every day. Having sex with the man I'm going to marry is so difficult thanks to my PTSD... nothing makes me feel worse than rethinking all of the "clients" I had to entertain just to be able to eat dinner and not be abused further. I wish I could take it all back.
@Kittycat99
Dear friend, please connect with me for support at https://www.7cups.com/@Pious
@Kittycat99
I am sorry to hear about what you experienced in your past. I can only imagine how hurtful and harmful it was to discover that someone you loved, thought loved you back, and who you thought you could trust ended up using you and letting others use you as well. I'm glad to hear you've broken away from this life; while the trauma and memories live on, I hope that as time goes on you will be able to heal more and more.
I think I get what you mean when you say that your former pimp's death brings mixed emotions. It's like, you know that in a sense he can't possibly hurt you anymore, but it's still a change from what you were trying to get used to, and that can be unsettling. Is that right?
I hope that the person you are with now is understanding and supportive through your PTSD, and that they can be a good ally when times are especially tough. I also hope that you are able to continue moving forward and are able to have a different life in the future.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know how hard it can be to open up about such intimate details, and I admire your bravery.
I understand this must be hard. But thats over and your going to get married!!!!