Emotional Abuse?

@NewJay47

I read everything what all you have written. I can help surely help you in this matter. However, I have some questions in mind regarding this matter unanswered. So if you could connect with me through live chat, we can definitely come up with some solution and a definite action plan.

Please connect me here - https://www.7cups.com/@Pious

@NewJay47

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

Hello Everyone! My name is Jay. I'm in a relationship with a girl named Lucy. She and I have been together for 2 years and 3 months. In the beginning, I treated her very badly. (It does sounds like things didn't start out well between the two of you, i do feel that you didn't treat her properly, but also its to sabotage things in a way where you can gain space away from her). I was involved in other relationships and made her wait a year before dating me. I was afraid of hurting her with my inability to settle, (At the time afraid of being hurt involves afraid of closeness, perhaps not wanting something serious in case you might get hurt). but I was mostly still in a childish state of mind, believing that I needed to check out more fish that were in the sea. She witnessed as I began to get hurt by each and every girl I took the time to date. When she finally did get a chance to be with me, I cheated on her with an ex that cheated on me. (Cheating on someone can definetly be heartbreaking on the other person, it does seems like your needs were not met on this relationship or perhaps you wanted to feel loved, or maybe she was trying to gain so much closeness to the point this was your only way to push her away) I wasn't completely free of my bad relationship habits. (It seems like your were not able to heal from past relationships which those issues are carrying over to the newer ones).I told her things such as "I don't deserve you, I need to be alone. I don't think this can work." In the moment I truly felt this way, but we stayed together nonetheless.

As the relationship progressed, her past pains began to rise. (Her past pains begin to rises, but also your past began to rise, so the both of you triggered each other constantly, which made the relationship toxic and unhealthy). I started having to deal with the backlash of a physically abusive relationship she had dealt with just months prior to us dating. (It is very alarming that she stayed in physical abusive relationships, this tells me she has some sort of attachment trauma, where in her family both or one parent went through physical abuse, so for her this kind of relationships feel normal. She also was probably afraid of being alone, wanting to feel loved and adored). When she didn't get her way, she would get angry and become very condescending. (This tells me she also had some sort of attachment trauma, this is similar to how children get their needs met. She probably had a lot of unmet needs that she projected on you, so if you didn't met them then she would get mad at you on an attempt to make you do what she wants) The condescending remarks made me grow very angry with her and do the same thing back. (In here you both have unmet needs, unreasonable expectations so you both are seeking to punish each other, not communicating effectivetly on a loving and kind way). I always threatened to leave out of her house because "I didn't have to deal with any of this." (This is a way to make her do what you want, to force her hand in a way, and to also gain space from her) She would try to hold on to me physically to make sure I didn't leave,(The reason she tried to hold you physically was because she didn't want you to go yes, but also because she felt separation anxiety, didn't want to feel alone, didn't want to deal with the pain and hurt of a breakup) and there were moments where I actually punched her to make her let me go. (That's not cool at all...) I never left. (It was pretty much to make her do what you want, its manipulative) I would apologize and she would forgive me. This is the same process that happened in her previous relationship.

The condescension between the both of us began to grow worse. (You both have separate issues, so now the both of you are triggering each other far worst now than before). I began to surrender more control, (This tells me you were afraid to lose her) not expressing the things I want to truly say to her to the fullest. (This probably has to do with the fear of how she would react, to avoid drama, conflicts and to keep things on a peaceful way, but it was eating you up inside. A lot of resentment probably grew inside of you). She began to withdraw certain statements for fear that I would overreact and turn into the monster that used to beat on her. (This is not good, you both are afraid to communicate with each other. You are afraid of her anger, she is afraid you would beat her up so theres no trust and communication in here. This relationship its very toxic and unhealthy for you and her). I make claims to her that I have changed and I don't get that angry anymore, (You probably said this to either not lose her, to reduce her anger, or something else, but there's no way a change can be made that quickly, it was a way of manipulate your way in) but we dive headfirst into arguments and I lose emotional control and continue to be condescending. (This tells me theres a lot of anxiety here, problems understanding one another, not being able to soothe each other feelings, separate issues triggering each other, unmet needs playing a big role, anger issues, a lot of communication issues) I use the silent treatment and give her very intimidating stares as methods to reclaim some false sense of power. (This was your way of trying to manipulate and control her to make her do what you want, focusing on the fact you are mad to the point where there's no communication or understanding between each other).

This current day, she is basically the boss. I willingly allow her to control the finances and she makes alot of the calls towards progressing forward. (This tells me you gave your power away out of fear of her reactions, perhaps a fear of loss or wanting things to go smoothly although you are probably resenting it deep down. At first you were the one being controlling out of fear, and now she is the one controlling out of fear) Am I wrong for doing this? Is this going against what a man would normally do? Has emotional abuse cause my wife and I to switch roles? And most importantly -- Can I save this relationship that I want to be in so badly ? (No, you can't save this relationship. The both of you would need to go to therapy for awhile because at this point theres way too many issues between the two of you, too many red flags, and this relationship its too toxic and unhealthy)

I'm not proud of any of my actions. I'm very ashamed and hurt that I would make someone that I love have to experience something like this again. I'm only seeking help..

@NewJay47 It sounds like you both have put each other through quite a lot, both intentionally and unintentionally. To answer your question, yes it is possible to save this relationship but it will take a lot of time and a lot of effort from BOTH sides. You both would need to come to an understanding and commit to making this work by putting all of the unhealthy behaviours to a stop. It sounds like the emotional and sometimes physical problems have gotten worse and worse and you both have developed destructive habits in order to assert control in the relationship - the relationship should not be based on who has the upper hand. You both need to redefine yourselves as equals and both need to figure out separately if this is really what you both want - again, mending things will not be easy. Perhaps seeking therapy from a professional will definitely guide you in the right direction if you both decide to work on it, but from the sounds of it neither of you are happy right now and there needs to be a change. You both deserve to be happy, whether that is together or apart is ultimately up to you. Can you both really forgive one another for your past ways? Can you both stop the destructive behaviour and move forward from here? Either way, it will not be easy but at least you will hopefully be happy when you get past this. Hope this helps, you can feel free to message me directly and we can chat more. Take care.