I can’t go away

@ElderMaquia

Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so frustrated on your behalf, as no one deserves to be treated this way, especially by family who are supposed to respect and accept us.

Have you heard the term "gaslighting" before? To me, it sounds like they are doing this to you. Gaslighting includes repeating things that are wrong or trying to poke holes in your story so that you start to doubt your own mind and memories, and eventually may start to feel "crazy." The purpose of gaslighting is to maintain control over a person or to feel superior. Someone gaslights in an effort to maintain control of a relationship especially if they themselves feel out of control. It is a cruel and manipulative behaviour that is designed to undermine your sense of self, self-esteem, and autonomy. It causes you to feel like you have to rely on this other person, this in turn can give that person an inflated sense of confidence because of someone's reliance on them and their supposed "superiority."

The fact is that often people who feel the need to gaslight have a lot of insecurity and feel they cannot gain this level of respect without manipulation. They do what is refered to as projection, and put the negative things they see about themselves onto other people, normally because they are preoccupied thinking about these negative things about thsemselves. It is not fair for them to place these insecurities on other people, especially if they don't exist, because then the other person is in the place of doubting themselves, thinking that they are stupid or mean or unreliable when really it's the manipulator who are those things.

I think you're very accurate in calling this bullying. The classic idea of a bully is someone who needs other people to feel small for them to feel big. It sounds like your family does not know how to be happy within themselves, and need other people to be as unhappy as them.

Thank you again for reaching out, because the way to break this kind of thinking is to have people outside the group show you that you're not crazy. I don't know you well, but I have suffered from gaslighting before, and I know how fragile you can feel when you doubt so much of your own reality. It's hard not to blame ourselves for the treatment especially when the other person tells us it's our fault over and over. The fact is though, that it sounds like you're very aware of other people's feelings because of your treatment, and know that you wouldn't do this to other people. You know you deserve better than this.

I wish I could do more to help, I know that money is very difficult. Perhaps it would be worth talking to financial or school advisors that could help you sort out your home situation to practise some financial boundaries until you can remove yourself from the situation. Perhaps figuring out how you can start saving without making the situation psychologically worse is one of the first steps.

In a perfect world what do you want to do? How do you want to live your life? What would your life look like right now? Those dreams are definitely possible, but it requires one step at a time. What do you feel the biggest priority is that you would want to change first?