Parental Emotional Abuse and Boundry Violation

Wow, you must be really strong to deal with what you are going through. I respect you and your cultural values, but agree with you that your independence is very important and highly valuable. I would love to talk to you if you would like a one-on-one. It sounds like you are a very responsible woman who is looking to hold a balance in your life but finds frustrations as you make your way. There is not a lot of direct advice i can give you, however as i started I would love to talk to you and offer my direct support as a listener.

Hang in there.

I am here for you

Wow you have been through a lot. I can relate, I'm married with a baby now, and my parents are still controlling. But living with them was awful, I couldn't go out much with friends and I had a curfew. They were strict and didn't like my boyfriend, who is my husband now. Like you, my much older brother had freedom, because I'm asian and men have more freedom. Like your parents, my parents didn't tell anyone about my boyfriend. I don't blame you for needing to get out of your parents' house now and wanting to marry your boyfriend. Stay strong dear, and I hope that soon, you'll be able to move out of your parents. I'm sure it felt good to get this out.

Hi there! I had tears in my eyes as I read your post because I know that exact struggle. I am also from a middle eastern family, a strict, Christian, middle eastern family. I am 22 years old and yet they treat me like a child, exactly as you describe your parents.

I just got my first boyfriend and we've been dating for 8 months. I have told my parents about him from the start and ever since then, I have been having anxiety and anxiety attacks now and then when my mom says things like "If you don't marry within our culture then it will be the death of us."

So I totally get what you mean, and where you are coming from because I am dealing with the same thing. My cousin (my bestest friend) has gotten engaged recently (of course to someone who is within our culture) and on top of the shock and surprise I felt to hear that my best friend was suddenly engaged, my mom makes those comments like "you better marry a nice man from our culture so I can happy."

it's been making me feel guilty and anxious about being in love with my (Mexican) boyfriend. I have no intention of breaking up with him, in fact we want to get married one day. But we both worry how my parents will react because they are strict and middle eastern.

So I totally get where you're coming from and I just want you to know that I am in the same boat as you. You are not alone in this. Stand your ground and find your happiness, don't let others push you or tell you what will make you happy. You know what's best for you and us middle eastern girls need to take a stand.

I love my parents and I'm sure deep down you care for yours and I realize it's frustrating but if they truly love you and want you to be happy then time will heal all wounds and hopefully our parents can accept that we are independent women. Hang in there sister!

Dear @orangeGragefruit66, your situation sounds deeply frustrating and terribly sad. Every week, I chat with many members and guests whose parents hold vastly different views on how the children should live and constantly pressure their children to comply with the parent's values. This causes such awful pain!

This type of things seems to know no geographical boundaries; it happens in North America, South America, Europe, Australia -- parents who refuse to accept that their children are gay or lesbian, parents who try to force their children to accept the parents' religious beliefs, parents who judge and endlessly criticize their children's choices of mate, profession, child-rearing, etc. It is heart-breaking how intense the pain is.

Emotional coercion and financial coercion are common in these situations. The parents use every means of control they have. (From what I gather, it appears you're not being beaten or starved into submission, or forced into marriage with a man you don't want to marry. It appears that you're suffering very strict and unfair restrictions on your daily activities, constant pressure to conform, and emotional/.financial coercion while you await liberation.)

However, it appears that, in a few years, you will have the freedom to live the way you want to live -- as soon as you.and/or your boyfriend have sufficient money for you to be independent financially. I also have the impression that no matter what you say or do, your parents' opinions and actions will not change.

So, if this understanding is correct -- that you have done everything you reasonably can to change your parents' views, that you will have your freedom in about two years, and you are physically safe, and--then perhaps the best way to survive the next two years is to adapt, detach, and plan for the future.

In other words, the question could be: what can I do to be happy and have a good life while I work toward my independence? Or must I be miserable and wretched every day while I wait to leave and marry my beloved?

There is an old saying or prayer that I think may apply here: Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I think it's possible to be relatively happy while you plan for your freedom and work toward your independence. For example, I know men who are working hard for several years in countries far away from their beloved, trying to earn enough money to go back and marry. The pain of separation and living in poor conditions is very hard, but they are happy in the knowledge that someday they can marry. Their girlfriends also suffer from the separation, but they try to find daily happiness and peace while waiting for marriage.

Another example is parents who are dysfunctional due to alcohol or substance abuse, and the teenagers are subjected to constant emotional abuse and instability, and these teenagers are counting the days until they can be financially independent and leave the household.

Money gives a lot of power. It just does. It's a reality. People with economic power can often impose their wishes on others. Children who lack financial resources and who live in their parents' home are often imposed upon. Fortunately for you, there are good plans for you to get out in a few years! I'm so happy you have the opportunity to leave the oppressive household.

Would you be interested in talking about ways to detach emotionally from the manipulation, and ways to have more joy in life while planning for your future freedom?

If you are, there are many sources of information on that -- and I'd be very happy to talk with you about it. Just click on my name below and send me a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. However, I notice that my time zone is very far from yours (I'm in eastern USA), so you may prefer to choose a Listener who's closer to your time zone. There are many, many good Listeners who I think could help you be happier and less stressed during this period of your life.,

I wish you all the best!