[TW] groomed by my teacher when i was young, years after k fantasize about it (him).
i was groomed when i was more or less 14 years old by my teacher and now years later (im not comfortable revealing my age).
i fantasize about it as if i want to go back there. but i really don't, but i don't get why i think of it and get turned on. then afterwards hate myself again for letting myself happen that to me and actually fantasizing about it.
whether getting forced or consensual, i imagine it and get somewhat turned on. i don't know why i think like this i fricking hate it. it makes me feel disgusted. i am disgusted with myself.
i feel like shit for feeling like this. people have had it worse and yet i get turned on by them abusing or forcing themselves into me. but at the same time, i really don't want that to happen and afterwards fantasizing about it, i get an anxiety attack.
i am... lost.
@eunnikoh it's a normal trauma response and you should not hate yourself or feel disgusted with yourself. Just remember it's not your fault at all.
really? why is it a trauma response? i feel like shit for this being my trauma response to it :((
@eunnikoh
***Trigger Warning***
Hi there, I can relate to some of the things that you have mentioned here. Unfortunately when we are sexually abused/assaulted as a chid,teen or adult our bodies respond. It does not mean that we wanted this to happen to us or we are in any way responsible for what happened. It is just that these areas of the body will respond as nature has intended them to. This can lead to a lot of confusion ,guilt,and shame for survivors. People respond to the abuse in different ways such as fantasies about abuse, acting out sexually, and some don't want to think about or have sex at all (I have done all of these!) Btw I think that what you have done by speaking about this here is such a brave thing to do and I hope that you can find support here in this forum..
