This memory haunts me because it makes me believe that i deserved it... (TW)
No matter what this memory makes me feel like I deserved the abuse I got. Sometimes i just feel like maybe it was something that needed to be done to me.
so here's the story
Once as a child I remember walking away from my dad for I forgot what reason. I remember clearly it wasn't intentional, I just didn't hear him calling me into his office. (I had to be about 8 or younger at the time) Eventually, he straight up screamed "hey!!!! come here!!" at that point I was confused and panicked (his voice really scared me and causes me to freeze, still to this day). Nonetheless, I walked back up to him to see what he wanted to show me. He then proceeded to get into my face really closely where his face was touching mine and squishing my head against the wall, he mumbled angrily "I wanted to show you something important! it might even save your life!" My head was pinned against the wall and I felt uncomfortable and scared he was going to hurt me considering I was alone with him. He then took me into the office still angrily to show me the thing but I can't even remember what it was because at that time I was trying to recover from what had just happened. So I just agreed with whatever he said so I don't cause any more trouble than I just did.
This memory tears me apart for the reason that I use it as a way to justify the abuse. Whenever I remember this I feel like I did deserve that, that I shouldn't have been so stupid. Or that maybe I'm just a difficult or bad child. Sometimes I feel like I deserve the abuse I got as a child. I know abuse is wrong but so was I when I didn't listen to him and made mistakes...
@Alwayshungry983 Hey!!
You did nothing to deserve that reaction or behaviour. It is sometimes very hard to understand the reasoning behind actions, but the memory can haunt us until we start to work it through and decide that we were not to blame. How have things changed since then?
Listening - One Step At A Time!
@MistyMagic well he doesn't hit me anymore but from time to time he will drink and get a cold attitude like how he was today but I guess I'm used to it. can't tell if he is considered abusive but he can be still mean at times even if he isn't physical. I mean I try to make a relationship with him but this stuff haunts especially since he's never owned up to any of this even though I've told him about it and possibly never will. he says I'm lying or "brainwashed" but I experienced it. I know what I felt and this stuff really happened. also he hasn't changed much except for the physical part
@Alwayshungry983
unfortunately i still live with him
@Alwayshungry983 That makes things very difficult for you then. Would you like to chat to me 1-1 if you would then click on the blue butterfly and a link will come up.
Listening - One Step At A Time!
@MistyMagic sure id like that if possible
@Alwayshungry983
@Alwayshungry983
If you strongly feel it was abuse, then however wrong you have been as a child, abuse is something never to be tolerated at any age. You need to ask yourself what is it that's stopping you from accepting the fact that you weren't wrong. Right or wrong..the one who abuses is always the wrong side.
Ask yourself a few questions....
You feel u were disobedient? U weren't wrong and he wasn't right to abuse you.
Nobody deserves any sort of abuse neither mental nor physical. Yes it's tough to handle childhood memories , however get this fact clear that you didn't deserve to be abused nor should you take it in future. Lemme know if there is any sort of development or change in your relationship with your dad ahead,
