Wanting closure and reconciliation with former abusive roommates
Hi:
Though it's been 20 years since I have lived with or seen my former roommates who and were emotionally abusive to me and caused me lots of stress and trauma. Though I got hurt the first time and probably would get hurt the second, I still feel the need to reconnect with them so I can get closure and validation. In fact, I have this desire to reconnect with them and start all over by getting have them get to know me and vise versa but I know that's just not going to happen.
For starters, they had an agenda in which they provided me a place to sleep in exchange for helping with chores and bills along with some other expectations. I also did some things that they didn't like that I admit were not good choices. Though they knew I was in my early 20's while they were in their later 20's, they made me feel bad for that.
Anyway, I am trying to do what I can to move on.
@Summershy
I can relate to you so well! First of all, I really appreciate you are trying to do what you can so you can move on. I can see you were in a difficult situation and they were not very kind to you. You are so traumatized you want to fix it by going back and receiving validation from them, so you won't have to feel the current pain. I can relate to it all so well.
All I can say is that sharing this helped me. I was feeling stuck in my mind for my past pain, I want to run from it so bad but can't, I feel like they are constantly attacking me. Now I know I'm not alone, hope you can feel this way too.
To help with the intrusive thoughts- meditation, journaling, drawing helps. Being in nature, walking. Hope some of this helps.
If it helps, maybe try to talk to a listener to unload some burdens.
@seashell145
(I posted a longer version of this situation one day earlier which I thought got deleted, so I created a shorter one).
They were both jerks and they made it clear that they didn't want to be friends with me through subtle hints. I will call them roommates - A & B.
1. Roommate B. had a big party and was talking group photos of her friends and colleagues which she left me out of.
2. Roommate A. was eating pizza with another roommate who was in the process of moving out. She refused to share any of her portions with me.
Roommate A was a petty controller and she was the meanest to me of the two women as well. She would freak out over the silliest things and then yell at me until I was in tears. I was scared of her because she was so nasty to the point that I would avoid her.
@Summershy
I'm so sorry you went through such painful situations. It feels really heartbreaking and isolating to be excluded. And living while you are afraid of someone lashing out isn't easy, it can be really enervating. What do you plan to do next?
@seashell145
Thank you for your kind words because I walked away from that situation feeling hurt and disappointed. I was really hoping to make friends with them while doing my part but as I said, but they were looking for something to help pay the bills and help with chores. Therefore, they pretty much just gave me a place to sleep and a few spots to store my food but that's about it. They were also in their late 20's while I was just turning 21 and wanted to be with people around their own age.
When I moved in, I was a young adult who was inexperienced who just moved out of my parents house for a second time. Yet, they expected me to automatically pick up on responsibilities such as getting up to clean the house, cut the grass, etc. When that didn't happen, they were very upset.
@seashell145
When they were upset, I ended up feeling bad because I couldn't keep up with them and their experience.
As for when I avoided my roommate, things were so bad that I would often stay in my room if she was home. I would also make a point of staying out until she was asleep and then try to tip toe to my room quietly. When she wasn't home, I would hang out in the rest of the house.
Regarding what I am doing, journaling and doing some empty chair therapy as well.
@Summershy
I'm so sorry, you went through so much. I can relate to some of them, like I was young when I was outside home for the first time, didn't know much about responsibilities. You writing this gave me some catharsis. I'm so sorry you have to wait for your roommate to fall asleep so you could go to your room. This feels like such a stressful situation. I'm so sorry you went through this. But it feels hopeful that you are journaling and doing therapy work. Hopefully you'll see the results soon.
I have been recently having flashbacks of my old mean colleagues and mean classmates. Journaling a lot, the feelings are so difficult. Yet I feel like if I am ever around them, I would want to impress them just like before, to find closure I guess. So I can relate to you.
Very sorry for the delayed response, I spiraled into unhealthy habits and lost track of everything. Now slowly picking up healthy habits again. Hope you are continuing your healthy practices!
Thank you for your kind words;
I moved out because my family members were abusive to me. I was hoping to move into an environment where I could have peace and my own space. Unfortunately, my roommates were just as abusive.
As I have been working through the situation, they agreed to take me as a last resort because other women their age kept turning them down.They also were not good communicators when it came to what they expected for me. Then they blamed me for not being responsible.
That’s not to say that I didn’t wasn’t irresponsible because I did do some things scared them.
For example, we have a front door that locked itself when you closed it tight enough. There were evidently several times where I didn’t close the door properly. Therefore they found the door wide open. They ended up having to show me how to close the door properly.
@seashell145
I didn't see that comment before- it's your privilege that she blocked you. It helped you move on with your life, sometimes it's good that bad people tell us no.
I'm really glad chair therapy is working for you to heal from other trauma's too. I like the idea, someday when I have the opportunity I might try it.
@Summershy
You're welcome. I cannot reply to your last comment for some reason, so replying to this.
I understand leaving one abusive situation, to end up in a similar one. I also understand that you were not completely good at some things, and they were not patient with this. Instead of communicating, they treated you poorly. I can relate to most of it. I'm so sorry this happened, but because you shared your experience, I'm seeing my experiences in a new light, so thank you for sharing. <3
That experience took a real toll on my emotions too
@seashell145
Hi Seashell, I really thank you for your support and I would have never thought about her blocking me being a blessing in disguise. You're right, neither she nor the other roommate liked me because they were mad that I didn't turn out to be a "Yes" person who they could use.
After talking to a good friend about them, that was evident because they would pick me apart by finding everything me to get mad at me about.
For example, we had one of those front doors that would lock automatically. On at least three different times, I came in at night thinking I closed the door tight enough. I kept finding notes in the kitchen that they found the door wide open. Yet, the weird thing is that they never woke me up to show me what I did wrong.
@Summershy
I understand, you became traumatized because of the experience. If I were in your position I would feel the same way. I actually often find myself haunted by the past experiences with roommates and other peers.
I really appreciate how you understand your emotional situation, for example you understand that you are seeking closure and reconciliation. Many people do not have this self awareness, and I didn't have it even a few years ago. So it's really praise worthy. I appreciate you for understanding your emotions and situation. <3
@seashell145
I started doing some empty chair therapy with them and it's helping me work through the situation and especially when I want to talk about how they treated me. What I do is keep pretending to call them out for the way they acted and then also remind them that they are not going to be a part of my life.
@seashell145
In regards to seeking closure, I tried to re-connect with the roommate who treated me poorly during and after that big party on social when my life got better. Keep in mind, this was nearly 6 years after I moved out. However, she still wanted nothing to do with me because I made some poor decisions that could have gotten all three of us into trouble so she blocked me and moved on with her life.
@Summershy
Empty chair therapy sounds good! Feels like the way you are standing up to them in pretense may really be helpful, as if you were going back to your past and protecting yourself. I'm glad you are doing this for yourself and hope you experience positive results soon! <3
@seashell145
Thanks, I am also using some empty chair therapy to talk to some other people who I am very hurt by. So far, the one with my roommates is helping me let go but the others are newer.
@Summershy
Replying to this comment:
"Hi Seashell, I really thank you for your support and I would have never thought about her blocking me being a blessing in disguise. You're right, neither she nor the other roommate liked me because they were mad that I didn't turn out to be a "Yes" person who they could use............... "
You're welcome! I'm glad you can see it as a privilege that they blocked you. It feels nice that you understand they were mad at you because you couldn't be a "yes person" anymore. I'm Glad you had the conversation with your friend and found many helpful insights.
I won't be able to respond anymore, thank you for sharing with me. Hope you find peace and be happy :)
@seashell145]
I really thank you so much for your support as I have been able to work through that situation and I am just now getting closure by using that empty chair therapy along with talking to my counselor about it.
@Summershy
You're welcome! I'm so glad your situation is improving! Wishing you ease and love in the future <3
@seashell145
Thanks again and after working through the trauma, it's finally clicking with me after all these years. Based on their behavior, they didn't like me because they were stuck on themselves and had attitudes that came along with it. They were also selfish and self-centered.
