Wanting closure and reconciliation with former abusive roommates
Hi:
Though it's been 20 years since I have lived with or seen my former roommates who and were emotionally abusive to me and caused me lots of stress and trauma. Though I got hurt the first time and probably would get hurt the second, I still feel the need to reconnect with them so I can get closure and validation. In fact, I have this desire to reconnect with them and start all over by getting have them get to know me and vise versa but I know that's just not going to happen.
For starters, they had an agenda in which they provided me a place to sleep in exchange for helping with chores and bills along with some other expectations. I also did some things that they didn't like that I admit were not good choices. Though they knew I was in my early 20's while they were in their later 20's, they made me feel bad for that.
Anyway, I am trying to do what I can to move on.
@Summershy
I can relate to you so well! First of all, I really appreciate you are trying to do what you can so you can move on. I can see you were in a difficult situation and they were not very kind to you. You are so traumatized you want to fix it by going back and receiving validation from them, so you won't have to feel the current pain. I can relate to it all so well.
All I can say is that sharing this helped me. I was feeling stuck in my mind for my past pain, I want to run from it so bad but can't, I feel like they are constantly attacking me. Now I know I'm not alone, hope you can feel this way too.
To help with the intrusive thoughts- meditation, journaling, drawing helps. Being in nature, walking. Hope some of this helps.
If it helps, maybe try to talk to a listener to unload some burdens.
@seashell145
(I posted a longer version of this situation one day earlier which I thought got deleted, so I created a shorter one).
They were both jerks and they made it clear that they didn't want to be friends with me through subtle hints. I will call them roommates - A & B.
1. Roommate B. had a big party and was talking group photos of her friends and colleagues which she left me out of.
2. Roommate A. was eating pizza with another roommate who was in the process of moving out. She refused to share any of her portions with me.
Roommate A was a petty controller and she was the meanest to me of the two women as well. She would freak out over the silliest things and then yell at me until I was in tears. I was scared of her because she was so nasty to the point that I would avoid her.
@Summershy
I'm so sorry you went through such painful situations. It feels really heartbreaking and isolating to be excluded. And living while you are afraid of someone lashing out isn't easy, it can be really enervating. What do you plan to do next?
@seashell145
Thank you for your kind words because I walked away from that situation feeling hurt and disappointed. I was really hoping to make friends with them while doing my part but as I said, but they were looking for something to help pay the bills and help with chores. Therefore, they pretty much just gave me a place to sleep and a few spots to store my food but that's about it. They were also in their late 20's while I was just turning 21 and wanted to be with people around their own age.
When I moved in, I was a young adult who was inexperienced who just moved out of my parents house for a second time. Yet, they expected me to automatically pick up on responsibilities such as getting up to clean the house, cut the grass, etc. When that didn't happen, they were very upset.
@seashell145
When they were upset, I ended up feeling bad because I couldn't keep up with them and their experience.
As for when I avoided my roommate, things were so bad that I would often stay in my room if she was home. I would also make a point of staying out until she was asleep and then try to tip toe to my room quietly. When she wasn't home, I would hang out in the rest of the house.
Regarding what I am doing, journaling and doing some empty chair therapy as well.
@Summershy
Replying to this comment:
"Hi Seashell, I really thank you for your support and I would have never thought about her blocking me being a blessing in disguise. You're right, neither she nor the other roommate liked me because they were mad that I didn't turn out to be a "Yes" person who they could use............... "
You're welcome! I'm glad you can see it as a privilege that they blocked you. It feels nice that you understand they were mad at you because you couldn't be a "yes person" anymore. I'm Glad you had the conversation with your friend and found many helpful insights.
I won't be able to respond anymore, thank you for sharing with me. Hope you find peace and be happy :)
@seashell145]
I really thank you so much for your support as I have been able to work through that situation and I am just now getting closure by using that empty chair therapy along with talking to my counselor about it.
@Summershy
You're welcome! I'm so glad your situation is improving! Wishing you ease and love in the future <3
@seashell145
Thanks again and after working through the trauma, it's finally clicking with me after all these years. Based on their behavior, they didn't like me because they were stuck on themselves and had attitudes that came along with it. They were also selfish and self-centered.