Disconnected

I don't know how I am feeling inside or outside. I KEEP FIGHTING WITH THIS DID. I do not have this condition. I can not get to terms with this at all. Yes, I am aware of some different personalities that are present. I remember many things, and yes, there are some things I do not. So tired of the confusion inside. I am sick and tired of all the money and time I have spent trying to get better, and nothing has worked.

Am I supposed to keep this charade up? I am tired of being alone and distant because of my fear of people. Tired of making it seem like all is well when it is not. Everyone keeps talking about being positive, but that does not work well at all. A superficial feel-good pill that does not last. Trying to be what I OR WE OR OTHERS SAY HOW I SHOULD BE. I AM SICK OF IT. I AM WORKING MYSELF TO DEATH TO KEEP AN EVEN FLOW TO STAY IN A BETTER MINDSET.

I HATE ADMITTING THIS, BUT THIS IS ME, ASHAMED, YES I AM, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS