ACoNs: Those Who Were Raised by Narcissists or Dealing with Narcissists

@ImpudentIncognito thank you for the post. It helped me understand myself better. There was also a term for parents who wanted to enforce education on their children and needed them to be successful. Can you remind me of the term it was a word that started with "a" so like a....... parents. Altis, alter.. something like that! Also, thanks so much because calling my mother an ovary donor feels a lot better honestly. That made me feel really good

@ImpudentIncognito thank you for this thread, and I really hope I can get some help here.

I have BPD which means I have an extraordinary fear of abandonment, and needless to say I've probably pushed everyone in my life away before they could abandon me, yet I still feel I've been abandoned. But that's a totally different subject. I only brought it up to give a little more context to my dilemma.

I've been in a relationship with someone who I THINK might be a narcissist for the past ten years. I can understand why he has most of the "negative" traits he does, ie: Nothing EVER being his fault is most likely a survival tactic he developed because he was always blamed for everything growing up, warranted or not. But even with the understanding, it still makes for a toxic relationship, and it's just gotten worse year after year.

Sometimes I think I can deal with it, and think that I can't leave him because I'm the only one who's ever stuck by him, but mainly the GUILT I feel, just THINKING about leaving him is excruciating. So I can't imagine what it would feel like if I actually did leave. And the guilt is derived from feeling that if I did leave, I'd be abandoning him. And to make my guilt even greater, I feel that my having stuck with him for ten years makes my abandoning him now all that much worse.

The guilt is there because I KNOW what it feels like to be abandoned, especially if you don't know why. And I really think he wouldn't know why. Of course, he wouldn't listen to me even if I tried to explain it to him. But even if he did know why, I could NEVER make someone feel that pain intentionally.

He wouldn't feel pain if he's a narcissist, you say. He won't really care that YOU leave, just that he was losing his supply if he's a narcissist, you say. But what if he's not? What if I'm overreacting? What if he's just a different kind of person than I am and doesn't need, or expect to have to give, the attention I want? Maybe he's lived by himself so long he doesn't feel the need to share things, or have deep conversations. Because maybe he may have a lot of faults, but then what about the multitude of faults I have? I'm no angel, trust me (despite the name!) 😁

Don't get me wrong, I see it when he tries to turn things around on me, and everything else, but what if I bring out the worst in him by my insecurities? I do have BPD, remember. Maybe if I change, he would, too.

There are days I can't stand him and others where I can't imagine life without him. Oh, and he hasn't brought up any of the things I've mentioned, so I'm not "doubting myself" due to him manipulating me.

I don't think.

I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE! There's other extenuating circumstances as well. Such as we have a really bad living situation right now, we have no money, and no transportation. Those kinds of things could be major factors in how our relationship is at this point, too.

But I DO know that if my leaving will really hurt him badly, I couldn't live with myself.

I sure hope I'm making sense...but thanks for reading this far! 🌹

🐻

I realize now that I grew up with Narcissist in the home. I married a covert narcissist whose mother was a grandiose. It took me two decades of marriage to finally figure out what was going on.i looked up traits and behaviors and bumped unto a website that has helped me immensely over the years.

Outofthefog. net

It has resources and a forum.

I have been on a healing journey and have learned loads about dealing with and avoiding abuse from personality disordered people. I also recognized some bad habits I had put in place as copping mechanisms and work to correct by using healthier methods and setting boundar9es.

I am thankfully able to see red flags and often avoid engaging with narcissists. A certain feeling of appeal is now felt as a warning and time to step back and observe.

If you are around a narc or suffer abuse due to one or more, do know that things can get better.

My progress has me in a better plalalce however I am realizing I might have some things related to cptsd that need worked on. That is why I am here. Hoping to find keywords and self-study topics. I have recently discovered the *** childhood fairy podcasts. I am enjoying them and they serve as a nice review of what I have been learning this past 8to10 years from otherr resouces.

If people have not experienced it, they have a hard time relating and can be less than supportive even when they might be trying to be supportive. Those not well acquainted with narcissistic people and their ways cannot believe it is even possible. They often think we are lying or something.

Funny (to me) story: I had a friend who had a covert narc alcoholic spouse with all the family baggage and OCPD tendencies. We used to do girls night out a couple times a month. Fast forward years. My hubs was on meds and we had reduced stressed in the house but she was separated and hers was full on binging on alcohol to where she did not want some alone with him. She was thinking about the upcoming dating game.

We were joking around and making a hypothetical list of screening questions for hypothetical dating site profile. After two glasses of wine and years of history together we were having a blast. We reread what we had so far a couple of times. A couple of guys at the bar following a men's golf day out were paying attention and one was getting fake angry. He came and sat by us and became very involved with what we were doing and we explained why our silly screening questions has been chosen or the back stories. I later realized he was a narc gathering Intel, and that we potentially set him years ahead in "the game" .