Broken Body & Brain
I forgot what it's like to be truly happy...I'll have short moments of bliss, but then it fades away as fast as it comes. I have settled on wishing to be content in life over being numb, sad, or angry all the time....Just been feeling like the days have been melting and purposeless.
This chronic pain makes it worse, I can't work...
I don't go outside due to extreme agoraphobia and fear that someone will try to make me unalive again or some others may cause me physical harm.
I want to work in order to save money to move out of this city/state but don't have the willpower nor have the physical condition to...
It really bites.
I'm slowly trying to make pen pals online to fill my empty days up.
I'm trying to get back into hobbies and doing small self-care when I can.
I'm tired of feeling empty inside...
I feel like a caged bird, now that I can't go outside without extreme fear or panic.
I only leave the house for doctor's appointments, and usually use an app for car rides vs taking the bus.
I know too many people here and some of these people want to cause me harm and have threatened me.
I'm on meds for the depression, but barely started a week or so ago, so it will take awhile for it to come into effect(usually 4-6weeks to show).
I just feel constantly tired and fatigued...the physical and mental pain is taking a toll on me.
I sleep in a lot while the little one is in daycare. I'm trying to be more active in little one's life, but hardly have energy. I'll play with him, but can't do much with my bad back. We can't roughhouse anymore. We don't go to the park anymore. I haven't taken him out for ice-cream either, just a lot of indoor activities...reading, doing math, playing blocks, etc. I wish I can do better for the little one.
I want to fix my broken body and brain.
I'm tired of the trauma. I'm tired of being fearful.
I'm tired of feeling weak. I'm tired of having no drive and no energy.
I'm tired...
@ImpudentIncognito My heart breaks for you, but please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can with the cards you were dealt. Some things that happened to you were beyond your control. This is not your fault. I'm so sorry you're feeling down and defeated right now. But if you need a reminder, just look at your sweet boy! ♡ Please try not to just see the things you are not doing now because of this or that. How about seeing the things that YOU do for him? :) You're the parent that's there doing and providing and loving and caring for him. You're present and that is big! You love your son, clearly. But please let's show yourself some love too! Be kind to yourself. You are trying and I applaud you. Parenting is the hardest job. Raising another life teaches us to be responsible for someone other than ourselves. ♡ I hope that even if your body is not able to heal right at this moment that your mind and heart is able! It's time to start mentioning the things you do right! I hope your situation improves to where you are able to relocate elsewhere for the safety and betterment of you and your son. In the meantime, keep on doing what you're doing and braving on. Hugs. ♡
@YourCaringConfidant Thank you for your support and validation. ♥ I've been struggling since the chronic pain has worsen. I'm worried that I can't provide for my son like I used to...I used to be the breadwinner in my family --- back when I was with my ex. I miss the days I would go out to the park with my son or go out for ice cream without worrying too much about money/income. I don't want to deprive my son of the joys from the world, due to my fear of going outside. I'm working on bettering myself so he can have a better life. I didn't have the best life growing up, but I hope his gets better.
@ImpudentIncognito I've no doubt his will be better. You know why? Because he has YOU! But everything you mentioned (from going to the park to just getting ice cream, etc), it's all understandable. Your son does deserve to get to experience the joys life can offer. But remember, whether inside or outside, he's with you and you both can make special moments and bond even from inside of the house. If you're not able to take him out for ice cream, bring the ice cream bar to him. If your area has a food delivery service, perhaps look into that. We have Wal-Mart where I am and I just pay the subscription monthly to get my groceries delivered. It is a life saver for me. You can order ice cream and all the toppings and set it out and host your own ice cream bar. :) You can have your own movie night, etc, whatever you want to do to create special moments and memories for him and you. He does deserve the good things in life. And guess what? So do you!!! <3 If you ask me, I believe you are the good in his life. Money makes the world go round and it's needed. But one thing I have learned in life is that money comes and goes. Time, however, waits for no one. I hope that you are able to heal mind, body, and soul and that you know just how valuable you are. There is no one quite like you. Stay blessed!