From Survivor to Mother: Trying to Hold Both Truths
Hi everyone, I’m Nicole.
I’m here because I’m in the middle of something painful and complex—and I need a space to speak honestly about it. I’m a trauma survivor. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and an emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially abusive father. I’ve spent over 20 years in therapy working hard to break those patterns and not pass them on.
I’m also a mother. My child, now 20, recently told me they believe I was an emotionally immature parent. They read a book that gave them language to explore their pain—but the lens they’re using has flattened the truth of our relationship in ways that are devastating.
I know I was not perfect. I made mistakes. There were moments during my own survival—particularly in abusive marriages—when I failed them. A handful of those times, I became physically reactive. They’ve told me they’ve forgiven me, and I’ve carried that accountability with me every day since
But I also know what I didn’t do. I didn’t use love as a weapon. I didn’t isolate or manipulate. I didn’t demand emotional compliance. I protected them—from my parents, from my exes, from the very abuse I was raised with. I got them into therapy. I supported them through gender identity exploration and medical care. I stayed emotionally present, even when I was breaking.
Now I’m trying to hold the grief of being mischaracterized alongside the truth that they are allowed to see the past through their own eyes. It’s hard. It hurts. And some days, it makes me question if I’ve done anything right at all.
If anyone here understands what it means to both survive trauma and accidentally pass pieces of it on, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I don’t need fixing. I just want to know I’m not the only one trying to hold both truths.
Thank you for reading.
—Nicole
@HelloBunny1111 that's heartbreaking to read, I'm so sorry sweetie 🙁 I don't think you should look at this as a fail in any way, you did everything you could to protect your daughter and give her the life you never had. The love you gave her and all the effort you put in makes you an amazing mother💖 times are changing, kids lives and needs are not the same as they were 10 years ago let alone 20. So always know that you tried your best and that is more than good enough. Parents who've not gone through half the stuff you have, fail their children so badly 🙁 you have not done that so please hold your head up high and be proud of yourself for raising a great daughter💖💖💖hugs you tightly 💖
Thank you. I just don’t want to be seen as though I am just another one of those mothers who “doesn’t listen” or “was never there” or “was told what the issue was” but missed it like so many of these other estranged mothers you see online have. Like my mother would have been if she were to have found a group like this. My adoptive mother was always the victim which in turn means that when *I* actually state that I am the victim I just sound like her. And I’ve tried so hard for so long not to sound like her. I’ve only recently allowed myself to show my soft side and as soon as I did was when my child decided they would put this distance between us because of the book they were given to read to potentially identify our relationship. But with them only being 20 it feels as if it may have been too neurotypical and binary with language that labels the parent as the villain without nuance allowed for myself having been dealing with abuse at the time my child was witnessing my alleged emotional immaturity and enmeshment with them.
Thank you again.
@HelloBunny1111 unfortunately being a parent doesn't come with instructions. Just know you tried your best and that's something to be proud of💖 we can't change the past but we can learn from it, so whatever you do make the most of your relationship with her 💖
I don't have experience from the mother side but I can't give the experience from the child's side. I mother had the same issues as you. She wanted so desperately to not repeat the cycle. To give her children a better life than she did. And in ways she did, in others she slipped. I did not have the perfect childhood she so desperately wanted for me. I held it against her for a while but when I turned 17 I had a heart to heart with her. Kinda like with your kid I finally had language that could express how I felt all these years. It broke her just like you did, to hear how no matter how hard she tried it still came short. But we worked together to mend those wounds. I've forgiven her and she's become a better person for my nephews. Generational abuse doesn't go away in one step. They will do better than you and their children (if they want any) will do better than them. You did the best you could, you took the first step in ending the cycle. And you are so incredibly brave for that. You just have more work to do. You'll work with your child to heal and become a better person because of it. My mom did. And I hope you get to experience the kind of relationship I have with her now. Good luck :)