I just need a little love
My mom is abusive. Always was since I was 4. She is an extremely storng amd capable woman who has faced many hardships in life. I love her a lot but I'm aafraid that she doesn't love me. I think all she that when she looks at me, all she sees is my father, his family and all the pain she had to go through because I was a girl. She is always irritated and angry and hits me brutally whenevershe feels like it in placed where it hurts the most but no one can see openly. She neverhurts me somewhereit is visible. She hates that I'm better at humanities and not science and always screams me to shut the heck up when she hits me, with or without any serious reason. Or she'll just stop talking or doing anything for me. I therefore have developed this weird habit of asking people when they're quiet if they're angry with me and just keep apologizing for every single thing even when it's not my fault probably, that people find unnecessary and annoying. I'm a people pleaser and suffer from emotional martyrdom and severe depression. She tried to choke me last week while she pinned me down. That was just too much. I keep seeing that scene over and over in my mind. I cry at every little thing she says now. Because all I can see is her with her hands on my throat, squeezing. I just want to be loved and understood so very badly. But I have no real friends and am alone in this world with a place that I can only call "Home" for the sake of it. It's not my home. I never want to go back but I have to live in this *** on the earth until I'm financially independent.
@Angelmythology
Nothing justified your mother's behaviour.
There are no excuses for how she is mistreating you.
You don't deserve it at all.
A mother shouldn't act like that.
It's clear you love her and you've a big heart, don't let her actions, as hard as it is, dictate your worth.
You are lovable and deserving of love and you don't ever have to apologize for being you, ever 💚
Thank you for saying this. I don’t hear it often, and it helped more than I can express. It made me feel less alone. ❤️❤️❤️
@Angelmythology
A pleasure 💚
@Angelmythology
Both of my parents physically and emotionally hurt me starting from earliest of my years until I was in my early 20's. They didn't praise me, show me love or appreciation. They abused me until I stopped seeing my dad completely and the mom very rarely, only if I must. There is a situation which forces me to see her still. When we see each other my mother will still try to hurt me, criticise me, condescend me. If I am feeling strong at that moment I will ignore her or tell her that I am leaving if she doesnt stop. She never does, and I leave. If its a bad day or a bad period for me, it will get to me: She will anger me, depress me, but at least she doesnt hurt me anymore. I had to be in my 30's to not be hurt by either of them. I hope you can stop hurting way before that.
What hurts is, a week ago I almost cried on the bus because a woman was very sweet to her daughter on the phone. I stared at her all the time.
I wished she was my mother. I wondered how life would have been if she was.
I long for that connection. I wish for a friend or a partner who will love me like a family. What hurts me the most is still not having found that.
I hope you heal, and I hope I do too. I hope, we both find the love and support we deserve one day. I am so sorry that you are stuck with her and you depend on her. If you can safely live elsewhere, I strongly recommend you to leave. I felt better when I stopped living with my mother. If you can't do that, can you get some professional help? In the meantime whether you can do these or not, keep reaching out for help. I am here if you need to talk.
You’re not alone.