I miss him
Sometimes it’s not that I want company.
It’s that I don’t want to feel this way with myself.
I lost a friend in a violent way, and since then I don’t always know how to live. There are days when simply existing feels difficult, like being here, taking up space, is too much. Like I’m still living in survival mode instead of peace.
I miss him.
More than I know how to say.
And sometimes I fantasize about everything I would tell him if he were here: the small things, the questions I never asked, the stories we never got to live. It’s strange to think I could have had a different life. A life where he was still here.
I thought I had left that impostor feeling behind, but it comes back. And when it does, everything narrows down to the same thought: that I’m a bad person, that something in me is wrong. Even when I know it isn’t true.
I’m not that.
I’m just tired.
Tired of carrying what’s left after a tragedy, of doubting myself, of feeling like I have to justify my existence
@sunnyCup3757
You don't have to justify your existence.
You are not a bad person.
You are human.
And you are grieving.
You lost someone special, in a horrible way.
And that's alot for anyone to deal with.
Grief is raw and it's tiring.
It's important to allow yourself time to process.
Grief stays with us.
But it becomes less raw with time and you live around it.
It's important you know, your friend would want you to be happy 💚
I'm sorry for your loss 💚
@sunnyCup3757
Reading your post has broken my heart. I feel you. I lost many people in life, with or without their own desire. I still miss most of them. I am going through a recent loss and I would like to let you know that I feel you and I understand how you feel. You said: "And sometimes I fantasize about everything I would tell him if he were here: the small things, the questions I never asked, the stories we never got to live." Same. I still talk to him in my head. I remember a version of him that will comfort me, and I talk to him. I tell him about my day, I tell him how I am hurting and I sit down and imagine his hand on my shoulder. It gives me comfort, and it hurts at the same time.
You said: "It’s strange to think I could have had a different life. A life where he was still here."
I think of that every day, more than once. I blame myself for a lot of things and I think of what I could have done differently. I can tell you something about this and hopefully that'll teach me too... Sometimes it's not all in our shoulders. I don't know how you lost your person but it may not be all your fault, not even your fault at all. I can't tell myself that yet but I hope it does help you consider.
Take it easy and be gentle to yourself. I am here if you need to talk.