Just keep falling
I’m depressed because I feel abandoned by my family. Not being able to do anything productive or useful for my goals and the people I love in my life makes me irritable. I’m so worried, anxious, depressed and panicking about whatever the latest emergency in my life is so I can’t concentrate. Between my medication and the endless waves of stress I’m feeling numb and losing interest in taking care of myself because all my resources have been pulled back inside of me in order to preserve my leaking sanity. If I don’t have my sleep medication, I won’t sleep through the night and will wake up every three hours. When I am able to sleep, I’m plagued with nightmares that soak my sheets in sweat every night. I have moments where I’m so overwhelmed by my emotions that I can’t move, I’m frozen, sometimes it lasts for hours. I’ve tried every way possible to help myself but at this moment it’s like life itself is gaslighting me. I feel ashamed because I’m almost forty years old and I’m struggling so hard to function. I’m running out of memories of good days, every day is just so much harder than the last. The problems just get more expensive and more complicated and I’m so unprepared to deal with them. I’m so jumpy and easily startled, I feel like someone or something is going to jump out and attack me at any moment. The person I am right now is not the person I am when I’m happy and engaged in life. I’m so happy to manage maintaining my sobriety, but I want to drink so bad. I’m just coping with weed and Zyn.
@RickestRick86 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. That's a whole lot... but rest assured, you have every right to feel the way you do. ♡ May I ask-- is there any particular reason why you feel abandoned by your family? Is it that someone is physically and verbally making you feel unloved, not valued, unappreciated? I hope that's not the case. I can sense how much you love your family and how much they mean to you. You're trying to do right by them amd yourself with the cards you're dealt. Keep trying, persevering, and don't give up. You have people who depend on you and, most importantly, you have yourself to care for, nurture, and take care of. You may be in a fragile state now with all these emotions you're feeling, so I really hope that you show yourself some grace. There's no shame in experiencing these feelings and when one thing happens on top of another on top of another, it can be difficult to deal. But please remember that you can! I truly believe you are capable and it's ok if you need help. And it's ok to admit to yourself and others if you're not ok right now! I know what I'm going to say next will be cliché, but things really won't be like this always. Each day brings new opportunities to do something else differently than the day before. If you can, try and find ways to help you cope when you feel all these waves of emotions hit you at once. Finding coping mechanisms that work for you may help. You just gotta keep trying. Keep waking up and trying! If memories of good days are starting to fake... then my friend, make new memories. Make new good days. Take a look at your beautiful family and take a look at what you do have to be thankful for in life. Despite what you may feel is missing right now, you are blessed and you are here for a reason. You have proven yourself mighty with your sobriety and I'm extremely proud of you. This confirms you can overcome things in life no matter how difficult! And if you're feeling so down and low right now, there's only one way up. Please, pretty please, be kind to yourself. Take it easy on yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. I wish you all the best as always! ♡
