Living with Past Traumas
I might have mentioned about this in a different post, either in this Subcommunity or another one. Late 2023, I started believing that I need to have a change in lifestyle (including but not limited to, how I dress, my career, geographically, etc), in order to be able to force myself out of my comfort zone, so I can meet new people. Whether that be a romantic relationship, or friendship.
Yesterday morning, my mum had another chat with me in regards to meeting new people and changing how I dress. As usual, she talks about how my clothing apparel style is outdated, and does not look my age. She says the recent times we went out for lunch with my Uncle and to go shopping, the way I dressed was inappropriate for my age. She kept repeating that my idea of clothing apparel, the style that I like, is that of a teenager, not someone in their late 30s.
Then, she goes off saying that one of her friend's son, has a best friend looking for a girlfriend. Mum continues to comment on the way I dress, and the lack of topics/hobbies/interests that I have, which will make conversations boring and have nothing in common with anybody. She goes on saying that no matter how I think (that I want to be liked by who I am and not what I look like), that it still comes down to first impressions, and that is how I'm dressed and presents myself. She says if I bought new clothes, in the style of a teenagers, I won't be attracting anyone who would want to start a romantic relationship with me. It also doesn't help that I hate shopping, especially for clothes.
But, if I follow the trends that an average women in their late 30s dress, I won't feel comfortable/confident. Also, with the past traumas that happened in my hometown in my childhood, to go out in the public, let's not even say I'm meeting people, it's already a scary experience for me. That is why I think, I need to change my lifestyle in order to for me to force myself to put myself out there. When the change of situation comes, I'm forced to make the changes in myself that will allow me to adjust to a new place. But here, when I feel safest at home, being a homebody, seems like a better choice. Although it's true with my mum says, that I can't meet anyone sitting at home, watching dramas on my computer, listening to music, and playing games on my phone on days I don't need to work.
Another point my mum mentioned, says it was something she had been worrying about the past week. She says she noticed that the relationship I have with my brother is not very close. Apparently there had been times where my brother told her that he wanted to talk to me about things, but most of the time, is afraid to say anything to me (because of my depressive past, he's afraid that it will affect my emotional health). So, decides to not talk to me at all. So, my mum goes on saying that with the lack of communication between the two of us, she's worried for me. Whether in the future, my brother remarries (and in case, the wife doesn't like me), when my both my parents have left, I'll be left all alone. So, she worries that I'll be single still, and with my current unstable career, she's worried that I won't be able to survive on my own. Whether that be paying for rent when the time comes, or that as I might still be single, that I'll start returning back to a more depressive mood. Amongst my parents friends, my dad is the oldest, in his early 70s. So, they have been seeing people older/younger than them who are leaving, mainly due to illness that was detected too late. So, they keep saying, we will never know what happens tomorrow. So, I think this is her main reason for hoping that I can meet more people and a potential husband along the way. Which goes back to making myself more attractive and presentable.
I don't know how to tell her.. that all the things she says.. I understand and I know is the truth.. but the reason that I don't step out of the house much is because of all those childhood traumas that has engraved a scar in my life, and to this day, it still impacts me greatly.
As with that guy friend of my mum's friend's son, because the son moved out and doesn't often come home to see his mum as often. My mum says, it won't happen until the son returns. In the meantime, she wants me to make all the changes. From what I wear, to personal hygiene (meaning making my face look more fresh), to having more topics to talk about.. *sigh*
I don't know if I'm up for it.. especially when I know it's the traumas that are holding me back in many ways and how I believe that I need to leave this place (change career, out of the country), in order for me to more easily overcome all these fears I have.
@Jaeteuk
Hi, I am sorry that your mom is putting so much pressure on you to change. And wear different styles of clothing/ When we experience traumatic events in our lives, the processing of our brain also changes. At the time of the trauma, the brain kind of gets hijacked. We have no control over how the brain processes the event, and we compartmentalize the event the best we can for your protection to try and not allow that to happen again. This is why Therapy is so essential to helping the brain to change the way it compartmentalizes the event. Now, you are no longer experiencing that danger, but your brain does not know this. It thinks it is keeping you safe, and over time, it gets harder and harder to retrain the brain. Which is probably the reason you are still afraid and reactive to what happened in the past. Until you are able to face and get talk therapy about this, the isolation will continue no matter where you go. You won't be able to outrun the feelings inside.
It is no quick fix it will take time to process all of the triggering emotions that you are experiencing.
I do hope that you are able to be gentle with yourself. It is possible to heal, but it takes hard work; being able to be your own person is what you need to find; we can not build around other people's expectations of who they want us to be. Is the person your mom wants you to become, is that what you desire to become or be like? if it is all well and good but if not follow your heart.❤️
I think she's right about changing my lifestyle, but it always upsets me when she says I dress like a teenager, that I need to change my idea of "comfort" to something more mature and of my age. Although I agree that my wardrobe is outdated, but to change my comfort style, that's the same as trying to change who I am.
I know it's a process for the brain to think differently than from the hurt/fear that past traumas created. I had a good Psychologist in my early 20s, she helped a lot with my depression, and we started on a few traumas, but we never got to a turning point where I felt free. Then, I stopped seeing her because it was far from home, I didn't have insurance coverage for the sessions, and had used up the free sessions that she registered for me as a victim of crime.
So, I don't know if I should agree with meeting that son's friend. If I get to choose, I'd rather go with the guy friends of my mum's other friend's daughter's husband. At least my parents have met that husband several times, and think that his friends would be of the same nature.
@WorkingitThrough2
@Jaeteuk
I am sorry that you did not get to keep going to therapy so you could process the rest of your trauma. I am glad that you are still figuring out which choices you would like to make. I don't want to go against your mom, and she may be right in all that she is telling you. It is your right to make your decisions on when you are ready to make these changes which may prove to be good for you. One step at a time, and mom loves you but still needs to give you space to consider what you want. Depression does keep us isolated.
I do hope that things will soon get better and that your depression gets better real soon.❤️
I want to tell you thanks for sharing your story with me, and any time you just need a friend, I am here. I am one of the Trauma Supporters here.
We also have a one-on-one chat with a listener if you want to talk with someone else on a one-on-one. Just hit the Chat button and go through the list of listeners. Otherwise just keep posting to this thread and I will reply when I see it😊❤️
My depression has come a long way, so has the processing of my traumas. Back then, I had nightmares every night. The worst time was when my nightmare lasted for a week (the plot was the same, but each night had a different ending). Then, there were times where I wake up with fear in the middle of the night because of what I was dreaming about. Those times, I usually end up keeping myself awake, as I was afraid if I went back to sleep, the nightmare will continue on. Sometimes, I feel that I talk in my sleep too. I remember there were times where I was talking when I woke up, or in the middle of sleep, being half-asleep and half-awake, I find myself talking too.
I don't know if I should tell my mum the reasons for not making changes, I'm afraid she'll just say I'm being childish (especially with the clothing thing). It's the aftermath of traumas that has created these fears of being out in the public, and mostly because it drains a lot of my energy. I think that is one of the main reasons why I don't like going shopping, especially for clothes. Because you can't just really look at a piece of clothing on the hanger, grab the size, and go pay for it.. you need to take the time, to try it on, to see if it actually looks good, if it matches my skin colour, or see if the cutting fits properly on my body.. All that time it takes, will drain my energy 2x faster than just window shopping.
Mum's are always right, right? They knows what's best for their children. That their ways of thinking wins over our own thoughts. At least, that's how they word what they want to tell us.
@WorkingitThrough2, thank you for your response. I always look forward to what wise advice you have. Maybe I will continue posting to this thread. It's nice to know that someone is here to listen to me. 😊
@Jaeteuk It sounds like your mum really loves you and cares about your wellbeing, but maybe doesn't know how to help you. If you take a moment and imagine really sitting her down and explaining what your actual struggle is (and maybe what your learned about it in therapy), what do you imagine she would say or do? Do you think if she understood she would be a better support for you? You can even write it all out first so that you know you have said everything clearly...there's no shame in giving her a letter or even reading the letter. Try to think of what you need from her and how she can really be of help to you. Then she will know where to put her energy.
it's so hard to think about changing everything all at once, especially when you are dealing with depression...like walking through sludge to get anything done. But it's ok to just take it one little step at a time, buy one shirt or just search for meetups of people who like the things you already like, for instance. When you break your big challenge down into smaller tasks, you can get little wins that encourage you to keep going. You will build confidence over time. Also, if something, like going out in places where trauma happened, causes you anxiety, you can expose yourself to those places a little at a time as well. Start by just driving through town in a car, then just run simple small errands. Again, just take one little step at a time!...and give yourself big cheers for those steps!
I'd love to hear what you think of all of that.
I have an idea she'll say, that the traumas are of the past, that I shouldn't be worried about it now. When she commented that I dress like a teenager, she mentioned that I need to change my thinking, that my level of comfort needs to be more mature.
I'm afraid to tell her my true thoughts, as she has a way to word things that sounds discouraging or that i am in the wrong. That chat we had the other morning, I just nodded and agreed with the things she said. Where in the back of mind, I'm thinking about all the hidden reasons for why I act that way.
I tried going shopping last week, went into one clothing store, walking through it, nothing caught my eye. It's like my idea of comfort clothing is no longer in the trends. At the same time, I know I need to change the clothes in my wardrobe, as a lot of the times, when I'm going out, I don't have any appropriate clothing to wear.. as it's the same ones over and over again. The most variety of clothing I have are my jeans. Got several different styles, some new some old. We were looking through our shoe collection over the weekend, and realized I don't have any dress shoes, snow boots, or high boots. So with footwear, those are the three I'll need to look out for.
My 2-months long of work will be starting next Wednesday. So, I won't have much time to go out, as I don't like visiting malls over the weekends. But I do like your idea of taking little steps. As for telling my mum, I think I'll let it pass. Need to think of a what I can say or let her know, so that I don't get any negative feedback. I'll wait until she mentions it again to me. Gives me time to think things through.
Thank you for your suggestions, and your view of the situation~
@Jaeteuk
Jaeteuk, as much as I would like to agree with you that we moms are always right and that we know what is best for our children, I have to disagree. I am the mother of 2 adult children or, well, just one living. However, none of us can be completely sure that what we want our children to do and be is totally a parent's view. We hope and pray that we guide our children the right way, but it is not foolproof. When our children are young, we do our best to teach them good morals and principles. Even the best-laid plans can go astray.
When our children grow up to be adults, it is so hard for us to trust that what foundation we laid when we were younger has been enough, so we dove into trying to continue to correct and instill more into our children. Sometimes, we overstep our boundaries. You are at an age where you and your mom should be able to have a conversation about where you are and how you feel, so that may be helpful for her to understand you a bit better and why you do what you do. Oftentimes we are so close to our children that we miss key clues to something not quite so right. I can tell you love your mom and want to please her that is very admirable of you. You have to give that depression a voice. We parents can sometimes sense that something is not right but can not put our finger on it. We don't possess the gift of mind reading (No disrespect or disregard to you.)❤️
Honor your mom by doing your best to tell her where you are and why.I believe in you, and this first step may be hard, but it will free your mind and some of the things that are holding you back.
I am so grateful to have you here, talking and sharing your concerns. I hope that I have not offended you in any way because that was never my intention. I am here for you any time.
@WorkingitThrough2 I love the principal of honoring your mom 💗 (even us imperfect ones) and I agree that it's a real strength for you... AND I think it's great to think on it and kind of wait for an open door to talk in a little bit more depth with her. Maybe it's best to think of that in baby steps as well...
Also, you've got jeans! That's a good start! Maybe shoes is easier than shirts. Start where it's easiest!
It's always nice to hear what other moms think in this situation. Compared to my dad, my mum is already more open-minded, given my circumstances (with the depression and traumas). It has always been a struggle for me to express my feelings and thoughts to my family members, mainly because I have been turned down/brushed aside so many times in the past with my Depression, that I just end up not saying anything; because what they say would just upset me more.
As I got older, I just begin to filter the things she does end up telling me. The chat we had the other morning, it was a bit difficult.. we were both in our car garage, as we worked together going through our shoes.. so, we were both standing and it was getting colder and colder.. I was getting tired of standing and listening to her.. (I think this is why, previously we went out for coffee dates for our conversations). With the distractions of being in a public place, I don't get tired/sleepy as easily, my concentration is better.
This month seems to be going by so slowly.. maybe because I'm off for the first 2.5 weeks of the month. I got a message from my Manager this morning. She said a colleague called in sick for today and tomorrow, asked if I could work. I declined for today, as I had a final dental appointment (I was there for 4 hours! My appointment was supposed to start at 11am, but the Dentist didn't get to me until 5 minutes to noon, and we finished at 3:10pm). So, I told my Manager I'm only available tomorrow, but only for a partial shift. So, I'll be starting at 7:30am and leave by 2pm, rather than 3:30pm. (Mainly because I didn't want to pick up the shift, so I asked to leave earlier instead, as usually by that time, my primary work will be completed).
Oh look, I started talking about work.. Anyways, I wanted to say that this month is going by slowly, as I wait for some type of response from the company I sent off my Cover Letter & Resume to. Time seems to go by even more slowly, as I gave myself a time frame of a month before doing a follow-up, if I still haven't heard back from the company yet. As I mentioned somewhere before, I'm hoping this career change succeeds, as it will allow me to leave the country, and help force myself to face my traumas as I adjust to a new location for work. I think it would be easier to come out of my shell, when I'm in a position where I must adjust to change in order to survive; and in a place where I know nobody, those fears from the traumas won't be bothering me as much.
@WorkingitThrough2
