No words to explain what happened to me
TW FOR POSSIBLY SA AND MYSELF BEING A MINOR DURING THE TIME OF THIS STORY
When I was 15 or 16 I was being a dumb kid and messing around internet chat rooms. I went into one that I knew was explicit but I wasn’t thinking about the danger I was putting myself into. A man who was more than twice my age at the time messaged me talking about how the two of us should *** back and forth. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that because he was so much older than me and I was a minor, but he didn’t take no for an answer and kept insisting it was okay and would be fun until I said yes. I was smart enough not to share any photos of myself, but I did go along with his request to engage in sexual conversation with him. This started a long ongoing pattern of my teenage self going online to talk to men much older than me in a sexual manner and it has shaped all of my sexual experiences and kinks since then; even now at 23 I still seek out older men online sometimes even though my actions disgust me afterwards. I don’t have words to name what happened to me and I don’t know if I can even fully call it traumatic. When I was around 20 I came out as ftm and I now identify as both gay and asexual, but I’ve never been in a relationship, so I don’t know how I react when sex with someone irl is a possibility in order to fully know if/how my experience affected me. Like I said a bit earlier, I don’t even know what to call this. I don’t know if it counts as grooming or something else. The first interaction was only a one time thing, but it started such a long chain of putting myself back into the same situation with other men.
@Fynn016
I'm sorry that you experienced this. I would say what you experienced could definitely be seen as traumatic - there's a reason why there's an age limit on these things to protect you. The man who spoke to you was inappropriate to do so if he knew your age. They know they're doing wrong but they don't care. A teenage girl, who maybe has insecurities and low self esteem, might lean into that kind of attention from men because even though it might feel wrong, they're usually talking very highly of you and complimenting you and that's possibly what you were feeding off of; and that's perfectly understandable!
Your experience reminds me of the book My Dark Vanessa which I recently read (the book may be triggering for you though), and the character is understandably stuck on what happened to her, but also continues to speak to and prefer older men. There must be some kind of psychology behind this but I'm not entirely sure. Just know that you're not alone in your experience and people deal with things in their own ways. I wish you all the best.
@Fynn016
I took a phon.e call deliberately of someone from a porn site. Idk.. I guess I wanted to take 1 of those ads on an anime website for no reason. The night life exists online. He wanted me to gesticulate over the phone. I have gesticulated at home in psychotic episodes and I expected everyone to know about it like my wifi was hacked to begin with. I shared my inner Mexican with people offline before and the conversations are like scary and ego blowing. And like it seemed to have gone somewhere where I expect people have feelings for to know about it and I will never see these people in person.. they make a point of saying your gesticulation is so shameful I'd never want to see you.. because I know your personal life. Idk.. I like to imagine just not having these conversations with them and everything will be like normal. But I still expect them to know everything like God. And I think that's normal reaction.. in public. Tbh. I don't even know who likes me.. it's all gossip driven.. like I wouldn't tell the difference between a kind person and an aweful person. My mind settled that I run into very empathic people who just have your username on chat rooms for no reason because I don't know wtf is going on otherwise. And like I'm never going to be near people from the campus even if they were students..they never told me i was treated wrong or that I wasn't supposed to go through things. Idk I think the only people who watched me were literally teachers. .. but I don't want to blame people cuz I think the social setting took a shix years ago. People who don't glue, their relationship in public with dreams.. I don't think they really exist. I don't feel like I know those people well..I think myself Briggs lies. Because there are too many infp.. and I don't think that personality even migrates in the 90s anymore.
