S/A - Am I ever going to get over this?
It’s been almost 5 years and I’m getting tired of waiting. I don’t know what else to do. Some days I’m good and then other days I feel weak. I can’t even hear the word “rape” without freezing. I can’t have a relationship. I can’t be the person I was before neither the one I was supposed to be.
I wonder if I’m ever going to heal. If I’m going to trust someone ever again. I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to say it, to tell someone what really happened.
Im done with this. I don’t want to feel and I don’t want to remember and I don’t want to be the victim nor the survivor. I wish it didn’t happened. I don’t feel stronger and I don’t feel capable of letting it go. Ever.
I wish I could change that night. I don’t even look at anyone in the face (in the street or uni) cause I’m scared it will be him. I’m scared and I feel so alone in this.
I wish I couldn’t remember.
I don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t want to deal with this. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this.
I swear I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what else to do.
@maristrying
i understand what you must be going through but its high time to sort out your emotions . is it something that you have tried to do like recognising the emotions you felt towards that incidents and letting it out in a diary if you cannot find a friend. Again it was not your fault , just a bad day with bad people around . only things would have been different if there were only good people in the world. it was not your fault . i hope it helps you move forward. if there is still any lingering thoughts , you can definately talk about it, its a rather safe space.
Thank you🧡 I do keep track of my thoughts about the event in a notebook. It’s helpfull but it doesn’t help every time. Sometimes I find myself blaming me but I know the blame and shame belongs to him. It’s just difficult to think rationally when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
@maristrying hi I'm lola ❤ have you talked to a doctor or health professional about this?? I can understand how your feeling, so many of us hear understand your pain. I wish that night was different for you too!😞 but I think your very brave, this is a great place to start. And you've begun to tell your story. So your doing great ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
Thank you!! I did talked to a therapist but it made me feel worse. Maybe in the future I’ll try again. Sharing my story does make me feel better sometimes, I’m happy I get to do that😊
@maristrying we are always here for you ❤❤huggs you tightly ❤
@maristrying I had a family member that went through the same thing, please know that you are not alone, and the people who do this are worse than mouse droppings.
Thank you! I just need to remind myself I’m not alone sometimes. I hope your family member is healing❤️
Venting can help..
I wish I could say I had advice, but I'm more writing because I feel your pain. I've been running away, pushing away, my own assault for 10 years. I'm terrified of truly admitting what happened to me, because if I do, I have to face how powerless I truly am. My safety, my ability to feel in control, was stripped from me. It's the one thing I want back more than anything else. I barely trusted people before, but now... Let's just say it's much worse. I hear that people heal; I just don't understand how. At this point, healing feels like a pipe dream. But, perhaps this is a start. I absolutely wish you the best on your journey. You are not alone. ❤️
I completely understand what you’re going through. I’ve only started accepting it this last year and it is a painful process, but that’s the process that we need to do. It’s the path that was forced into us but that we need to accept. I’ve done so many things trying to re-gain the control that I lost but that only makes it worse. The truth is I have the control now and I have to deal with this even when I don’t want to, that’s how we win. We heal and we remember and we learn that guilt and shame and stigma is not ours to keep. I wish the easiest healing process to you❤️🩹
Dear @Maristrying,
I hurt for you, with you. You aren't stronger for it, rather you're strong because you haven't let it defeat you. You're still here, you're still you, you're still fighting--even if it's yourself or the trauma. Fighting is good, it means you're alive.
Life can be very hard, words are often cold and empty. There is nothing anyone can say to make it go away, to change the past, though I'm sure we would for you if we could. What happened to you sounds truly terrible and you have my deepest sympathies.
It doesn't get easier, but learning to cope helps. I hope you find the help you need ♡
thank you for your words❤️❤️ It’s hard to remember that pain comes in waves but there’re also so many good moments in life too
