TW: Explicit material involving minors
I don't know where to type this. It belongs in grief, trauma, abuse, relationships...
There's background story. Two years ago I discovered secrets about my mother that completely broke my heart. She worked with vulnerable children and teenagers. I discovered that she raised me in a cult and the cult leader abused teenagers. My mother helped him and covered up his crimes. It's a very sensitive topic for me and I'm still grieving all of that information.
In February, I met someone and we started dating. A month ago, I discovered he's into CP and I immediately broke up with him and blocked him. The girls that I saw in the photos looked anywhere from 12 to 16. I felt sick to my stomach. It brought back all of the pain I felt when I discovered my mother's secrets and I feel completely betrayed and disgusted. I reported him to an online tip line for CP (I'm legally obligated to do so because CP is a serious crime here).
For the past two weeks, I've been in a depression. I have trouble getting out of bed. I only leave my apartment to buy groceries. Otherwise, I haven't left. I'm really struggling and I don't know how to snap out of this.
@fearlessGlobe222
I am so sorry you had to discover those things about your mother. I can understand you feeling betrayed. That was very hard to learn about the person who raised you. You said that you reported this person but that now you are in like a depressed state.< or are you focussed on your mom's role in this that has got you feeling depressed, or is it because you had to turn in the man that was doing this?
You did what you felt was right, which is good. Your mom, on the other hand, has to live with what part she played in helping this man exploit these young ladies. I understand that finding out had to hurt you deeply. But I am glad that you did what was right ❤️. You hold your head up, and what mom did was not you. She will have to live with that. So, may I ask how your relationship with your mom will move forward? Does she know that you found out about her past? She may be sorry that she was involved in such a violation. Maybe try to tell her that you know, and maybe she will be able to tell you why and help you not to lose faith in her❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 😞 tw) people who abuse chi no I'm sorry
I finally understood what this says. I didn't understand "chi" at first. I thought it was referring to acupuncture.
I agree with you. Dead or alive, I'll never forgive what my mother did. It's inexcusable. Especially because she publicly championed for exploited children and won awards for it. Complete hypocrisy and corruption. There's no way to regain faith in that. What she did was wrong, end of story.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm so sorry. I just got a little triggered. I'm sorry sweetie ❤
@Tinywhisper11
No apology needed😊❤️
Thank you for acknowledging and validating how hard it is.
I'm not particularly focused on anything. I'm having a trauma response, which isn't voluntary. I'm primarily feeling unsafe with people because the betrayal of discovering that someone I thought I was safe with actually consumes illegal and exploitive teen material is so similar to the betrayal of discovering what my mother did.
There's only so much of that I can handle. At a certain point, it begins to feel like any effort to go out into the world is going to uncover everyone's dirty secrets. I've discovered many of these types of things in the past. A former friend from about 8 years ago. Secrets and disturbing things started to come out about him involving abuse and potentially murder. A meditation leader who was abusing women. I've seen so much of that stuff in my life.
The world seems corrupt and I don't know where to turn to get away from all of that.
To answer your question, my mother's been dead for almost 20 years. She's not living with the consequences of anything. I'm living with it.
@fearlessGlobe222
I am sorry. and yes you are right it does seem as though the corruption has taken wings, and it is everywhere. I am sorry that all of this is now surfacing and I am sure it has to be very upsetting,
I am at a loss for words, and I know you are suffering and still trying to make sense of all the stuff that has surfaced. Please try to get help so you are not trying to figure this all out on your own. Depression untreated can get worse. I am still here and willing to listen if you want to keep sharing in this thread❤️😊
Thank you. When I initially heard about my mom, I went into a deep hole for about two months and I eventually came out. This time it's been two weeks and I'm wondering if I'll come out without medication, like I did the last time.
It's all come to a boiling point. I've seen too much violence and unspeakable things in my life. It's too much for one person to carry. I'm too sensitive for this world.
There is currently an anti-LGBTQ+ demonstration happening not far from me. Recently, someone hung a banner spreading transphobic hatred. Over the summer, while doing my best to participate in the world and do fun things, I went to a festival with some friends and right at the entrance was a small hate group picketing.
Even closer to me is a series of racist graffiti that's been popping up around my neighborhood. Now someone else is going around filming racist people saying racist things to spread hatred back towards them.
I'm looking at areas in my country to live and have been looking at the community groups for various regions. They're full of infighting, political polarization, insults, and hatred. I can think of countless examples, but I digress. This country is divided and angry.
I'm taking my time to make this decision, but I'm seriously considering buying a small cabin on a private acreage where I can work remotely and surround myself with peaceful birds chirping, loving dog companions, and some great speakers to play music that brings me joy.
This last man that I dated feels like the last straw for me. I have no resilience left. I was abandoned by my father at two, molested by a family friend (roommate) at four, blamed for it by my mother, had my head dunked into water repeatedly as a form of torture, attacked again at eight, screamed at for hours by my father to k*** myself as a teenager (cult stuff), indoctrinated into bizarre cult teachings about aliens and the apocalypse, raped as an adult, dated five abusive men, watched many older men around me exploit teenagers, and on and on.
@fearlessGlobe222 torture was a big part of what my owners did too😞tw) they broke my spine, and cut some of my fingers off😞 my body is covered in burns, whip marks, ride words cut in my body. I've happened to talk to many people who were treated like you and I were in this site😞 it's terrifying how many people suffer this way
That's horrific and I'm so, so sorry. I'm not sure what to say. They didn't harm me as badly as that. My heart opens so wide open for you. I will never understand it. In solidarity ♥️
@fearlessGlobe222 hi sweetie ❤ Tw) i was born into a christian cult. They were bad people, I was kept as a slave mostly sex, for 18 years. Then finally law enforcement rescued me and a few other slaves. I'm disabled because of them😞 so I understand your pain. I don't leave the care home where I live now, it's scary out there. Anyways just no your not alone ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
Thank you. Yes, we're not alone. I know there are many of us escapees and survivors. It enrages me how many people have gone through what we did. I'm sorry they disabled you and used you. I know what that's like. Thank you for commenting. You're incredibly courageous.
@fearlessGlobe222
I'm so sorry that this happened to you; she was your mother, and you grew up trusting her and thinking that she was a good person. To have your childhood and how you were raised shattered like that, it must have been incredibly hard, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Your mother did horrible things against you and other children. It's not your fault; you couldn't have done anything to mitigate this situation as you grew up only being a kid at the time and not knowing any better about what your mother was doing.
I'm also sad to hear that you met someone and started dating them to find out they were into CP; that's horrible, and I'm glad you gained the courage to report them. But I'm so sorry you have had to meet another person like that and not know who to trust and who is involved in disgusting acts. You deserve better, and I hope that you meet someone who is moral and also understanding of the situation you came from and genuinely wants to help you heal and gain trust in others.
I'm not surprised that you have been feeling depressed; anyone in the same position as you would have trouble getting out of bed. Your trust in people you trusted has been destroyed multiple times, and it's a really hard thing. Perhaps, even though you are sad, you could try walking outside in your neighborhood a few minutes every day (if it's safe to walk outside and you don't have to talk to anyone) to help get some fresh air. It's true that you have trouble getting out of bed, but starting off with a small achievement--that you went outside--could potentially help you do other things. It's easier to feel sadder and become even more depressed if you are laying in bed the whole day.
I've also been in a similar position, so I understand how hard it is, but the little things can be very powerful in helping you slowly get there out of the depression. Perhaps you could also try drawing or journaling daily or meditation to help as well; not all of these may be interesting options for you, but they are ideas, and I believe in your ability to get out of this rut because you deserve to be happy and have someone you can trust.
Thank you ♥️ These are all wonderful suggestions. I'm trying very hard to force myself to snap out of the freeze and do something simple like take myself for a walk. It's very difficult. It fills me with intense anxiety and then I freeze. I'm trying...
@fearlessGlobe222
I'm glad to hear that they're potentially helpful; it's possible you may try them, and they don't help though. If that's the case, then know that not everything works for everyone, and there are potential alternatives. I can tell you are trying very hard to push yourself out of bed and do simple tasks; I understand how hard it can be since I have been there as well and perhaps I will be there again. If you're able to do some of these activities on some days but struggle more at others, it doesn't mean that you're a failure. I think having those small victories sometimes could be helpful and are small steps forward in the long run and can help you slowly get to where you want to be.
Thank you so much. It's tremendously helpful to read that.