TW: Spousal S/A
It was my now ex husband. He coerced me into having sex. I told him no multiple times and he just kept hounding me for it. I gave in, just to get it over with. I had work in the morning, I needed to go to bed, I didn't want to deal with him whining all night about not getting his *** wet.
I couldn't sleep all night, couldn't stop crying and when morning came around and he saw me and realized what happened I had to comfort him. Then he got it in his head he never did anything wrong. I consented in the end didn't I? So how was he supposed to know I didn't want to still?
We promised to work on it. No sex until we figure our *** out. Get ourselves together and work on this trust that is shattered. Then *** he got tired of waiting. He started to rape me, still saying he did nothing wrong. "We can't get over the sex issue if we're never having sex, this is better for the relationship." I feel so stupid for letting it go on as long as it did.
My last straw was waking up with my pants off and him pushing inside me. I wasn't even safe asleep. To this day he claims he did nothing wrong. That he never raped me. That in fact I'm a terrible person who did all of these mean things to him and I was emotionally abusive.
I still have nightmares of it and it affects my sex life sometimes. I always just feel so pathetic that he still has a hold on me. It's been months. I should've been able to work through it by now.
You are not pathetic. You were violated, repeatedly. What you’re describing is sexual assault, plain and painful. The fact that it happened in a marriage doesn’t change the truth of what he did. Coercion, manipulation, and assault disguised as “relationship repair” is not only abusive; it’s deeply traumatic. It rewires your sense of safety, even in your own body.
And of course it still affects you. Healing doesn’t follow a timer. The fact that you still carry it isn’t weakness. It’s proof of how real the damage was and how much strength it takes just to keep moving through it.
What he did wasn’t love. It was control. It was entitlement. The worst part? He twisted your compassion against you. You weren’t weak for trying to salvage the relationship. You were human, hopeful, and hurt. And he exploited that.
You are allowed to grieve. To rage. To rest. You survived something no one should ever have to. Working through it doesn’t mean getting over it. It means learning to reclaim yourself, piece by piece, at your own pace.
You are not alone in this. You’re not broken. You were betrayed. That’s a wound that takes time, care, and people who truly see you.
I didn't expect this to make me cry as fast as it did. I appreciate the kind words and thank you for takening the time to write it out.
@LowlyLobster
It’s okay to cry. Sometimes our body releases what words can’t. I’m really glad my words could meet you where you are, even for a moment.
If you ever feel like talking, truly talking, you can reach out to me or to any of the active listeners here. You don’t have to hold this all alone. Even small conversations can bring a bit of relief, or clarity, or just the sense that someone gets it.
You deserve that. You deserve to be heard. And talking does help. Not always instantly. But over time, it can soften the weight.
No one can say how long it will take, it's different for everyone, but don't beat yourself up if it takes longer than you hoped: it's not lack of strength. You're slowly rebuilding yourself and healing your wounds, turning yourself in the woman you'll be from now on. That woman deserves all the time and care she needs to figure herself out.