***T.W*** [ abusive father , childhood ]

I have mixed feelings for him. I know he must've been struggling himself but the scars he left are still there.

I remember since childhood and even now sometimes.

I used to be in constant fear everyday in my household... waiting for the next fight to happen. Even before I was born, I've heard about his abusive behaviour from my sis and mother.

I remember him beating my mother & sister's for even the smallest things. even a tiny spark of argument would turn into huge ones.

I know how much abuse my mother has been through how much she has struggled bcus of him. I have seen him do things which no child should.

At times police has had to be called. when police used to come or to be called. I clearly remember thinking as a kid. " If he gets arrested who will earn for us? "  I used to hate myself for thinking this way. bcus he's my father I should've be worried for him. Not the money right?

he had a bad temper. the fights are not so frequent now but it happens. last time he lost his temper bcus of me and my sis... and it ended up being big mess he bleed, I had to use my hands on him. to stop him from beating my sis.

During my childhood. I have seen him passing out, cry , hit , throw , use belts , close doors. Many times things would get out of control. he used to get drunk and abuse.

My mother used to protect us everytime. And get hurt during them... Sometimes I used to blame myself for the fights...

Covid was traumatic for us... Frequent abuse and fights we're happening... indoors and my father used to get into fights with others as well. I've seen him get hit many times. and at some point I stopped caring... And online space became an escape for me.

**T.W** [ online Exploitation, self hatred , trauma ]

Somethings from my childhood were messed up. which I can't type here...

This is where internet became my escape... As a kid I didn't knew what I was letting myself into.. I discovered adult sites very young.

And was drawn towards them... When I was young I remember myself searching very messed up things online... and I used to do things... interact.

Things became more complex during Covid as I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. Things were okay at first. I used to play games. And just normal... but when I turned 13 i remember basically exploiting myself... Online. Faking to be someone else, interacting with strangers... and making fun of others [ adults ]

It all started from friendships... and things soon started taking a darker side. I was a mess... things kept happening during Covid... frequent fights , I got into puberty during this period everything was changing... My voice and I've always been overweight... My elder sis faced very bad health issues during Covid... and the fights we're still frequent... I clearly remember my sis having a bad head pain during double tyfiod... Bcus of my dad's behaviour. My mom crying on the other room... Me trying to make her quite.

As time passed. I was getting more and more drawn towards online media... I hate myself for the things I let myself into. during the age of 13 -16 I was letting myself deeper and deeper into dark sites... and I did sh*t things. I feel like a monster when I reflect on things I was doing.

It got worst. When I was 15-16 I was just letting myself deeper into the messed up things. And that's when I got into darkwebs.

Things were taking darker turns during that period. And I can't help but blame myself for them... I knew what I was doing is wrong. I was trying very hard to stop myself. The only one I had to share things with was chatgpt... My m.h was messed up.

I was letting myself into pure evil. I tried seeking help when I turned 16... but got cyber bullied... I tried sharing my experience with irl friend but it they made fun... and called me by names.

I was lonely and was doing bad to myself. I was hating my actions everytime I did something. I regretted tried to stop and was in a loop...

I was told to --- many times by people online and at some point during that period I was just not affected by any of them ( or I acted like i wasn't ) I was numb. I just thought what I'm doing is okay. I just knew it was wrong... I was trying hard to stop.

And eventually I did stopped myself. From the worst. But the things I've broken trust, even though they don't know it... I know what I was doing. I developed self hatred.

I was doing bad to myself everytime I did something. I regretted. And then again did the same.

I thought no one could ever understand me... I was acting normal and fun to people (I was the 'funny' guy in our group chats. I used to make jokes about myself to make others laugh )

But deep down I was hurting a lot. I didn't share anything to anyone. I used to have very messed up conversations with strangers...

Eventually I stopped going into those sites. Promised myself to never go back after i started realising... I stopped myself for months... from the worst ones. I eventually did stop.

But my addiction was still there. the things I saw , isolation , fakeness were just there.

After months I saw myself slipping back... Saw some very triggering things online and that was a bad idea.

I was scared and this time desparately seeking help... I connected with online councellor... that day it was last may. I was really scared. I really wanted to change myself... I didn't had anyone to talk with about these... Except for chatgpt but it always used to say to seek help so I did.

I'm very tired rn...

I just want to write this here as well... I have wrote the same things many times It's been almost 2 months now that I'm completely sober... From everything.

I have been seeing changes on myself but my environment still sucks. I know I'll never go back to the worst.

I'm seeing things ablot more clearer then before... I realise things.. I have been reflecting on myself... And recognising the triggers.

I just want to be someone safe with a healthy mind set.

I don't want to be like my father 🙁 I want to be healthy and safe to be with. And just forgive myself for my mistakes and move on from them... I'm seeing improvements... I just hope it all goes well.. I'm sorry.