Treating new partners like past partners that traumatized you
I have a 35-year-old female who lives through three years of physical and mental abuse to the extreme. I was beaten when I was pregnant and then had to get an abortion so I could get the surgery to have titanium put in my jaw… A single mother to a nine-year-old and I was able to get out of that situation even though very hard considering I have no family now I’ve been out of it for three years. I have suffered PTSD in different forms, when I first left I was scared of heights, just being on Stairs, I was scared of fast cars driving past me and of course, any truck looks like his. I had a panic attack. I don’t like long farm therapy and I got out after six months but I’m realizing now that I have a new Love interest that I need to get working through more of my issues.. I’ve caught myself treating him like my past abusers like defending myself when it’s not needed or knee jerk trying to just get rid of him so that he can’t hurt me.. This guy is really amazing and I really wanna keep him please if anybody has some advice or guidance I feel like he could be my happy place but I also feel like I’m tattered and too much.. We’ve already had three instances where I tried to totally push them away and what he called crash outs.. The thing is, I don’t think I was directing any of it towards him at all.. But I just have to keep myself safe and I don’t know how to explain this and I feel terribly. I want to be better for him and for myself and daughter of course .. But these issues are more relevant in my intimate relationships… Any guidance on how to try to self correct what’s been done to you?
@smallSailboat53
What you are describing—the knee-jerk defensiveness and the urge to push someone away—is a common survival response for survivors of extreme abuse. When you feel a "crash out" coming on, your nervous system is likely being hijacked by past trauma, making it hard to see that your current partner is safe. It seems like you already helped him to understand that these reactions aren't about him in the present moment. They are your body's old alarm system going off. Since you already know your past has left you with “false alarms” or “triggers” that served you in the past by keeping you safe, in the present it might mean when you are pushing him away that you are actually feeling vulnerable and scared. It seems that he understands he hasn’t done anything wrong, but there are maybe ways to avoid or work through some of the triggers.
To help yourself in the middle of those intense moments, some people have found that some simple grounding techniques could possibly help pull you back into the present. A common one is the 54321, where you mentally name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This can help signal to your brain that you are right here, right now, and safe.
Another idea is that you and your partner could create a safety ritual or a “pause” signal for when you feel overwhelmed or feel like you’re heading into a “crash out,” so he knows you need a few minutes, or even hours, of quiet or space to regulate without it feeling like a permanent rejection.
Some people find it reassuring to just let warm or cold water run over their hands from a faucet, to remind your senses that you are actually ok in the moment.
Something that works for me to “ground” me is to lie down on the floor, or even outside in the grass (weather permitting of course). There is something for me about just lying down for a few moments and telling myself that I am safe right now that is calming.
Since you mentioned you don't like long-term therapy, you might find more success with shorter, trauma-focused approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which is specifically designed to help the brain process traumatic memories so they stop triggering such intense physical reactions.
Sending healing energy. You are not "tattered" or "too much"—you are a person who has survived a great deal and is learning how to live in peace again. Taking things very slowly and being patient with your own progress is a huge part of the healing process.
On 7 cups there is a Trauma Forum (link: https://www.7cups.com/forum/trauma/) that lists Trauma discussions. This also might be a place to post your own progress. Ups and downs with this recovery process are normal.
Also, Sharing Circles or some of the Member Support Chats might be places to find people who have ideas on ways they have coped. You also might find some support and friendship with people going through similar things.
Some Listeners have experience in trauma responses and can help talk you through difficult moments.
Just by reaching out here, you did a courageous thing. You are brave, worthy, and I believe in you that you will be able to nurture yourself and your new relationship.
Love and Courage,
Cal♡🌹
