i don’t know

i don’t really know how to even start this. over new year’s eve, i think i was taken advantage of. or SA. idk which one to use. but on new years i was very drunk. i’m 20 years old. i drank with my older sister but she went to bed, and so i was going to sleep too. but my little cousin, who’s 16 i think, came over and got me to go over to his house next door to keep drinking. i was already really drunk but i agreed. we go to his house and drink and talk. he pulls out a bottle and makes me a mix. i don’t remember anything that happened next. i only remember getting a couple glimpses and then nothing. we were sitting on separate sides of his kitchen table, then it goes black. the next second i see he’s now sitting beside me. it goes black again. then he’s kissing me. it goes black. and we’re in his living room now, and he’s kissing me more. goes black again, i look down and see i have nothing on anymore. but he has all his clothes on and only pulled his pants down. he had me on top. it goes black, and suddenly i’m on the sitting back on the couch and his older brother saw us. he’s getting mad at my cousin who stands up mad and they start to fight. i didn’t know what was happening but there was a blanket covering me. his mom woke up from all the fighting and yelling. she sees them fighting, sees me with nothing but a blanket, and comes over to me and slaps me across the face. she yells at me. i got dressed, couldn’t find my shirt or sweater, but there was a cardigan behind me so i put that on and covered myself. i get up and grab my phone, i tell her i’m sorry and i didn’t know what happened. i walk home crying and confused. and called my friend sobbing. i go to my room and text my sister and mom. my sister laid with me and helped me.

i found out his girlfriend had made a snap about me. i don’t know what she said about me cause i told my sister i didn’t want to know. but im so scared. i don’t want anyone knowing, im embarrassed and humiliated. his family saw me.

i feel disgusting, uncomfortable, embarrassed, and ashamed. i haven’t left my house. my friend came over to stay with me so im not alone. but im still scared. im so exhausted. i just wanted to get this off my chest. so if you’ve read it all thank you for listening.