A Raven's Eye
This is simply to open my "page" or diary. I may not write here for a bit.
~SpruceRaven
Musings
I never did post about Spruce trees or Ravens here. I had intended to. Sort of like decorating my house ... Feng Shui for the "Nest" and discerning eye. 🙂 Maybe I will before I go.
I already have a journal though. In the outside world. And I already know what they mean to me. So...maybe it's a bit pointless and silly to do it. . Kind of like overacting .(shrug)..We'll see. 🙄🐕🌲🌲
Funny how it is only just now in this moment that I have this almost physical, concrete feeling like walking through an empty house after the movers have boxed everthing up: looking for last little things that didn't get packed; trailing my hands along banisters and door frames, sitting on the floor in the square of sunlight streaming in from the window. Sitting. Being. Connecting. Reminiscing and...storing those memories. Saying goodbye. Still and quiet. Surrounded by space ...and possibility. A moment tjat seems so very rich tjat it could last...forever.
I'm a story teller and poet...an observer of sorts...often attacked by poems in the most interesting moments ehich DEMAND to be allowed out RIGHT NOW! :-) Whether they're good or not....seems to vary. But it's been like that since I was 5 or so....or maybe sooner (though I couldn't write yet then). A friend of sorts...walking beside me. Something i can't NOT do....like breathing.
I never talked about that either here. Nor about languages or travel or the the things that light me up inside. I guess that's just human of me.
Isnt it funny though ...the things it doesnt occur to us to share...maybe because theyre so much a part of ourselves we cant see them...maybe we're out of practice. All the treasures that make up a person. Each one as unique and complex as a snowflake. Interesting.
For anyone reading this ...if you're positovely touched by this or want to leave.a goodbye note that's positive...please do.
If it's ..Analysis, debate, feelings to be resolved...opinions and judgements...advice.... I just dont have strength for it right now. Simply dont. Simply cant. Physically, mentally emotionally cannot. Not even in WANTING to figure it out or try again can i find the energy or capabiliry to be up for it. This distresses me...and I hope it passes soon. Because I need to be in better shape than this. I've always been strong, and resilient. So veing this fragile...in public....is just...the worst.
There's no hidden meaning in the above...no judgement, no grudge ...no triangulation..no passive aggressiveness. No accusation nor anger. Not even terror nor fear.. No drama, attention seeking nor agenda.
It's a boundary. It's an admission that I have hit my limit and exhausted...everything.
This is my house. My nest. I'm here for closure and to say good bye. So if you can be kind or neutral...please come on in. If you can't...please don't. Thank you.
@SpruceRaven
"Like walking through an empty house after the movers have boxed everthing up: looking for last little things that didn't get packed; trailing my hands along banisters and door frames, sitting on the floor in the square of sunlight streaming in from the window. Sitting. Being. Connecting. Reminiscing and...storing those memories. Saying goodbye. Still and quiet. Surrounded by space ...and possibility."
This actually makes me a bit sad and happy at the same time. So nostalgic..
I'm happy I found out a little more about you in the last posts. I loved especially the story of your nickname.
It's cute and precious that a raven picked you and kinda seems to wanna protect you.
As for the closure..
I feel like I've already said a lot yesterday and today, so I'll consider the post on my profile as my "official" goodbye.
I wish you happiness, Raven 
I'm glad that we met and honored that I could be your friend
@lonelyandsickFede💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞❣❣❣💝💝💝💝💝💝 I can't imagine a more amazing sendoff. Splenor in the 11th hour. You've given me so much Fede. And I'll carry it with me as I fly on. You don't hsve to say anymore espec if it doesnt feel right or timely or out of flow for you. Just knowing you are there...id huge. What you've done is huge.
Check in if you like . Be it silent or no. Be at ease in my house. I don't know just exactly when I'll be leaving...though it will definitely ve vwfore the month is out. "Rent's paid up" so to speak....so it's okay if I take my time a bit and do a proper job of it. I may tell a few more syories for my own sake or who knows what....whatever is "needed" before I turn the lock, drop a few feathers, and launch myself out once again. Thanks for bring there at the end. It meant everything. Still does.
@SpruceRaven 💗💞💓💟 I'm happy to hear that, Raven. I would have never imagined my words could have such a big impact on someone. I'm really glad they did
I felt like I shouldn't add more here because I didn't wanna overwhelm you. But if you don't mind hearing my words then I'll happily say more right before you fly away.
@lonelyandsickFede Please do!
Fluff up the Nest and stay awhile.
Just please make sure to take of YOU....FIRST!
💝💝💝HUGS.
Forgot to tell you how much I love that rainy photo you have as your profile pic. The view out the window reminds me of any number of lovely villages and hamlets I lived in in Europe over the years.🙄😍🙂 ...even the rain😏🙂☺💞
@SpruceRaven Oh, you're the first to notice my profile pic :D I'm glad you like it. It makes me very nostalgic
@lonelyandsickFede may i ask for where?
@lonelyandsickFede you're nostalic for ....a certain country? Is it okay to ask you were?
@SpruceRaven
Of course it's ok to ask :) However it doesn't make me nostalgic for a place in particular.
t's just a mixture of melancholy and nostalgia.
Rain makes me sad and hopeless but also happy and peaceful. It's a bittersweet feeling, I suppose.
That, and I miss walking during rainy days and smelling the scent of rain, feeling the rain on my head and cheeks, hearing the sound of raindrops on my umbrella, looking at the cloudy sky..
I miss being outside when it's sunny too, especially when the sky and clouds look so perfect, but I miss it when it's rainy too.
I don't know for sure why I get more nostalgic and sad with rain, but it might be because when it rains I can hear it the whole time, and it reminds me that I can't go out.
@lonelyandsickFede I love all the descriptions.
Good night Fede.
@lonelyandsickFede
Your.. words
Your presence
Your finding the best in me somehow
Your not giving up on me
The comfort offered ...no matter what
💖💖💖💖💖
@SpruceRaven
Of course, Raven! I'm happy to be here for you 
@lonelyandsickFede I saved this feather so I can take it with me.
@SpruceRaven Oh, you liked the feather?! It took me kinda long to find that picture, but as soon as I saw it, I thought it was perfect for this moment.
@lonelyandsickFede Yes...perfect!
What alot of trouble and care you took!
A Raven note to Fede if you make it here:
I have to go to another town today to say goodbye to a friend who's dying. It will bw a long day ...so I wont be here like I said I would. Andd maybe the question ...isn't importamt. I'm just...in the process of change....and OF COURSE poems are coming with it.
So maybe if you would just ...watch over me...I'm doing the best I can.
Thanks.
@lonelysickFede
I think I forgot to tag you in my other note to you this a.m. Come on in if you like. Sorry there's no furniture. I'll be gone till late....maybe even 11pm
I knowI asked you to come talk...but you dont have to. Just hold a space for me okay. Even just in your head.
I may leave some of my peoms here id thry finish coming in. Who knows .?
Just....cleaning house and trying to unfold Thanks for listening.🌞💝.
@SpruceRaven
I just woke up, but I'm here now
I'm sorry about your friend. 
That must be horrible.. I can't imagine how hard it must be on you as well. Give them a big hug for me too! And I'll be here if you need me, Raven. I'm listening
@lonelyandsickFede Thank you Fede. Almost to their house now so I'll be gone from here for awhile. So thoughtful of you re a hug for thrm. I certainly will!
Make yourself at home. Have a hot drink or make a fire. There's probably still a chair on the porch.
Thanks for being...here
Being....you.
For....Being.🌈🌞💗
@SpruceRaven
Thank you for being you
Yes, your nest is quite comfy :) I'll stay here for quite long
@lonelyandsickFede 😁💓Wonderful ❣
@lonelyandsickFede..
I wrote you another note but dorgforgotot the "and" in your tag. So.. it got sent but idk where! 🙄😨🙃
@SpruceRaven
Ah, sorry.. My nickname is a bit long. The tag didn't work for this post but I checked the thread often anyway :)
@lonelyandsickFede Phew!
Oh...there it is....
Man. I need some SLEEP!
@lonelyandsickFede
Hi. A brief moment here before we head down so my friend can sit and smell the the ocean. It's not far...(for most) and she wants it....so we'll give it a go.
Anyway, got to thinking Fede....and I feel I was out of line to post that requeat to you on my Fede. So...I'm sorry if I messed up and I hope it didnt cross some line with you. I'm taking it down. 🙂
And bleh on all that too. I meant no harm. I'm a happy positive proactive compassionate person overall.. I'm going to the beach for a bonfire and music with my friend. (She decided it wasnt fair if she missed the funeral a.k.a "party" ....so we're having one....party and wake with her calling the shots.) Isnt she awesome?
Oops i meant to say "on my Feed"... not Fede
@SpruceRaven
Don't worry! I didn't take offense. You can call me Feed if you wanna 
Haha, no, that would make things confusing D:
@lonelyandsickFede Ha ha. 😀🙄😄
@SpruceRaven
I hope your friend can enjoy the salty scent of the ocean and some sunlight. Ahh, it's so heartbreaking 
No no! You didn't cross any line. Please don't delete anything for me. I'm happy when you reply or repost my words :)
Yea.. Your friend really seems awesome. It must be really hard to have to say goodbye to her. I just hope she.. doesn't suffer too much. Ah, makes me wanna cry.. 
@lonelyandsickFede Thanks re suffering. I hope she doesn't either.
@lonelyandsickFede We had a lovely time at the beach with a driftwood fire some food and music. One guy was strong enough to even dance her in her wheelchair in the sand. She REALLY loved that!
She's taking a nap now with some people staying nearby. I'm out walking amidst the trees with my dog....followed vy yes...some raven and an eagle or two overhead.
She says she wanta to go with the moonrise...so I'm still here in case she means TONIGHT!
@SpruceRaven
I'm glad you had fun together I'm sure she was happy with you by her side and I bet she considers today the most precious.
@lonelyandsickFede
Thank you it was reslly special.
(Guess what ? ...you wrote this SEVENTEEN HOURS AGO...and I only just received it).
@SpruceRaven
I'm happy to hear that!
Oh. Wow.. This bug really sucks. As if the no-notifications issue wasn't enough D:
@lonelyandsickFede Yeah.
I'm thinking that I might write a thread on it (not a rant...just an fyi) in addition to alerting tech support.
So we've got:
1.No notification (not just the one notification per thread per day)
2. Followers/Following lists --either not accurate or not containing the same info even depending upon which Member's liat it is (i will mine our other posts on that)
3. SEVERE time delay on many posts.
4. A possible glitch or delay even in a realtime posting exchange in 1 to 1 chat with a Listener (this happenes for me and my Listener yesterday)
Do you have anything else to add?
@SpruceRaven
Good idea! I like that
Mmmhh.. No, I think that's all 
@lonelyandsickFede Kay. Thanks.
@lonelyandsickFede Hope you are doing well wherever you are and whatever time it is there.
@SpruceRaven Thanks :) I wasn't anywhere, really, I just got all your posts (and no notifications all day..)
@lonelyandsickFede lol that poat waa awnt 18 hours ago @ 10 a.m. ET on Tuea 20 March. (IT IA now 3:41 a.m. on Wed 21 March.
Crazy huh?
@SpruceRaven Woah. Really?!
@lonelyandsickFede
Yeahhhh. (HUUUGE SIGH!)🙁
@lonelyandsickFede Sending you:
Nostalgic rain⛆🌧🌦🌞
@SpruceRaven Aww
I'm going to miss her alot. It could ve anytime now that she passes...goes..dies. She thinks Thursday. I don't know if I'll ve able to get down here again before then...ao this her/our day.
Yeah....it's tough
Oh....she was so thrilled to have your hug! We played it like I waa two different people and I walked in as you and told her that you'd heard auch wonderful things about her from me and wanted her to know how special she was. Then I gave your hug. 💝...😢💓💔
@SpruceRaven Ahh.... that's so heartbreaking, I can't stop crying.. I'm so sorry, Raven. It must be so hard and depressing.
...uhm.. As horribly sad as it will be, I think seeing her before - sigh - before the time comes might be the best choice. I feel that you may regret not being there. And I would feel more peaceful knowing that such a precious friend stayed by my side until the very end.
But of course, you don't have to do it if you think it's too much for both of you. Really, do what you think is best
@lonelyandsickFede
IAM seeing her. That what's yesterday and part of today are about. I dont live in the same town anymore (read 3 hour trip) and we dont know when she will go. It could be anytime....
I hear you though. Of COURSE I want to swe more of her.
@lonelyandsickFede
So it's not about how diificult it is or that I don't want to .... it's about the fact that she lives 3 hours away.
She doesnt expect people to stop working their jobs etc just to sit with her. If I still lived there i would be going by every day.
That's what the party/ "live funeral" was about:
"if you're all going to get together to celebrate me and my life... let's do it BEFORE I die." And we did. And we are. It's been amazing.
@lonelyandsickFede She's not alone.☺ There are people with her.💝
@lonelyandsickFede
She won't BE alone when she leaves (though I have known people who wait till wvwryone'a left the room or gone off to sleep a bit or whatever...and they choose then to go.)
@lonelyandsickFede
Well i didnt word some of that the way I meant.
I meant...of course I want to be there with and for her. She knows that. 💓🙄
@lonelyandsickFede And I AM there...even when I'm not. In heart and mind. She knows that too.
@SpruceRaven I get what you mean now. I misunderstood because I didn't know the things you just told me. I hope you didn't take offense.
@lonelyandsickFede No no not at all! No offense. Didnt think it at all.
@SpruceRaven
By the way, I'm sure she knows you're a great friend
@lonelyandsickFede Oh thank you! (And LOOK...another time delay!...you prob wrote that at the same rime as you post just previous....and it didn't show up till 3-5 hours later!)🤔🤔🤔🤔
@lonelyandsickFede
Hey I feel like I said to much. It looks like you looked at some of my posts but not all. So I'm not going to tag you unless I hear from you. It could just be the time delay tjing again.
Hard to tell. I just have this odd feeling that something has changed...and I don't want to force anything..
You've been very lovely and kind to me.
Thank you again for everything. 😀
Just FYI...when my diary deletes and my acct deactivates...some of things I sent on feed prob will too. So if you want to keep them, now's your chance. 🙂
@SpruceRaven
Nothing has changed, Raven. 😕 It's really only the bugs screwing up the posts and notifications again. I told you several times and it upsets me that you still doubt me even when you can see the truth with your own eyes.
I was gonna answer the rest nicely but at this point you're just gonna think it's a lie.. 😞
@lonelyandsickFede
I'm not going to think it's a lie.
I agree it's the glitches and I even said so later.
Please dont feel that way.
I hope you recive this in time for that feeling that I doubt you not to set in. This is an area that I'm working on healing, as you know. And you've been awesome about it.
I was just releasing a feeling but I'm beginning to think I need to do that in a more private way because it is consistently being recived as a personal attack or commentary when it's really just me claiming a feeling to release it and then see how it changes.
It is defintely the sort of thing I would PUT in a journal/diary IRL so that I could process it safely. I feel I am learning that diaries here on this site function more as chat rooms and places to share..It's more of a public forum ...that belongs to all the participants who visit there. That's not a bad thing....ut's just different from my own previous perception and experience of what a diary is.
And, I'm thinking ....at least for my own choice, that means that I shouldnt come to my public diary until I've let things sit a bit. I feel this is doubly important since each and any of us (muswlf inclused) can often ve sharing woundings, trauma, emotions and difficulties we are working through.
We are sharing very intimate, vulnerable, unresolved personal matters -- thoughts explorations what did or did not go well ..how that feels...sometimes we are talking about other people in our outer world lives or our work.
It's ALL very personal stuff. And almost everyone I've met here,( yourself included,) .....all these people...are deeply caring, deeply thinking and deeply feeling people; with wounds and problems of their own; who need and deserve to ve seen, heard and supported in whatever they are going through and trying to resolve and heal; who need to be supported as they are working through how to keep going in theirs lives with all this.
And we become invested in each other. We see ourselves in each other. This usually creates: a great deal of community and healing and relief. On the other hand, we can inadvertently end up triggering one another or accidently touching a sore spot or area of great sensitivity....
I think, too, that the online environment ( and particularly things like texting or chat rooms and forums), --- is very rapid and high-paced. It carries with it a sense of urgency and that we must reply right away. Alot of us are very proactive --we want to figure things out, we want to help people, we want to help ourselves, we are doing our best to put our best foot forward.
The pace and immediacy of it alone....the energy of it.... reads alot like adrenaline---
If things are going great and we are synching with each other-- thst pace, thst adrensline helps: we're fetting ehst ee need and right away.
If we feel triggered or somehow manage to misread each other (which is just so easy to do and have happen anywhere with anyone)... then that same fuel can help send us rspidly in the other direction -hurt, offense, defense, sadness, fifht, flight, freeze.
It is SO easy to take things personally even when they are not meant that way. And I think ANY person when they are in the midst of dealing with something difficult, or are triggered.... can be so lost to the outer world and what is going on with other people ehen thry are in the midst of that turmoil-- it would be very hard for them to ...get through whatever that is AND be thinking about how it might be affecting those around them.
Now add in a significant time delay as to when and what order things cycle in and fet posted as opposed to when they were actually written. They come in out of order. It affects the conversation and whst people feel they are hearing and being told.
-----And, vsck to You and I"💓💗
Some of your posts came in here...SEVENTEEN HOURS AFTER you had written them. You wrote and posted them when i was actively online and here in this thread. We were BOTH here. And I didnt know you were...because I didnt receive them till nearly a day later.
We are both trying to be there for each other. Okay?
@SpruceRaven I'm sorry for thinking you would have misunderstood. Though you really didn't hurt me. It was all mostly because of what happened here few days ago and I didn't want it to happen again.
I was just afraid you were doubting me, that you would think I hated you and were gonna avoid me for it, and that you'd delete the diary and your account immediately because of that. This led me into being angry because I thought you didn't believe me despite my nice words and effort to make you happy, so I lost my patience and thought I might as well not bother talking because I thought you considered me a liar.
That's quite a lot of stuff, but I could easily sum it up saying I was angry because I thought you were doubting me and leaving because of the bugs/delay.
I'm just explaining of course, it's all gone. I understood now, and you understood too, so it's alright
----
Your long speech makes so much sense. I couldn't have said it better myself!
Especially the online thing. I can see it affect me as well, not just people in general.
I've had far more interactions and friendships online than IRL - I'd say almost exclusively online in the last 4 years and a half, as I go out almost only for doctor appointments and very rare occasions - so it's normal to me and I'm used to it.
Besides, I'm very shy in person. Though until some years ago I used to be even shyer, to the point I couldn't even chat online properly. I could hardly say hi back then.
A "friend" convinced me to join a big group of people and they sorta forced me to open up (at least they did something good, between all the bad things..) and so I started typing, and eventually said more and more things.
After about 6 years, we were all close and the group had about 50 members, and I was known as the overly talkative fast "typer" who never actually spoke and always read the whole conversation (including what was said while I was offline). In group calls, you could clearly hear me almost constantly typing fastly on my keyboard, so it kinda became a running joke in the group. Everyone I met online who noticed I typed a lot in few seconds would always get both impressed and amused by it.
Now - almost 3 years since I left the group - I type even faster and without ever looking at the keyboard, I say a lot more things, and as you can see I have no issues telling anyone whatever I think.
My fiance was curious about how fast I could actually type, so I tested it on one of those sites where you gotta type random words (which is way harder than typing what you think and wanna say) and the result with the best accuracy (as in 0 mistakes or typos) I got was 491 CPM or 98 WPM.. So pretty fast.
You might think "What does this have to do with anything I said? Is she trying to show off?". No, not really. This just proves what you said, because for years I've kept answering messages and other things so quickly that I eventually got this fast at typing, and it completely changed my way to communicate.
So I totally understand the "urgency" and fast paced conversations. At this point, chats are often faster than conversations IRL, as sometimes you wouldn't even manage to read a whole message out loud in the amount of time it took you to type it or to read it.
But I'm digressing. Sorry.. Don't mind me. 
@lonelyandsickFede🎊 Hi! How very HAPPY I am to have a lovely long message from you!💓💓💞💞💞🌞🎉 I just love talking with you! Hope you find this soon!
I may respond to your post above more than once as I won't be here much today.
---
So! First of all....98wpm Wowww! Well done Y❤U! I think I'm only at 88wpm ...though you haven't seen that really (that's on a regular keyboard) and I have been on my phone this whole time. And as you know...FTS (Fat Thumb Syndrome 🤣🤣😄😒🤷🙄.
I'm liking hearing about the group you joined and how it helped you open up.
And I LOOOVE it : not only rhat you say what you think but also that you have so much empathy and compassion and are always willing to try again and let things go when they're over. And not only that, but that you take people at their word. These are such admirable qualities! I feel very fortunate to have met you. Your personality and character really shine through!🌞🌞🌞
@SpruceRaven Aww I love your long messages too :) You're so fun to talk to!
----
Oh.. I could tell you more about it, if you're curious
----
"Not only rhat you say what you think but also that you have so much empathy and compassion and are always willing to try again and let things go when they're over. And not only that, but that you take people at their word. These are such admirable qualities! I feel very fortunate to have met you. Your personality and character really shine through!"
Awwwww How can you be so sweet? I wanna hug you until you realize I'm lucky to have met you.
You're so kind and caring..
@lonelyandsickFede 💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝💝HUG FEST!
@SpruceRaven Yaaaaaaaaaay *many hugs*
@lonelyandsickFede Hey..and "Digression" might be my middle name! Lol😉😉 So....digress away if you want. 💓 I usuallt have alot of thought threads going at once. !
-----
Curiousity Questions: Why did you leave that group?
Is your not interacting IRL mostly due to the difficulties you are dealing with re the "sick" part of your profile name?
Do you want to share about that? (You may have already and I've not found this yet). I am remembering one of your feed posts -- e.g. "what disability looks like" ...so just wondering how you are affected. <--- if you dont want to talk about this or if this feels like an invasion then of course ...don't. ☺💓
@SpruceRaven
Well hey, at least now I know your middle name 
That's a start.
Hahahaha
-----
I kindly ask others to avoid reading this post, as it's not something I like sharing. If you really wanna read it, go ahead but don't say anything bad, because I don't really wanna hear it right now. If you do, be prepared for a fight and/or to be reported. You've been warned.
First of all, I cared about them all waaaaaaaaaay more than they had ever cared about me. But I didn't mind that for a long time. And few of them often tried to defend me against the second reason, so they weren't too bad.
Second, the "friend" who made me join was a f***ing a**hole (sorry, I.. I have my reasons) who treated me very bad.
It's quite a long story, but I'll try to make it as short as possible (yea, this is short, trust me)
He often mocked me or insulted me "jokingly" (according to him at least), considered me ugly, short, fat and unlikable, constantly friendzoned me (and he sucked at the friend part too), walked over my already low self-esteem, asked me to hang out with him only when he needed help or wanted to hook me up with a guy he knew or he felt lonely and then he'd ignore me while texting on his phone, expected me to help him get with girls he liked..... despite knowing I had a huge crush on him the whole time. I should say it was rather an obsession close to love but way too self-destructive and also full of hate to consider it love. When I say obsession I just mean that I was pretty much fangirling all the time while hating him, I didn't do anything. I didn't stalk him or crossed any line or anything. My obsession would stop at complimenting, shyly flirting, being overly caring and selfless, always trying to impress him and make him like me.. things like that. So basically a crush where you're desperately trying to be liked to the point it's too obvious, except that I hated him and everything he would do.
He was psychologically abusing and could have done worse than that if I had let him. But even with my feelings I still had boundaries and limits, and we kept fighting because I was always mad at him for being a d**che, I often pointed out the way he treated me and told him to stop it. I really don't know why I "liked" him. I didn't like him at all. There was nothing good in him. And you may think it was for his looks, but he didn't even have great looks really. The ones who were the closest to me in the group always wondered why I was so "blindly" in love despite fully knowing what he was and hating him rationally, but at the time my heart didn't care at all about my brain and obvious stuff. They knew I tried my hardest to change my feelings and often "scolded" him for mistreating me.
I've always been very rational and I can't stand injustices and cruel people. So I really don't know why I liked him. I guess it's because I was extremely lonely when I met him and DESPITE ALL OF THIS he was actually one of the kindest people I had met until then. No joke. That should make you easily guess what kind of horrible people I had to deal with for my whole life, when even such a s***mbag is good compared to them.
Third reason is my health. Not my health itself, though. It's the consequences it brought. It also has a lot to do with the first reason.
The group already barely cared about me, but I was ok with it because, except for my parents, they still cared more than anyone else I knew. We talked a lot about many things, had hobbies in common, we had fun, we'd often do group calls, and sometimes part of the group would plan to go out and we'd hang out.
But when my health got worse, they got more and more distant, started treating me bad, made fun of me more and more often. There were many fights. The few people who still treated me well left the group far sooner than I did, because they didn't like the way others were behaving in general, and talked to me privately instead. Somehow I stayed in the group for few more months because there were still some fun/good moments, and I didn't wanna give up the friends that I had made with so much effort and love.
But when I was hospitalized more than once, none of them came to see me. The second time, few hours after they said they were too busy to come to me, I even caught them planning a day at a comicon (that they had already mentioned before I was hospitalized, and then they pretended they couldn't because of busy schedules) that also happened to be near the hospital and apparently they wanted to go there without me knowing it so that they wouldn't have to see me.
That obviously ruined things a lot. But I still stayed, dunno why.
Then we had one of those planned hang-outs. I was extremely sick but I still went cause I wanted to see them.
The pain was unbearable and I was exhausted, but I was excited about seeing them again because it had been a long time. Then when they all arrived, they said hi and hugged each other.. and ignored me. Everyone but one girl, who was a new member and barely knew me. She was the only one who talked to me a bit. Then everyone else kept leaving me behind because I couldn't walk fast enough to keep up. She stayed with me for few minutes. Then when the others were still walking, I kinda begged her to take the subway with me and reach them to the place that way, she took pity on me and accepted. For the rest of the time she was too busy having fun with everyone else, who were still ignoring me. Eventually, a storm started so I just went home, cold, exhausted and depressed. Then my health obviously got worse for some weeks, I guess I got a bad fever from being outside too long.
And my "friends" made fun of me because of that. So I just thought "That's it. I'm not letting anyone else walk over me anymore. I may be friendless, but I still want my dignity and I deserve respect and love. I did nothing to deserve any of this crap". So I went on the group chat, said something like "Well, guys. You've crossed the line way too many times and I'm not gonna stay here and let you all treat me like s**t. Bye" and I left. I haven't heard from any of them since then.
---
Yes, it's mostly because of my health. Although, as I said, I used to be very shy and I still am extremely shy in person, so that doesn't really help me interact with others IRL.
---
Well.. You have asked me many times about my health.
There's a lot I'd have to say and it's a topic that makes me cry, but I can try to tell you about it without too many details.
I've had serious physical health issues since I was 11 (although I already had some things here and there before then as well). No one took me seriously, probably due to my age, and everyone underestimated the problems. As time passed, they got worse and worse and worse..
I had to stay home from school more and more often, but I could still study on my own, learning everything from the books with no external explanations whatsoever, and go to school for the tests.
I loved studying and I was pretty good at it, so despite everything I still worked hard and was one of the best students of my school, which was also considered the hardest here. I had 14 subjects.. and many of the things we learned are taught at some "prestigious" private colleges, just FYI.
Medicines seemed to make things worse, but at first I thought it was just my impression. Then I realized it wasn't. But my parents didn't believe me, nor did doctors or anyone at all. Until I was so sick I couldn't do anything and had to be hospitalized. Then it was too late. No one knew what to do with me at the hospital, so after weeks of no efforts they sent me back home with a vague answer.
I've seen dozens of doctors, and very few took me seriously. Even fewer tried to help me. I still did each one of their treatments, but I got worse. It only sped up the worsening of my problems and added more things to them.
Eventually, my health got so bad that I had to quit school and almost everything I used to do.
Now I can only eat, sleep for 3-4 hours, sit, use the computer (but without watching anything longer than 10 mins or listening to anything louder than 5% volume), play videogames if I take many many breaks and take my time, barely walk, sometimes cook..
I had to give up my life, my dreams, my plans, my present and future...
I don't remember what it feels like to not be in pain and exhausted all the time.
I've been a prisoner of many sicknesses and symptoms, trapped in my body, unable to ever take a break from my suffering.
I've been sick for literally half of my life. And it's been 5 years since it all got worse. And it can only go worse because that's how the sickness works. And I can't do anything about it. Anything at all.
......Please don't ask anymore about my health. I know you might think it would make me feel better, but it makes me just sad.
Especially when talking about it doesn't solve the issue nor makes it better. It only reminds me that I can't do anything but accept it the same way I always have.
It's too much to handle at once. I prefer taking it one small step at a time and worrying about one day at a time. Looking ahead and behind of me and seeing only dark is way too overwhelming.
🔶 @lonelyandsickFede.... and Further:
It's understandable that you would feel angry or hurt. And I regret that.
Part of my healing process is that I need some place to just release or let out these feelings ...that probably don't relate to
a) my core self or True Self
Nor even to
b) my current self.
Rather,
C) it seems more and more to be almost like "recordings" of feelings, experiences, basic needs etc that got trapped inside, or weren't allowed, or weren't met...or never just got to play out completed (got truncated for whatever reason).
As I continue to "thaw" if you will, I need to find a safe reasonable way and place and time to allow item C to happen.
So I feel like I've learned here (on this site) that :
while interactions I have in chat may wake certain things up that need further development or expression....and possibly may even need to be shared with others too;
.that sharing that that immediately in forum/chat,
Or even in coming here in the middle of when I am triggered and think/know I need solace, support is NOT a good idea. Meaning....i should wait before I come here. Let the rawness play out. Do that release of the "recordings" ...somewhere else first.
THEN come here.
I think that will work much better. Like it did yesterday morning. 🙄👊🎊🎉
(Thanks for listening).
@SpruceRaven Mmh.. Yea, I know exactly what you mean. That's why I haven't made a diary here. Besides, people are quick at judging, and jump to conclusions before knowing the whole story, especially when they haven't been through the same problems.
Honestly.. I think the best way you could get support is writing things as you're feeling them on a real diary that only you can read.
After you calm down / cheer up / whatever and reopen the diary, do your hardest to read it from a distance, "cold" point of view, trying not to awake the same feelings again, then elaborate those thoughts without the bad emotions... and finally share it with others to get help. Most people can't handle "raw feelings", it makes them uncomfortable and awkward because they don't know how to react and what to say. Besides, we're all kinda "broken" here and everyone gets upset or triggered by different things. And lastly....add a lot of delay, bugged forums and no notifications.. and you got a real mess.
This "diary" method might work for some people, but it doesn't mean it has to work for you as well.
Seriously, do what you think is best for you!
..oh. Oops. I meant *distant, cold
But I'm sure you got it :)
@lonelyandsickFede... btw...
I don't think it's "showing off" for you to talk to me about your accomplishments, talents, skills and strengths. It's a really GOOD thing. Tell me MORE.
@SpruceRaven Thank you, Raven. You're so sweet..
And same here!!! I'd really love to hear about your skills :)
We had the extra treat of the Northern Lights dancing across the Sky this evening. So my friend got ti sit outside on the deck and watch that fo rawhile.
I'm super tired and kind of just wrung out. SO many changes all at once.
@SpruceRaven Yea.. Anyone would be exhausted from so many changes, especially this kind of changes.
It only adds to your other emotional wounds. I wish I could do something to heal your wounds or at least make it less painful for you
@lonelyandsickFede Thank you! That's so lovely of you.
@lonelyandsickFede Well you ARE doing something you know. 🙄💞
@SpruceRaven
Oh. Am I? 
@lonelyandsickFede Yes! 😁💖😘 You are an amazing friend...and this is only getting more true and more fabuous by the minute!
@SpruceRaven Awww
@SpruceRaven So are you, Raven 💗💟💗💟
@lonleyandsickFede
Sorry I missed you this evening. Hope you are havinf fun wherever tou are. It is so lovely to see you making friends here.
Thank you for beimg my friend too. It would have been so much tougher without you.
Good night to you wherever you are in the World.and sweet dreams.
Sigh .
@lonelyandsickFede
....please see the above.
Gnight and be well.
@SpruceRaven
Oh no! I'm sorry.. For some reason the tags almost never work (even when you type them well ).
I didn't see any notifications for many hours, so I assumed you were with your friend and I didn't wanna bother you.
Just now, before going to bed, I checked the thread to see if you were back yet, and saw a bunch of posts that weren't on the notifications. They really should fix this bug, it's getting problematic 😨
I'm so sorry.. I hope you didn't think I wasn't answering for other reasons.
I just answered all of your posts. I truly didn't do it on purpose :( 7cups notifications are so broken!
Anyways, I hope you can sleep well and have nice dreams. Good night, Raven! See you tomorrow
@lonelyandsickFede
Oh I AGREE avout the notifications. I've heard ao many people at different places in the Site say the same thing.
When I wrote to Tech Support about it, they said that usually there is often only ONE tagging per Thread or Forum even if there are multiple responses to me; this includes if these are responses from different people
Then, add that when one is directed to that Thread...it tends to take you to the very beginning of the Thread (except with games) and NOT to the place where one has been responded to
. --> So THEN begins the Treasure Hunt....to find where and why you were Tagged....and it's easy to miss or not find one.
Add in the time delay that you also mentioned, and sonetimes you never realize that someone is talking to you, trying to reach you. Or you could MISS key things....and by the time their other pieces come in....there could be confusion..at a minimum.
--------
....Oh! I'm so glad that you brought this up about the notifications vecause it's making me realize....⤵
I think THAT is some of what happened when people were trying reach me and support me when I was falling apart a few days ago.
MOST of their posts I didnt receive until AFTER their posts telling me they felt ignored & hurt because they had been sending and saying all sorts of lovely things and I hadnt responded.
And then things went further downhill from there, as I imagine other people got triggered or had other emotions and things come up for them.
PLUS ...I myself was not firing on all cylinders as they say. So that didn't help either
------
I'm thinking I'd like to try to share this insight with some of the people that were there. Do you mind if I do?
@SpruceRaven Yea, I think that's what happened too. I guess it would explain a lot!
And sure, go ahead :) I don't mind
@lonelyandsickFede Thanks.
And thanks for being there. I like talkimg to you. AND...we have been talkimg so much about me and my stuff. Tell me a little about you if you're comfortable with that.
I get the sense that you may be fluent in another language besides English. Am I right? 👀🙄😀 ...I love languages.
Back to whst you said about rain....I actually like both being out IN it and beimg inside watching it or listening to it. The sound it makes fslling on a tin or tiled roof; or the sound of it tip tap plopping onto the dirt. The SMELL of it.
There i go again.
Tell me about YOU or whst you're dealing with. . I'd like to know you better Can I help you? Make you smile?
@SpruceRaven I... honestly don't know how you could help me. But thank you I'm happy that you wanna help me.
And I'm ok with telling you about myself, but there's a lot to say and I don't know where to start. Perhaps you could ask me what you're curious about :)
@lonelyandsickFede
Well I want to be there for you. So for example you said you hadnt heard from tour Listrner. Want to talk to me or do tou nees the pricaxy that xomes with chattimg to a Listener?
@SpruceRaven Oh. No, well, it's mostly cause it's a long story
@lonelyandsickFede I don't mind listening ....but I dont want tou to do anything you dont want to do. I would love to learn more about you and to hear your story.😀☺
My Nest is open to you...and it should be here through Saturday...poss through Monday. Then it self-destructs as I fly away. 🙂
@SpruceRaven Thanks, Raven That's really nice of you. And I like your nest, it feels like a comfy warm pillow.
Oh... So it's gonna be this weekend. I see. That's a real shame. I'll miss you..
@lonelyandsickFede
Thank you re missing me AND about liking my nest.
🔶There's a possibility I may come back but under a different name. So maybe we could reconnect?
--------What follows may have been better-Posted as a separate "general post" but the format is not letting me cut & paste so I'll have to leave it here⤵⤵⤵⤵⤵
🔶...I've been thinking about this alot: whether I really need to:
a) Leave; b) delete all my threads before I go incl this diary; c) come back be it as SP or under a different name.
My Recovering Self has a really hard time with (at least just now in this rapid thawing stage)
--- rejection(e.g feeling I'm not allowed to show up as myself but must cut myself to fit); -
-- with being told how I feel or think (rather than asking me; rather than taking me at my word);
--with being told I did something I didn't do;
At least right now RS (RecoveringSelf) does anyway. 😒🙄💓
So it feels a bit as if the SpruceRaven profile is tainted somehow, or can't be here because it has been judged and found wanted, &/or because people have turned away. Like I can't stay.
It's funny to own that, because over all my Core Self/True Self knows that:
• Our lives are shaped by those who love us and those who refuse to love us.
E.g. that it's just life that some people stay and some people go; just life thst prople have their own feelings, reactions and interpretations of things ... and that we can't always change their minds or get them to give us another chance if:
they've decided to close the door or we turn out not to be their "cup of tea".
So it's wierd to see myself so leery. But understandable too; I'm just filling in the gaps-- replacing unhealthy traumatic patterns and experiences with healthy ones. And it's okay to have boundaries...even some people we wish would stay end up walking away.
Thst last bit feels REALLY CHALLENGING when one doesn't have a whole lot of people in their life to begin with. (I know you get that, Fede...from what you shared on your profile)
------
So, I suppose I'm still asking myself:
•Do I stay or do I go?
•Do I stay knowing that that some of my contributions may be ignored or always read through a certain filter...
....because I fell apart or made a poor choice about how when and where I expressed myself;
.....or because I didn't let myself realize how very triggered I was and let myself go away ; (instead of feeling I had to stay and face all directions at once...when I really wasn't up to the task )?
•Or do I go ...and find a different way?
• Or so I..come back later, and differently?
---Another saying to keep in mind:
"You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you cant please all of the people all of the time. John Lydgate
☺☺
Please note that I am not saying EVERYBODY...or even that it's anybody's reaponaivility.
.just that recovering self or baby Spruce Raven....needs ....a nap!🤣😀💓
@SpruceRaven
I understand, Raven.
I would tell you what I think you should do, but it's really your choice and it affects you a lot. I don't want you to suffer in any way.
So please do what you need to do.
If you want to leave, I'll understand and let you go. If you want to stay, I'll happily stay by your side. If you want to stay but start over, I hope you'll include me and let me join your new nest, but I'll understand if you don't.
Just remember the corny rhyme, Raven
Are you happy being here? Would you be happier if you stopped coming here?
@lonelyandsickFede So lovely and thoughtful Fede... as usual.😍💖💝 🙄
I'm happy to see you again!
-----
Re. Am I happy here or happier not here. It's a mix. There are people I seem to have offended, permanently. That's tough.
I guess I feel that if I stay as Spruce Raven I may not be seen for my best self . Or taken seriously. I know YOU do! And that means the world.
As for coming back but differently....there is alot of appeal....kind of like "New name" new phase of development.
I imagine at some point I'd be "recognized".
And I don't know if some people would even want to reconnect. I'm glad you would. 💖💖💝
How's your day?
@lonelyandsickFede
Hey. You know that gorgeous gif daisy tower and the multiple Spruce & Raven emoji/images that Daisy Lion sent me?
How do I keep those so I can re-use them?
I copied them and they went into my gallery, but wouldn't paste out the same.
@lonelyandsickFede Staet anyhjere!
@SpruceRaven Oh.. Well, since you asked.. My native language is Italian and I speak English fluently. I also speak German and Spanish but not fluently, I can translate ancient Latin, and I understand Japanese (short sentences at least).
@lonelyandsickFede Okay so...first of all....you wrote the above 7 hours before I received it...AND I was online and even here on this page when you wrote it😨😞 I REALLY need to tell Tech support.
Re Languages...Wow! You're even more of a linguist than I am. SOoo fun and interesting! I speak German too, and "survival French" as well as the languages I've mentioned.
Ancient Latin must be really interesting . I've always wantes to learn Japanese...and Chinese too. Have you been to Japan?
@SpruceRaven Yea.. The bugs are really bugging me too (bad pun, I know ).
Cool No, sadly I haven't been to Japan but I wish I could, I'd love to see it. What about you?
@lonelyandsickFede
It's such a bad pun that it's GOOD. Ya know? 😄😀🙄😉
@SpruceRaven
Hahaha, yea.
Bad puns are bad.
...
And good puns are just as bad
@lonelyandsickFede I've only been to Osaka in Japan. Would really love to go and spend a # of months at least. Go to each of the Prefectures....in particular I'd like to go to Akita (in the north).
I have been to Beijing and Shanlongdan provinces in China. (Some of that was as part of my Oriental Medicine training).
There are sooo many places I would like to see. I've travelled a fair bit incl living in a # of different countries...but there's always more to see. I'll never be "done" Lol. ❤
As you know, I currently live in Alaska. If you don't mind my asking, where are you in the world?
@SpruceRaven
Aaah, that sounds so wonderful! I'd love to see them.
So you've travelled a lot, huh :D That's pretty cool!
I used to travel a lot on vacations. I've seen most major (and not just those) cities in Europe and most regions in Italy. I really miss that...
Where have you been, if you can remember all the places? Or at least, where have you lived?
Oh, Alaska! That's so cool.
...Yes. Pun intended
Is Alaska as cold as I think it is? Whenever anyone mentions it, I imagine endless snow and husky dogs.
I live in a small town in north Italy.
@lonelyandsickFede ..to answer the rest of what you said, ....I was alittle sad/disappointed not to get to talk with you. And decided you must be busy or maybe just not checking the Thread as often because you knew I was with my friend.
So I had faith in our connection😃💞.
......this is helping me see another piece related to my falling apart.....even if had been less triggered....maybe I could have held on long enough to believe those other people were there for me even though I was falling apart.
• I don't have alot of experience with people sticking around ir being supportive when things are rough.
@SpruceRaven
I know exactly what you mean. But I'm happy you had faith in us :)
Oh, speaking of faith.. A fun fact. Did you know that my nickname Fede means faith in Italian? (I'm Italian, in case you were wondering)
But only "fede" does. It's just a coincidence. My full name, Federica, is actually just the Italian modern version of Frederika. It means "powerful in peace" in ancient German. Sounds very heroic, doesn't it?
@lonelyandsickFede I was RIGHT! I THOUGHT you might be Italian!
Oh wow really? I love knowimg thr meaning of names. Faith. That's powerful.
Okay i have to go back amd read the rest...i got excited and wanted to respond.
There'll be some crossovwr in .y recent posts....so fun tjat we were thinking along thr same lines...( or sort of ).😀
@SpruceRaven
Oh, you did?! How so? Does my face look like a pizza to you? Hahaha, I know, I know.. I'll stop with the self-irony / mocking the stereotypes.
I'm happy you like both my nickname and my name
I'm very curious to know yours, but I won't ask.
I never ask anyone's real first name here, because apparently it's very private. I don't mind sharing mine because it's not my last name, but even if I said my last name there are still many.. namesakes, if you can call them that.
I love name meanings too! If I can name a game character (especially if it's not "me"), I always look for a name with the proper meaning that is somehow related to the character
@lonelyandsickFede HI Hi Hi. I see you are leaving me lots of lovely posts to read. I have to go out into the Outer World just now. I'm looking forward to diving into the treasure trove when I get back!😍 So don't feel ignored! I promise I'll respond to every single one!
Hmmm. Feeling like I've been writing far too much here. Maybe it's almost time to go.