A Raven's Eye
This is simply to open my "page" or diary. I may not write here for a bit.
~SpruceRaven
Time for bed time for sleep!
(My dog has been trying to tell me this for TWO HOURS!).
21 March '18-- Body memories..releasing?
Woke up this morning: heart pounding. My throat felt as if I had been screaming. My whole body felt like it used to right after I had survived one of my brother's brutal attacks: Aching and hollow, with a bit of vibration at the edges; wrung out; not "mine". That exhaustion after the adrenaline surge fades. My brain/mind kind of foggy and disoriented ...like it would get after some severe rageful gaslighting from him.
It feels so real. Like, this is what happened last night. Real enough that I'm asking myself, "what was I screaming?" And another part of my mind answers, "Tastes like fear...and...self- defense. Smells like... despair".
In actuality, in real-time yesterday evening:
I ...went to a book club meeting and shared a lovely dinner and conversation with 3 other people. The book had nothing to do with trauma, violence, nor mental health/psychology; it wasn't even a murder mystery.
I got home at midnight (we are talkers, all)🙄 and took my dog for a quick walk. Then stayed up until 2 a.m. ...writing and reading a bit. .....
Went to sleep feeling fine. That's it.
Both "recollections" seem equally real: everything in me and of me says, "This happened..last night." Except .....
.....just a wisp of "hang on a minute here.."
So, I'm thinking that however disconcerting this may be..( well ....IS), that this is actually me healing. Safe enough, for my body to release this. (Not that this the first time it's happened, not by a long shot. But maybe the first time I'm willing to let it be a GOOD thing. Instead of a failure or lack of progress of some kind)
@SpruceRaven I agree 
I think it's all part of the progress. Good job, Raven!
@lonelyandsickFede
Thank you 😍💝💓
🌲🦅 (no Raven emoji so Eagle has stepped in ;-)
@SpruceRaven checking back in after my weekend away and nice to see you here still. Im so sorry to hear of your friends health and its touching that youre able to be spending some of her last time with her- creating memories and surrounding her with support and love but nonetheless still difficult I imagine.
Im aware that night terrors and nightmares are our brain / subconsciouss way of processing things but it sure isnt easy when it makes it feel like youre reliving things over and over again! That must have been an awful and scary feeling to wake up to 😟 it is encouraging that you are able to see that it is your minds way of attempting to heal .... this frame of thought allows me to hold on to hope when experiences feel unbearable, and it sounds like you have this as well 😉 . You are extremely strong Raven! Keep fighting that battle ❤️❤️❤️
@purpleWest8143 Hey West what a lovely surprise to see you here. Hope you had a lovely time with your friend. Thsnks for dropping in.
And thank you too for your kind and encouraging words. That means alot. I see you as a very together strong person both helping others and healing herself, and turning her challenges into strengths that then help others get stronger and makes the world a better place. (Whew! Can you say "run-on sentence?! "🙄😄) Very inspiring. And you are such a strong voice and support everywhere you go at 7Cups. Inspiring.
@purpleWest8143 And thsnk you so very much for your thought and wishes regarding my friend. She's still here. Knowing her she'll leave right when she says she will.
Guess I vetter figure out when moonrise is on Thursday so I can be there! 🌙🕘🌒
@SpruceRaven thank you Raven ❤️ That really touched my heart in all the right places. Im trying my darndest to learn from my struggles and finally feel like some things are beginning to fit together. I hope as I move along this journey I will be able to share in ways that will be supportive but this is also a learning process. So I also hope people will kindly point out when Im not being helpful and tell me what would be 😉
It sounds as though your friend is very much at terms with her end of life? Is she terminally ill?
@purpleWest8143 I see you already doing that. And I imagine people will share what they think with you one way or another. Ideally kindly. 🙄🤞💕
Yes she's one of the most Present and engaged people I know. Yes terminally ill. She's been throughvalot incl trauma wise. She doesnt really talk about it much. I'm honored to be one of the few people she does share with about those experiences. And thr alchemy that she has created out of those base elements.💝💞💓
Good nifjt worls🌒🌎💤💤💤💤
Just testing something out...that may help...me at least...with the challenges of "Treasure Hunting" for posts or at least making my responses easier to find.
So I'll be gone till what is my Thursday. It is currently 22 March 2018 @ 11:21a ET, in the U.S. (7:21a where I am).
May not have successfully found all the "treasures" that have popped up since I was last here but I eill do my best to find them when I return.
Be well one and all.
@SpruceRaven if you do not mind, i would like to chime in for a minute. Take this for what its worth. I am still the same person who talked to you from the very beginning. I think you should consider staying on here, in your diary, with your friends. I think this place has really taken off for you. And if it offers healing, then thats great. I have been reading some of your posts and i am so sorry to hear of your friend. What you do, truely is honorable and admirable. I just wanted to let you know that i think you have a great start established here, as SpruceRaven. With that being said, you can take it or leave it. Best wishes.
@PerfectStorm426
🎉🎊Well Hi there, Storm! 🎊🎉 What a nice surprise!🎁🎁🎁🎁 (I honestly thought I'd never hear from you again). 🙄
Thank you for sharing your encouraging thoughts. And it's nice to know you find some value in what I'm sharing here.
I'm grateful for the support you've given me in the past and hope you feel you received some as well. Regardless I hope you are finding snd receiving support, healing and the resources you need in moving forward. (We alreafy know how Strong you are! And that you are mot one to give up on things just because it's difficult). You deserve to be whole, healthy, happy and at peace.
Regardless of how things turn out for me, I wish you the very best!❤
Thank you for dropping by my "Nest." (It is, of course, situated in a tall Spruce tree. It's amazing what you can see from here!) 🌲🌲🌲
@PerfectStorm426 Thanks too, re my friend who is dying. So kind of you! 💓💝
@PerfectStorm426
Come back if you like before this space closes. Share something of yours if you like. You were always welcome here.
@SpruceRaven Thank you, Raven. I havent been very vocal on here much. But i shall be around. Kinda goin thru some rocky roads as of late.
@PerfectStorm426 I'm sorry to hear that re: rocky roads
. You are welcome to share about that here or use this as your thinking space. I'm a good liatener (overall). And evenif you jist want to tell people...to only observe ... feel free.
Ioffer this b.cause i don't rhink tou have tour oen diaru yet. That said if you are more comfy elsewhere i totally get that.
Prob closing on Sunday ...poss Sat. So...have at it.
@PerfectStorm426
May be open longer.
Looks like you have some folks to talk to. Hope it all turns out okay for you.
Re: the "test". In Using the post to the thread button ...that post goes to the bottom of the page, as the most recent post, and is thus easily found.
SO from now on that is where I will put my replies ( with a reference to topic, to avoid confusion). Naturally it will be addressed to tag whomever I'm responding too. 😀🤗
@SpruceRaven
Great idea! 
...I just wish I had seen this before answering all the new posts in the usual way. Hahahaha.. ha D: I hope you still find my posts. Especially the long one.
@lonelyandsickFede U.mm.. which long one?🤔🤔 (We have both written some beautiful looong posts). Lol🙄😄
@SpruceRaven
...........oh. Well. I guess I typed all of that for nothing. After you insisted so much to know..
Don't worry about it.
Inspiring interaction, so happy to see people helping people with such success.
@ruffneckred Thanks Red!
FYI, Spruce Raven, I get notifications when there is a new post to your thread and it takes me to your most recent entry. That entry seems to be in the middle of the page, maybe that is the way it is supposed to work. Not judging, just letting you know that it is a tad bit confusing... Have a great day.
@ruffneckred Hope you have a great day too!
It has always veen confusing like that. I hear it everywhere I have been. People call it the treasure hunt...😞🤔
Most people I'vetalked to only get one notification per thread per day: so 3 people could comment on my diary say. And I would only get ONE tag.
I dont know if it took you to the middle of the page exactly where I had most recently posted...if so....i only WISH that was how it happened for me.🙂🙄 -->when I get tagged it always takes me to the top of the most recwnt thread page....thrn i have to hunt to find the most recent post.
So I COMPLETELY agree! Confusing!
@SpruceRaven
I think it takes me to the most recent enty, but I suspect some times it get stalled a the top of the page (not on yours specifically) if I am impatient with the page loading or internet connection has an issue.
Patience is a virtue, posess it if you can, seldom in a woman, never in a man. My mother used to say this quite often, not sure I agree with the sex based stereotypes but the jist is accurate.
@lonelyandsickFede
Re: reconnecting if I come back. I will find a way to let you know.
Re travel and where I've lived:
Well the list of where I've travelled coud get rather long if i gave you the blow by blow. A synopsis would be:
•almost every State in the U.S.
• 2 territories of, and every province of Canada except New Brunswick snd Nova Scotia.
• parts of Mexico incl the Yucatan Peninsula, Baja, Nogales, Mexico City, San Luis Potosí, Oaxaca, Mazatlan, Pueeto Vallarta and some other places both inland and down coast fe PV.
Belize, Guatalama, Panama.
• All of Western Europe (some more rhan others) incl Ireland and England and Greece + Cyprus
• East Berlin before the Wall came down (when it waa still part of the DDR.)
•Morocco, Gibraltar Istanbúl.
•some of Central Europe.
• parts of China & Japan, Thailand
•Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, Indonesia.
•Brazil, Venezuela, Paraguay, Uruguay, Chile? Peru.
--------
I have lived in:
Alaska, Hawaii, Washington, California, New Mexico, Colorado. Tennessee, South Carolina. Washington D.C. & Massachusetts.
Germany: Bremen & Berlin
Austria: Salzberg
Portugal: Lisboa, Sintra.
Ireland: Galway.
Great Britain: London, Edinburgh.
Czech Republic: Prague
Denmark: Copenhagen.
Australia.
Beijing.
@SpruceRaven
FYI, I am jealous of your worldly travels, I have lived in the great state of North Dakota for my 51 years..
@SpruceRaven Woah.. O: Damn, you travel a lot!
@lonelyandsickFede 💖💖💖💖🙃🤣😄😀